What ordinary household object of yours would you use as a weapon if you had to?
No guns, knives, crossbows, or trained attack dogs.
I mean stuff that’s lying around the house. Ex: If I had to, I’d grab my mortar and pestle and try to thump my attacker over the head with it. Then muddle his brains. Or if it was a zombie attack, I’d build a sling shot with my bra and launch balls of fire made of small hard objects (such as a votive candle or computer speakers) wrapped in a t-shirt, and soaked in lighter fluid.
What awesome stuff do you have lying around?
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61 Answers
Scissors, my heavy iron frying pan I can barely life (nods to Eating Raoul), my dog’s teeth.
I have a hockey stick. should do the trick. but since that isn’t exciting enough
I will COAT the end of this hockey stick with LAYERS of cloth, douse it in oil, SOMEHOW protect the hockey stick from catching fire, and play FIRE HOCKEY with ZOMBIES. yeah.
I have a whiteboard shield, cordless hardware grenades, a guitar hero sword and staple gun.
I have three rabid children. They are small, but they have very hard heads and sharp teeth.
This big cleaver I have in the kitchen
Hooray for Asian parents!
Also: ACTION SAUSAGE NUNCHUCKS!!! DELI STYLE!!!
And I have a baseball bat, a golf club, my TV, box cutters, my cat (I’m KIDDING she’s too small to do anything), headphones to strangle someone, CD/Vinyl collection as ninja stars, heavy books, my huge bass guitar, and of course stinky tofu
I have a couple of practice katanas made of wood that are as good for bashing as any baseball bat or stick. I also have a realistic-looking airsoft gun than can scare someone away, or if need be, pelt an attacker with painful plastic pellets. I’m pretty sure an airsoft pellet to the eye could blind someone, too.
Are ornate letter openers barred from this thought experiment?
And I have some needles
INFECTED WITH AIDSS
And Umbrellas, speakers, guitar amps, cat litter, lamps, a watergun/flamethrower, detergent, expired milk, lockers, old clothes, and mothballs
I would bore them to death.
If that goes a bit to quick i would throw my socks.
A golf club. I keep a 5 iron by the door.
I keep a bat right next to my bed, and, like JP, a metal golf club at the door.
Left-over habit from when I was living in The Bronx.
i DO have a cheap sword lying around in a corner.
When I was 5, I clocked a burglar in the head with a 6” cast iron skillet. He was trying to wriggle himself through the bathroom window. I had gotten up for a wee in the middle of the night and saw him, but he didn’t see me. Somehow I had enough time to grab the skillet. The other one we had was a 10” and too heavy for me.
When I got my first place, I bought two cast iron skillets, which I still have. I could also impale an attacker by separating my mic stand and impaling them. It’s just not a good idea to come near me with a mind for mischief!
Got a heavy Japanese teapot (several pounds of iron with a handle on). I use it to break coconuts, so I guess I could break that jerk’s head too. You know, that bold guy down the street. Yes, the one at the bag shop. Oh you meant hypothetically? Yes, the teapot.
I have a toy bat about the size of a police baton and a six D cell flashlight.
The classic “murder in the library” wrought-iron poker, my father’s golf umbrella (or if desperate, my attack cat.
I have some bricks laying around in the house
I don’t know why (shrugs)
Right now it would be my drop forged Japannese steal kitchen knives which I have just spent the entire evening sharpening with on a whetstone. and then promptly cut my self with
Defense – I’d break off the top of my George Foreman grill, add some bungie cord to make the perfect shield
Offense – I have a few boxes of candy canes circa Christmas ‘02, lick the ends to make some nice pointy eye gougers
Psychological warfare – Tie a boombox around my neck, pop in my g/f’s 1998 single of Vengaboys – “We like to party”, put on some earmuffs and hit repeat.
I’d use my grandma’s axe that is down in the basement…When I was a lil’ kid she would bring it down with her everytime we had a tornado warning…It scared the hell out of me 40+ years ago and was very effective so I would assume it work for me (of course she also had the evil mom look thing going for her too)....
Baseball bat.
Pots and pans.
Fireplace poker.
My bare hands. Don’t mess with me!!!
I’m actually a huge chicken. I’d probably hide under my bed.
cast iron skillet. you could knock someone dead with that so easily, if you could pick it up.
also, the sword i have sitting around my room would be a good weapon, i GUESS, but maybe that isn’t considered “ordinary”. hmph!
@Ansible1 those are the best weapons ever in this thread
I’m not kidding, I wouldn’t even want to get in your way
I’d cover his upper body with my megaphone from high school and beat him with that ugly, yet heavy, lamp in my room. I’d also make use of the three pairs of scissors I have on hand.
@Allie :: It isn’t hiding under your bed when you can stand up under your bed.
@johnpowell HUSH!! ...I knew you’d say something about my bed.
Probably stab them with some scissors and a sharp nail file, hit them with my boom box, and spray some perfume/febreeze in their eyes to blind them. Then, while they were subdued, I’d run into the garage, get some golf clubs; and then run into the kitchen to get some Old Bay. Then I’d pour old bay in their eyes and knock them unconscious. :)
Fireplace poker, fireplace broom, etc. That stuff is wrought iron and quite heavy and there are two sets of those in our house. If I couldn’t get to that stuff, I’d use the rolling pin (very heavy wood) or a wine bottle. Lots of those around and they’re good weapons.
come on dominic, who would attack you with a face like that? ;)
Oh, hey, Windex! That’d clean their clock! I’ve also got Elmer’s Multi-Purpose Spray Adhesive. And duct tape. And a bass guitar. And a pair of 4” stiletto boots, so I can look fabulous as I stomp some baddie’s instep/Achilles heel! Boy, I’m just surrounded by a 21st century version of Clue in this flat!
There are swords and daggers hanging on my walls. I dont need no stickin ordinary household object! :P
I’d use my computer screen, drum sticks (got loads of those), shoes, baseball bat, blow dryer, hardcover books, or slap them silly.
I almost found out the hard way that the pole lamp beside my chair makes a wonderful spear. The cat knock it over when I was trying to pick him up (read chasing him all over the place) and it almost speared me.
I’ve got a nasty litter pan that I can throw at any intruder!
I would start with my fists of fury, but if that didn’t work I would shoot them with the gun in our—-
Oh, @ubersiren, I was a tiny one filled with rage and no acceptable outlets. Sally Draper on Mad Men had nothing on me. I almost feel sorry for the burglar!
@aprilsimnel : I’m actually in the middle of season 2 of that show. I can’t wait to see what you’re talking about ;)
On a more serious note, this house is full of actual weapons. Since those are excluded, I’m going to have to go with the big cast iron skillet.
Oh, I totally forgot about my attack rabbit. I haven’t trimmed his nails in a while. I’d just throw him at the attacker and let him go all Monty Python on the dude.
I wonder if they only work when you count wrong?
I’d use our sword or that thing one of the cats throws up once in a while
The baseball bat I keep next to my bed.
The giant rusty scythe in my room.
I could bash them over the head with the jar of mercury I have in my closet.
Or beat them up with my mediocre martial arts skills.
@teh_kvlt_liberal ACTION SAUSAGE was my nickname in high school!
I’d use a spray can of lysol and matches to create an ad hoc flame thrower. does that really work? i dunno.
@eponymoushipster yeah but the flame burst would only go about 1.5/2 feet. also you would probably want to use a grill lighter instead of matches If you want to really unleash hell, pour some washer fluid in a super soaker and duct tape a lighter to the end.
Well we’ve got plenty of pots and pans.
Otherwise, I wonder if my halogen light would do the trick. Those things get really hot, right?
@Ansible1 going to Target now. thanks for the shopping list.~
@eponymoushipster no prob, you can use the other half of my george foreman too, but I only have one pair of earmuffs…
@Ansible1 noted. when the zombies attack, i’ll PM you.
@Marina. GA for the Eating Raoul reference. Good to know I’m not the only one around here who lurves that movie.
:)
supersoaker flamethrower and sharpened candy canes – it’s the perfect storm
I bought this for a reason.
To serve the best thing-grown-from-the-ground at high speeds?
I have two guitars and a chair (they work so well in wrestling matches). I suppose if I had time, I could turn my alarm clock into a mace, by putting nails in all the speaker holes.
wine bottle, its heavy and has a handle =]
From looking around…. maybe the glass part of my lava lamp, or a high heel? I guess those could do some damage.
A 3 “D” cell cop flashlight. It’s all metal and comes with a light on one end.
Nothing. I am dizzy when standing… I’m not so good in a fight. All I have is wit and charm.
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