What would you do if someone seemed to be trying to initiate an emotional affair?

Oh now I’m a somewhat expert on relationships, friends at school call me Dr phil jr. Ok let me think….

Well how long has this been going on for?

That sounds real enough to me. My strategy with people like that (online and in real life) is to mention my significant other in a positive way any time the person does something that makes me uncomfortable.

It’s like positive/negative feedback, you know? If everytime they hit on me, they get to hear about how much I love @TimothyKinney, eventually they either move on to a new topic or a new girl.

I would just call him out on it before cutting off contact. Be frank and honest and say, “I know you’d never do something like this (if you think it’s true), but some of your communications lately seem a bit flirty—like you are interested in an emotional affair—I’m just a bit uncomfortable with them. I’d really appreciate it if you could tone it down a little.”

If he responds well, hooray you still have a friend. If not, no big loss I hope.

If he wants to go out on a date with you, then tell him no.

Ask him to try to solve his marriage. Make that clear to him. Remind him of the fact that the both of you are in relationships with other people and that you, on your hand, are very content where you are.

I would make it clear to him that you’re uncomfortable with this behavior and, if he continues it, cut him off.

Uh oh, you’re next in line in his eyes.
Problems with the wife, x’s and o’s, online flirting… he might even be angling for a physical affair. It doesn’t sound like he’s interested in friendship.

Aye true. If he talks about high school ok fine, but to keep going and going. Finish it! Cut him off. If he liked you on high school. Oh well ‘Twas his loss. He can’t be living in the past now. Tell him to move on.

Sounds like he’s open to that and seeing how much you’ll respond or go along with it. Say right up front what you are not comfortable with and give him the chance to back it up and put himself in line in order to respect your friendship, if you’re even interested into cultivating a friendship. If you feel more comfortable with him remaining just an acquaintance, tell him that too.

Tell him how much you love your husband, how wonderful he is, and how glad you are that adult life is far better than high school.

Tell him you always thought him as a nerd?

I’d get emotional.

I’d flip

i think you needn’t address this at all with him. are you getting anything out of reconnecting with this ‘friend’ other than uncomfortable feelings? finish it. this is a problem with facebook and other such tools. they make us feel obligated to revisit connections that were likely lost for a good reason.

My ex-husband tried this. It really ticked me off. I had my husband help me craft a response that wasn’t nearly as rude as what I wanted to say, but still politely sent the message that I’m in love with my husband and not interested. I believe it ended with telling him I hoped his marriage (to the woman he cheated on me with) was bringing him as much happiness and fulfillment as mine was (not in those exact words).

That totally sucks for you. And it’s wrong.

I do hate when it goes the other way. I had someone in high school who brought up the topic of how she never had a date until college. I told her I always had a crush in high school but never acted because she always had these boys around her. This was after we had been reacquainted on facebook for a while and became friends. I told her my wife and I were having some problems but that I was faithful to the core and dedicated to the end to my family and we were working things out. Then I complimented her on these two pictures, they where black and white head shots, artsy types and one shot from high school where it looked like she was giving the ‘come hither’ look and I said “woah grrrowlll”. Suddenly I get this email implying I am trying to hit on her and the like.

I guess once the ring is on you have to be hyper vigilant.

block him. wierd.

Run, don’t walk to the nearest escape hatch. A very similar scenario happened to my wife, and she fell for it. We are now separated.

@ru2bz46 – I am so sorry to hear that. I want to reiterate that I was not in anyway trying to hit on this woman. I think she was seeing things that were just not there.

@Bri_L Yes, I totally understand your situation. I’ve made “somewhat flirtacious” comments to women about their photos myself while our roles of “friend only” were implied. I’ve felt safe in doing so because they know me and how I act. My comment was to the original question.

@ru2bz46 – Thanks for saying so. I just felt bad after reading your post. That just sucks.

yeah, sounds like he’s looking for something more than an internet chat…make your intentions clear, he’ll probably just move on.

@La_chica_gomela: I’m so lucky. :):):)

@everyone, thanks for the input, I decided to take the bull by the horns. Here is what I wrote:

I want to tell you that I am in love with Sebastion* and dedicated to him and our relationship forever. That being said, it is important to me to avoid any kind of exchanges that might make him (or myself) uncomfortable. While I was flattered to hear of your feelings all those years ago, I am not comfortable discussing them, or your feelings that may still linger. I am sorry to hear that your marriage does not have the passion you might like and of all the heartache you have experienced during the past decade, but I am afraid I will not be able to lend an ear or share my own experiences. It just doesn’t feel right to me. It feels to me that you might be seeking some kind of emotional interaction that I am not willing to provide.

I have made a commitment to myself and to Sebastion and above all to God that I won’t make the same mistakes this time that I made in my marriage. I will always put this man and this relationship above all else. Interacting with you in way I am not comfortable with undermines that commitment.

* Not his real name.

I wanted to avoid the situation @Bri_L experienced so I tried not to make it sound accusatory. At the same time I wanted to get my point across in no uncertain terms.

SuperMouse, that reads great. I think that if it’s a misunderstanding, he should be able to jot back, “Oh man, so not what I was going for…” without being upset or anything. And if it isn’t a misunderstanding, you made your point clearly and concisely. Very nice!

@SuperMouse….Good letter and the most appropriate way to handle the situation. If it does not prove effective, do anything and everything you can to lose this guy (block him, etc). If you can’t lose him, let me know. If he still lives in Southern California, perhaps I could pay him a very persuasive visit?! Good luck to you.

@SuperMouse – Excellent job! And he had way crossed the line. The things you listed he did are not even close to what happened with me. It would never have been necessary. This guy needed to be told and you did so in a very nice was as the Empress said!

Just as an observer here, I’d be curious to see his response. You cetainly made it clear as to your feelings about the situation.

Sounds like you handled this well.
If he can’t get it from this, then I would unfriend him from Facebook.

Best of luck to you and Sebastion

@fireside Ah-hah! You posted twice, too. What the HELL is wrong with this site??? Nothing’s working.

Very nice @SuperMouse! That should definitely get the point across. :-)

His response was a long (four paragraph) note about how I misunderstood his intentions. He apologized for the misunderstanding. Because the message was so long and emphatic I get the feeling that I made the right call about his intentions. As Shakespeare said, “methinks thou doth protest too much.”

Maybe the two of you can go on & pretend it didn’t happen?

Simply do this,
Tell him to Fxxx Off.

Delete and block him on FB.

You probably can go on and pretend it didn’t happen, with a little bit of formality in the mix. There are a lot of guys in this age group who have never really had friendships with females, only dating type relationships. “Love Sebastion” and “God” in the same paragraph should take care of things. His interest should become more circumspect, and he will fade back into the woodwork.

Friend request his wife.
He sees that, he will back away.

OMG! He sent another – even longer – note! He pointed out three times that we will probably never see each other again. What he doesn’t seem to understand is that I know what an emotional affair looks like and that is where he seems to want to go. I didn’t respond to either message. @whatthefluther, he is still in So Cal so I might have to enlist your services! (o; lol4rl!!!

Anyway, thanks everyone for the great advice and encouragement! Lurve all around!

You got a spooky one there @SuperMouse. Be careful and good luck.

Just make it clear to him and remind from time to time.
hope he don’t know where you live and stuff…...

@prude He probably doesn’t know where she lives, but probably knows where she stuffs.

I ignored both of the tomes he sent explaining why he was not looking for an emotional connection. He gave it a couple of days and removed me from his friends list. What a relief! I know for an absolute certainty that I did the right thing.

Glad he decided to give it up and go away!

@SuperMouse Hooray!

@SuperMouse….That is great news. However, should he ever resurface, you know who to call…..wtf

@whatthefluther reason number 5,671 you (and the wife) are two of my very favorite flutherers!

well up to you you ultimately make all your decisions and this is just one more to make in your activly participating in life.