General Question

patg7590's avatar

Should the groom be present to open gifts at a bridal shower?

Asked by patg7590 (4608points) July 9th, 2009

step one: fight with mother
step two: fight with bride
step three: ask Fluther to decide

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

43 Answers

SirBailey's avatar

Yes he should. Plus he helps her get them in the car.

He doesn’t attend the entire thing. You just come at the end when she’s opening gifts.

EmpressPixie's avatar

My sister’s fiance was definitely not at her bridal shower. And our entire family felt this was appropriate. It was ladies only.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

I’ve seen it done both ways. It’s becoming much more popular anymore. I’d say do what works for the two of you.

Dog's avatar

Why would the groom be at the bridal shower?
The bridal shower is where the bride gets the cool honeymoon garb to surprise the groom!

drClaw's avatar

Hell No!

The bridal shower is a great time to be having a bachelor party. Do what you can to not go, I didn’t go to my wife’s bridal shower and I think we are happier people for it.

Judi's avatar

Unless it is a coed shower he absolutely SHOULD NOT be there. It comes across as controlling already!

EmpressPixie's avatar

Also, it should be a wedding shower if it isn’t just for the bride. A bridal shower is her thing. Kind of like how she’s not going to be at the bachelor party.

Judi's avatar

What side of the argument were you on @patg7950?

cwilbur's avatar

Here’s the important question.

Suppose your fiancée and her mother say one thing, and Fluther says another. Will your fiancée and her mother change their minds based on what Fluther says? Or will you be in the doghouse no matter what?

(Also, fighting over silly things like the bridal shower, and getting her mother in her corner now, suggests that she’s going to be a Bridezilla. If you think she’ll be worth it, get used to saying “Yes, dear.”)

Zaku's avatar

Unless everyone including the groom agrees, the groom should not be at the bridal shower!

patg7590's avatar

wow this is terribly unhelpful haha

@Judi I was told by my bride that she would like me to be there so I agreed, then my mother was surprised to find out I was going, and said it was not typical, I really don’t care either way its’s just that my mother thinks the standard is no and my bride thinks the standard is yes. (ps- my mother is the one throwing the shower)

@cwilbur its my mother throwing the shower and neither of them care too much about the final result, they just disagree on what the “standard procedure” is. They aren’t really fighting, they just both assumed that what they considered to be “the standard” was going to be followed. So I am mostly trying to find out what the standard really is. Our friend recently got married and he was present at the shower to open gifts. I’m asking fluther merely to find out the norm. or people’s perceptions of it most likely influenced by age or tradition.

(as a side note that may be of help, the shower is mostly going to be attended by friends of my mother, along with some of my brides friends, I don’t know if that makes a difference or not.)

sap82's avatar

I thought it would have been nice, but I was not invited. : (

patg7590's avatar

@SirBailey this was originally the plan per my bride- especially since she doesn’t know a TON of people there :/

SirBailey's avatar

I went at the end, while she was opening gifts. Much to my surprise, another man was there!

If there’s going to be male strippers or something like that, you CAN’T go. But otherwise, like I said, I did it.

SirBailey's avatar

@patg7590, if that’s gonna make her uncomfortable and she’d have a bad time unless you make an appearance, I would definitely go.

kheredia's avatar

I don’t think its a good idea. Having guys at the bridal shower (especially the groom) makes things a bit uncomfortable for all the girls. You’re going to be with her for the rest of your life!!! I think the bridal shower is totally a girl thing and its really awkward when guys go.

kheredia's avatar

I forgot to ask… is she having a bachelorette party too or is this it? If she’s not then you should definitely not go.

patg7590's avatar

@kheredia it is not exactly a typical bridal shower, only a few people there will be her “friends” and they are friends with me also, a lot of people there will just be my mother’s friends or something like that. All of her “close” friends from HS bailed when I “broke up the gang”

SirBailey's avatar

So what you’re saying is you don’t anticipate anything “dirty” that, if you were present, would embarrass anyone? Then go. Doesn’t seem like she’s got anyone “fun” other then you there.

Bri_L's avatar

No. I was forced to under the guise that they were gifts for us. But I was used as a prop for humor and humiliation. I went along with it so as to not ruin it for my wife. I wanted to hang with the guys in the next room and watch the game.

patg7590's avatar

@SirBailey I sure hope not- I mean my MOTHER is throwing it and its mostly her friends so I HOPE not. but you never know :/

@Bri_L I was afraid of that. not from her/my friends but from my mom’s friends I don’t really know at all and my bride really doesn’t know at all.

kheredia's avatar

Well if it’s not going to be the typical shower where there are games and all that stuff then I guess it would be okay for you to go.

wundayatta's avatar

The groom should be out skydiving. Presence is for wusses!

Bri_L's avatar

@patg7590 – it was all from her mom’s friend’s. It isn’t the end of the world and I would do it again to make her happy, but if they asked me and I thought they really didn’t care I wouldn’t be in there.

Listen to me. “They.” How much was her mom over involved?

Darwin's avatar

My husband didn’t come to my shower, but that was because he was working. Personally, I should think that because weddings are so important to brides, if her bridal fantasy includes having you there at the shower, then why not indulge her? Can it hurt anything? These days the standard procedure is whatever the bridal couple wants.

In fact, by tradition, the maid of honor plans the bridal shower and the bridesmaids pitch in to pay for it. The groomsmen do the bachelor party for the groom. The mother of the groom is supposed to plan and pay for the rehearsal dinner. The parents of the bride pay for the wedding, which is planned by the bride.

Sounds as if both moms are somewhat overly involved.

galileogirl's avatar

The coed shower and the drink-til-you-puke-on-the-male-stripper shower are very new, lacking in tradition and can become pretty sleazy. You should think about why the traditional events occur. The bachelor party and bridal shower are times of bonding and marking a life change. Everybody should have sown their last wild oat before they get engaged (and an engagement means a ring and a date not just a vague promise.)

The purpose of the bridal shower was for the brides closest friends and female relatives to get to know each other and support the bride materially and emotionally as her life changes. It is for women only because we can really let our hair down without the men around. That is also the purpose of the silly icebreaker games that we used to play. Like it or not, when there are guys at the party, they become the focus. I would expect a man who insists on attending against the bride’s wishes has issues with trust and/or narcissism and/or a need to control

It’s a sad state of affairs when women can’t get together without sex, drugs and alcohol being the center of every occasion. It has left us with a socially stunted generation.

Darwin's avatar

You might also simply invest in a wedding etiquette book and follow it. Then no one should be able to question what you all do.

You can go traditional or you can go modern, but if everyone gets a copy of the same book you will all have an easier time of things.

It is hard enough to unite two families by marriage without introducing the concept of battling mother-in-laws.

ubersiren's avatar

In my family’s experience it’s all genders welcome. We have far too many male friends to make that rule. For my shower, my husband went out for a beer with his dad and mine, but was back in time for gift opening and cake. For baby shower, he was there the whole time.

Judi's avatar

I think then, that your mom and your bride should work this one out and you keep out of it. (unless it turns into a brawl, then you would have to stand up for your brides wishes.)

jamielynn2328's avatar

I think that you should be there for your bride if that is what she wants you to do. Is it typical? Who cares. There is only one person you are marrying, and if it would make her more comfortable having you there and you don’t mind, then make her happy and content. Bride’s deal with enough pressure from everyone around them while planning a wedding. I would focus on making her happy if you can.

fireinthepriory's avatar

@jamielynn2328 is right – screw what’s “typical” – if your fiancée wants you to go, then frigging go!

A few of my friends recently got married, and they had their bachelor party and bachelorette party at the same time and then all met up together at the same bar, which I thought was adorable. That would be a good compromise if your friends would be able to go out to dinner without getting too trashed to show up to a bridal shower, which is a little different than a bachelorette party. In either case, I’d go if I were you. Don’t want to start off a marriage with your missus miffed. :)

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I think these events are ridiculous…bridal showers, bachelor parties…so I never had any of the above…and to me it sounds like you should do what you and your fiancee want not what you mother wants

Judi's avatar

Where is Jeruba? she always has perfect answers to questions like this :-)

galileogirl's avatar

@fireinthepriory Gotcha! She should start giving him what he wants now no matter what she wants and get used it…I’ll bet it was an adorable and memorable booze up to celebrate holy matrimony

cak's avatar

By traditional standards, no the groom should not attend. By today’s standards, anything goes; however, it’s very awkard when it’s 1 guy and 20 women, talking about the wedding details and such.

If you must attend, to keep peace in the land of bridal insanity, I’d lobby for a quick change of plans and start inviting guys, too!

patg7590's avatar

in conclusion:
the two of them talked about it, and my bride decided she would rather I not go, namely because of potentially awkward situations with certain gifts…and being the only male in a sea of females. I am more than pleased with this outcome and I am certain it is what she wants. (as opposed to being talked out of her wishes)

and about all of the wasted bachelor parites I just turned 19 on Sunday, so there won’t be any of that. :]

Thank you all so much for your help!

Spread the Lurve!great question ;-)

cak's avatar

@patg7590 -by the way, congratulations!

patg7590's avatar

thanks! August 29th is fast approaching!
you can check it out if you like

Darwin's avatar

Wow! Now that is a high tech wedding site. I can see that someone is definitely in to web design.

patg7590's avatar

@Darwin are you making fun? lol its a free template provided by theknot i just put pictures on it.

Darwin's avatar

Not making fun – just remembering my wedding, which was web-free.

Response moderated (Spam)
Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Dumb rules, wow. Of course you should if you want to.

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther