General Question

Achilles's avatar

Should I stay or should I go?

Asked by Achilles (225points) July 19th, 2009

Hey, new to Fluther so I thought I’d give things a shot here. I’ve run out of Ideas what to do and none of my friends seem to have the right answer. And very obviously I don’t either.

I have been dating my g/f for about a year and half. We have been living together pretty much ever since we’ve been dating. Things were great at first but now it seems we’re fighting almost every day. I can’t do anything right and she’s always mad about everything.
Before I go on, understand I love her to death. She does have her good qualities but right now the bad are out weighing the good so that’s why I’m venting/asking for help. I’m not allowed to talk to girls and some guys for that matter. She gets mad if I go out without her. I’m 21 she’s not…even though she has a fake she can’t always get in bars with me. She’s really jealous and feels that every girl is a threat to our relationship. Basically there are some huge trust issues here. She says, “I trust you, I just don’t trust everybody else.” To me…that’s BS. There is alot more to this story but I’ll stop here for now. All in all…what should I do?

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71 Answers

DrasticDreamer's avatar

If there’s a lot more to the story, you should probably include the details in your question if you want the best answers. Like… Why does she have trust issues? Have you cheated? Has she cheated?

Ivan's avatar

Show her this thread.

sakura's avatar

It sounds like you have started to chat about this already, I would try and sit down with you GF and ask her what her fears are about. Why doesn’t she trust others, has she been hurt before?
If you really love her then it is worth trying to solve your problems, jealousy is a hard feeling to combat, but she must understand where you are coming from. If you have cheated on her then she will be feeling inscecure no matter how much you tell her you love her etc..
Good Luck and I hope you sort things out xx

Achilles's avatar

She cheated on her ex with me. I have never cheated, I have been nothing but faithful and reassuring from day one. Even after being together for so long I still do all the “little things” that most guys stop doing and most girls complain that we stop doing. I just don’t get why she is this way. I feel as though I try so hard and for what? Why be faithful if I get accused of being a cheater all the time?

La_chica_gomela's avatar

@Ivan: Yeah, that’s a really sensitive thing to do. I’ve heard of break-ups through post-it notes, emails, facebook messages, tweets, and texts. I’ve never heard of anyone breaking up with someone by fluther question. Ugh.

Ivan's avatar


You’re right. Talking about her behind her back is definitely the more respectful thing to do.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

@Ivan: He needs to sort out his problems. Why shouldn’t he talk about it?

Ivan's avatar

Perhaps they should talk to each other about it, not to random strangers on the internet.

Achilles's avatar

The problem is guys, we’ve had this discussion before…multiple times. I’m just so tired of fighting about the same thing. I’m tired of putting so much time and investment into what seems to be a sinking ship

Ivan's avatar

Say that to her.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

@Ivan: He’s obviously looking for a little guidance. Being that his girlfriend is obviously inloved in this situation, she might be just a teensy weensy bit biased on this particular subject. “Say that to her”—-What? He JUST said that he already did say it to her “multiple times”.

Ivan's avatar

“I’m just so tired of fighting about the same thing. I’m tired of putting so much time and investment into what seems to be a sinking ship”

He should say that to her.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

@Achilles: Obviously none of us can tell you what to do. It’s something you’re going to have to decide for yourself in the end, but hopefully we can help you figure out what’s best for you.

It does sound like a very limiting relationship, if you’re not allowed to spend time with other people who are not her. I know it can be really hard to get out of a relationship you’ve been in a long time, especially when you do still love the person, but it sounds like that might be best in this situation, given what you told us.

sakura's avatar

It sounds like you are going through a rough patch. Explain to her how much she means to you and that your not sure why she feels so insecure, is there anything you can say or do? If she can;t answer you then how does she expect you to understand a problem she can’t explain?

I would tell her you are getting fed up of going round in circles and of having the same argument, maybe a small break from each other my do you good, or a small break away together??

It is soo frustrating especially if you love her so much but sometimes you have to let the love one free if they come back you know it was meant to be, if not then you know the time for you both wasn;t right xx

Achilles's avatar

It just makes it even more difficult because we live together…I think a break would do us some good…but how is that possible when you live together? And on top of that then as soon as we “get back together” she’ll be all over me asking who I was with and what I did on our break…it just seems like it’s more trouble than it’s worth.

OpryLeigh's avatar

The one thing you didn’t mention is whether you love her. If you love her then I believe that you should try and work through this, she may have trust issues due to something in her past.

I only say this because I have serious trust issues with the human race in general. Nearly everyone that I hold dear has experienced the back lash of this at some time or another. Some people walked away because they couldn’t handle it, which (although I don’t blame them for doing so because I can be a handful) made the issue worse and caused me to have seperation anxiety as well. However, I am starting to realise that the people who have stuck around through thick and thin genuinly love me and they are the only people I need in my life.

Anyway, enough of my problems, the way I see it if you love this girl and believe that she is a good person despite her trust issues then it may be worth sticking around and helping her with these issues. Of course everyone is entitled to their breaking point but don’t be too hasty, she might need you.

sakura's avatar

How about some time away from your usual surroundings together, a cheap holiday? Sometime a change of scenary does wonders for the soul? x

ubersiren's avatar

Maybe it would be best if you moved into separate living quarters. It wouldn’t mean breaking up, but just giving each other some space.

ShanEnri's avatar

Wow, she sounds very demanding/controlling. I would advise you go. It sounds like you’re not happy, so…Have you tried talking to her? Maybe she’s having the same misgivings and it’s purely a lack of communication. Talk first see what gives, if you’ve already done that, then go and be happy elsewhere!

OpryLeigh's avatar

Soyy, I obviously missed a whole sentance because I didn’t read the bit that said “I love her to death” DUMBASS.

If you love her to death, hang on in there for a while.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

removed because by the time it showed up, it was old news

RachelZ's avatar

Why would you go drinking without the person you care about?? If you really love some one I feel you would do anything to prevent HURT…OR WONDERING! People are so so different and a lot of communication and compromise is needed. Also forgiveness.
Goodluck… If you love her to death show it, and wait for her to turn 21 or just throw a party at your place… IDK

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

You’re both very young. It is entirely possible you two weren’t meant to be together.
Don’t confuse “wanting to love her” with “loving her”. She might not be ready for a long term relationship.

If you two are unhappy together, you can try to talk and work things out.
If that’s not going to work, one of you needs to move out otherwise you’re lives will become very difficult.

Achilles's avatar

@Leanne1986 haha it’s all good. I just feel like I’ve been doing damage control for a long time and i just wonder when enough is enough….

sakura's avatar

@The_Compassionate_Heretic is right be carefulnot to confuse wanting to love with the real thing have go at making it work using suggestions given above, sometimes its better to set someone free before they realise what they don’t have anymore xx

AstroChuck's avatar

Darling you got to let me know
If you say that you are mine
I’ll be here ’til the end of time.

sakura's avatar

@Astrochuck But if you wanna let me know…should I stay or should I go now

marinelife's avatar

@Achilles You are probably not going to like to hear this, but here goes:

Your girlfriend is not very mature.

You two rushed into things moving in together.

I think you need to proceed differently in talking to her to get a different response. Try something like this, “I have never given you a reason not to trust to me. You, on the other hand, know that you cheated in the past. It is not me you don’t trust, it is yourself.”

You cannot be her everything. She needs friends? You need friends. She needs time without you, and you need time without her.

It is unlikely that a relationship at your two ages is the one and can last, but if you want to try, you have to both work at it.

It would help if she was willing to see a counselor about her insecurity and trust issues. The two of you could also see a relationship counselor.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Marina has it; the young lady is projecting. Think about that and make your decision accordingly.

Next time, you know not to move in with your paramour so quickly! You two didn’t have time to really see if you were suited. S’OK, I did the same at 20, and we broke up within the year. Good luck.

Facade's avatar

Break it off. Get separate residences. Find someone else. It’ll be ok

whatthefluther's avatar

She is transferring the ease with which she cheated, onto you, believing you will cheat with equal ease. It looks like it is her issue and short of her seeing a counselor, there is probably little hope of your relationship working. See ya….I’m off to put on The Clash….wtf (my initials)
PS: Welcome to fluther.

filmfann's avatar

Tell her she doesn’t need a fake ID. You want to be where ever she is.
If you do.

whatthefluther's avatar

Let me add (now, with The Clash playing in the backround), that it is very possible, if not likely, that your words and actions may reflect your thoughts (even subconsciously) of “she cheated once, she capable of cheating again,” and she may be picking this up, as well as your thoughts of “since she keeps accusing me of cheating, why not cheat?” You should probably see a counselor together to work through all these issues, if you truly love her and want to make this thing work, See ya…

whatthefluther's avatar

Furthermore (and I don’t want to put thoughts in your mind, but should consider everything), if she does not have the means to live elsewhere on her own, with you opening the doors to your home to her, could you have been her easy out from a bad relationship, and perhaps she does not truly love you? Just another consideration. As others have said above, you guys are very young, and may have jumped into something too quickly. Also, as @aprilsimnel suggested, don’t open the doors to your home so quickly, next time (that is, if this one doesn’t work). See ya…

wildpotato's avatar

@whatthefluther Dare I disagree with you while listening to Joe Strummer and the Mescaleros? Nah, I wouldn’t anyway – good advice!

My best friend’s boyfriend was under 21, and got insanely jealous when my friend would come out drinking with us. We tried to set up things to go outside of bars where we could all drink and have a good time, but this guy remained unsatisfied. So we concluded that it was more a cry for attention then an expression of actual jealousy.

Mrs_Hill91's avatar

trust is the number one thing in a relationship. you should sit down and let her know how you feel. it sounds like she’s not confident in her self if she thinks another girl would come in between you guys.

whatthefluther's avatar

@wildpotato…The Mescaleros are great….its wonderful seeing a talent such as Strummer continue on with success (until he passed, he was one of the top five voices of punk)! See ya….wtf

DrBill's avatar

Several points,

If you have to ask, it’s time to go.

If your tired of fighting. it’s time to go.

If she really trusted you, she would not worry about others because she would trust you not to act on their advances.

With the amount of jealousy she is showing, she is not yet mature enought for a long term commitment.

Cut your losses now, before it cost you even more.

Kayak8's avatar

Go . . .

Judi's avatar

She is insecure because she is afraid you will run into someone (like it sounds like you were) who doesn’t care that you have a girlfriend.
I never understood how a relationship that started as a result of cheating could ever have full trust. I’d be insecure if I were her too.
Someone who gets into someone else’s relationship, or someone who starts another relationship without first getting out of the last one , I would think, would have trouble ever fully believing that what they did wouldn’t happen to them.
It’s like waiting for Karma to hit.

Achilles's avatar

@Judi I hate to admit it, but you’re kinda right it seems…

@DrBill Thank you, thats really good for me to think about

RachelZ's avatar

SAD no wonder divorce rate is so HIGH look at most of your advice… is to just GO! However, if you cannot fully forgive her cheating then it is pointless for you to stay with her. Then you should have left her right when it happend… okay easier said than done… It seems like maybe you were not fully satisfying her… if she had to look for attention else where.. Thats what happens… if you do not make your lives 1. If you are leaving her to go to bars… I would be mad if I was her to… jealous hurt whatever.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

@RachelZ: She didn’t cheat on him. She cheated with him.

skfinkel's avatar

It sounds like the question of cheating is always out there in this relationship. Because that is how she got to you originally is not a good sign of her faithfulness quality—and if she is worried about you cheating, it’s because she knows that she did cheated on her own boyfriend.

Also troublesome was your statement, ‘why not cheat if you’re going to be accused of it anyway?’ If you are struggling to stay faithful to her now, and you are staying faithful but it is not easy—I would say that since you are so young, maybe you need some more time in the big wild world before you renounce all others for each other.

Jack79's avatar

@Achilles I haven’t read all the other answers, so forgive me if I’m repeating someone else.

First of all, this reminds me of “it takes one to know one”. It is very common for someone who has cheated to assume everyone else might. In fact, it is proven that thieves are the ones who double-lock their doors (it doesn’t mean that whoever locks their door is a thief, but thieves are certainly more careful because they know). And similarly, it is exactly because she cheated on her ex that she expects you to do the same to her (and perhaps feels that “what goes around comes around”). I had a gf exactly like that when I was your age. She even caused a scene when my cousin brought me flowers for my birthday. My cousin!

And for all her jealousy, she was of course the one who eventually cheated on me. Twice. I only forgave her once.

Secondly, I don’t think there is a solution to your problem. I don’t even think you expect one. Seems to me that you’re mainly looking for someone to listen and understand, because she obviously doesn’t. Yes, reasonable people (on fluther and elsewhere) will understand you. Jealousy (at least her brand of it) is not reasonable. But there’s also not much you can do about it. She seems to be very immature in this respect. I never even check on my girlfriends. If the one I’m with wants to be with someone else, that’s her choice. If she wants to cheat on me, then she should be ashamed of herself. Why should I worry about it? Let her be the one worrying and feeling guilty. Cheating is the cheater’s problem. And that’s the way she should see it, but she won’t. Not yet anyway.

Sorry but I don’t see this lasting very long. But I bet the sex is great, so enjoy it while it lasts :)

Supacase's avatar

I agree with what @Marina @DrBill and the others who have responded similarly.

I would also like to add that it will be even harder to get out of the relationship later. Should you end up marrying her, I daresay you will eventually end up divorced or miserable for a very long time. Sadly, relationships with this much trouble in such a short amount of time and with these issues rarely get better for more than a “honeymoon” phase after a breakup or big fight.

Of course, these are just my opinions based on experience. I could be completely wrong about the two of you. Good luck. I hope you work it out one way or another.

YARNLADY's avatar

There’s a good reason that “society” looks down on underage relationships, and I think you are a perfect living example. Immaturity makes a viable relationship impossible.

RachelZ's avatar

oops sorry! Well I really hope that you guys find happiness :) Maybe you need to take a mini weekend vacation dedicated to spicing things up and reconnecting that initial SPARK you both obviously had!

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Judi my husband and I got together when we were both married to other people…and the fact that we cheated never entered our trust issues

Achilles's avatar

@Jack79 To be perfectly honest… I don’t know if you could have put that more word for word what the perfect answer is… there really isn’t a good answer, I don’t know that there is anything that someone could say to make everything better. To give me the “right words” to say to her. It’s her problem, I don’t check on her because I trust her. I expect the same from her but it’s just not the reality… only time will tell I guess. Thank you all of you, you have really put alot into perspective for me.

ABoyNamedBoobs03's avatar

“Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
An if I stay it will be double”

YARNLADY's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I am very surprised. I have always thought once a cheater always a cheater. Good on you.

Judi's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir ; I didn’t say it wasn’t possible, just that I never understood it. You said, “It never entered our trust issues.” Does that mean that there ARE trust issues?

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Judi yes, but it has to do with a part of a past he didn’t reveal about himself that was too traumatic at the time to tell me and it was recently revealed so I felt that he broke my trust but I also understand he never told that about that to anyone and could barely tell me…so, yes, I believe that has nothing to do with how we got together

MerMaidBlu's avatar

Ok, first of all…you say you love her but are you IN LOVE with her? They can be very different things and only one of those determines how you should make your decision

If you guys have trust issues you definitely need to work on that. Also, if she’s the one that cheated I don’t think she has any grounds to tell you who you can spend your time with. The whole “i trust you, just not everyone else”...if she means what she says then trusting you should be enough…no matter who the other person is. As far as the fighting…pick your battles and make sure she knows that there are some things that you won’t fight about.

Are there any other details about this that we would need to know about to better help you?

MerMaidBlu's avatar

If you are wanting to try a break from each other, sometimes just hanging out with friends is all the break I need from my boyfriend…he doesn’t try to get every detail of information out of me either.

Achilles's avatar

I don’t know what else to say, everyone has been really helpful and actually things have improved.. in the past few days anyways… She’s just very stubborn on the whole I trust you, not other people thing and I don’t know how to break her of that. Because she doesn’t understand that means she still doesn’t trust me. Any suggestions as to how to tell a woman she’s wrong? lol

MerMaidBlu's avatar

I’m a woman and I don’t mind being told I’m wrong, however, almost every woman I know can’t see it as a constructive complaint. Maybe try to avoid the word “you”...? May seem less combative or confrontational

Jack79's avatar

Yeah, rather than saying “you are wrong when you say that the Earth is flat” you could try “you would be right if you said the Earth is round.” But she’ll still stick to her opinion probably, so it doesn’t really matter what you say or how you say it.

If you plan to stay with her, just ignore her. And don’t fall in her trap of jealousy. Lead by example, she’ll probably think you don’t care enough for her if you let her go out on her own, or might suspect you have something up your sleeve, but if you really have nothing to fear, let her check a few times. She’ll be paranoid and hysterical for a while and then calm down and be reasonable.

Of course I’d personally stay clear (having been in such a relationship for 3 whole years), but I don’t know the girl in question, so she might actually be worth it. There could be plenty of wonderful things about her we don’t know, and maybe once the jealousy subsides you two will have a perfect time together.
…or maybe she’ll stop the jealousy and find something new to attack you with, who knows?

YARNLADY's avatar

My husband has a great way of disagreeing with me. He says “I don’t see it that way, and I’m surprised you do”.

Achilles's avatar

Just an update for all of you. I tried to talk to her and got no where…as expected. So I took the next step because I really do love this girl. We got counseling and things have never been better. We are moving forward and making great progress. Thank you all so much for your help!

sakura's avatar

@Achilles well done for not giving up! You knew what you wanted and made sure that you didn’t pass up on that opportunity of happiness. I hope all works out well for you and your partner, remember love is about give and take, from both sides and it needs to be on an equal footing otherwise one or both of you will be unhappy.
“It takes both sun and rain to makes lifes rainbows” sakura

Jack79's avatar

@Achilles happy for you my friend :)

OpryLeigh's avatar

@Achilles I’m so pleased! Even some of the most challenging people are worth fighting for :)

HeartofHearts's avatar

It sounds like to me that you are heading down the wrong road at great speed. I would end things before it causes more hurt. Obviously she isn’t filling your needs and it bothers you that you cannot go play and she is holding you back. End it, You will both be happier.

beautifulsoul22's avatar

Well… since his part of the story is completely one sided… Let me share shall I? We met 6 years ago and have been friends since. I know him. He knows me. So we live together. The fact that we are soooo young doesn’t play into our choices of living. It was “we love each other so let’s live together.”
At the time when we first started seeing each other, I was in a long term, yet abusive relationship. Yes, I cheated. I am NOT proud of it. “Achilles” border line begged me to cheat on my last boyfriend with him… His reason was because he knew how bad the relationship was and how bad my ex treated me. But still… it took TWO to tango. So everyone saying “once a cheater always a cheater” you need to realize that everyone is different with a different life and story.
As for the “jealousy”, he HAS given me reasons to be “jealous”. Talking to girls inappropriately via phone, text, web, even sometimes when I was around. He is getting better at this, but still needs… work… There were a couple instances where his “lesbian” friend wanted to show him pictures of her and her gf doing sexual things and he had a weak point(as he called it) Also, he had virtually talked to one of his past… partners… about past intimacies and details on how they were going to rendezvous one day while he was at work. WOULD YOU TRUST SOMEONE WHO DID THAT RIGHT AWAY?? Again, EVERYONE has different occurrences in their lives and there are almost ALWAYS two sides to ever story.
Sorry, I do not agree with any of you who think its okay to let your significant other go out to whatever bar and drink with whoever is out there. People are sooo different nowadays. You cannot trust anyone out in the world today it seems. I wish so badly it was different, but it is not. I have had to cock block multiple girls even when i AM out with him. He is an overly friendly guy who only sees the clouded fake “good” in people and does not possess the ability to see who is just being friendly, and who is just looking for a competition. I do NOT think it is okay for your significant other to go out without you and get drunk with all of his SINGLE friends and DRIVE home. So yes, I have an issue with him going out without me. Sorry. I know that I’m not the only one out there!

Yes, there have been many hardships in our relationship that you people on this… Fluther don’t even know about, but I am a strong woman and strive for an amazing life with this guy. There was a point where we were so unbelievably happy and he almost proposed to me. I fear now, that day will never come, but I have to have faith. I dream of being with him. I do not even think of looking at other guys let alone talk to any of them. He is the world to me, and he is enough for me.
I love his family, our life together, and the path chosen for us by destiny. That “counciling” he mentioned was actually us sitting at our dining room table talking to his friend… He did put a lot of things into perspective for BOTH of us, but I still have to have enormous amounts of hope we will stand together strong through all our tough days and situations. EVERY healthy couple has issues and fights. It is nature’s way. Just like it is for pretty much all men to have wandering eyes, it is natural for two people to have conflicting opinions and situations. SO to conclude this book of a post I put up on this thing, I love him. I have loved him for 6 years. I will love him till the day I die. I am not the psycho he portrays to you people for attention on the internet. I have my reasons why there were trust issues. And please consider BOTH sides before you jump to say “oh break it off blablabla”

aprilsimnel's avatar

So then why are you two together? I got a headache just from reading all that ish.

People in a committed relationship shouldn’t have to be gold shield detectives/probation officers/parents/wild animal tamers. If I had to watch my boyfriend carefully all the time to steer him away from giving in to his weak points, I’d be pretty fed up, no matter how much I loved him. How exhausted are you? Is this worth it?

You don’t have to “cock block” anybody. If he chooses to “go there” with some chick who has her thong in his face, then it’s his choice. If you two are grown enough to move in together, then he’s grown enough to show you some respect when it comes to other women without you having to insist upon it or monitor him or tell him what he can and can’t do on a night out. He has to make the choice to behave in a trustworthy manner. Stop cracking the whip and see what happens.

”[You are] not the psycho he portrays to you people for attention on the internet.” I believe you; read that previous sentence again. Then have a sit down with yourself and ask, “Self, what is it that you really want from a relationship. Is it this?”

My answer stands.

YARNLADY's avatar

To my way of thinking, people who love each other do not deliberately cause their loved one pain. However, there are as many different types of relationships as there are people. The two of you are the only two who can choose to work it out or not.

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