General Question

LocoLuke's avatar

How do I interpret these mixed messages?

Asked by LocoLuke (1126points) July 23rd, 2009 from iPhone

First, some backstory: I’m currently at a summer ‘pre-college’ session, with about 2 more weeks before I return to my home on the opposite side of the US. About a week ago, I met a wonderful girl, and we’ve been hanging out pretty much every day, as often as our schedules allow. We’re both staying in the same dorm, which means that we see each other quite often (hung out with her 3 times just today).
Anyways, I really like her, and she’s been relatively intimate with me (handholding, frequent hugging, generally physical actions that point towards her liking me a lot as well).
The thing is, she’s also in a relationship right now, and it’s her first one to boot. She seems to be deeply in love with her boyfriend. While she has only seen him three times in three months since she began her relationship with him, she obviously adores him.
The way that she’s been acting towards me confuses me in this context, she’s a bit more physical in the way that she expresses herself than most people, but I’m her closest friend by far right now. If it wasn’t for the fact that she talks about her boyfriend from time to time, I would say that we act like most committed couples do, minus kissing. What do you think is going on? Is she simply seeing me as a unusually close friend? Or does she want something more? what should I do?

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39 Answers

answerjill's avatar

Maybe you should ask her these same questions? (I don’t mean for my answer to sound snarky!)

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

If she’s in a relationship, you gotta back off. It doesn’t matter if she’s initiating this behavior but hand holding, frequent hugging, and general physical contact is not appropriate with someone who is already in a relationship. At the very least, you’re headed for a showdown with her boyfriend.

LocoLuke's avatar

I’m asking because I want a bit of input before I ask her in person. Honestly, I don’t know what I want from her either, and both possibilities scare me a little.

nikipedia's avatar

I hate to do this, but to quote Sex and the City:

“There are no mixed messages.”

She digs you. She digs her boyfriend more. Let this one go.

Darwin's avatar

In addition, with just two more weeks to go before you leave, there isn’t any time for anything other than a brief fling or a one-night stand. Since neither of those are very rewarding and because of the existence of the boyfriend, I suggest you let her be. She will go back to her regular life and her boyfriend, and you will go back to your regular life, and you may never see her again.

It is entirely possible that she is enjoying flirting with you while expecting the fact that you know she has a boyfriend to keep you from pushing further than she wants to go.

LocoLuke's avatar

Thanks for the help so far.
I’ll take your advice inti consideration

PandoraBoxx's avatar

So let me get this straight:
1. You’re both in high school.
2. You’re at a summer pre-college program that is not near where either of you live.
3. You live at opposite ends of the country from each other.
4. She is deeply “in love” with a guy she met three months ago, but has only seen three times since she met him.

She is attracted to you. But more likely, she has a case of raging hormones and if you sleep with her, it’s better than even money she will end up pregnant.

BTW, she’s not really dating the guy. She just thinks so. When you’re in high school, “dating” someone involves seeing them on a regular basis. Seeing him three times in three months? What’s he been up to the rest of the time? Unless you live near her, dating her is out of the question for you, too, unless you end up at the same college. This is a summer romance.

LocoLuke's avatar

3 is false, it wouldn’t not be take a very large effort on either of our parts to see each other if we, hypothetically, ended up having a relatonship

Jeruba's avatar

Being away from home for the first time is scary and thrilling. It’s thrilling to have so much freedom and be able to come and go without notifying your parents, hold hands with anyone you like, and not have to account for everything you do. It’s scary, too, and one thing we like to do when we’re scared is snuggle up to somebody.

I suggest you let this one go as a pleasant summer interlude that contains a very small but valuable lesson, and not expect any more of it than that.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

Yeah, I’d let it go. She has a boyfriend. Imagine yourself in his position. What would you do if you found out your girlfriend was holding hands with and hugging someone else? It’s not cool.

LocoLuke's avatar

Thanks jeruba, that’s probably a good idea.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Why has she only seen her boyfriend 3 times in 3–½ months?

LocoLuke's avatar

@PandoraBoxx he lives in north Cali, like me, and she lives in LA

kevbo's avatar

I’m going to disagree with most opinions here, assuming you feel comfortable going in a different direction.

I think if you feel a connection with someone, exploring that connection is more the natural order of things, especially at your age and in the years to come. I dated at least two girls during that time in my life that had serious boyfriends back home and we did mostly fine, and I’m glad I had those relationships.

The real key to not getting hurt is to just appreciate it for what it is and let it go when it’s done. In fact, learning to do that very thing will serve you well as time goes on and you have relationships that fail. It teaches you to invest less of your self worth in the success of any one relationship and more in being appreciative and accepting of yourself for who you are and realizing that eventually you’ll find someone who likes you as much as you do just for being who you are.

So, enjoy being close to her, but temper your heart more than usual. Doesn’t mean you don’t care about her—just that you care about yourself just as much.

LocoLuke's avatar

Thank you kevbo!

Darwin's avatar

Don’t get pregnant!

LocoLuke's avatar

Well, they ARE giving out free condems downstairs if it ever comes to that (which I highly doubt anyways)

Tink's avatar

uhm it’s condoms…isn’t it?

LocoLuke's avatar

Yup. I can’t spell for beans, and iPhone doesn’t help…

Darwin's avatar

Some people condemn giving free condoms to kids, though.

Tink's avatar

Oh I forgot to answer the Q…
Well, I would just forget it, if you are only gonna see her for a few more days why do something you might regret

jrpowell's avatar

It seems like a lot of trouble. I would just walk away and find one or a million women you can have a proper relationship with.

LocoLuke's avatar

@Darwin we’re mostly ages 17&18, hooking up is gonna happen here regardless of whether they do or not. The least they could do is make it safer

TitsMcGhee's avatar

This happened to me and people I know so many times when I was at a similar program. The situation lends itself to flirtation like that, but there really isn’t much time for the two of you to be together before you go home, probably not worth ruining whatever she has going at home. If you really like her, keep in touch with her and wait until she’s single. If nothing else, you will have a really, really good friend.

dynamicduo's avatar

The easiest way to find out is to ask her straight up. Of course, this may make your friendship awkward, but such is the price for clarity.

The responsible, proper, gentlemanly thing to do here is to not flirt and keep your relationship as friends, as she is in a relationship with someone who is not you.

That said, I would indeed say she is flirting with you and likes you. Physical contact is really the identifier in my experience. I’m a girl, and I make efforts to touch guys I am romantically interested in (such as a playful shove at a dirty joke, a grabbing of the hand when we need to go somewhere quickly, etc).

Given that you only have two more weeks and you are both young, I would say there is more value for you in keeping the relationship friendly and non-sexual now, leaving the door open to a more intimate relationship down the road in a few years.

tb1570's avatar

Dump that skank. How would you feel if you were her bf? And why even consider getting into a relationship w/ a girl who acts like that and treats her bf the way she does? If you became her bf, how would you feel when she took another vacation without you? Could you ever really trust her knowing how she’s now acting with you even though she has another bf? If the answer is no, then save yourself a lot of potential heartache & pain and just drop it now.

JLeslie's avatar

If she didn’t have a boyfriend you would be dating I’m guessing. She might be unsure about her relationship with him, or she might be surprised that she could click with another guy so well, feel flirtatious again. A woman I know said to me when I was in my early 20’s, “when I got married I thought I would never be attracted to another rman again, I didn’t understand that I would feel chemistry with other people.” I know she is not married, but has she been dating him for a long time?

I think holding hands is very intimate already, but maybe that is because I am from a different generation. I can’t imagine her boyfriend would feel comfortable with that. For now I think leave it just friends (you probably could take advantage of the situation, but I think that is a bad idea for both of you). You live so far away. I’m sure she has your number if they break up.

Tearofdeception's avatar

Bro, it’s easy… You like her… Does she really like you or she’s the type of person that explicitly showing her friendship with people (aka hand holding, hugging, etc)

Once you have a clear view of her agenda, you’ll have a better idea of the opportunity. Talk to her… Tell her how you feel (without scaring her).

The “boyfriend” is not a serious factor in this story… If she saw him less in 4 months than you saw her in a day, it’s definitely not serious… Think about it.

My advice, jump on it man… What do you have to lose?

Good luck!

JLeslie's avatar

@Tearofdeception I’m under the impression the boyfriend is in a different city?

ShanEnri's avatar

Sounds like she is just seeing you as a friend. Some people are a little more touchy-feely than others are. But your best course of action would be to ask her!

LocoLuke's avatar

Boyfriend is about 600 miles north from where she lives

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

You need to come right out and ask her. You’ll drive yourself crazy if you try to fill in the blanks for her. Trust me. And take my advice, you most likely don’t want to deeply invest any emotions into this girl. If she’s got a boyfriend but at the same time going behind his back and being affectionate with you…what’s to say she wouldn’t do the exact same thing to you if you two were offically dating and in a committed relationship? I’ve been in a similar situation and I was the one who ended up hurt because I fell for the lies and empty promises. Just be very careful. If she’s really in love with you, she’ll leave her boyfriend. No excuses. If she hesitates, I suggest you cut her out of your life.

Darwin's avatar

@LocoLuke – Just being 17 and 18 does not require having sex or hooking up There is such a thing as self-control (and self-respect) even at that age.

LocoLuke's avatar

@Darwin I’m not saying that, I’m just saying that people are gonna do it regardless of whether or not condoms are handed out for free. At least they come with a mandatory sex Ed class

Darwin's avatar

@LocoLuke – And I’m saying that self-respect and restraint trump random sex, safe or not.

LocoLuke's avatar

Ok then, I agree with your sentiments.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

I think you won’t really know the answer to this question until you’re back home, and see how the relationship is maintained. If her boyfriend lives 600 miles away, and she’s 17, then really, there’s not much dating going on. I dated a guy that lived 70 miles away when I was in high school. And I dated him again in college. I didn’t go out with other people, but he sure did.

LocoLuke's avatar

Thanks people, I have a fairly good idea of where we stand. I don’t need anymore advice for now.

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