Well another way to handle it is to say, “when you do this [describe the specific actions; don’t call it a “crush”], I feel this.” Then tell him what you want him to do. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t swoon when someone you like comes in the room. It makes me feel small.”
Then it’s up to him to change his behavior, or not.
He gets stand-offish when you talk about it because he doesn’t want to acknowledge it exists. He wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He wants to be popular, or get admiring attention from more women. His self-esteem probably needs bolstering, too.
The thing is, you have to decide how needy you are. In a way, you’ve got to risk losing him. If he breaks up with you because you asked him to be kinder and more polite to you, then is that the kind of guy you really want? This is where your self-esteem comes in. You probably don’t want to be so needy you’ll put up with anything. He might have affairs or whatever, and hurt your feelings all over the place. If you stand up for what you want now, you may well save yourself a lot of heartache down the road. It’ll cause heartache now, but it won’t be as bad as later.
In any case, for your relationship to be successful, I think it is important to learn how to talk about difficult things. If he’s ashamed, he should be able to face his feelings and express them to you. For that to happen, you can’t judge him for his feelings or make him defensive. You have to listen to him. And when it’s your turn, you have to talk about your feelings. You don’t say “you make me jealous.” You say, I feel insecure about our relationship when you do X.” In popular parlance, this is called “owning your own feelings.” You do this instead of blaming the other person for your feelings.
These are relationship skills that they don’t teach in school. Some people learn them in psychology classes or in listening workshops. However I think they are very important for relationships. They are not a cure-all, but they do open up a greater possibility for communicating openly. The things is that people want intimacy, and when you can’t talk about something because it hurts the other person, you’re headed down the road towards Splitsville. Somehow, you’ve got to be able to talk about these things, even though they are (or can be) painful.
One thing that helps in doing this is knowing your bottom line. What treatment you will accept, and what treatment hurts too much. It is a good idea not to blind yourself, hoping that things will change on their own. Sometimes they do, but most of the time they don’t. If you want change, you have to ask for it. If he won’t change, and continues to hurt you, well, you deal with that if it happens.
Of course, if all this stuff is too hard or too unimaginable now, then counseling can help. That’s not always an option, due to cost or lack of insurance coverage. However, it is something that it would be good to address at some point in your life, if it continues to be a problem.
I don’t know how old you are. I think all of our relationships are practice for better relationships in the future. Sometimes the better relationship is with the person you are with now. Sometimes it’s with someone else. If you make mistakes, you will survive. And learn. And do better next time.
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