General Question

sap82's avatar

Ever had a mistress?

Asked by sap82 (704points) July 9th, 2009

How would you hide her from your wife if you did? No, I don’t have one for myself. I am just curious.

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23 Answers

nebule's avatar

I’ve been one and I wasn’t hidden for long! :-)

MissAnthrope's avatar

No.. and I can say with real certainty that I never will.

Bobbydavid's avatar

Good question. I haven’t but I’m certain there’ll be plenty of replies to this and mainly from woman who’ve either been the mistress or the wife. Could be interesting to see what’s wrtitten here

Frankie's avatar

I’ve been one, though the whole time (it lasted about 6 months) I was not exactly happy about what I was doing. I knew it was wrong but I liked the guy, and so I just let it happen. We were never found out, but I ended it when he told me his wife was pregnant…I guess that was the swift kick in the ass that I needed to start thinking straight. It didn’t end very well, since he wasn’t exactly happy about it ending, but he ended up moving away a few months later anyway.

marinelife's avatar

No, I’m hetero, more’s the pity.

wundayatta's avatar

I’ve often wondered how guys get away with this kind of thing. It seems to me that you can only do it if you can deal with a lot of cognitive dissonance, and your spouse is not very observant, or has low self-esteem and won’t question it. Once the dissonance gets too great, you confess. Or if the spouse is observant and has enough self-esteem, they confront you.

I don’t know if it counts if you do something with someone while you’re on a business trip. Is that a mistress? Seems to me a mistress is a long term thing, where you’re having an affair, not just a one-time thing. But if you want to hide it, you can go on a lot of “business trips,” or you could meet in the afternoon, or you could work late a lot. Or go running. Or out with the boys. Take a class. Anything that gets you some alone time for long enough to meet secretly.

Generally, I’m of the opinion that a mistress is a sign you need to work on your marriage. I wish guys would have the courage to try to deal with marital problems before they have an affair, but I totally understand when it doesn’t happen. People can be such wimps when it comes to working on difficult issues in relationships, when dealing with those problems might turn your life upside down. It can feel easier and safer to fool yourself into thinking everything is ok enough, or it’s endurable, and you’ll get what you’re missing on the side.

Marriage may be sacred, but it don’t come with no manual, and a lot of people fall for the myth of “happily ever after.” There’s a lot of shame in admitting the ever after isn’t happy. You often can’t admit it to yourself, much less to anyone else. If you can’t do that, you can’t work on it. Shame plays a big role in both creating affairs, and in ending them.

Darwin's avatar

Nope. But then I am female and hetero.

I have known guys who have had mistresses, but that was in a different culture, where it is considered acceptable. The wife is for bearing children and the mistress is for recreation. Often, marriages are arranged for benefits to the entire family without regard to how the spouses to be actually feel about each other.

I have also known guys who cheated on their wives. Those guys are typically divorced now.

evelyns_pet_zebra's avatar

I do, it’s called a Dell PC. My wife calls my computer my mistress. She is about right, come to think of it. I wish some of the inlet ports were larger, though, that would make things easier, if you know what I mean.

Grisaille's avatar

No, but I know a girl that’d be very upset if she heard me say that.

TitsMcGhee's avatar

I’ve never had one, but I’ve been one (although he wasn’t married). There is a married guy trying to get my attention right now, but I’m not really interested. I was definitely hidden from the other woman, and almost no one knows about it now. I would like to keep it that way too.

jamielynn2328's avatar

I was one once, but I attribute it to being 18 and stupid. For him I attribute it to being male and horny. It wasn’t for long and I think I liked the attention, he was older, had a boat, bought me whatever I wanted. Sad to think the morals I compromised for a boat ride.

Now that I am married, I think that I would know if my husband was cheating. Of course we probably all say that, but I’m pretty observant. I also know that if I was cheating, I couldn’t hide it from him. No matter how I feel about him, as long as we are married, that is a promise I made and will not break.

dalepetrie's avatar

@Grisaille – Nice Mitch Hedberg reference.

Grisaille's avatar

@dalepetrie * phew *

I was hoping someone would get that.

dalepetrie's avatar

You can always count on me to get the obscure pop culture references. Hedberg was one of the greats. He actually is from St. Paul, MN where I live. My wife, who grew up here, for a time went to the same high school as he did, and though she doesn’t recall meeting him, she’s pretty sure she saw him there (we’re just a couple years younger than he was). If he’d lived longer I might just have gotten to meet him some day, I know that his favorite pizza restaurant was my favorite one as well, I suspect sooner or later I’d have run into him there as I go there frequently.

Grisaille's avatar

Man, he was great. That’s awesome about your wife and all. I would have loved to see him live.

Some of the most obscure shit would come out of his mouth. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”

Or a personal favorite: “My friend said to me, “I think the weather’s trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.” Then I thought, “Man, I should’ve just said, ‘Yeah.’”

Delivery was perfect. Such a shame.

On a similar note, what do you think about Demetri Martin? He’s yuppie-er, but his delivery and one-liner style is the same.

dalepetrie's avatar

Haven’t yet gotten into Martin so much. I like non-sequitor humor, but what I’ve seen so far is too random at best and too predictable at worst. Now, for my money, Stephen Wright is the king of that kind of comedy.

But I suppose we should stop the threadjack…here I’ll post an answer relevant to the topic.

Have I ever had a mistress?

Not yet…not even an affair. But my 20 year high school reunion is this weekend, so get back to me Monday.

No, seriously, if I didn’t hit it 20 years ago, why the hell would I want to now that I’m happily married. I’ve never gotten why people hook up at their HS reunions, but it always seems to happen, doesn’t it. Oh well.

Basically, I couldn’t afford a mistress if I wanted one, and being twice my ideal body weight, I kind of doubt I’d find one based on my raw sex appeal alone. Most importantly though, I made the decision to settle down, if I wasn’t ready to do it, I wouldn’t have done it, no big mystery there.

TitsMcGhee's avatar

@dalepetrie and @Grisaille: I love love love both Mitch Hedberg and Demetri Martin! Lurve to you both.

dalepetrie's avatar

When I go up north for my reunion, I’m staying at a hotel. I can’t tell you which one, but there are two trees involved.

Judi's avatar

We call my husband’s airplane “the Mistress,” Especially for the 5 years he spent building it. I hardly ever saw him!

NaturalMineralWater's avatar

I’ll admit it. I’ve been seeing this girl named Fluther. She is just so damned hot.. I can’t keep my hands off her.

nebule's avatar

…come on Introv we all know you’ve had a mistress! and could really contribute to this! and we also know that you are just a surfer still come on for once… just comment!

LexWordsmith's avatar

Never had one—even if i were ever tempted, my wife absorbs all my psychic energy, and i have none left for establishing and maintaining another relationship.

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