General Question

janbb's avatar

Etiquette question: Do I send a wedding gift if I can't go to the wedding?

Asked by janbb (53356points) July 6th, 2009

A (not very close) friend’s son is getting married at a distance. I had told my friend that we wouldn’t be able to come. There was an engagment party locally at which we did give a gift jointly with my son who is going to the wedding. Should I send a check with my RSVP or was I covered by the engagement present? I want to do the right thing.

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11 Answers

janbb's avatar

(Sorry, I just saw the sibling asked 3 weeks ago. Still interested in opinions on this specific instance if you care to give them.)

SirBailey's avatar

The right thing is to send another gift. I mean, the police won’t come and arrest you if you don’t, but it’s proper. In college, another student I really did NOT know invited me, and I did NOT send a gift because I felt that was the reason she invited me to begin with. But I also knew she was moving out of state soon and I wouldn’t see her at all. You CAN get away with giving a lesser gift because you’re not going.

MrItty's avatar

Would you be going to the wedding (and bringing a gift) if you were able to attend the wedding? If so, then yes, you send a gift. If you wouldn’t attend the wedding even if you were available, no, you don’t send a gift.

JLeslie's avatar

Since she is not a very close friend it probably could go either way. I think it also matters by your social class, so since we don’t have that info hard to respond in that way, although since you mention sending a check I assume you are at least middle-middle class. If I was the bride, or the mother of the bride, I would never be upset if someone did not send me a gift, especially if I barely know you. And, to add to the practical/money side of things I am not paying for your meal at the wedding.

Since you are on the fence about this, probably better you just send a check (but I would not send it with the RSVP I don’t think. Any opinions on that?) I would send a separate wedding card.

janbb's avatar

@JLeslie I think that’s very good advice about sending a separate card. Thanks!

JLeslie's avatar

@janbb Sure. You’re welcome.

Darwin's avatar

Personally, I think you have already given a gift in the form of the engagement party present and so if you cannot attend the actual wedding there is no need to give another gift unless you want to.

Why not just send a card wishing them the best in their new adventure?

Judi's avatar

If you can afford it, then send a small gift card in a card with your son. Truthfully, if they are having such a big wedding that they are inviting people they don’t know very well they will probably not notice if you give a gift or not. I sure wouldn’t, and if they are the type of people who DO notice then good riddance!

marinelife's avatar

A card with wedding congratulations is sufficient.

Dr_C's avatar

Depends on your relationship to the couple.. if they are family or close friends sending a gift would be appropriate… if it’s just someone you konw or a work friend… a card is more than enough.

AshlynM's avatar

No. Since she is not that close of a friend and since you already sent them one gift, a card should suffice. Sending a check with the card is optional, but a very nice card should work. I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

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