How do I get my husband to shut up?

Welcome to Fluther, and sorry for the problems that you face. Within the limits of the internet, it sounds like he might have a narcissistic personality disorder. Treatment is not trivial, since most people with this disorder don’t seek out medical care (why should they? they’re awesome!). Perhaps you might consider going to joint counseling, and there the counselor might identify what is going on, and be able to confront him with it so that you don’t have to.

Does he have a grandiose view of himself? Does he constantly seek approval? Does he seek attention when the topic turns to someone else? Is he very concerned about physical appearance? Is he devastated by criticism? Does he desire material things that he thinks others will admire him for? Does he think a lot about becoming wealthy?

If this sounds like him, he may have some features of a narcissistic disorder, and though he won’t agree, he is in serious need of serious help.

@pdworkin I see we were both on the same page, composing simultaneously and coming to the same conclusion. Interesting.

My answers, YES, YES, and YES. I swear, I can’t take it much more. But thank you very much for taking the time to write. The things he says about himself are delusional! He thinks he is better than everyone else (and says so). He even says he is superior to all, and, get this, that he will “never die.” I just want to cry.

Do the same things he does, make him realize how annoying he is being. Brag about unnecessary things.

@berry_lips You bring up another issue. The delusional thoughts and pressured speech suggest the possibility of a manic component of bipolar disorder. He might really need some serious help. I suggest the counseling option as soon as you can.

He says stupid things like (one of his favorite quotes): “I will beat my competitors in every way. I will be better looking, smarter, sharper, stronger, better.” I swear he said that! Who the hell says stuff like that…every freaking morning?! And he talks about people behind their backs – our friends! He says horrible things about them and puts them down…even though they are all very succcessful people. The things he says, they are unbelieveable. Oh my god, it just hit me: I’m married to a NUT!

Try to understand that he is suffering. This dynamic generally results from deep feelings of worthlessness. He can’t help his behavior. He is in desperate need of attention, and as @shilolo said, the syndrome is ego syntonic, which means that he can’t allow himself to believe that he is in need of assistance. I also wonder if there is not a manic component to his behavior, from your description. This suggests that he may have a treatable disorder called Bipolar Personality Disorder. He probably has features of both, although I should tell you that these off-the-cuff diagnoses are not worth much. He needs to be seen by a professional, and you could probably use some help and support yourself.

@shilolo Jinx, you owe me a Coke! ;)

He fights the idea that he is bi-polar. He says that bi-polars “do crack, can’t hold a job, lie, cheat, steal…” and he is the opposite. He says if he is bi-polar there is no way he can hold a job; that he would be homeless. I went to see a therapist for us both. My therapist suggested that he might be bi-polar too. But he says he’s not and won’t seriously seek help. I know this sounds awful, but, man, I am so embarrassed by him sometimes. In private, I hurt; but, in public, I am often times humiliated. I dread introducing him to people.

@pdworkin Hey, you’re the one majoring in psychology. I’m just masquerading as a psychiatrist for a few minutes.

@berry_lips There are a lot of very successful bipolar individuals. Writers, musicians, scientists, lawyers, etc. He obviously doesn’t see it that way, because it would be a massive blow to his ego to admit weakness of any kind (like that he has a mental illness).

If he really is Bipolar, you should feel relieved, because that is much more amenable to treatment. NPD is extremely difficult to treat. There is a lot of symptomatic and diagnostic overlap in this area. You need sophisticated advice from an expert, not from people like me on the Web.

Well the big question here is why would you marry a person like that in the first place? There must have been something you liked about him, and his character probably hasn’t changed much since then, so perhaps you didn’t spend enough time with him for it to get on your nerves.

My cousin has a husband like that, but they’ve been happily married for 20 years. Her trick is that she’s learnt to ignore him. And I think there are many more men like this, especially ones with good jobs.

I do not know whether his condition can be characterised as “medical” as others have suggested, but it doesn’t matter. The problem in either case is that he won’t admit it, so whether it is something that can be solved by a doctor or something that he could perhaps fix himself, it will never get any better because, as Shilolo said, he thinks he’s awesome.

The only viable solution I can imagine (unless you can also learn to ignore him like my cousin does) is shock therapy. Tell him you filed for divorce (even if you don’t mean to). Tell him you’ve had enough, and unless he gets his act together by Christmas or something, he’ll be eating cold turkey on his own before the year is over. Once you somehow get him to think about himself (how about taking a video of him talking and making him watch it?) then maybe he’ll realise the problem. Which is the first step to solving it. Getting other people who know him back you up, like his best friend or his sister for example, would help a lot (because of course he’ll just say you’re jealous of him).

PDworkin, you’re right. He has said things that relate to being worthlessness. It’s like he’s way depressed then all of a sudden he becomes a super hero that has all sorts of powers. He even claims to be the “Thomas Jefferson for the 21st century!” This has led me to call him “Thomas” at events where we’re unknown…just to get at him. He constantly changes his mind too. I don’t even take action on things anymore if he prompts them because I know he’ll change his mind sooner than later. It’s odd, but he is successful at work. Sometimes I wonder if he behaves differently at work…I can’t imagine that he does. People I know (mutual friends) have said, “_________, I just don’t know how you put up with him.” I wonder the same about his co-workers.

Narcissism is a deadly affliction, I am guilty of it; its not long before my wife will bring me back to reality.
It may seem impossible, but if he truly loves you he will honor your dislike of his great, and maybe delusional self-worth and esteem-just tell him how you feel.

Duct tape. It works on mine. :)

Jack, the therapist I was seeing advised the same: ignore him. I’m glad you mentioned that because it reminded me to, well, ignore him. My therapist gave me a sheet of instructions on how to ignore him (which goes beyond just blocking him from my mind kind of thing). As for your first question, you’re right, we didn’t date long enough for him to really get on my nerves. I still remember that on our first date he talked over me a lot and it bugged me, but soon all the wonderful, spontaneous dates he came up for us erased all the “wait up – did he just interrupt me again” moments. Sigh. But you’re right on…and I appreciate your opinion.

So, what makes you so attracted to him.

@BBSDTfamily lol :)

@berry_lips perhaps you should try that one too ;)

@Jack79 Unfortunately, they know how to peel it off….. but they have to peel slowly or it hurts worse. So you’ll get a few moments of silence, minimum. ;)

You could always staple the edges… ;)

Believe me, I’m thinking about it! :-)

My mother most likely has NPD and/or bipolar disorder. Her and my father were married for thirty-seven years.

On the surface, they were the perfect couple for many years. Always together; two peas in a pod. Unfortunately, this was a facade. I could never understand how my father could put up with the drama and lies and embarrasment.

Last year, before he died, he explained to me that years ago he decided stop fighting and not only ignore her, but defend her lies and manipulations against anyone else who would question her (including me).

He was so convinced he couldn’t live without her (and she threatened to leave numerous times), he willfully became a pawn in her delusional schemes.

And so he admitted, months before he died, that he made a mistake and should have pushed her to get real help.

Unfortunately by then, she had already alienated his entire family, me and my wife, and many friends.

You see, people like this only need one person to believe their self-delusional bullshit. Everyone else is wrong in their eyes – they (as has been said) are “awesome”. At least on the outside.

My father’s response for three decades was, “Yes dear, you are awesome”.

If this is how you envision your life, then carry on. Otherwise, run for your life.

I’m so sorry for you. It is impossible. Please know that you DO exist no matter how swallowed up you feel.

I HATE to say this, I really HATE to say this. But I’m afraid you will have to leave him cold and dry to save yourself. And I do mean your “self”.

Let him deal with his own arrogance. Loosing you will be the first clue that something is wrong and just might be the catalyst that propels a longer more involved road to recovery for him. You certainly did not sign up for this life of suffering.

Go and be yourself, find yourself, love your “self”. He’ll be fine without you. He might even be better off without you. Sorry…

Leave him before you hate him.

Divorce him. If you can’t even overcome something as trivial as that then you are not meant to be married.

Divorce him.

Record him and play it back, maybe he will agree to go to a therapist/psychiatrist. I agree Bipolar and/or narcissistic. Both are tough, bipolars like being in their manic state and narcissistic people are so absorbed with themselves and how the world revolves around them I think they rarely have any sort of self awareness.

My husband closes himself off to us! He doesn’t listen either so in a way I can sympathize! But I must agree with @JLeslie record him and let him hear himself OR start doing the same thing to him!

Not sure if he will be able to recognize himself in others, maning if you do it, he migt say, “I don’t sound like that, or I don’t do that, what I do is different.” They have no self awareness and they will explain away why it is important that they talk about whatever they feel compelled to talk about.

I hate to say this, too, but someone who thinks he’s perfect will never believe he needs help so will NEVER get it. Even if you divorce, he’s going to blame YOU.

You ARE doing a good thing going to therapy yourself.

I knew someone with the same problem and, yes, people would avoid him at parties. He would even call on the phone to talk about how he was better then you. Many times a day. You could tell this guy the party starts at 3 and he’d come over at noon. You’d be half dressed, etc. He and his wife fought constantly, even at funerals and wakes. Eventually, everyone avoided the TWO of them. Until they died.

This is NOT what you want.

Just tell him that he’ll never be as good as me!

Haha I kid, but I agree with the counseling suggestions. He definitely sounds narcissistic.

Your therapist may have given you some tools to ignore your husband’s outrageous behavior and those things may work but what will also most likely happen simultaneously is that you’ll build a reserve of bitterness for having to “tune him out” rather than him actively taking some steps to curb himself, seek medical or psych therapy or reassure you are exempt from his nasty thoughts about others. Compromise, change and adjusting that’s one sided = numbing and feels like selling out of love. Been there.

If you go to joint counseling, try the Northern Lights. Best joints around.

Sex

I would totally give him a taste of his own medicine if this was me. Talk about how awesome YOU are. Talk about yourself non-stop. More than he does it. In front of his friends and family. Embarrass him. I don’t suggest you do the same, but that’s what my bitter ass would do. I’d also remind him that he must not be that great since he’s annoying the shit out of you and ruining his marriage. Again, that’s what I would do, maybe not a nice person.

Honestly, I’m sorry to hear about your problem. It’s hard to deal with anyone who can’t see past his own nose, let alone your spouse. I hope you can find professional help.

blow jobs

Have you tried a bullet up his ass?

Listen to @hungryhungryhortence

“It’s like he’s way depressed then all of a sudden he becomes a super hero that has all sorts of powers.”

First of all, people should not make diagnoses of other people based on a description of a yet another person over the internet. That said, the above sounds like it is possible that there is a bipolar mood disorder component involved. If that is the case, good news is that it can be treated. Bad news is that he needs to seek the treatment himself (though if your relationship is good, he might agree to consult just because you ask him to). Bipolar persons are usually more willing to seek help in the depression phase; in the mania their ability to understand they need help is usually severly impaired.

Second – whatever the cause of the behaviour that irritates you, you do not “get your husband to shut up”, in any case if you want to salvage your marriage. There is no trick that can do it. You can tell him how it makes you feel when he does things that irritate you, and what you think he should do about it, but it must be his decision what to do about it. Then it is your decision what to do about how he reacts, again, etc. You cannot truly change anyone else but yourself. Trying to “counter-irritate” him might make you feel temporarily better, but I strongly suspect it won’t make him stop.

I feel obligated to begin by saying these are the kinds of things you’d think you’d notice before you married him. But hey, I won’t judge.
I think couple’s therapy is the only way to go, if you’ve already tried telling him yourself.

There is only one person in this world that you are in charge of and that is you. It is not your job to change your husband Note to people getting married Do not marry someone who has habits you cannot stand.

You can change the way you react to him and the way you perceive his comments, but there is no way you can “make” him “shut up”. If you don’t like it, wear ear plugs, ignore it, do not accept it as your problem by being embarassed about it.

Anyone who is embarassed by their own husband is married to the wrong person.

Oh thats RICH!

If you’re this miserable already, think of 10 years down the road! Get out while you’re still young, and before you let his constant ramblings brainwash you into believing him.

I think you’ve gotten a lot of good advice here, and that you are doing the right thing in getting therapy for yourself. Although, if all your therapist has to say is “ignore him,” then you may want a different therapist. Is the therapist helping you understand what you want? Are you getting clearer on what you can live with, and what your bottom line is, where you have to get out? Are you figuring out what you need in order to feel comfortable divorcing him? It’s better to be prepared than to have to think this stuff up at the last second. It doesn’t mean you want to leave him. In fact, it may even help him, if you leave for a while.

I was wondering if he exhibited any of the other symptoms of bipolar disorder. Does he get a million ideas, but never carry out any of them? Does he go on spending sprees and buy things you can’t afford? Does he get very social, on occasion, maybe going out to places where people gather? Is he faithful, or does he think about or ask/demand sex all the time? Is he really into drugs or alcohol? Any hallucinations or paranoia? Impulsiveness? Flying off the handle at the slightest thing, or even nothing? There are others I’m forgetting, but you could check those out by looking them up online.

I have been trying to help a couple of people, recently, who are closely related to folks with bipolar disorder, but who refuse to get treated. In one case, I suggested that they urge him to check himself into the hospital. I wasn’t really expecting it to work, but I guess they got real clear on it, and he did check himself in.

And out. It was maybe three days or a week later, and as soon as he got out, he went on another manic spree (drinking, socializing, and who knows about sex). Hospitalizations can give folks a time to give up responsibilities and try to work on themselves. Of course, they don’t always work.

I tell people to support their loved ones in doing what’s healthy. Like getting therapy, or staying on their meds, or hospitalizing themselves. I think that if he is bipolar, he needs love more than anything, and your support has to be built on love. If you leave him, or punish him, it will only confirm his feelings of worthlessness.

On the other hand, there is only so much you can take. I suggest you think about that, and figure out exactly how much you can take, and when you have to get away from it. You need to take care of yourself, first. Don’t subsume yourself to him.

If it’s Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I think that some of my advice about taking care of yourself is still good. I have no idea what you can do about him, though. Perhaps just keep on urging him to get diagnosed. Your concern may get through to him. I don’t know if you have children, but if you do, you can point out the impact his behavior is having on them. Otherwise, you can point out how he is affecting you and your friends or other family. Urge him to get treated so he can stop hurting people. It may take a while, and it may never work, and, like I say, take care of yourself.

Duct tape. You can use it once, and then pull it out as a visual reminder when he’s doing it again. ;)

Plant a good one on him, “berry lips”.

I got nothing.

Agrees with @avvooooooo:

Silence is golden, Duct Tape is silver.

Serioulsy, I like @shilolo‘s suggestion regarding NPD, been there.

I have been married for 19 years. Husbands’ get worse. I believe their personality is blamed on how they were brought up..Wife is just one chapter in their book. we can not change the previous chapters they are already written. You can not shut them up, but you can save your self and get away form these characters. When you get involve with evil you will turn into one.

wow! I believe that! sag1991! Hurt people, hurt people. When you are around someone miserable it rubbs off and hopefeully you catch it happenening before you become it. I should know My husband is suffers from NPD he doesn’t know it but he has all the personality traits
He talks about how great he is and all of the people that he knows that are doing well for them selves are only in that position because of him. and that he is a hero and he worked so hard to get to this position and blah blah blah…. As if I am nothing. When he is not talking about him self he is miserable quite he looks mad in a shell. A real Cancer. I started to become bitter and miserable myself. Lost even! As if I didn’t have my own accomplishments. He over rides my feeling and acheivments. But I discovered that with Therapy and your Own plan, his stupid full of himself behavior will slowly start to demenish.