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Bri_L's avatar

My wife asked me for a divorce 6 days ago, excluding legal suggestions, what should I do?

Asked by Bri_L (12176points) August 25th, 2009

While I admit we were having troubles, this was a total surprise to me as we had not even gone to couples counseling and I had been told that wasn’t an option. She finally went to see a priest and a counselor for the first time in 13 years and it was only to confirm that she shouldn’t have to go to couples counseling.

I agreed to the divorce. I gained clarity with the knowledge that she never has been a partner in any sense of the word.

So, now, what should I do. We are friends, better than we have been in a long time. Things are going well.

I know I am going to go and buy a 6lb can of my favorite nacho cheese at Costco the minute I get my apartment.

What else should I do? Lets make this a reintroduce Bri_L to his life suggestion list.

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130 Answers

cyn's avatar

[edit]have some fun! make a rave or something. ride your bicycle inside your apartment.

PerryDolia's avatar

Take at least two weeks of vacation in a tropical location

When you get back, call everybody you know and tell them about your new life..

Tink's avatar

Don’t forget the chips to go with your nacho cheese.

marinelife's avatar

Dearest Bri_L,

First let me say that I am so very sorry that this has been going on and has now come to what will be a difficult time.

My advice based on personal experience is to take everything very slowly. This is not time to be rushing into anything especially new relationships.

It helps that your wife and you have gotten some peace with each other. It will be very good for the kids if you can be reasonably cordial co-parents.

Grieving the relationship (or even just the idea of the relationship) takes months and months.

If you can swing it, counseling just for you might be helpful as you feel your way along in this new time.

Please take care.

Considering the past, you must almost be feeling some relief. I believe this can lead to a whole new life for you in time.


hungryhungryhortence's avatar

You and your soon to be ex-wife throw a “Divorce party”. It’s awkward for friends and family to figure out how to relate to you as separate people and a lot of times people just retreat and you feel like you’re left hanging out there alone when they really do love you. Throw the joint party, invite as many people as possible and let the event re bond you with particular people.
my ex and I did this since we had mutual friends, a big loving family and a directive to preserve as much that had been positive in our lives as possible.

chyna's avatar

So sorry that you’ve had to go through this. Make sure you surround yourself with your family and friends because you will need them. Take things slow with dating, but do date when you meet people you are interested in. And don’t forget the chips to go with that 6lbs. of nacho cheese.

sjmc1989's avatar

Are you vegan? I know this sounds random but I just wanted to ask before I wrote anything. It will relate to your question I promise! And I am very sorry you are having to go through this but, your taking it like a champ :)

cyn's avatar

@hungryhungryhortence that’s really cute. I’ll do that if I get a divorce and my ex is still a really nice friend.

janbb's avatar

Ah Bri_L.. I’m sure you will feel many feelings and have many highs and lows on your road to your new life. Allow yourself to feel them all and take good care of yourself while you are going through this process. One large can of nacho cheese? Fine. Two? Maybe not such a good idea. Spend time with good friends and people you can trust. Enjoy the process of discovering your own individual self again. And you’re on the right track – do some things your marriage din’t allow you to do.

Buttonstc's avatar

For your own sake and with the aid of a therapist with whom you feel comfortable do a relationship “autopsy” to figure out where things went off track, what killed it and what part did you contribute to that process. The reason for doing this with a therapist instead of just by yourself is that an objective third party can give you valuable feedback and ask thought provoking questions.

This way you increase your chances at long term success in any future relationship. It would be such a shame to go through all of this pain for no purpose and fail to use it as a l
valuable learning opportunity.

It’s good for any children you may have that you and your wife are doing this as amicably as possible but there will still be a significant amount of pain.

When you feel up to tackling it go find a competent therapist and allow yourself to be open to as much learning as can be gleaned so all of the pain is not for naught. You really don’t want to trod the same path with the next relationship you find.

janbb's avatar

I just reread your profile and saw how important your kids are to you. The most important thing you and your wife can do is reassure your kids realistically about what to expect (don’t tell them that nothing’s going to change.) Then be with them and for them as much as you can and never allow them to become pawns in a fight between you and your wife.

SuperMouse's avatar

Having been through this in the recent past, let me take a minute to second @Marina‘s suggestion of taking things slowly. Not just avoiding rushing into new relationships, but taking your time to extricate yourself from this one. I also second the idea of grieving the relationship. Even if it wasn’t perfect (mine was far from perfect and I know ending it was the right thing to do), it was still 13 years of your life and you have something that will tie you together forever (the children), so take the time to mourn the loss.

After 21 years of a so-so to just plain bad relationship, the ex and I had an experience similar to yours, we established a friendship like we had never had before. It was like with all the pressures of staying married lifted we were able to get along better. However, don’t be surprised if this doesn’t last. I have come to realize that before we can truly come together as friends we have to completely come apart as lovers.

On a more practical level, go out and pick up a pint of Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream, let it melt until it is just the right consistency and enjoy every last bite. Then buy one of those sexy car calendars, you can hang this one in your bedroom and it won’t be relegated to the garage! You might also want to pick up one of these and one of these babies for your bachelor pad!

In all seriousness, know that your fellow jellies are here for you all the way. Many of us have been through similar situations and are available to listen.

ubersiren's avatar

Have a party. Rely on friends and family to keep you from feeling lonely, but enjoy your alone time, too. Eat that nacho cheese until you puke. When you’re ready, go sleep with some young hottie. Use a condom. Sleep in and eat giant bowls of Lucky Charms for breakfast. Go to the gym and work out. Take a class at your local community college. Do something new that has always interested you. Get another part-time job where you can get paid for goofing off (Target, Best Buy) knowing that you don’t really “need” it. Volunteer.

@SuperMouse : I love that table and chairs you linked!

nikipedia's avatar

Oh, buddy, I am so sorry to hear this, but it is great to see you going in with such a positive attitude. What do you think you should do? What have you always wanted to learn, experience, visit?

Bri_L's avatar

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all the great advice I am getting.

I am going to go to a counselor to deal with the fact that in the 13 years we were married I was the only one who went to counseling to work on it and themselves. She actually said “why should I go when I am not doing anything wrong.” I have resentment and anger that I will have to deal with. But now is not the time. I think that is what is making this easier. When I found out that the one and only and first time she went to counseling was to validate her opinion that I was wrong and she shouldn’t have to go to couples counseling. I knew I didn’t want to work on it with someone like that. And I knew that I had wasted a lot of my life. Except for the two gifts from god that are my children. That realization is what makes it easy to be friends.

As far as dating, I don’t think rushing into anything will be a problem. I am a chubby, fixed 40 year old divorce with a hairline that is retreating like it knows I am french. Hehe.

As for the nacho cheese. It is something I have to long denied myself.

I am going to take a basic cooking class so the kids will quit asking if I “know how to cook that”.

I am going to continue walking every day. Lost 15 lbs so far. and ad wieghts so when she sees me she blushes. And so the kids quit telling me I look like Po the Kung Fu Panda.

And I am going to try to get a life. See, I let mine get swallowed up by her and her family.

wildpotato's avatar

@Bri_L Keep up the exercise and you’ll look more like Julien than Po in no time :)

SuperMouse's avatar

@Bri_L YES! Keep working out!! Since my divorce was finalized in June, I have taken up Spinning and weight training. I have lost ten pounds, gained muscle and feel great. Not to mention the fact that I really enjoy letting him see the new body!

chyna's avatar

Looking great is the best revenge.

jamielynn2328's avatar

It definitely wasn’t a waste because of those two great kids, but just make sure that you never feel like you’ve wasted any more days. Live each day remembering that. Although many changes lie ahead for you, it is great that you are already so positive about. Some tears are probably in your future, but just remember what a great time this is to refocus on you. Learn what it feels like again to do things that make you happy. I wish you all the best, and with a good attitude, you will help the kids get through any hardship they will experience.

janbb's avatar

@Bri_L Exercising and losing weight really help you feel good about yourself. That’s terrific.

My sister-in-law was left by her husband 4 years ago and hadn’t anticipated it. Since then, she has bought a computer, traveled, reconnected with old friends and moved house – many things that he had prevented her from doing. I’m glad you’re focused on the ways your life can improve as a result of this. And I’m glad you realize that you couldn’t be with someone who doesn’t realize that they contribute to the problems.

Learn to cook dishes that your kids really love so that they want to come visit you. My son would even come home from college sometimes when I said I was baking brownies!

filmfann's avatar

I love movies, but there are several kinds of movies my wife objects to, so I rarely watch them.
Have a weekend showing of stuff you love.

tedibear's avatar

@Bri_L, you’ve received so much good advice, I have nothing more to add! Fluther knows how to help, don’t they? Add me to the list of people who are more than happy to let you bend their ears.

tiffyandthewall's avatar

i don’t have much of an intriguing life, so i’m afraid i’m not very helpful, but i’m sorry you’re dealing with this. ): you seem to be pretty optimistic though, so i don’t think you’ll have too much trouble making a new (awesome) life for yourself. (:

edit: good luck with learning how to cook! i am the worst cook ever.

casheroo's avatar

I’m so sorry. I hope you two can remain civil and friendly, because I know you two love your children so much. Good luck, and if you ever need to know where fluther is :)

Judi's avatar

In a few weeks you will start to remember the things you love that you sacraficed for the marriage. Get involved in those things again. And never refuse a ((hug))

eponymoushipster's avatar

three words: bikini. car. wash.

set one up.

tinyfaery's avatar

Oh Bri, I am so ambivalent. I know (from my limited knowledge of you) that this is good for you, but at the same time endings can be difficult. You seem to have a good attitude. The only thing I can add is don’t ignore your feelings whatever they may be.
You need to process. Don’t hide from the difficulties.

Good luck and take care!

Kazz's avatar

Cancel the credit cards!

filmfann's avatar

@Kazz welcome to fluther. Lurve

Judi's avatar

Also send a letter to all the credit card companies that you will no longer be responsible for her debts and put a notice in the local newspaper that you are no linger responsible for her debts. Great answer @Kazz!

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

@Judi: most divorce courts will determine who is responsible for debts incurred in both party names and how to go about canceling and notifying. Lots of people are in for a shock when they realize they’ll be paying health insurances, car payments, therapy session bills and alimony for the person they’re separating from in addition to child support, the kids’ health insurances, the kids’ therapy sessions. Damn I wish all people would get prenups.

augustlan's avatar

Bri, I’m sorry it has come to this but I believe (from my limited knowledge of your situation) that it will be for the best. You’ve already received some very thoughtful advice, so I’m going in a different direction. Get laid. ;-)

cookieman's avatar

Very sorry to hear this. More for the kids than anything – but I’ve always felt you were a great dad. I’m sure you’ll always put them first.

I will say that my brother-in-law is better friends now with his ex-wife than when they were married. They even go out (platonically) on occasion. So, ya never know.

Keep your chin up my friend.

cyn's avatar

@Bri_L oooh million hugs from me to you. :) I’m glad you’re moving on and I love the fact that you are eager to do the best for your children. (:

cyndyh's avatar

I’m glad you said you’re going to keep walking. This is a good thing not just for the exercise and weight loss but also for the mental clarity you can get from getting away from distractions. It will help more than you may realize.

So, having said that, I have this to offer.

-When you get in your new place go to the bathroom with the door opened.
-Have bacon and eggs for dinner.
-If you don’t already have one, buy a guitar and start learning to play. (I would say a drum kit, but you said “apartment” and that might not be the best way to make friends with your new neighbors. :^> )
-When you decorate (or don’t) the new place go for functional stuff you like with no stupid pillows all over the place and frilly curtains.
-Fart in every room.
-Watch kung fu movies until 3 am if you want to.
-Get yourself one of those “newcomer’s guide” books for your town even you’ve lived there for a long time. It’ll tell you about all sorts of events you might be interested in attending and make you aware of a lot of things available in your community you might not have known about before.
-As far as books go, I’d also suggest The Joy of Cooking. It’s a great start to learning how to cook almost anything on your own. Then treat yourself to a BBQ in a local park.
-Are the kids old enough to help pick out things for the room they’ll have at dad’s place? It can be a really good thing for them to feel like they have some say over their space at your apartment.
-Make sure you have a way to play music in your new apartment and that you have some upbeat stuff to listen to while fixing up the place like you like it.

I’ll see if I can think of some more. Take care, dude. You’ll get through the rough part and feel a lot better on the other side of it.

Jeruba's avatar

Dear @Bri_L,

You already know you have my sympathy and warm support. Over there on the progress thread, we have been watching this moment overtake you. I have been thinking of you so much during the past week, hoping you were holding together and worrying that you were taking this so hard.

What a happy surprise to learn that you have already seen another side! Those realizations must have been waiting just beneath the surface, waiting for you to let go and stop fighting for something you couldn’t save. Now you have a new freedom, bought with pain but also with your own strength and your goodness of heart. You can begin to discover wonderful things.

Shed your fear. Try something new every week, even if it is only something small, a different flavor of cereal, a different radio station. Expand your horizons. Volunteer for something. Do something kind for a stranger. Buy a how-to book for a skill or project you’ve always wanted to try. When you shop for your first clothes for your new figure, choose at least one bright color. Join a club or society for some interest you’ve allowed to languish: goldfish fanciers, stained glass making, yodeling, Frisbee.

Forget revenge of any kind. It is a waste of energy and darkens your heart. Now’s the time to open up and breathe.

Best wishes, my friend. We’ll be here if you need us.


hungryhungryhortence's avatar

I have to 2nd @cyndyh with the suggestion for the guitar, sort of: get Rock Band complete with a smoke machine and have your kids/friends jam out with you.

* Go and buy the giant sized ‘bath sheets’ towels for yourself and some good smelling soaps in brick sized chunks (Trader Joe’s has some nice ones)

* Treat yourself once a month to a massage at a Massage Envy chain or local school of massage.

* If you’ve never had a pedicure, try it once a month for awhile, lots of men do and it’s a fact that when your feet feel good, the rest of you feels better.

* Did you once like live music concerts? Start going again. Same for car shows, cruising used books stores or collecting vintage t-shirts. Take something back you’ve all but forgotten about or dismissed as frivolous.

* When you want to cry, let yourself. When you’re angry, let yourself.

eponymoushipster's avatar

i like the massage parlor idea…

Saturated_Brain's avatar

I am so sorry that this had to happen this way… Your STBX sounds like a very self-absorbed selfish person who knows nothing about how relationships are supposed to work out. “She isn’t doing anything wrong?” Puh-lease….

Who’re the kids going to be with?

Go camping with them or something. Give them some good dad to children time.

dalepetrie's avatar

As Bender would say, “throw a party with booze…..and hookers…..awww, forget the booze, in fact, forget the party too.”

cyndyh's avatar

“As long as there’s sex and drugs, I can do without the rock ‘n’ roll.” -Mick Shrimpton of Spinal Tap

wildpotato's avatar

@dalepetrie Great idea!

Further in the spirit of Bender, you could have nachos in the bathroom. And then go dancing, smoke a cigar, drink beer, and eat a hot dog all at the same time.

Pol_is_aware's avatar

Find someone else to marry, quickly, before you get used to freedom again.

Aethelwine's avatar

@Bri_L @augustlan said exactly what I wanted to say. Now you can get laid!

You are such a kind person. There must be someone out there that would love to get their hands on you! I think it’s time for naked Homer. No?

augustlan's avatar

If I were single, I’d totally help a brother out. Just sayin’.

jlm11f's avatar

I honestly cannot suggest anything that others haven’t said already. All I can say is, I am sorry that you and your kids have to go through this. You know what things are most important to you in life better than anyone else. Take care of them and yourself. Continuing physical exercise (walking) sounds like a fantastic idea, and I am glad you chose to do so.

You are a good dad, and don’t ever doubt that. Don’t isolate yourself. Keep socializing with friends and make it a point to just keep going out, whether it is for dinner, drinks or movies.

Last but not the least, if you ever want to rant/talk, you know we are always here to listen :)

Jack79's avatar

I don’t know, this doesn’t sound good at all. If you really have managed to stay friends, then that’s great. But your kids are still small. Make sure you get a place real close, and work out with your wife how you bring them up. Not just the practical side, like when to see them, but what values you want to instill in them as parents. If you’re friends, you can make a pact never to say a bad word about each other to the children, and always explain that “mummy and daddy just weren’t compatible, but they will always love you” and so on. Even though my ex is a horrible and violent criminal, I never said a bad word to my daughter about her. It will only be held against you anyway.

What else? The kids. I cannot stress this enough. Take care of them, be there for them, do everything you can to spend as much time as possible with them and be a part of their lives. Eventually you and your wife will find new partners, hopefully ones who will love the children you bore together. And you’ll be happy with these new people, or alone. But concentrate on the kids, every single moment of every single day.

And enjoy that nacho cheese :)

irocktheworld's avatar

@Bri_L That’s great!!! Keep on walking or exercising!! Maybe you can take a nice walk wih your kids so you might have a little more fun. But other than that you should take your time and just have fun!!! Go to the park or go swimming,I know how much your kids are important to you so spend more time with them after the divorce.Good luck! :)

Bri_L's avatar

You guys have all put such a smile on my face I can’t thank you enough!!!

@eponymoushipsterBikini Car Wash it is Now I just need to find myself a bikini.

@augustlan – Your a sweetie hehe. And your right. I really, really need to get laid. My ratio is probably 3 times a year for the 13 years we were married. 3 selfish times to be quite honest.

And for those who didn’t feel like they could contribute much, @tiffyandthewall , @tedibear39 etc, just the fact that you took time to write means everything. I have no support group that can be reached except with a long drive or by phone. So you all rule.

I get to call first joke in the divorce though. After the shock wore off I said “well Mrs. “Whole foods all wheat vegetarian not in front of the tv” there is one thing I know, I may not be able to cook, but I promise they are going to LOVE eating at my house much more than yours.” I told her I was kidding and we laughed. She is actually going to help me with some cooking things so I can make sure I keep them to our agreement of what and how they should be eating. I am going to get her set up with the computer so she can keep a google calendar with me with the kids schedules. Also they will have email and a web cam.

janbb's avatar

Good going, Bri L.! You can learn to make whole wheat pizza, whole wheat mac & cheese, whole wheat ice cream….

elijah's avatar

I have nothing to add besides (((hugs))) and the offer to be a decoy date in case you want to “accidentally” run into her.
Just sayin….

janbb's avatar

hey, Bri L, that gives me an idea. All the women of Fluther can show up at your door on a rotating schedule and really blow your ex-wife’s mind!

Jack79's avatar

…and some of the men, too ;) lol

dynamicduo's avatar

Hey buddy. It’s tough to hear for sure but I’m happy you are taking it in good strides and that things seem to be progressing in a friendly way. There’s been tons of good suggestions here so I doubt I could contribute anything new or spectacular beyond my good wishes. Indeed, this is a chance to redirect your life and take it back in your control. I am glad to hear of your plans to take advantage of this. Keep up the good spirits :)

LuckyGuy's avatar

1) Don’t do anything rash.
2) Let your friends and coworkers know you are entering a new phase in your life.
3) Change your passwords and back up your files – now
4) Exercise. Walking is fine but try to run too.
5) Don’t eat all the 6 pounds of dip in one sitting! Spread it out over a long time. See how long you can go. It takes a lot of exercise to work off a pound of nacho dip.

It’s tough but you can do it. 50% of all marriages go through this. You are not unique – although it feels that way.
Good luck.

Bri_L's avatar

@janbb – I was excited about the suggestion until the last three words


Thanks again everyone.

I hate apartment hunting. That will suck.

Oh and I think your right @johnsblond it is time for a little naked homer

Tink's avatar

Yahooooo naked Homer!! :D

eponymoushipster's avatar

@Bri_L i say make it bikini optional

wundayatta's avatar

I’m sorry this is happening, and wish you the best recovery. As I’m sure you know, and as others have said, making sure the kids continue to feel your love and care, and that any acrimony between you and your ex does not get taken out on them is very important. You didn’t mention anything about custody, but I hope you can continue to have them in your life as much as possible. If it were me, I’d want them in my life at least half time, if not more.

The other thing that occurs to me, and I apologize if I missed when someone else said it, is that I would be wary of depression. I don’t know much about divorce, but I’ve experienced break-ups before, and they generally threw me into a depression. I think that all the standard things we’ve mentioned time and time again here will help you, hopefully to prevent it as much as possible. They include (but are not limited to):

* exercise
* good eating and sleeping patterns (do not stay up until 3 in the morning eating bacon and eggs and watching B movies, and if you have to indulge in a binge of nacho cheese, do it once, and then do it in moderation after that)
* remind yourself of the things you are grateful for each day
* working; meeting people regularly
* volunteer work, or helping others

I think it would be important to keep you life as regular as possible, and to see your friends and socialize; not isolating yourself. You might feel like you’ve failed (I think everyone who divorces must feel some sense of failure), but I think it’s important not to pay much attention to that voice. It doesn’t matter. Your life is your life, and it’s what you make of it, and while you can learn from the past and should learn from the past, the only thing you can influence is the future.

I’m sure you’ll start meeting people when the time comes. Ha! I’ll bet there are people here who have their eye on you! However, I think your main focus now is to maintain stability and to keep things as good as possible with your ex, and to keep the children’s lives as your priority. The kids love you, and want to maintain their connection with you, and that love can fill a lot of any void in your life.

I apologize if any of the assumptions in this are wrong, or if it makes no sense because I’ve not had experience of being in your situation. I did think about it a lot when I was sick, but I never had to deal with it.

star_bug's avatar

Ok, I’m guessing you’ve got kids, so 1st things 1st, stay ammicable, even if things do turn sour which 9 times out of 10 they do. I’ve only ever seen 1 break up stay good. your kids need to be reassured that they are loved by both parents very much so they dont feel pushed from pillar to post.
I also reall hate to say this but…prepare yourself for another person to appear in your ex’s life, this will inevitably happen 1 day. Sorry if its very matter of fact, but just remember your life isnt over!

janbb's avatar

@Bri_L Ha, Ha! Sorry to disappoint you so severely – my children (adults but none the less) sometimes read this.

Naked Homer is a great role model – remember the one where he doesn’t go to church, “I’m taking a whizz with the door open.” Have fun but stay healthy!

hug_of_war's avatar

I’m assuming joint custody of the kids – you will probably miss them much more than you could ever imagine during the time they’re with mom. When my parentss divorced my dad said the hardest thing was the loneliness brought on by not being able to see us all the time.

Bri_L's avatar

@daloon – It is weird. I feel as if I will be finding myself. That is to say I will finally stop trying to fix and apologize for who I am. I am looking forward to seeing my friends and introducing them to my kids.

As far as people on here who have had their eye on me I have said it before and I will say it again, Astrochuck just isn’t my type.

@star_bug – Yup, two of the greatest kids in the world. The reason I was married, I can see that now. They will feel loved. There is no question. My soon to be ex wife is a fantastic wonderful mother. She is actually a really great friend, worker, and person as well. She has even become a good friend again. She was just a shitty, horrid wife. I have resentment and anger, but that is for me to deal with, and I will in counseling. That has no place in what we are doing now. The kids are all that matter. I will miss them everyday.

I set up email accounts for them. I am going to program auto dial for the phone. I am installing a web cam for the computer.

As far as another person entering her life. Just because I am not the right person for her doesn’t mean there isn’t one. I didn’t know what a good marriage was until my parents got remarried. The only concern is the kids and I know my wife to be ex is strong enough and smart enough of a woman not to let anything happen there.

@hug_of_war – That is going to be hard. Every day the first thing I do is find them and kiss and hug them. When we put them to bed the same. And the last thing I do before going to sleep is kiss and hug them. But we have to do what is best for the kids and I will do what ever that is.

janbb's avatar

@Bri_L You’ll have to find new rituals to keep them close. I have one adult son in Paris and one in San Fran – which I know is not the same thing – but there are ways to stay close as you’ve already figured out with the email accounts and webcam. Something like a good night Skype call may help, but I’m sure you will also want to have them physically with you as much as you can.

cookieman's avatar

you just can’t go wrong with naked homer

bumwithablackberry's avatar

Cry, don’t drink, and try and see if it’s salvagble, write down why you loved her in the beginning.

Bri_L's avatar

It is not salvegable. One of the things I learned the night she asked and this past was that. I have accepted that.

chyna's avatar

Naked Homer is back! This will be the terrific start of a new phase for you.

janbb's avatar

Go, Homey, go!

Bri_L's avatar

mmmmmm…... getting life back…..

Dog's avatar

I am so glad you have accepted what is and are now looking ahead @Bri_L !
Life after divorce can be incredible- and far far better!

I think we need to throw @Bri_L a PARTAYYYY!

Bri_L's avatar

Hey!! I will be able to travel! Game on!

elijah's avatar

<—- runs down street naked in honor of Homer and Bri L

Jack79's avatar

…what street was that?

Bri_L's avatar

checking traffic cams…... aaarrghghgllllgllglg <———-homer’s approving sound!

@elijah – thanks for making me smile and laugh.

SuperMouse's avatar

@Bri_L does being able to travel mean you are in for DalePetrie’s Party in 2011? You can caravan with our group!

Bri_L's avatar

Yeah. And I have a bunch of other friends up there I need to meet up with to.

dalepetrie's avatar

Woo hoo…I just might pull this thing off yet if I manage to find employment by then, sigh

Judi's avatar

@dalepetrie; You need to run for office. City counsel or school board to start?

Bri_L's avatar

@dalepetrie – ditto that my friend. That has become more important to me now more than ever.

bennihan's avatar

My parents are currently going through a divorce and to me it’s quite a serious thing. It sounds like you don’t have any children so if this is true it will make the situation a hundred time better.

If you’re looking to move forward with your life I recommend going on a “soul searching” trip. Maybe go camping, party in vegas, or hit up the beaches of Hawaii. You really need to refocus.

As far as getting back into the groove. Depending on your regular life just upgrade. Do what makes you happy. Just don’t hit the bottle too hard.

Bri_L's avatar

@bennihan – I actually do have children. They mean everything in the world to me and to not have them in my life ever day is going to tear me apart. It will take everything I have to get through this with out submitting to depression and loneliness. But I will not compromise my children’s future for my own selfish needs. I will be there and have them as much as possible without compromising their school and solid home.

Aside from that anything you read up above that appeared to treat this matter in anything less than a serious way is just others helping me cope in a way they know I do, with humor. Helping me cope with the most difficult thing I have ever gone through, loss of 24/7 access to my kids.

janbb's avatar

@ Bri L Just sending you a hug.

Bri_L's avatar

@janbb – thanks! I needed it.

eponymoushipster's avatar

@Bri_L go pick up one of Jon Gosslin’s sloppy seconds.~

bumwithablackberry's avatar

I almost got married once, then the extasy wore off…

Bri_L's avatar

@bumwithablackberry – Interesting statement for someone who’s fields of expertise consist of 25% “Relationships”. :-)

I don’t regret it one bit. I have two reasons why and I will spend the rest of my life being worthy of them and enjoying them.

And if, 13 years ago someone said this is how it would be but you will get these kids I would do it again in a minute.

bumwithablackberry's avatar

I was in a really bad car accident so my brain doesn’t work that good, lot’s of empty spaces in my life, things left incomplete. True story though. I mean, sounds like everyone is saying rebirth, renaissance, party, hmmm. Can 13 years or 13 days, feel the same?

Dog's avatar

@Bri_L So dude- have you felt the odd sensation yet? (not that odd sensation @eponymoushipster! ;) )

You know- after the shock and dismay at the reality- after you cover your posterior- that strange little creeping feeling… of relief followed by a feeling like a burden has lifted and the sun has broken out of the clouds?

It is a fleeting little feeling but I swear it caught me totally by surprise and when I felt like my life was in total ruin forever. When the feeling hit me I suddenly felt freedom like I had not felt in years and I swear I felt like I was flying.

eponymoushipster's avatar

i’m feelin’ it!

cyndyh's avatar

@Dog, I have felt that feeling! If you haven’t yet, @Bri_L, I’m wishing it for you soon. Cheers!

dalepetrie's avatar

@Judi & @Bri_L – I have about a trillion reasons that’s highly unlikely to happen. I suspect I’ll have to ex-patriate when our entire American system collapses in a few years so no point in even trying to take on the thankless task of becoming a politician (something that to the core of my being I am not, and in our culture which values illusions more than the truth, game over, no way an honest, outspoken man of integrity such as myself at the risk of not sounding humble could get beyond dog catcher). All the more reason you should live it up now, @Bri_L!

Whatever does go down though, the saddest thing is you probably aren’t going to have sole custody of your kids, which sucks beyond anything I can imagine. But you do have to look on the bright side, which if I were in the position of not having parenting responsibility 7 days a week, would be that I’d be able to get out more, probably go to more movies on the days when you’re kid free.

Bri_L's avatar

@dalepetrie – I wouldn’t want sole custody for a few good reasons. One has to do with the scenario of where they live. The other reason is their mother is and outstanding and exceptional one. She was just a shitty wife. And finally, knowing what it would do to the kids at this age given their “mommy need” vs “daddy need” I could never do that to them.

That is not to say it isn’t killing me everytime I think about it.

Jack79's avatar

@Bri_L I admire the fact that you are responsible and rational enough at a time like this and put your children’s interest first. I also envy the fact that you can count on your ex wife to be a good mother. Unfortunately for me it was the opposite. I didn’t even notice how bad mine was as a wife, I was too busy trying to protect my daughter from her. If I could trust her enough to know that my daughter would make it to adulthood in one piece, I would probably not care that much about not seeing her

Bri_L's avatar

@Jack79 – I am so sorry to hear that. That type of concern would complicate things immeasurably. I have absolutely no such worries. My soon to be ex is a good person, a good friend to all, except me, a good worker, co-worker, teacher, and the best mother around. Just an abhorrent wife.

Dog's avatar

@Bri_L That is awesome that you and your wife will partner to raise the kids. That is what we did (prior marriage) we were good friends. It made everything so easy. We did not even use lawyers for the divorce.

timothykinney's avatar

Go for a walk somewhere where there are no people and no relationships. Get perspective by hanging out with some trees and wildlife.

They frequently make more sense than people.

You seem to be handling this well. Kudos to you for that. Try your best not to blame her for the way you feel. But don’t blame yourself either. Shit happens.


Bri_L's avatar

@timothykinney – thanks eh. good advice

lloydbird's avatar

Hey, I only just heard about this!
Sorry to hear of your troubles and pleased to consider your new and exciting prospects.

Some wise words that I find comforting :-

“It is a silver-lined closing door that produces plenty more cloudy fish to feed the disguised gift-seahorse’s opening mouth full of blessings”.

Least, I think that’s how the saying goes!

Bri_L's avatar

@lloydbird – Thanks much!

Jeruba's avatar

@lloydbird, can I get that on a T-shirt? Lurve.

lloydbird's avatar

@Jeruba Serpently.

NewZen's avatar

Your question asks what should you do? My answer – nothing. Six days is not enough for any rational behaviour, however, it’s been a month now (according to the date) so my question is: how are you?

Val123's avatar

Do all the stuff you couldn’t do during the marriage…you know, all the stuff you had to sacrifice, which is part of being married.

NewZen's avatar

@Bri_L Update after two months plus… how are you?

chyna's avatar

@NewZen Bri_L seems to be gone.

Judi's avatar

Was he banished or something? you can’t even go to his page!

Dog's avatar

@all He was not banished or banned. He disabled his own account.

nikipedia's avatar

@Dog: That’s awful :(

Dog's avatar

It is sad. :(

Saturated_Brain's avatar

I’m just waiting and waiting and waiting for him to come back. =( I thought I had made a very good e-friend added to my fluther after sorting out the corporal punishment fiasco via PM.

SuperMouse's avatar

I’m bummed about the loss of @Bri_L he is a great guy. Come back naked Homer, come back!

tinyfaery's avatar

Boo. Hopefully he is off having fun as a new bachelor.

janbb's avatar

I’ve been wondering about him too. Hope things are going well for him.

cyn's avatar

I just noticed he was gone too. I haven’t seen his avatar on threads and I started wondering-why is he gone?
such a great guy.
Homer,come back. you can blame it all on me…..

Naked_Homer's avatar

Hey all. Thanks for your concern. I was in an already weird state and responded to a situation irrationally. I can accept the consequences. This is, after all, about the friendships. Thanks for reminding me of that, as so many others have.

Things have gotten difficult in that it’s hard to live in the house with no where to go, even for 3 or so hours, without having to drive 50 min. or more. The kids are enjoying a new level of non-tension. That’s good. I am the one having problems in my head right now.

janbb's avatar

Glad to hear from you! Things will get better sooner rather than later, I hope, Naked Homer.

lloydbird's avatar

Welcome back Bri L.
What happened to all your fur?
And what have you been eating so much of?

cyn's avatar

@Naked_Homer you’re Bri_L?

shrubbery's avatar

@Naked_Homer, I’ve missed you, hope you’re ok.

SuperMouse's avatar

@Naked_Homer I am really glad you are back!

Pazza's avatar

Visit or the information on these two sites, if you open your mind enough to let the information sink in, will astound you.
Legaly speaking, there are three persons in your marriage, and its not really a marriage, its a contract both yourself and your wife have entered into with your government.
If you’ve got the balls, and the information, you could come out of this without it costing you a penny.

You just need to accept the information and then use it to your advantage.

I hope this helps.

Naked_Homer's avatar

@Pazza – thanks and my compliments on your name!

Pazza's avatar

“thanks and my compliments on your name!” ?

Please clarify. Thanks (Presumtously)

Naked_Homer's avatar

I thank you for your input. And I enjoy reading “Pazza”. Not making fun or anything I just like it.

Pazza's avatar

Thanks, I didn’t interpret it as ‘making fun’, just wondered if the nick-name had any significance where you live. Its the nick-name shared with my older brother when we were teenagers. Big Paz an Little Paz.

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