General Question

MrAnonymous's avatar

Women: What do you expect in a first date (online)

Asked by MrAnonymous (20points) June 30th, 2009

As far as online dating goes, women could you please define what you mean by a date?

I do not go on “dates” with people I do not know. I hang out with people I do not know in order to get to know them better, then will date them. I feel first encounters should be very casual. Why invest time in someone who is not worth it?

Now women, what do you expect from a man in online dating. Do you expect to be asked on a real date from someone you do not know, or a more casual encounter (I.E. lunch, smoke together, meet at bar, etc.).

My first messages invite the person to chill (I.E. You seem like a cool chick, we should chill, get to know each other). I really don’t like sending random emails back and forth about intrests and stuff or just general talk. I feel that is better handled (and to be saved) for in person meeting (lunch, smoke, bar), where if we do hit it off, we will then go on a “real” date.

Women, do I have the concept correct lol?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

16 Answers

Tink's avatar

A date to me is when we just hang out, it is worth it to me and depends how far you are, and if you can actually meet up with them, I wouldn’t go on a date with someone I didn’t know well

cwilbur's avatar

A date involves entertainment, companionship, and food.

Early dates involve quite a bit of entertainment, a little bit of companionship, and food.

Later dates involve a lot of companionship, a little bit of entertainment, and food.

At no point should the food be omitted.

wundayatta's avatar

@cwilbur Does virtual food count?

Bluefreedom's avatar

@daloon. I’m going to need an explanation of what virtual food is if that’s okay…..

cyndyh's avatar

I really don’t like sending random emails back and forth about intrests and stuff or just general talk.

If you don’t want to invest the time to get to know her a bit first then why would she want to bother meeting you in person? Look at it from her point of view for a minute. :^>

I met my husband online. We never “dated online”. We spent time talking about interests and had many many discussions through email. Then we met in person and dated.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

“Chill”? If some random guy told me to chill, I’d tell him to hit the bricks. “Cool Chick” seems a little dated. Do you tell her she’s “Groovy” too? I would expect a half way intelligent exchange of ideas, followed by an invitation for coffee, or an art museum, or some place that would seem to indicate that I’m not a hook-up…

wundayatta's avatar

@Bluefreedom If you have a meal with an online date, you have to eat virtual food. As far as I know, it’s still not possible to send real food across the internet. Maybe one day, when we have total emersion VR technology, we’ll be able to simulate in person meetings, so it feels like you’re there. You could stimulate your brain in just the right way to make it think it was ingesting food. I think that would really be virtual food. Meanwhile, we can look at pictures, or peruse restaurant menus together. Well, not you and me. I’m sure you’re nice and all, but I’m not sure I want to date you, even if it is online. Unless you pretend to be a playboy bunny.

Bluefreedom's avatar

@daloon. Your explanation was a satisfactory one and I thank you for that. I’ve never engaged in a virtual dinner so I’m not sure how to get my brain wrapped around that concept, yet. As far as me pretending to be a Playboy Bunny, I don’t see that happening even though it is mildly intriguing in a perverse and disturbing kind of way.

MrAnonymous's avatar


What’s with the art museum thing? I can not name ONE chick who actually goes to art museum. How old are you, if you don’t mind? (maybe it’s an age difference thing). The hobbies of every girl I chill with in real life is

A) Drink
B) Smoke
C) Party
D) Hookup
(any order)

This is college. Most girls I know barely make it to class, let alone going the extra mile to learn art at a museum lol… Most girls I meet are through random encounters at bars or ppl.

I was just wondering if the online world is different. I guess it is?

Tink's avatar

@MrAnonymous “What’s with the art museum thing?”
Well @PandoraBoxx did say ”...or some sort of place to indicate I’m not a hook-up…”
And the online world is wonderful

MrAnonymous's avatar


I’m being honest, no joke or no offence to anyone. It’s just the girls I know are very casual. The type of people you don’t impress with formal events such as dinners and art museums. They are the type of people that you hit up to go out, party, or just go grab something to eat (I guess you would call that dinner).

I’m just trying to get my thinking straight if I want to play the game of Dating 18 – 22 year olds online. How the hell can I play a game if I don’t know its rules? I’m just trying to get help\oppinions from you all, no need to get angry.

Tink's avatar

@MrAnonymous Chill dude, I’m not angry at all, I was just making a point : )

MrAnonymous's avatar


It’s cool. Just clarifying my question :)

Tink's avatar

@MrAnonymous I had totally forgotten this was your question, sorry

wundayatta's avatar

@MrAnonymous I was just wondering if emotions or love or long term relationships are of interest to you, or if you think they may be of interest to you sometime in the future?

If you’re hanging around with girls who don’t attend classes, and you drink and smoke and hook up all the time, it just sounds like a party atmosphere. Frankly, it sounds kind of empty, where there are no real connections between people; just this desperate use of drugs to break down barriers enough so you can have sex, except the sex doesn’t really get you what you want, because you don’t know the person you’re having sex with.

You probably have no idea what I’m talking about. Sex is important in connecting with people, but first you have to have a good sense of the person, which can only happen if you know them through talking to them and doing things that interest the both of you. I suppose drinking and smoking can be interests, but they don’t take you very far, I don’t think.

A museum; a play; a movie; dinner in a restaurant; an amusement park; a ride on a ferry; a walk in the park; a hike up the mountain; a bicycle trip together—these are all things that give you a chance to slowly get to know each other; to slowly let down your barriers and build trust; and to find out if you can like, or, heaven forbid, even love this person you are with.

It can be very scary to let down your barriers and become known if you are not used to that and if, all your life, people have screwed you over, starting with your parents. You learn to treat people as just things, because they can’t be trusted to care for you if they really know you. It’s actually like a form of low depression that you live with chronically. You become used to it and don’t even know it’s there. It’s lonely, even though you may be with people all the time. It suggests a secret form of low self-esteem, where you don’t really feel you deserve to be loved, and all you deserve are these fleeting pseudo-connections with other people

Finding a relationship is not about impressing or playing a game by the rules. At least, not a satisfying relationship. A lot of people, men and women, think there are rules and they obsess over them, and don’t want to seem too needy, but interested enough, and they always want the other person to want them more than they want the other person.

Relationships are about trust and communication. These are very difficult things to achieve. You can’t do it if you play games. You can’t do it if you don’t really know the person. In fact, it takes years to build this level of trust and communication.

Online relationships—well, they aren’t really relationships, either. Relationships are not just communication and trust; they also include presence and sex. You need it all. Online, you just have a fantasy of the other person that is created through words. It isn’t until you meet the person, that you begin to know them, really.

In the old days, you were introduced to a potential partner. Friends set you up. Parents found a nice girl for you. You met in a class or doing other things that brought you together in a less formal way, but that allowed you to find out what the other person was about.

Nowadays, the internet is serving as the introducer. You essentially introduce yourselves, but in a less intense way. You find out if there’s enough there to warrant an in-person meeting. Some people will spend a lot of time writing back and forth. Others will just find out a few things, and then suggest a meet-up. It all depends on how comfortable you are with words and writing, and how much you need to warrant a meeting.

My preference is to spend a lot of time writing back and forth with someone. I get to know a lot about them, although I don’t think I am actually getting to know them. Then, if an opportunity presents itself, we might meet. Of course, for me, it’s about friendship, so the stakes aren’t as high. Also, friendship can be carried on without an actual meeting. I’ve met a few people from initial online meetings. Back before the internet existed, I met people who were interested in ultimate frisbee, and they introduced me to science fiction conventions. I met people who could help me with various problems.

I was involved in a personal relationship before it became a big thing to meet dates online. I’ve had some intense online relationships, but that was because things weren’t going well in my relationship or in my head. Anyway, a number of people have said they loved me just from meeting me online. I understand what they mean, and I thought I felt the same thing, but it didn’t have the level of seriousness it needed to actually bring us together despite all the obstacles. If I had been single, it would have been different. Then again, maybe I wouldn’t have met these women, since they were mostly in marriages that didn’t make them happy, either.

Response moderated (Spam)

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther