General Question

Ansible1's avatar

Scandalous info obtained by spying your boy/girlfriends cell phone nullified by the fact you shouldn't have been in there in the first place?

Asked by Ansible1 (4824points) June 21st, 2009

Having both spied and been spied on I’ve been on both sides of the fence on this one…What do you think?

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25 Answers

DarkScribe's avatar

How many people who are cheating would be dumb enough not to erase trace after all the publicity about this type of thing? There is a very real risk that things found surreptitiously are going to be misinterpreted. They would not be left there if indicative of guilt. Something that always make me curious is – how do they get access to the phone? Mine is never out of my pocket and it is on the charger on my night table when i go to bed. Most who I know are similar in habit.

cak's avatar

To a point, yes. The question could be asked why you were snooping in the first place? It’s not your property, you had no business looking.

If you guys trust each other so little, why are you together?

essieness's avatar

Yeah, it sucks, but yeah. Just use it as secret ammo.

DrBill's avatar

Cheating is cheating, reasons do not justify the act.

Aethelwine's avatar

Both sides are wrong.

Learn to be honest. That’s all I have to say.

charliecompany34's avatar

i was having trouble dialing my dad for father’s day while driving. and so, my wife said she’d call for me. after the call, she took the liberty of curiously looking at “other stuff.” i realized she was reading old text messages.

in both my professions, i have several male and female contacts. i told her to stop looking thru my texts because she may see something strange or weird and you will not understand. that was only to say that “texts are visual sound bytes” that have no beginning or ending for anyone else but for whom the cell phone belongs. to the outside reader, he or she will never understand. they will draw conclusions and you could be in the dog house as a result of your frivolous calls and texts that really meant nothing at all. explaining them is the hard part.

i really believe your cell phone belongs to you. technology has afforded us personal communication and multiple phone numbers under one roof. now we will always have to explain calls we made or received.

gone are the days of busy signals and not knowing who called. it is techno-hell these days.

kerryyylynn's avatar

Really, good relationships should have a strong sense of trust, as well as a clear feeling of attraction. In which case, neither cheating nor snooping should be happening in the first place.
But in the long run, cheating is cheating. How the other party finds out doesnt have any effect on what happened.

casheroo's avatar

If you found out he’s cheating, by going through his phone, then leave. He’s cheating on you, and you don’t trust him to begin with.

DarkScribe's avatar

My wife will borrow my phone quite often, as I usually have far more credit left at the end of the month than she has. We have unlimited time between each other but not to other numbers – she runs out. She has never read my texts to check up, but she will to see what our kids are up to – they will often only text one of us.

I don’t think that in any good relationship there should be an necessity for hiding things, but if suspicion is aroused, being able to alleviate it can only be a good thing. But, as mentioned before, phone checking is in way pointless, as it really can’t exonerate, it can only confirm. Anyone with sense will not leave incriminating messages on their phone.

Far more telling would be a close examination of the phone bill. You can’t delete the records of constant calls and texts to one number.

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

Spying never works out well. It starts with feelings of distrust. Then when the spy finds something, the often jump to conclusions because they are already acting from a position of emotion rather than logic.

Once the spying starts, it’s all over regardless of what the person may or may not have done. That’s a hard line to come back from once you’ve stepped over it.

filmfann's avatar

The question here did not give us information saying this was a cheating issue. It could be murder, extortion, kidnapping, theft, or using the f bomb in church. We don’t have the information they got, and many here are reading into it.
That is the problem with this kind of thing. We fill in the gaps of knowledge, and end up with something other than the truth.
Let’s say there was a text that said: Let’s get in bed together. That is a common expression for dealmakers, who may have no physical attraction for the other.
You’ve heard the expression A little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing? Believe it.

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

@filmfann The topics read: “Relationships, Cheating,”

hug_of_war's avatar

While it’s bad to spy, your relationship is already in a shitty place if it gets to that point, so I don’t think it cancels out cheating. Two wrongs don’t cancel each other out, they build upon each other.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

Both are wrong. I was in a relationship where I found pictures that upset me terribly, to say the least. The funny thing is, he knew I was going through his pictures – not to snoop, just because I was bored – and he was right there. Well… He forgot certain pictures were in there.

Anyway, if you suspect cheating or feel the need to snoop in the first place, it’s not a good relationship and never will be. Run for the hills before you become even more invested in something that will never work out.

Aethelwine's avatar

@DrasticDreamer if you suspect cheating or feel the need to snoop in the first place, it’s not a good relationship and never will be.

I disagree. People do desperate things at desperate moments. It doesn’t make them lifetime adulterers. If the significant other is willing to forgive (which takes a very strong person) it is possible to have a loving relationship afterwards. As long as it is not habitual behavior and instead is a one time situation, there is no need to leave.

kheredia's avatar

I accidentally came across some emails he sent to his ex one time. He went to work and left everything logged in! When I saw the email address I was curious to know what he was talking to her about since they had been broken up for so long and had not been in contact for a while. The truth is, I felt guilty for doing it, but I was also hurt that he was trying to contact her again. It made me feel that he wasn’t happy with me. We actually had a little fight over it but at the end i realized I shouldn’t have been reading his private stuff. Plus, the emails he sent were really nothing to worry about.

filmfann's avatar

So, this wasn’t about cheating. This was more concern he might be cheating. He may have been asking to get his records back, or his grandmothers ring…
Yes, I know I am reaching to make a point. I am just trying to repeat that sometimes our imaginations run away with us when we don’t have enough information.

DarkScribe's avatar

@filmfann our imaginations run away with us when we don’t have enough information.

Am I allowed to agree with you on this thread? This is pretty much what I said in my first post. It is a real risk.

filmfann's avatar

@DarkScribe Of course! Just don’t tell anyone we agreed on something.

Facade's avatar

No, it’s not nullified. But both parties are in the wrong.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

@jonsblond You’re right. I’ll change what I said and instead say that in most situations, it doesn’t end up working out. It can, but it’s rare.

Ansible1's avatar

ok well no my girlfriend did not cheat on me. I tagged cheating to the topic b/c its a related issue..long story short, I sat in my girlfriends car with her for an hour and a half late one night while she kept dozing off to sleep and I had only two pieces of information about her night out….1. she was crying and 2. it was something about the past. I couldn’t help but think it had to do with her ex so I went through her phone and found a text she sent to her ex something to the effect of- “I still care about you and you’ll always have a place in my heart” Bringing this up will no doubt cause a huge fight, but I’m at fault for having gone through her phone in the first place right?

filmfann's avatar

Okay, I have been married for 25 years, and my wife understands I still have love in my heart for some of my ex-girlfriends. It doesn’t mean I will run away with them, or have sex with them. It means I have an emotional attachment. My wife gets this, and is not jealous. Don’t freak out.
Going through her text messages is understandable, because of your concern for her, but don’t use this information to hurt her, or confront her.

elijah's avatar

It’s normal to still care about your ex, but she went out of her way to make sure he knows how she feels. When you’re moving forward you shouldn’t cling to the past.
Do you feel like she honestly likes you more than him or is she in the “if you’re not with the one you love, love the one you’re with” type of situation? It’s not ok to snoop, but it is normal to be curious and scared and take a peek when you know you shouldn’t. I would say if she’s contacting him she’s not ready to move forward.

Ansible1's avatar

Thanks for the input, i’ve convinced myself it was just a drunk text. I know she’s over him but understand there will be some emotional attachment, i mean there have been times when i think about my ex’s, but not to the point of texting them…

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