General Question

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

Is it love or comfortability?

Asked by ItalianPrincess1217 (11973points) July 15th, 2009

I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for almost 4 yrs now. We have lived together for 3. Things are comfortable. I can tell him anything. He’s AWLAYS been there for me. I can completely rely on him and trust him. The problem is, I just don’t have that “madly in love” feeling. I never have with him. Not even when we first started dating. Should I hold out for that special someone to sweep me off my feet? Do I settle for what I have just because it’s easy and comfortable?

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19 Answers

peyton_farquhar's avatar

This is a question only you can answer, but if you feel that your relationship lacks passion it may be better to end the relationship but preserve your friendship, which seems to be more valuable and meaningful to you than the romance.

chelseababyy's avatar

I think you already answered your main question.

And to your other questions,
1. Do what you think you should to.
2. Never settle just because it’s easy and comfortable.

When was life ever about just settling?

janbb's avatar

I guess I have a different take on it, having spent 35 years in a comfortable marriage. It sounds like you have a pretty good thing going, be really sure before you chuck it. On the other hand, there’s certainly something to be said for being “madly in love”, just remember that feeling rarely lasts forever.

syz's avatar

I’m sure I’ll get a lot of disagreement, but my opinion is that the “sweep you off your feet” love is actually infatuation. And there’s no way that a relationship can maintain that level of excitement.

I guess it’s a matter of deciding what “love” means to you, and then acting on that.

Judi's avatar

That “madly in love” feeling is pretty fleeting. It is more a biological reaction than anything else. Most successful marriages settle into a loving, caring trusting relationship like it sounds like you have. People in marriages that started out in passion filled lust, but end up in passion filled anger can only wish for a relationship like yours.

jamielynn2328's avatar

I think that the mere fact you are questioning it means you may want to reevaluate how you feel. I think after being with someone this long, you should know if you cannot live without them.

marinelife's avatar

Try imagining your life without him. Are you with someone new? Are you doing different things?

Do you love him even if you are not in love with him?

Ask yourself how you got four years in with someone you are only comfortable with.

Then make the decision that is right for you. If you can’t give your partner the best of you, maybe he would prefer something else too.

Judi's avatar

In the end, you really do have to decide which you would regret more, staying or leaving.

basp's avatar

I don’t see ‘madly in love’ as excluding ‘comfortable’. There are relationships where being comfortable is the foundation of love.

cwilbur's avatar

There are two phases in a relationship. The first is romantic love, where you’re discovering new things about each other; and the second is companionate love, where you’ve pretty much stopped discovering new things but are staying together anyway.. A lot of relationships founder when they try to make the transition, and a lot of people resist the transition in the first place because they love the drama and high emotion of romantic love.

So if your definition of “love” includes the sort of butterflies you get when you see a new person, you probably won’t find it here. But if your definition of love involves two people working together for mutual happiness, this may be precisely what you want.

YARNLADY's avatar

Since you used the word “settle” I’m going to go with let the poor man go so he can find real love. It’s very selfish to keep someone just because you have a comfortable life with him.

Your idea of “madly in love” is something that comes out of a fantasy world, and is not a major part of true love in the real world.

It reminds me of my sister, who divorced her “comfortable” husband because she decided to go to Hollywood and marry a movie star and live a life of glamor and fame.

She ended up broke and homeless, and finally moved in with a man who plucked chickens for a living and beat her up every once in awhile.

BBSDTfamily's avatar

It depends what is important to you in the relationship. Can you see yourself being happy with this guy 20 years from now? Remember, you can be “madly in love” with the wrong guy, and that feeling usually doesn’t even stay as strong throughout the relationship. You definitely have the option of looking for both qualities in one person. It’s just up to you.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

move on
you have only one life to live

basp's avatar

I’d been married to the same man for thirty years and we are still discovering new things about each other. However, I do get your point.

Jeruba's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217, how old are you? I would view your question differently depending on whether you’re, say, 21 or 45 or 60.

wundayatta's avatar

Madly in love is overrated. Companionate love is much more important over the long term. Mad love is a short term high, and while it is a lot of fun, it doesn’t necessarily end in a long term relationship. In any case, there isn’t just one person in life for you. You might find several mad loves, where you fall in love, and break up, and then find another one, and break up, etc, etc.

If you really want to experience mad love, then sure, break up your relationship. There’s no guarantee you’ll ever find mad love, though. You might not be the kind of person who can do that. You might not ever find a long term relationship, either, and you may end up settling for someone who is not nearly as compatible as your current partner.

While there are no guarantees that your current relationship will stick, I would stay with it. If you do ever break up, you might blame it on having never been “in love” but that’s just an excuse for failing to keep working on the relationship, and maintaining good communication. What you have is very precious, and mad love is probably not worth the cost of giving up this relationship.

Good luck, whatever you do.

YARNLADY's avatar

I just thought of another possibility – How about doing somthing to develop that spark with your current partner? You can actually create mad passionate love. Here some tips I found at
Make a conscientious decision that your marriage will be more than average. Before anything can change in your marriage, your mindset has to change. You have to decide from the onset that you want a good, solid romantic relationship with your spouse. The hardest part is just deciding and then doing it.

Communicate to Him How You Really Feel. Once you have decided that you want a great relationship, tell your husband how you really feel. Experts far and in-between have all agreed that communication is one of the biggest problems facing many marriages

Compliment Him. Talk to him about how you feel about him.

Introduce “Lagniappe” into your marriage. What is Lagniappe? Lagniappe is a French word that I heard often used in New Orleans that means “a little something extra”. I guarantee that if you introduce Lagniappe into your marriage you will be ahead of the crowd.

Invest in some sexy lingerie. Yeah, there she goes saying the “L” word Lingerie. Ladies I am telling you that there are very few men who do not like women in Lingerie.

And last, but certainly not least, learn the difference between sex and love making. Create an atmosphere of comfort or excitement depending on personal preferences. Use your creativity, style and imagination to facilitate an exotic platform for your sexual and sensual illustration. The idea is to create satisfaction of body, mind and spirit, a totally fulfilled being.

The ball is in your court.

Hambayuti's avatar

I used to have the same questions myself. Although probably coming from a different situation because I was kind of “arranged” to marry him. Well, probably ”demanded” would be a better word. Haha. But at the end of the day, I guess it’s just really asking yourself if you love him or not. YES or NO. There’s really nothing in between. If you feel that you’re staying just because it’s easy and comfortable, then you may be staying for the wrong reasons and you’re being unfair to him and to yourself.

If you do love him, then I suggest you follow @YARNLADY‘s advices. =)

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