@MrAnonymous I was just wondering if emotions or love or long term relationships are of interest to you, or if you think they may be of interest to you sometime in the future?
If you’re hanging around with girls who don’t attend classes, and you drink and smoke and hook up all the time, it just sounds like a party atmosphere. Frankly, it sounds kind of empty, where there are no real connections between people; just this desperate use of drugs to break down barriers enough so you can have sex, except the sex doesn’t really get you what you want, because you don’t know the person you’re having sex with.
You probably have no idea what I’m talking about. Sex is important in connecting with people, but first you have to have a good sense of the person, which can only happen if you know them through talking to them and doing things that interest the both of you. I suppose drinking and smoking can be interests, but they don’t take you very far, I don’t think.
A museum; a play; a movie; dinner in a restaurant; an amusement park; a ride on a ferry; a walk in the park; a hike up the mountain; a bicycle trip together—these are all things that give you a chance to slowly get to know each other; to slowly let down your barriers and build trust; and to find out if you can like, or, heaven forbid, even love this person you are with.
It can be very scary to let down your barriers and become known if you are not used to that and if, all your life, people have screwed you over, starting with your parents. You learn to treat people as just things, because they can’t be trusted to care for you if they really know you. It’s actually like a form of low depression that you live with chronically. You become used to it and don’t even know it’s there. It’s lonely, even though you may be with people all the time. It suggests a secret form of low self-esteem, where you don’t really feel you deserve to be loved, and all you deserve are these fleeting pseudo-connections with other people
Finding a relationship is not about impressing or playing a game by the rules. At least, not a satisfying relationship. A lot of people, men and women, think there are rules and they obsess over them, and don’t want to seem too needy, but interested enough, and they always want the other person to want them more than they want the other person.
Relationships are about trust and communication. These are very difficult things to achieve. You can’t do it if you play games. You can’t do it if you don’t really know the person. In fact, it takes years to build this level of trust and communication.
Online relationships—well, they aren’t really relationships, either. Relationships are not just communication and trust; they also include presence and sex. You need it all. Online, you just have a fantasy of the other person that is created through words. It isn’t until you meet the person, that you begin to know them, really.
In the old days, you were introduced to a potential partner. Friends set you up. Parents found a nice girl for you. You met in a class or doing other things that brought you together in a less formal way, but that allowed you to find out what the other person was about.
Nowadays, the internet is serving as the introducer. You essentially introduce yourselves, but in a less intense way. You find out if there’s enough there to warrant an in-person meeting. Some people will spend a lot of time writing back and forth. Others will just find out a few things, and then suggest a meet-up. It all depends on how comfortable you are with words and writing, and how much you need to warrant a meeting.
My preference is to spend a lot of time writing back and forth with someone. I get to know a lot about them, although I don’t think I am actually getting to know them. Then, if an opportunity presents itself, we might meet. Of course, for me, it’s about friendship, so the stakes aren’t as high. Also, friendship can be carried on without an actual meeting. I’ve met a few people from initial online meetings. Back before the internet existed, I met people who were interested in ultimate frisbee, and they introduced me to science fiction conventions. I met people who could help me with various problems.
I was involved in a personal relationship before it became a big thing to meet dates online. I’ve had some intense online relationships, but that was because things weren’t going well in my relationship or in my head. Anyway, a number of people have said they loved me just from meeting me online. I understand what they mean, and I thought I felt the same thing, but it didn’t have the level of seriousness it needed to actually bring us together despite all the obstacles. If I had been single, it would have been different. Then again, maybe I wouldn’t have met these women, since they were mostly in marriages that didn’t make them happy, either.
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