General Question

rtdrtrtrtrtd's avatar

If a professional dating coach tells you this is it time to give up on ever finding a partner?

Asked by rtdrtrtrtrtd (10points) July 6th, 2009

I can’t help you, man.

Honestly, I think you are like part of the 1% of the population who is beyond help.

Bisexual/gay but unwilling to admit it. Not bad looking but got major self-image problems.

I tell you you are good-looking but lack confidence even in your pictures, and all you say is that they are bad pictures. You totally disregard what’s important and focus on things that don’t even matter.

Keep pitying yourself. Keep on telling you how much life sucks. Keep on telling yourself how you can’t get a girlfriend. (When you are into guys.)

One day you may even kill yourself. (if you are already this big of an emotional wreck now, it’s going to get worse in the future…such as when you start balding or getting fat and you’re still girl-less.)

So…do whatever you want. I lack the ability to help you.

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18 Answers

rooeytoo's avatar

I guess you have to ask yourself how much of what he said is true. If you decide even a portion of it is, I would say get counseling, sounds like you need some help accepting yourself and liking yourself.

For the time being I would stop worrying about finding a partner and just work on myself.
When I am comfortable with myself, it is easier to be comfortable with others.

ragingloli's avatar

I agree with the first answerer. You have no hope of finding a girlfriend if it is likely that you don’t really want one, but a boyfriend.
Accept who you are first, sean.

Aethelwine's avatar

Never give up. believe in yourself. no one else will.

johnny0313x's avatar

I used to be really hard on myself, I still am sometimes but I met someone that accepted everything about me and it changed how I feel about myself alot. I think everyone goes through phases where they are not happy with who they are or wish somethings were different. It’s really a matter of grounding yourself and trying to figure out what really matters. I used to be insecure about the stupidest things, I mean things that nobody else would notice or even think of. Then I realized everyone has things about themselves that they don’t like and 1/2 the time it’s all in our heads because another person would fully accept what you don’t like about yourself. What people will find the hardest to deal with and may make you less attractive is your lack of confidence and self worth. People tend to be more attractive to confident people. I bet if you showed more confidence(even if it was just a front) you would attract more people which would result in a higher self image and boost your confidence.

The way I got over alot of my insecurities was by dating and realizing that the things I didn’t like about myself nobody cared or paid any mind to or some actually really really liked. It’s hard I know but you will live a happier life if you work on this. Hope this helped some….

augustlan's avatar

In all honesty, it seems like what you could really use is a good therapist. I’m not trying to be mean here. A therapist can help you accept yourself for who you really are. Only then will you be able to move on in your life and find happiness. I wish you luck.

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

It’s too early in your life to start looking that far down the road.
Do what you need to do to take care of yourself now.

rtdrtrtrtrtd's avatar

The thing is I don’t care about what I look like, not I don’t care at all, I still try to look good but this coach is saying things I just don’t feel.

BBSDTfamily's avatar

Of COURSE you should not give up dating! This person seems like an idiot, not a professional. Get on EHarmony or something if you want help. Don’t let people help you like this one… they just want your money, not to help.

cyndyh's avatar

I don’t think it’s clear who you are in this scenario. Are you the guy who someone else thinks is beyond help? If this is you, are you saying you are gay or this coach is misreading you?

Ok, that cleared a little of that up. What do you think the coach is saying that’s right and what’s wrong with what the coach says? I think that’s what you need to decide. How much stock do you want to take in this person’s opinion?

For the record I had a friend who was told this by an online dating site after completing their survey. It’s not fun to have that told to you.

BBSDTfamily's avatar

A professional would not speak to you that way. Quit talking to this person immediately.

YARNLADY's avatar

I agree with @BBSDTfamily Find a licensed counselor and make sure they are at least a certified psychologist. I suspect the person you are talking to is not a certified professional.

Edit: I just looked up “dating coach” and it looks like they are nothing more than salespeople selling a dating service. There is no certification of any kind required. Anyone off the street can become a ‘dating coach’ with zero qualifications other than being able to sell a service.

psyla's avatar

Are you paying him to insult you? Report him to the Better Business Bureau and join a dating service.

minolta's avatar

I have to say this for your own good man.. **** dating services. Go outside, and first, feel happy. Look for happiness around you, and don’t look at them with condescending eyes, instead see how simple things around them are making them happy. Put a smile on your face, and see how that smile already attracts attention. Which- is good attention. Please, whatever you do, do it in good faith. People around you are not all mean like your dating coach.. besides they’re all so caught up in trying to teach how to date, they probably come off as losers on dates anyhow. Just be yourself…......

If you have self doubt issues, then make fun of them yourself. Even make a point of it on your date, but while you’re doing it, don’t let what you’re saying get to you and make you unhappy. Instead, while you make fun of yourself for having a trait that you classify as a flaw, laugh at it, and make a point in showing that you can open up to the world in all honesty.

Please try this, and then see how the world around you is being affected.

Good luck.

cwilbur's avatar

If you are gay and unwilling to admit it to yourself, no therapist, counselor, or coach is going to be able to get you to a place where you’re happy dating women.

And even if you aren’t gay, if you have self-image problems—and these are usually crystal clear to outsiders, once they see a disconnect between how you think of yourself and how you actually are—you’re not going to get very far in dating. Self-confidence is incredibly attractive, especially if it’s backed up by substance. Self-doubt is a major turnoff. And both of those are true no matter what you look like.

It sounds like you need to put dating on hold for a while—not forever, but definitely until you get some things worked out—and work on yourself. You need to be comfortable in your own skin and reasonably happy with yourself to even have the mental and emotional resources to make a relationship work, and if his evaluation is even close to accurate, you’re not there yet.

(I’d think hard about what the dating coach told you. If he thought he could help, he’d keep you as a customer paying his fees. He doesn’t think he can help you, and he’s telling you why. It’s costing him business to lay it out for you like this, so he doesn’t have a motivation to lie. The only question is whether his read is accurate or not. I’d be inclined to mistrust his read of your orientation—it’s hard to know that from outside—but given that self-esteem and self-image issues tend to be painfully obvious, I’d believe him there.)

wundayatta's avatar

How did you get a dating coach, anyway? It sounds kind of like a scam, to me. The best way I know to meet someone is to get involved in activities you enjoy, especially charitable activities, but also political, or sports, or reading circles or whatever. Then you get to meet and slowly get to know people, male or female, in an atmosphere that isn’t pressured, like with dating.

The other thing to do is to learn about yourself and how you come across. The best way to do this is to ask people. You have to be able to listen without being defensive, after all, you’re looking for information, not an argument. Once you find out what people would like you to do, you try to learn how to do it.

If a dating coach is dealing with dating, and feels like you are hopeless, or are sabotaging your dates, dump him. Ignore him, too. He probably has one tool, and expects it to work for everyone.

If you do have self-image problems, or problems with accepting your sexuality, then counselling is something that might help. If you don’t have any sense of who you are, then you try to be something you think others want, and that doesn’t go over well. People usually can tell when you’re acting. You really have to be yourself, whoever that is.

cak's avatar

I agree with @augustlan. I’m not trying to be mean, either. If you come across as that confused, for lack of a better word, than you need to figure out what is going on inside you. Until you can find those answers and deal with them, the coach may be correct, you won’t find someone because you are not projecting the person who you truly are.

However, I find it sad that instead of him suggesting (kindly) that you might need a different kind of help, he tore you down. If he was truly a professional, looking out for you – his client, he should have steered you in a better direction.

Like @jonsblond said, don’t give up on yourself. Personally, I think you need to figure out who you are, then try again. when you are ready!

Darwin's avatar

I think you need to find someone else to help you find a mate. This “dating coach” is not helpful at all.

tinyfaery's avatar

A dating coach is pretty much a yenta. I cannot believe someone would pay for this?

Could be she(?) was just trying “tough love”. Sometimes people need to hear the truth blatantly, with no sugar coating. Did what she say ring true? If you are attracted to men, maybe it is something you should explore.

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