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Ansible1's avatar

Why does my opinion of other women upset my girlfriend?

Asked by Ansible1 (4824points) June 29th, 2009

We were watching tv the other day and she asked if i thought pam anderson was hot, i said yes, she was like- ‘really? she’s so trashy!’ i explained that i would never sleep with her or anything but yes to the eye she is physically attractive. She explained she understands the fact that i will find other women attractive, but she hopes that i will have standards. I feel the need to say something like ‘i’m a guy i can’t help the way i’m programmed, i can’t help it that large breasts and pretty faces are appealing to me’ but i fear this would be more upsetting. How can i explain this to her?

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20 Answers

whatthefluther's avatar

The answer should always be: “yes, she is somewhat attractive, but not nearly as attractive as you, my love.” Try it…it should work for you.

Sorryroger's avatar

Exactly you have a girlfriend ready who loves you. Don’t wander off. She’s your girlfriend for a reason, you thought her attractive that is why you are her boyfriend. Mans greatest joy is that which is in front of him.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Clearly, she doesn’t want to or care to hear your honest response. This is childish but very common. Of course we all find others attractive and we don’t find them attractive based on what our partners feel is attractive, yet we (myself, included) sometimes think that this somehow reflects on us – as in your gilfriend had to say something negative about Pam Anderson because she didn’t want to consider what you finding Pam Anderson attractive might have to do with her and how she looks

cwilbur's avatar

Insecurity.

Jeruba's avatar

One way or another, they are a threat to her. If you find another woman attractive, she feels she is coming off worse by comparison. If you don’t, it’s “Is that how he really sees me?” If you express values and standards that she thinks are cheap or low, then she can doubt that you are able to perceive her true worth. Insecurity feeds on itself.

Watch out especially for how you say something. If you say “That gal could be really beautiful if she shed a few pounds,” that’s a lot more comforting than if she heard you say “That gal is a fat sow.” Your judgments—and how you express them—are answering questions for her about you and not about the woman in question. Best to be tactful in all cases.

When she puts a question to you in her words (as she did with Pam Anderson), you don’t have to accept them. They may be loaded, as these were. You can rephrase: “I’d have to be blind not to notice what any guy can see, but I look for more than that in a woman.”

basp's avatar

Maybe she just thinks that Pamela Anderson is trashy and questions your judgement as to what makes a woman hot or not.
Seems simple enough to me….

sanari's avatar

Jeruba is so right. My husband says these things this way and I am totally ok with him looking at other women.

You can rephrase: ā€œIā€™d have to be blind not to notice what any guy can see, but I look for more than that in a woman.ā€

marinelife's avatar

I think you should refuse to answer ridiculous questions like that if your girlfriend is going to get upset by your answer.

If her insecurity and insistence that you think like she does continues once you have put into place the excellent advice above, I would rethink saddling yourself with that for the long term.

Ansible1's avatar

That’s what i told her, i said if talking about these kinds of things are going to upset you, then i’m not going to comment on them, and she replied that would make her even more upset. I feel like it’s just a difference between men and women…she can’t understand my male point of view because she is not a male…i just don’t know how to convey this to her.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Ansible1 no, this isn’t a difference between men and women, this is a difference between immaturity and common sense

marinelife's avatar

@Ansible1 The particular discussion is so ridiculous (are there breathing men who don’t respond to Pam Anderson.s obvious charms on some level whether they would date her or take her home to mother or not?), it is astonishing to me that she gets upset at all. News Flash, lady: men and women thinkk differently. This has no reflection on you.

If you care for her and want to educate her, I suggest a two-pronged approach. Hand her a copy of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and sit her down for the Jeff Foxworthy bit about the differences between men and women in which he opines that basically what men want is “a beer and to see something nekkid.”

MrItty's avatar

The woman is under the phenomenally mistaken impression that “attractive” to a guy means the same thing as “attractive” to a woman. When a woman thinks someone is attractive, she’s talking about the complete person – the looks, the personality, the behavior, the history. When a man thinks someone is attractive, he’s talking about the looks. Period.

The woman in question is thinking that because you find Pam Anderson attractive, it is equivalent to thinking she’s a good person. Because that’s what “attractive” means to her.

Psychologically or Anthropologically, it probably has something to do with the idea that women want to find a suitable mate, whereas men basically just want to screw. <shrug>

Bri_L's avatar

What I find attractive in women is all inclusive and adjusts.

I might find a lady very very attractive then find out they are shallow or can’t carry a conversation.

Or I might not be smitten right away but as I get to know a women, their personality and the like, I start to notice attributes in a different light.

If a woman asks about someone you don’t get to talk to, then she is setting the ground rules for judgment. She can only blame herself.

lloydbird's avatar

Never offer an appreciative opinion.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

If she is truly upset then it means she doesn’t believe you find her very attractive. If your gf really believed in you then she might be a little taken in a lighthearted way but not deeply disturbed.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

I don’t agree with some of what has been said here, based on what your girlfriend said. It does not mean she’s insecure. I used to do the same thing, sometimes, when I was in a relationship and it had nothing to do with insecurity. What I was doing, if I asked that question, was trying to get inside my partners head to the best of my ability and see things from his perspective. For instance, both of us completely agreed that Jessica Alba is one of the prettiest females we have ever seen. But then when I heard him say, “Jenna Jameson is gorgeous” it really weirded me out. She’s not, to me, because she looks completely trashy. All fake, no beauty.

And that’s why it bothered me. The idea that he found superficial beauty attractive just grossed me out. If that’s how it is, that’s how it is. Just like you say you can’t help who you’re attracted to, you’re girlfriend can’t help being grossed out about some of the people you find attractive.

Bri_L's avatar

@DrasticDreamer – I agree with you. No offense to Ansible1 but I look at pam anderson now and think just purchased fake blech. But natural is more important to me, I am not saying it is or isn’t better, just is to me.

Maybe you should turn the tables and ask her what girls she thinks are pretty. Then really freak her out and tell her what guys you think are handsome.

mattbrowne's avatar

Your girlfriend might imply that your most important factors for finding women attractive is physical beauty and being hot instead of intelligence, charm, poise and a good heart. You choose her because those other factors are less important to you. Worst case she might even think that you think she’s not intelligent.

marinelife's avatar

@DrasticDreamer I don’t understand why having the same standards for what is attractive is important in a relationship.

Why would you care enough to be grossed out?

kitchi1's avatar

Tell the truth, but say it like, “Yes, she is a bit attractive, but you’re hotter than she’ll be anyday.” Would that work?

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