Any tips on dealing with an anxious child?

I saw some interesting books about anxiety that are aimed at kids at my local bookstore. I don’t remember any of the titles, but you can so some exploring in libraries, bookstores, or online. I was anxious as a child and when I saw these books, I wished that they had existed back when I needed them. Good luck!

Having chronic anxiety, I wish I did know. Medication has helped me, but I think 11 would be too young for that.

I was an anxious child much as you describe. The big thing for me was having something over which I had control (to the exclusion of all others). It isn’t always practical, but having something that was mine to control, really helped. It can be a place where my stuff is not bothered, or a time period wherein I controlled the activities for myself without interruption. Divorce can throw things into a state where no one appears to have control and that can really ratchet up the panicky feelings.

Doing artwork helped me (if I wasn’t interrupted and no one else could touch my art stuff). Picking what I could have for lunch (and how the sandwich was cut—diagonal) really helped me too.

Feel free to send me a message if you want more info . . .

Exercise with him. Go out together on a run every day or every other day. Just you and him.

There are three benefits to this: you get exercise (we all need it), he runs off his stress (this is big), and you use the time to talk with him about whatever.

I think some of the anxiety comes from a feeling of helplessness and from not knowing how to handle life situations.

On the run, the question I would ask my boys was “So, what are you thinking about?”

After that the discussion was aimed at helping him think through, plan for, and have contingencies for whatever was on his mind. I tried not to give solutions, but discussed ways of approaching the problem.

Run off some of that stress.

Do you encourage him to talk about his fears and worries? Sometimes “awfulizing,” or imagining the worst possible situation, and then coming up with strategies for dealing with that can be helpful.

My son is like this too. I find that routine helps us out a lot. If he knows what is going on, then that lessens his anxiety. I try to be there with him as much as possible while we are both home. If he sees that I am taking care of his sister, then he is not as likely to stress and worry about her.

He also started Journaling, and although he is only 8, I think it helps him to write it down and have a place where he can always go and look at how he used to feel, especially on days that his anxiety is low. I think it’s a good self evaluation tool.

Good luck to you. I am sure that everything will calm down as he begins to get used to the new living arrangements.

@Kayak8 What insightful advice. Lurve to you!

scotch.

I had one of those and didn’t realize what she needed until we discussed it when SHE became a mom. Her answer is, a predictable routine. Structure. (tough for a free spirit like me. )
Chamomile tea helps too.

Things like that are typically triggered by something: the environment or an event. Are you an anxious person? How do you deal w/stress? As his most direct role model, does he see you relaxed? How often? Would you say that other influential people in his life are low key and calm?

The other thing to consider is: when this behaivor started. Was there an event that may have triggered this behavior? Did you and your ex ever argue in front of him? Did he suffer any trauma that my have jumpstarted an anxious nature.

If it comes down to an event, talk about the event with him or more importantly . . . listen to what he has to say about it. Don’t treat him like a kid. Be open, honest, and reassuring. Don’t be afraid to get him counseling if he needs it.

If he’s surrounded by people who are keyed up, always jittery, running late, worrying about things, full of stress, get those people out of his life. If it’s you, calm down. Become the stress-free mom your son needs. His emotional health and happiness depend on it.

It’s important to get to the root of the behavior. Everything else is window dressing. Start at the cause and diffuse from there.

Other things you could try: create a calm, reassuring atmosphere at home. Teach him to meditate, play soothing music, turn down the lights, turn off the tv, cell, internet, video games. Eliminate all caffeinated beverages. Reduce sugar in his diet. Enroll him in a martial art. Talk with your son about what frightens him. Be there for him . . . every single time.

Good luck!

Just noticed your screen name is SuperMouse. Hmmm . . . telling . . .

@give seek, this kid has literally been tense since he popped out. He was an incredibly high needs baby, I vividly remember telling the doctor I was worried that he wouldn’t learn to crawl or walk because he never let me put him down! He has always been a tense guy. My other two sons are much more easy going. I’m wondering, in what way is my screen name telling?

@Kayak8 thank you for a great response.

@ABoyNamedBoobs03 actually he prefers tequila, but we are trying to cut him back.

@all, thanks for the input, I will work much harder on structure. As @Judi said, that is tough for a free spirit like me!

At his age you can still set very tight boundaries. If he feels out of control, not having to control certain things can be very comforting; limit choices and make sure he knows if A happens, then B happens; no ambiguity. But you have to distinguish between what you can and should control, as opposed to what you have to let him learn to handle and things you simply shouldn’t control.

Also let him see that It’s okay to do things wrong, mess up, etc. as long as the mistake is corrected. Things like spills, breaking things, etc. are every day occurrences and are good opportunities to point out that the world does not end because something happens.

Okay . . . born into his nature. I’m thinking Tai Chi along with Karate.

I saw the “Mouse” part of your screen name and latched on to a stereotype. Jittery, squeamish, mousy . . .

I was an anxious child and now I am a less anxious but still anxious adult. Exercise and omega 3s have changed my life! There are some omega 3s specially formulated for mood. They are perfectly safe for all children but you can do your own research. Many doctors don’t know about this. Here is a website with info about a book by a French doctor: http://instincttoheal.org/

Good luck!

In addition to my earlier comment, I’d like to add that you may want to screen him for OCD or other anxiety disorders. ocfoundation.org and other sites can giveyou some background on how symptoms might manifest themselves in children. I am not at all implying that he has OCD, but as a sufferer who did not get diagnosed until adulthood, I would like to spare other children that pain.

@SuperMouse Tequila? maybe that explains it ;)

I was such a child, and have such a child. I did not get the help I needed until well into adulthood, but she started treatment at 7 or 8 years old. Counseling and medication have been huge successes in both of our lives. That’s not to say we don’t still struggle with anxiety… we definitely do! But it is not the debilitating problem it once was.

Like your son, my daughter was extremely opposed to counseling, but in our case not going was just not an option (she had developed a choking phobia, and stopped eating altogether) so we just worked through that. Once that problem was solved, others popped up and off to therapy we went again (against her wishes this time, too). In each case, after a few sessions she came to enjoy it. The right therapist is paramount in these situations… it took us several tries, but was so worth the effort and the drama! The main thing to keep in mind about therapy is that it is like school for feelings. It teaches us how to handle the things that that are interfering with our lives. I’d use that analogy to help convince him that it’s a good idea. Good luck, and feel free to PM me with additional questions.

Don’t do what my parents did, as it didn’t work.

Lurve for “school for feelings,” @augustlan. Excellent analogy.

@evelyns_pet_zebra What did they do?

And I think you turned out fine!

If it’s serious go see a doctor. Otherwise there’s one strategy that works for all children: use ‘positive action phrases’ instead of ‘negative avoidance phrases’, e.g. on a junglegym

“Great! Hold on tight with both hands…” instead of “My God, be careful not to trip…”

@augustlan ridiculed my sensitivity, failed to understand my views, thought phsychological help was for crazy people, and treated me different than my other more outgoing siblings by focusing on the negative rather than accentuating the positive, like @mattbrowne brought up ^ there.

spend ten minutes alone in my mind, you’ll change that opinion. Remember, I am one of those ‘fucked up’ people we discussed a few months back. But thanks for the compliment, it means a lot to me.

I heartily second @mattbrowne‘s advice. When my son was little I wanted him to be competent rather than fearful and so I helped him learn to do things like climb trees. But I also wanted him to be prudent rather than foolhardy—safe and capable, not a daredevil.

I watched him showing a friend how to climb the tree in our backyard, and I heard him saying things like “Be careful, watch out, you might fall” and realized to my dismay that he was echoing me. I changed my tactic right then and there and started saying things like “Here’s a strong branch, hold on, make sure your feet are solid,” etc., just as mattbrowne says. I raised a son who believes he can do pretty much anything he wants as long as he thinks ahead and makes realistic plans.

@ABoyNamedBoobs03 Scotch is my choice…
I was going to suggest Quaaludes…

My husband worried about being on time, and kind of a perfectionist, especially in his youth. His mother tells a story of taking him to the doctor because he was so distressed, the doctor talked to him alone and my husband confessed that he was VERY worried he was going to be late to football practice and his parents did not take him early enough. So, she took him a little earlier and he got better. As an adult he is not an anxious person because he has control over these things, as a kid you are at the mercy of everyone else in a lot of ways, and children tend to not tell us what they are really thinking. My nephew also was an anxious child, and a little shy, but in his late teens is much more relaxed, I think again it has to do with him being able to control more of his environment.