General Question

La_chica_gomela's avatar

How am I supposed to feel about my dad's girlfriend? Is it my fault if I immediately dislike her?

Asked by La_chica_gomela (12532points) June 27th, 2009

So, my parents have been divorced since before I can remember, and my dad hasn’t dated anyone since I was maybe 6 (or if he did, he didn’t mention it), and now I’m an adult. He told me recently that he’s dating a woman almost 20 years his junior (meaning I can count on one hand how many years older she is than my own SO) and her name is “Dixie”... He told me on Father’s Day, and then she facebook friended me on Tuesday (even though WE HAVE NEVER MET!) Before my dad told me about her, he had mentioned several times that he was going to a specific concert, and I had even asked him if he was going with anyone, and he said no. And then suddenly, weeks after the event, he tells me actually it was with her, and they’re dating. It was a “date-date”, not their first “date-date”.

I feel like I’ve been deceived, and that there are probably a lot of other things in his life he’s not telling me.

I didn’t accept or reject her friend request. It’s still just sitting there…I don’t know what to do about that…I’m just leaving her in friend purgatory for now…

I don’t know, I don’t like the whole situation, and I don’t like her. [Edited to add]: To expand on that, the few things I do know about her, I don’t like, and I don’t know anything about her that I like…and that makes me so uncomfortable. I just walk around feeling like I have something I need to get off of my chest.

I just wish he had been straightforward with me in the first place…

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61 Answers

cyn's avatar

he’s probably worried you would reject her. Understand tha he’s a grown man and that he has teh freedom to date anyone he wants. Also, since you’re the daughter, I find it wrong for him to lie to you. It’s not your fault to dislike her or to like her….You don’t even really truely know her…do you?

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

Whether or not you decide to give your father’s new girlfriend a chance is completely up to you.

cyn's avatar

stupid typos! I should read the Live Preview more often…

MacBean's avatar

I think @cyndihugs is probably right about your father worrying that you would reject his girlfriend without giving her a chance. Immediately disliking her without knowing her seems like a pretty natural response to me, but you can still choose to give her a chance. If I were you, I’d try to push that gut reaction to the side, accept the friend request, and try to get to know her a little.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

I think you guys are right that he probably is worried that I would hold her to a pretty high standard. I wish he would give me more credit though. I loved his last girlfriend to pieces. I can’t remember her name, but I was about 6, and she had blond hair and was really nice. She was the best. lol. I feel like I’m being set up to dislike her. You know?

SuperMouse's avatar

Although it might have been easier on you if your dad had been open from the beginning, for some reason he wasn’t ready. He didn’t handle it perfectly then, but it sounds like he wants you to get to know her. If you want to get to know this woman you need to start where you are now and let go of what happened before your father came clean.

As the daughter of a single father I can tell you that I was never all that fond of any of the women my father dated. He had been single for 20 years before he finally remarried and although I am glad he has found someone to grow old with, I am not even that fond of his wife now. I think it is natural for a daughter to be suspicious of her father’s new girl, and the fact that this girl is more of a peer to you than a potential step mom, probably makes this all the more difficult.

Judi's avatar

It doesn’t sound like you’ve given the girl a chance at all. It sounds like you even see her NAME as a reason to disdain her.
It seems that there are more unresolved issues with you and your dad that have nothing to do with Poor Dixie.

wundayatta's avatar

Hmmmm. Makes me wonder what your relationship to your father has been like outside of this. Clearly the idea of a girlfriend for your father seems like it could easily be hurtful. It brings up the feelings about your parents separating, I would think. I suppose, on some, deep subconscious level, your brain could be interpreting her as the person who broke up your parents, as illogical as that might be.

Have you been living with your father much since the divorce? Are you as close to him as you would like to be? Have you ever discussed things openly about your feelings about the divorce and such?

If he’s at all human, he probably feels some shame about what he did to you when your parents divorced. He’ll feel he’s failed in some way, even if he thinks he had to do it. He might be afraid to tell you about this woman, especially if she’s around your age, because he knows it’ll be likely to make you feel weird, and probably hurt.

The only thing I know that can work with feelings is communication. Maybe you can find a way to discuss your feelings with him in a non-defensive way. I’m sure it won’t be terribly easy. And even though it’s not your job to do this work; you may have to be the adult—the responsible one—if you are going to be able to have a more open relationships with your father, where you can feel comfortable with him.

You feel what you feel. There’s no supposed to about it. This is one of those (many) tricky relationship issues in life for which there is no fucking manual to read.

Jeruba's avatar

A lot of parents are actually in your position with respect to their children’s choices. It’s not easy either way. Ultimately you have to remember to separate your relationship with him from his relationship with her. Don’t be her rival. She’ll never be his daughter (regardless of her age).

When my son is seeing someone I don’t like, my best course (unless she does something horrible or behaves egregiously in our home) is to be as friendly, kind, and hospitable as I can be, invite her to dinner, make pleasant conversation, pay her compliments, etc..—and wait.

hannah15's avatar

I think you should meet her and when you get to know each other maybe you will like her.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

@Judi, yeah, you’re right, you’re right. I really don’t like the name. It sounds country and trashy to me. I mean, like, if I meant a random girl with that name I wouldn’t have any problem being friends with her, if we got along, but for some reason, it just really rubs me the wrong way in this situation

@daloon: I feel like you’re reading way too much into this, or maybe you just didn’t read all the details. My parents have been divorced almost my entire life. They’ve both dated plenty. I promise I’m not confusing Dixie for someone who’s breaking my parents up. She would have had to have started when she was a baby. Plus, the idea of them being together is just weird.

And I know it wasn’t his fault or anyone’s fault that they’re divorced. It’s no big deal. It’s just how things are. It’s how they’ve always been.

@hannah15: Yeah, we’ll see about all that. I’m not going to even see him for at least a couple months, so, like Jeruba said, we’ll just wait, and see.

nikipedia's avatar

I think you have every right to be pissed at your dad for the way he’s handled this, but really this woman hasn’t done anything wrong yet. Maybe it would help to put yourself in her shoes (not the dating-your-dad shoes…ick)—how would you want the kid of your boyfriend to react to you?

I assume they’re both adults (although with a name like “Dixie” and the overzealous facebook add, the jury’s still out on her…) so they should be able to have frank conversations about this….right?

SirBailey's avatar

I think you have two different issues here. Your father’s handling of the situation is one issue. Talk to him about that and let him know how you feel about what HE did. Tell him you don’t want him to do that again. But you don’t let what HE did affect how you feel about her.

You also don’t have to like his girlfriend but, unless she actually does something to hurt your father, she may be a good person. Remember, she makes him happy. That’s one good thing about her, right? That’s important and you have to consider that.

Finally, how you deal with her should be based on how she deals with you. NOT the fact that she’s younger then your father, or anything else.

It sounds like you don’t want to give this woman a chance at being your friend. You should give her a chance. Do it for your dad.

juwhite1's avatar

I’m not sure how you can immediately dislike someone you haven’t even met yet. I agree with @SirBailey that you need to separate you anger over your father hiding this relationship, from your feelings about what sort of person Dixie is. And in her defense… one of the kindest and most empathetic women I have ever met was named Dixie. It isn’t her fault her parents named her something that you don’t like.

YARNLADY's avatar

The feeling you have described here is very normal, for a 10 year old. As an adult, you should have overcome that kind of petty thing.

rooeytoo's avatar

I think your dad was hesitant about introducing you to Dixie because she is so much younger. If I was with someone that much younger, I would be embarrassed or shy or something about introducing them. I once went out with a man who was 22 years older than I and I know people would look at us and think that I was his daughter.

I would friend her on facebook, it is a way to get to know a little bit about her. And the chance does exist that you might like her and have common interests especially since you’re close in age.

nikipedia's avatar

@YARNLADY: Why would you make such a nasty comment? I think her feelings are completely legitimate and in no way petty and I don’t think you’re adding much to the dialogue by insulting @La_chica_gomela

juwhite1's avatar

I think the sentiments described are a bit emotionally immature. That can be an instantaneous reaction for many of us, especially in tense situations, but overcoming that initial reaction is the difference between being a responsible and compassionate adult and remaining childlike. I think that @La_chica_gomela already realizes that, or she wouldn’t be asking this question and questioning whether she is at fault for immediately disliking Dixie. While the feelings are very likely quite normal, acting on them is another story. I agree with @rooeytoo that friending her on Facebook and getting to know a little something about her that way is probably a very good idea.

Grisaille's avatar

He’s a mortal man with a heart. He has desires, makes mistakes, loathes, is bashful, has insecurities, and – most of all – wants to love and be loved, just as you do.

Why would you hurt your father by instantly hating someone that he may feel passionate for? Don’t you realize how painful that must be, to love your daughter to bits, yet yearn for the feeling of love from another… one that your daughter hates (for no good reason, it seems)? If you’ve ever loved someone and have felt love back, you must know that it’s a wonderful feeling; wouldn’t you want your father to be able to feel that, to have that? Just keep calm and carry on. Don’t be selfish.

YARNLADY's avatar

@nikipedia I answered the question as it was asked. That kind of behavior is completely uncalled for, and I’m not afraid to say so

timothykinney's avatar

@YARNLADY : Nobody appreciates being told they are acting like a 10 year old. Someone with your age and experience could consider being more tactful. Thank you for comments.

MacBean's avatar

@YARNLADY: Wow. It must be nice to be perfect enough to feel entitled to make bitchy comments like that.

Grisaille's avatar

HEY.

Respect your elders. At the very least, keep it civil.

Bri_L's avatar

@YARNLADY – Hehe. Not afraid to say so. Because that makes it ok to call someone a 10 year old when they share there feelings and ask for help. One would think that at your level of maturity you would have developed a sense of subtlety. Either that or you are unable to. Or do not wish to. All of those cases would also put you at about 10. Or 9. And I am not afraid to say so.

@Grisaille – Respect must be earned.

@La_chica_gomela – I think there is nothing wrong with being upset with your father. I would have an conversation just with him. I don’t get the idea that your upset he is dating, just that he kind of hid it from you. If I am reading that right, let him know that and let him know it’s ok for him to talk to you.

In terms of wether or not you like his girlfriend, your darn right it is up to you. But make sure you give her a fair chance, and I think you will just based on your fluther time. Just try not to let your frustration with your father not telling you affect your feelings towards her. Talk to your dad. THEN disliker all on her own merit. :-)

Jude's avatar

Funny that you posted this question. My Mom passed away two years ago. We all loved her so much. Her and my Dad were together for over 50 years. He adored her and even though he was an asshole sometimes, she stuck with him. She was the matriarch, for sure and he had so much respect for her.

My Dad has always been a self-centered man. He’s also not a very strong man (emotionally) and when my Mom was sick and dying of cancer, the kids had to be the parent and help him get through it all, while trying to get through it ourselves. It sounds harsh, but, you have to know him. He fell apart and couldn’t be a Dad for us kids.

About six months after my Mom died, my Dad met a lady from the States (we’re Canadian). He was all secretive about it, but, it didn’t take me long to figure it out (she would call my Dad’s house a lot and I was there to pick up the phone). I was rude to her on the phone. Meaning, I sounded like a total bitch when talking to her (attitude). I couldn’t handle the fact that my Dad was seeing someone else. No one could replace my Mom. She was irreplaceable. That’s how I felt then and still feel now. But, I know that my Dad needs to be happy. And, if this woman makes him happy, then that’s the way it has to be. She also lost her husband to cancer. And, they’re there for each other – companions.

I have a brother and sister who have a real time with it. And, that’s mainly why my Dad keeps his “lady friend” from us. Well, tonight, I stopped by my Dad’s house (an unexpected visit). When my girlfriend and I pulled up, I noticed a rather nice Escalade with Michigan plates. I said right away to my g/f that my Dad’s lady friend is there. My Dad must have heard the car and met us half way up the driveway. It seemed as though he wanted to prepare me for what I was about to see. He said, I want you to meet my friend. I turned the corner to the backyard and there sat a pleasant looking woman with a big smile on her face. I smiled back and we talked for a bit. And, you know what? I was fine with it. I actually felt good about it all. No bitterness; I wasn’t uncomfortable. I just felt like no big deal and after a while, off my g/f and I went.

I know that it’s hard, but, try to think of it this way; if this is what makes your Dad happy, then it’s a good thing. And, you love your Dad and want him to be happy.

YARNLADY's avatar

” Is it my fault if I immediately dislike her?” Yes, you are responsible for your own feelings, and making up your mind without even meeting someone is not appropriate for an adult. When I first saw this question I immediately assumed it was from a child. When I saw that you are an adult, I answered exactly what I think. Some people here apparently don’t want honest answers.

Bri_L's avatar

@YARNLADY – there is a difference between honest and tripe. You didn’t need to state it so coldly. But you did. So deal with the back lash.

Others managed to say it without insulting her like you did.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

@YARNLADY and @Grisaille: I understand where you’re coming from, and I appreciate your honesty. But I feel that maybe you didn’t read the details of the question. Nothing is ever as straight-forward as the title-question. @Grisaille: I never said I hated her, or even used the word ‘hate’. I don’t know where you got that from. @YARNLADY: I’m surprised you think it’s okay for a father to be dishonest with his adult daughter about something like this.

YARNLADY's avatar

@La_chica_gomela Your question does not ask about whether it is ok to be dishonest with his daughter. Nowhere in your details do you ask about his treatment of you. I read it as you trying to justify you to immediately dislike a person you have not even met, and there is no justification for that. She may not even know about his deceiving you.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

@YARNLADY: So are you saying you just answered the title question as if you hadn’t read the details even though you had? Why bother?

Bri_L's avatar

@La_chica_gomela – I am sorry I should have ignored all of this:

“He told me on Father’s Day, and then she facebook friended me on Tuesday (even though WE HAVE NEVER MET!) Before my dad told me about her, he had mentioned several times that he was going to a specific concert, and I had even asked him if he was going with anyone, and he said no. And then suddenly, weeks after the event, he tells me actually it was with her, and they’re dating. It was a “date-date”, not their first “date-date”.

I feel like I’ve been deceived, and that there are probably a lot of other things in his life he’s not telling me…..

I just wish he had been straightforward with me in the first place…”

And just answered from the title. I didn’t realize that is what you wanted.

YARNLADY's avatar

@La_chica_gomela It sounds like a lack of communication – I have read the details again, and yet I still don’t see where you have asked anything about the way your dad deceived you.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

@YARNLADY: Yes, you’re right. Ending with “I just wish he had been straightforward with me in the first place…”—that issue is obviously all wrapped up with a nice little bow and the words, “Carmen totally has this under control and doesn’t need any help dealing with it. Plus it’s totally irrelevant and not even worth commenting on.” written on top in pink icing with roses around it.

Bri_L's avatar

@YARNLADY – Here:

“He told me on Father’s Day, and then she facebook friended me on Tuesday (even though WE HAVE NEVER MET!) Before my dad told me about her, he had mentioned several times that he was going to a specific concert, and I had even asked him if he was going with anyone, and he said no. And then suddenly, weeks after the event, he tells me actually it was with her, and they’re dating. It was a “date-date”, not their first “date-date”.
I feel like I’ve been deceived, and that there are probably a lot of other things in his life he’s not telling me…..
I just wish he had been straightforward with me in the first place…”

YARNLADY's avatar

@Bri_L @La_chica_gomela There is no question there! It still sounds like trying to justify a reason to simply dislike a woman without ever meeting her. Don’t get mad, but here’s what I see “Daddy made me mad, so I decided to immediately dislike his new girlfriend, is that ok?” and I say it is not ok.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

“so I decided to immediately dislike his new girlfriend”?

@YARNLADY: So, do people often describe you as “cold and calculating”? I didn’t decide to feel anything, or decide to like or decide to dislike anyone. I felt uncomfortable in a situation, and the decision I made was to seek guidance. I sense that you struggle with the concept of empathy.

augustlan's avatar

[mod says] Flame off folks.

Milladyret's avatar

I am a ‘Dixie’. I’m 25 years junior of my SO, and in the prosess of telling his kids, I noticed my beloved taking a looong time figuring out how and when he should tell them. It didn’t end TO bad, but they have lost some contact since then.

My advice: Trust your father. If he has chosen this woman, it means that he likes her, and wants to be with her, and that should be his choice. If he’s taken the (seriously uncomfortable) choice to lie to you, it’s to be sure he’s doing the right thing before he springs this on you.
He knows you’re gonna react, so he wants to be sure. That’s a good thing, right? Forgive him for lying, you’ll only regret being angry at him.

And as for Dixie? You might not like her, and it’s nothing wrong with that. She might be young and stupid, but that’s none of your bees-wax. Try to be nice to her, she, just as your dad, has every right to be happy.

I understand that this is a seriously difficult time for you, but remember this:
1: Your dad has the right to be happy (and how he does that is none of your business), and the best you can do to help is to try and make the best out of the situation.
2: His new g/f is scared shitless (I know I was!) that you’re gonna dislike her. Try to be nice to her, but be honest with her as well; Tell her how you feel (without namecalling and shouting) when the time is right.

As for me: I’ve been with my SO for almost 4 years, and we have a great relationship. My SO has contact with his kids, but I stay clear of them, out of respect for their feelings. If they want to talk to me, they have my phonenumber.

Good luck! You’re gonna be just fine!

Oh, and suck it up and accept her Facebook-request. It’s really not that big a deal.

Judi's avatar

@laChica, I don’t know you at all, but have you considered that he may have hesitated being totally honest because he was afraid of your reaction. If that is the case, have you taken an honest inventory of the way you react to other things and determined if his fear was well grounded?
You seem to be one of those talented people who can asses a situation quickly and act on it. That’s a great atribute in business but it can get in the way of relationships. Obviously your dad values your opinion and your quick rush to judgment is the exact reaction he feared. On a way, by not giving her a chance you justify his hesitation to tell you important things about his life in the future.
One more thing to consider. Doesn’t he have a right to keep parts of his life private? Does your father know every intimate detail of your life?
the older I get the more I realize how human my parents are

Darwin's avatar

Your father loves you and wants you to love him back. He is probably worried that you might see this new GF as an interloper, or a golddigger, especially because of her age. However, he is also a human being and needs a partner.

He has handled this particular introduction badly, and you have every right to be upset with him, but you really need to give this woman a chance. Even if her name were “Bobby Jo” or “Ima Hogg,” you really can’t judge her until you have met her.

If the rapid Facebook friending bothers you, just leave the request sitting there until you have gotten to know this woman in person. If she turns out to be a good person, one whom you like, then you might accept the offer. If she turns out to be “yuck” odds are your dad will figure that out before too long and she will vanish from the scene.

At least he told you he has a new GF. Some dads would have figured it was no one’s business but their own if the kids are grown and gone.

And actually there probably are a lot of other things about his life he hasn’t told you, including some things he hasn’t told anyone. Does he know absolutely everything about you?

Bri_L's avatar

@augustlan – I am sorry for not dropping it.

Bri_L's avatar

@Darwin – I don’t see that she even hinted that she needs to know everything about him. I just read that she was upset with the way he sort of did/decided to/didn’t tell her about this.

Judi's avatar

Darned iPhone! I just re-read my last post. Sorry for the typos. Please forgive

juwhite1's avatar

I’m not convinced it is necessarily a good idea for parents to tell their children (youth or adult) about every relationship they have. To me, good parenting includes getting to know someone better before bringing them into the lives of your children. I hate it when I see parents traipse every person they date through the lives of their kids. I’d respect a parent’s right to feel the situation out and get to know the person before introducing them to my kids. Now, if he had been dating her for the last 6 months and still hid it from his daughter, that would be an entirely different story…

SuperMouse's avatar

@jmah excluded, I’m curious to know how many of the people answering this question actually have a single parent who has started to date.

juwhite1's avatar

I have divorced parents. Both dated and eventually remarried. I was never angry or upset about them dating, and neither of them told me right away when they started dating someone new. It was during my adolescence, and I think they were correct not to share that information with me until they had vetted the people they were dating. Some of my siblings were in adulthood at the time, and the information wasn’t shared with them right away, either.
I’m also the wife of a widow who has two young adult children. I was the first new woman in his life after his wife’s sudden death. It was emotionally tough on the kids at first when they felt he was somehow trying to replace their mother. She was a wonderful woman and could never be replaced. It isn’t about trying to compete with her or replace her. He’ll always love her, and rightly so. Ours is a separate relationship from the one my husband and his late wife had. He did wait to tell them about me out of fear of hurting them, making sure I had a strong potential of being permanent in his life, and figuring out how to tell them he was dating again. It wasn’t intended to hurt them or to keep a secret. It was intended to protect them from undue, additional pain. His daughter was extremely angry with him for not telling her right away, but his son understood the reasons. They just have different levels of emotional maturity. With time, his daughter came to understand that he had a right to move on with his life and do do things that brought him happiness and love again.

Bri_L's avatar

My parents divorced and started dating when I was 18, my sisters were 16 and 14.

I think it depends on the age of the kids.

juwhite1's avatar

Also, in the situation I described above, I think that if I had approached this from the mindset of competing with my husband’s late wife, his daughter would have never accepted me and would have been just in her refusal to do so.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

@La_chica_gomela, the idea of dating for “older people” is a little different in some ways than younger people. I would suspect that your father may have going out with Dixie, but didn’t actually consider it “dating” as in a relationship. You need to cut him some slack. The fact that the last time he dated anyone was when you were 6 is quite remarkable (unless you’re currently 8 years old). He deserves not to be lonely.

That being said, it sounds like Dixie is coming on way too strong, and you’re entirely right to maintain a little distance until you figure out what type of person she is. She may turn out to be wonderful. Or not so wonderful. Your dad needs to figure that out on his own.

How would you expect your dad to react if you started dating someone new that he had doubts about?

cak's avatar

Your dad made a mistake. I made a mistake like that with my daughter. It wasn’t done with the intent of being cruel, it was done to protect her from meeting people that may or may not remain in her life. I made my decision based on a big picture reason. Her father introduced her to every single woman (girl) he dated, looked at or slept with. To me, I decided to only introduce her to people that really became a true part of my life, not to every person I wen ton a first date with. It didn’t make sense to me to introduce her to people that could float in and out of so quickly.

My daughter mentioned to me that she never saw me dating anyone, this was about 4 years after being divorced. I never mentioned anyone, I never brought anyone over, when she was there and I certainly didn’t want her to call them any “special” name. A good friend introduced all her dates as “Uncle” something. Blah! I sat her down and told her that I was, in fact, dating someone. I had been for a few months. She was shocked, but understood. Turns out, he was the person I allowed in her life and he turned out to be the man I married.

It’s not easy, when making that decision. There isn’t some perfect guideline, because all children (and adult children) are different. Maybe his decision was wrong, but you need to deal with the anger, if you don’t, it will affect your relationship with your father – long term. _That relationship is more important than a relationship with Dixie.

As for Dixie, for both your sanity and your father’s feelings, be civil and respectful. Take you time to get to know her; however, don’t hold her to the standard of those from a woman he dated when you were young. A woman that may have been kind, but you don’t remember her name. Keep in mind, it is easier to make a 6yr old happy, than an adult child of a dating parent. Cut her some slack, get to know her – for the person she is.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

Thanks for your answers, everyone! Much lurve!

mbubbles's avatar

I completely understand why you would feel the way you do, but try giving her a chance. Try doing stuff with her and getting to know her better. You might find that you like her more than you thought you would.

Jeruba's avatar

When someone is loved by someone you love, it should be easy to be kind.

Darwin's avatar

@Bri_L – She said “I feel like I’ve been deceived, and that there are probably a lot of other things in his life he’s not telling me.”

That sounds to me as if she feels he is keeping secrets from her, so I said “And actually there probably are a lot of other things about his life he hasn’t told you.”

He is an adult who is also her father, but she is an adult and so should understand that parents and children are not joined by the hip for life.

Bri_L's avatar

@Darwin – I completely see where your coming from now. Thank you for helping me with that. I missed it. Sorry about that. :-)

wundayatta's avatar

@La_chica_gomela YOu know, when I read your response I got pretty angry. I was pretty insulted to have it suggested that I didn’t read the details. I had, in fact, read them three times.

Now, after reading your response to @YARNLADY, I have to wonder if you actually read the details of your own question. I would like you to go back and try to consider them as if they were from someone else, and not yourself. Try to imagine the feelings of the person who would write these things. Try to imagine where those feelings come from.

I don’t know how much you know about psychology, or how things can be buried in our subconscious minds, but if you do know these things, it appears to me that you are blinded to that in your own case. This, as far as I’m concerned, is why you are thinking in a way that @YARNLADY describes as immature.

I think you are strongly underestimating what is going on inside yourself. I think you are in a kind of denial about your feelings about your father, and what happened way back before you even remember it. In my experience, and from what therapists have told me, the things that happen before we have a conscious memory have some of the strongest effects on our lives, and these effects are the most difficult to understand, because their roots happen before we remember.

I would appreciate it, in the future, if you want to take issue with my points, that you do on it on a reasoned basis, not through insults. You might ask what I see in your details that would make me reply the way I do. YOu might offer reasoned arguments about why you think this is not a serious question and that I was reading too much into it.

Frankly, this is not the @La_chica_gomela that I thought I knew. You seem much more upset by this than I would otherwise have thought. I don’t think I am reading too much into this by a long shot. I think you are seriously underestimating how important an issue this is to you, and how it opens a door to some self-realizations that you are quite uncomfortable with.

This is a good thing. It is a chance for growth. I hope you will be open to it.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

@daloon: I’m really sorry you felt insulted. Really. That was not my intention at all.

I still think you’re just reading too much into the issue though. I don’t say that to offend you. Please don’t take it the wrong way. But I often feel like you read too much into things that are not that complicated, like when I was having issues with my exboyfriend, for example.

Anyway, I’m already fine with the whole thing. I talked to @SuperMouse and some of the other answerers a bit in private messages about it, and I’m completely fine with the whole thing now. I’m planning to accept her friend request. I had a great talk about it with my dad yesterday. I’m completely happy for him.

timothykinney's avatar

I think it’s funny when I learn things about my girlfriend from Fluther.

augustlan's avatar

@La_chica_gomela I’m so glad you came to terms with this so quickly. :D

wundayatta's avatar

@La_chica_gomela That’s fair. I’m glad you didn’t mean it that way. I’m also glad that you have resolved things to your satisfaction.

Maybe you just have a more emphatic style of saying things than I am used to. I’m responding to things like ”I feel like I’ve been deceived, and that there are probably a lot of other things in his life he’s not telling me.” and ”I’m just leaving her in friend purgatory for now…” and ”I don’t know, I don’t like the whole situation, and I don’t like her.” and ”the few things I do know about her, I don’t like, and I don’t know anything about her that I like…and that makes me so uncomfortable…

To me, these are highly charged, emotional statements that don’t seem warranted by the circumstances. Perhaps stronger than you realize or intend. I think my interpretation, even if incorrect, is reasonable. I may be wrong, as far as you’re concerned, and I’m fine with that. I just don’t like being told I read too much into things. I see what I see, and I see differently from you. When you tell me my vision is overly sharp, it feels like I’m being attacked and devalued, which I don’t think is what you mean to do. Like I say, just saying “that doesn’t feel right to me” works, and doesn’t seemed designed to hurt me.

I suppose I’m overreacting to some degree, and maybe not just to you, but others who may have said this to me. I think I even asked a question about it once—something like How can you think too much. Actually, two questions. So it’s a sensitive area for me. I’m just trying to be helpful, not insulting or hurtful. I see what I see, and, since no human knows themselves perfectly, I don’t see how anyone can know, for sure, whether it is too much or too little.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

@augustlan: Thanks! Yeah, I think just being able to talk it out and see a lot of different points of view really helped. It’s not actually a big deal at all (duh) but for some reason it felt like a huge one at the time.

@Tim: I did tell you about this several days before I wrote the question… ;-P

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