General Question

lark's avatar

How can my boyfriend and I practice safe sex when the condom will not stay on his small penis?

Asked by lark (52points) July 13th, 2009

My boyfriend and I are devoted to each other. We’re also devoted to having safe sex and avoiding pregnancy. I’m on the pill and we use condoms, but the condoms don’t always work. Here’s why:

1. His penis is small. I’m talking very small.
2. He has trouble keeping an erection, so his penis is even smaller sometimes during sex. This is the part that really troubles me. He is erect when we begin but not always fully erect after that. This, of course, causes the penis to become loose.

I’ve been searching the internet for small condoms and I’ve found a few things. I really don’t want to purchase them from embarrassingly named websites, though. I have roommates who check the mail. And he lives with other people, too.

We’ve had a recent scare when the condom sort of flopped off because of these problems. I’m very worried. I don’t even know which of the two issues is more to blame. My boyfriend has very little sexual experience, so he’s pretty stumped, too. This is wearing on us.

Any suggestions, advice, or information would be so helpful.

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58 Answers

chelseababyy's avatar

Well, you’re on the pill, so you should be fine, but why don’t you look into female contraceptives?

CMaz's avatar

How old are you both?

lark's avatar

@chelseababyy, uuum, I don’t know. Two of my friends have gotten pregnant while on the pill. Yikes.

@ChazMaz, I’m 26, he’s 25.

SirBailey's avatar

It’s his inexperience that’s giving him a problem keeping the erection. He’s embarrassed putting it in you. He’s thinking he won’t satisfy you. Try masturbating him for awhile and oral. And NEVER criticize his penis nor performance.

seekingwolf's avatar

@lark

I have personal experience with a situation like this. I’ll send you a private comment on your profile :)

EmpressPixie's avatar

@lark: But are they taking their pills regularly at the same time every day without missing? It is perfect use of the pill that makes it the most effective.

Having said that, there are many sex stores that ship very discretely. You should also be able to simply visit a sex shop. Barring that, you can always use two forms of BC on your own. The pill and a female condom or something else.

ryanpowell's avatar

Pretty sure they sell snug condoms at the drugstore.

You need a condom. There is that STD thing.

lark's avatar

@EmpressPixie, actually, they were taking the pill exactly as they should have been. It surprised me, too. I just don’t want to depend on the pill, alone. Also, I like the idea of sharing this responsibility as much as possible (though I’m not opposed to the female condom idea as an additional method of protection).

EmpressPixie's avatar

@Lark: That happened to my aunt.

seekingwolf's avatar

@lark

Never use a female condom and male condom at the same time. They can pull each other off and that’s not effective. It’s either one or the other.

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galileogirl's avatar

@lark Usually when women get pregnant while on the pill the reason is lack of due diligence. That’s why in many cases the shot or an implanted device is more effective for ‘forgetful’ women.

If your boyfriend is so underendowed, it sounds like you wouldn’t be missing anything if you only went at it “Bill & Monica” style-you can’t get pregnant if tab A doesn’t go into slot B.

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lark's avatar

Huh. Doesn’t feel funny to me. Actually, it sucks to be in love with someone and have an issue like this one. I’m trying hard not to let it get us down.

And I’m certainly not telling anyone who even remotely knows who we are. I would never do that. Fluther is in no way a risk.

seekingwolf's avatar

@eponymoushipster

They would probably have “Hello Kitty” or something like that ;)

damn now I want to buy some

galileogirl's avatar

@eponymoushipster Does Extenze really work? The proportion would be all wrong on a rubber thumb. If they don’t sell Japanese condoms here already, he probably make a lot of money by importing and distributing them, I’m sure there is a big market here. (Or at least a wish big market)

eponymoushipster's avatar

@seekingwolf Sailor Moon. or Voltron (hopefully, the cat Voltron).

@galileogirl as for Extenze, no idea. but the brunette in the ads works for me. me-ow

if you have a japanese neighborhood in your town, you might be able to find them there.

SirBailey's avatar

What about using the product I see “Bob” advertise on Spike all the time? The “chubby Santa”. None of that stuff helps?

eponymoushipster's avatar

@SirBailey i think they got sued. I don’t need the stuff ahem, but i’d refuse that one simply on principle that the ads are both creepy and annoying.

Thammuz's avatar

If you’ve told him his penis is small then no wonder he can’t keep an erection. Do you have any idea how attached we are to our penises? Criticising a man’s penis is like telling him he’s unable to prove you his affection for you (talking for myself here but i do view it like that, i use sex to show affection, and my GF generally appreciates).

nikipedia's avatar

Assuming you are in a monogamous relationship and STDs are not a concern, you might want to consider an alternative birth control method that is more reliable under conditions of typical use so that you’re comfortable not using condoms at all.

Here is a list of birth control methods that includes perfect use and typical use. Your best bet is with something like Implanon or an IUD. An IUD has the added benefit of lasting for 5+ years, so you don’t have to worry about contraception at all during that time.

Jack79's avatar

@lark now I might be completely wrong here, but if the problem is he’s getting soft then you shouldn’t be worried much about ejaculating. Yes, there is some sperm coming out before that too, but if the condom just falls off that doesn’t mean all that sperm will end up inside you (plus you’re taking the pill anyway). It sounds a bit paranoid to me, when the actual problem is that you’re not enjoying sex as much as you should.

I’m wondering whether “normal” penetration even makes any sense if his penis is as small as you mention. What about other positions and things to do with it? (I think you can be creative without me having to describe what I mean).

Is it possible that there are certain things that turn him on that you don’t know about? Things that might make it a little bigger, and in any case not soft? And if nothing else works, have you considered going to a doctor? Maybe one in a different city so nobody knows you.

shilolo's avatar

[mod says] If you don’t have anything nice (or helpful) to say, don’t say anything at all. Thanks.

Kayak8's avatar

There are smaller sized condoms available. If they are not at your local drug store, call your local Planned Parenthood or AIDS service organization as both these entities will have condoms available for distribution (limited quantities and many different sizes).

This way, you can get some and try them out before committing to any one brand before you purchase some for yourselves.

lark's avatar

@Thammuz: Whoah, don’t make assumptions. I have never told him his penis is small, and I never would. I’m totally in love with this guy—I’m not stupid enough to ruin it that way. Besides, while it matters in one way (this way!), it doesn’t matter in others. He’s amazing.

The only reason I’m mentioning it here is because I wanted some advice about something unfamiliar to me, and I don’t feel like talking about this with our mutual friends or my girlfriends. Perhaps it’s an odd thing for a public venue, but I don’t think it’s harmful.

Thammuz's avatar

@lark ok then, i assumed the worse, since i can’t imagine myself not maintaining a boner without psychological tension as a factor.

Is there any way he could be worried about comparisons? Does he know your previous boyfriend (if any)? Have you told him about previous sexual experiences he might feel he has to measure up with? Is he a virgin? Does it get limp only when he’s about to penetrate you or is it an all around problem of durability?

That said, you’re on the pill. If you don’t miss any interval you’re almost certainly safe, and if you turn out pregnant you’ll know immediately (If you miss a period when on the pill you’re almost certainly pregnant, so you’ll still be way into the first month when you could start getting suspicious) and you’ll be in time to get an abortion if you so wish, so you could simply forget about condoms and go bareback.

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shilolo's avatar

[mod says] I hate to be the party pooper here, but which part of “If you don’t have anything helpful to say” was confusing? I (and many others, judging by the number of flags) find the joking on this thread to be offensive, to say the least.

seekingwolf's avatar

I forgot to mention in my private comment to you @lark, but have you thought about consulting a dr about his erectile dysfunction? He may benefit from some medication or something…there are a great number of reasons for why guys have sexual problems, but once you identify the cause, you CAN fix it.

Remember, he may be feeling insecure with his size/performance…and this anxiety can cause erection problems. Be sure to be extra reassuring and tell him how much he pleases you. That alone could make a world of difference.

@Jayne thanks for the link :) my bf will love them!

Blondesjon's avatar

I will say right here, in all seriousness, if the penis is this much of an issue than it will probably be what you finally break up over.

chyna's avatar

Also, certain medications may make him unable to keep an erection such as blood pressure medicine.

eponymoushipster's avatar

[non-mod says:] i gave several straight answers. and, quite frankly, dealing with such a delicate situation with a sense of humor probably one of the best pieces of advice you could give to someone.

westy81585's avatar

@eponymoushipster You must’ve forgotten we’re in online middle school, :P

Cardinal's avatar

You could just change boyfriends.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

I applaud you both for going in for the condoms as back up to the pills. People DO get pregnant while on birth control pills, even taking them religiously.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I’ve had that happen with a person. It was a strange experience. But there are ways to deal with this. The packages for small condoms will probably not have the company’s name on them. Or you can ask them not to put it.

westy81585's avatar

I’m immediately thankful for my larger than average endowment…..

Jayne's avatar

One wonders how the spray-on condom manages to create the space at the tip to prevent…explosions. Or is the material stretchy enough to withstand the expansion?

eponymoushipster's avatar

@Jayne you swirl at the end, like a soft-serve cone.

cyn's avatar

@eponymoushipster sorry for this random question, but do you like people calling you hipster, since you “self-titled” ?

eponymoushipster's avatar

@cyndihugs call me by my stage name, Buck Naked. or “Bucky”.

eponymoushipster's avatar

@cyndihugs if you call me that, that’s how i’ll come when called

Jayne's avatar

I don’t need those. I always pull out before my fingers cum.

cyn's avatar

@eponymoushipster aka. Butt Naked that doesn’t scare me

chelseababyy's avatar

So how ‘bout do it til he’s about to come, then give him head.

And I know people who have gotten preggers on the pill too, but they missed a day or so. People may SAY they are taking it as they’re supposed to, doesn’t mean the are.

seekingwolf's avatar

@chelseababyy

Exactly. I don’t believe the stories where women say “I took the pill religiously and still got pregnant.” They obviously weren’t diligent about it and I don’t like those stories…it turns people off to a VERY reliable form of birth control. I take the pill not really for birth control, but for my hormones…the pill really keeps things in balance and makes me feel better.

I think it’s one of the best birth control options out there. It reduces the risk of cancer when you start on it young, it doesn’t give you osteoporosis like the shot did, no scarring like the Norplant, clears up acne, reduces PMS and period cramps…just don’t take it if you smoke.

:)

SirBailey's avatar

@lark , BTW, his penis “getting smaller” when he has trouble keeping an erection is NOT what you should be focusing on. His penis is getting LIMP and, when that happens (even to a well endowed man) the condom is not going to stay on. For you to not realize that, I wonder how much “experience” you, yourself have.

Focus on his erection. As I said, I think it’s his inexperience causing all this. NOT TO MENTION, if you guys talk about the size of his penis, his self-esteem HAS to be shot (and for no reason, I may add. Where there’s a will, there’s a way).

It wouldn’t hurt for him to see a Urologist, to rule out any clinical reason he might be loosing his erection. I feel for the poor guy and don’t be surprised if, out of embarassment, he eventually wants to break off with you. I would not make an issue out of this WITH HIM.

He’s actually in good company. Many obese men have “small” penises. It may not actually be small, but their stomachs essentially make the “intercourse function” of it no different than a normal size man with a small penis. And they do have happy sex lives.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Great Caesar’s ghost, 1st do not worry about online orders, most of those places ship discreetly in an unmarked package, even your bank statement won’t show $75.0 Big Bat Boys House of Naughty Things, but some other company name.

If he is that small get out the lube and try it backdoor, no babies from him buggering you, and if he goes slow, lots of slippery stuff and not being big…...BINGO! You might have a winner.

CMaz's avatar

Use duct tape.

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