Why can't he find me?

I know nothing about your personality, so I can’t judge whether or not you are repelling men. But I’d say the first step for you is to stop trying so hard. The best things seem to happen when you least expect them. Finding a man probably doesn’t take as much effort or charisma as you may think.

How far have you gone in trying to find someone? Is there a consistent pattern to your failed relationships? Lastly, have you ever tried using dating websites before?

Because you are too good at hide and seek?

That’s the thing, I have never tried that hard. I’ve never used a dating site, I don’t really go out to parties a lot. I was always very shy, and sort of anti-men, I had a really serious independence streak, and I know that made me push men away for years. But now I am in a different place and would like to explore that potential part of my life. But I think some of my past habits of pushing people away and being unapproachable are still there and I don’t know how to let my guard down enough to let someone in.

Please, just don’t rush into anything. If you meet someone tomorrow don’t feel like you have to get married. Be choosy and picky.

In which case, may I suggest www.okcupid.com ? Extremely simple in its functions and you’re able to personify it to a very great extent. You can filter out for people near you and what’s more, it also tries to find people who you’ll probably like (although it can be hit and run).

I’m a satisfied customer, which is why I recommend it if you really do want to find someone.

But I agree with everyone here too, don’t rush.

@mrentropy I know, that’s another problem of mine, I am probably too picky, I’ve turned down perfectly nice guys for no good reason. I find it hard to trust people or give them a chance to earn my trust

I don’t know you, but I can make a general point here: unfortunately most people are not as happy as they seem, and even the best relationships have problems. Most of the people I know are divorced, and even those that aren’t, should be. So there’s no “happily ever after”.

This does not mean that relationships (and marriage) are pointless, or that you’ll never find true love. On the contrary, you’ll find plenty of guys to date, even if you’re ugly and stupid (ok, maybe not if you’re too ugly or too stupid). But you’ll get several chances. The point is to work things out with your partner and make compromises. That’s the difference between success and failure in a relationship. NOT the people, as one might expect.

There is a myth that says there is a “Mr.Right” somewhere in the universe, and you two are made for each other, and all you need is to find him (or, as your question puts it, for him to find you). That’s a lie. You are compatible with almost every guy out there, including me. But there are different degrees of compatibility, and therefore different degrees of compromise you would need in order to make things work. If you were to date me, for example, we’d have to deal with huge geographical distances, constand problems that I’ve been carrying along, plus of course an age gap (I’m 37, so we’re probably quite different). And you probably wouldn’t like me, and you’d want to do different things. But it could still work. Of course, if you picked a guy your age that lives down the street and maybe has similar interests, making things work would be a lot simpler and you wouldn’t have to work as hard as you would with me. So the idea is to pick someone that is generally “your type”, but remember that you have to build on that, and talk things over, and accept that everybody has faults. And he obviously has to do the same.

You’ll be fine in the end :)

As I always say, quit looking, and he will come.

I was in a number of bad relationships, and wondered the same thing.
Turns out the Lord was keeping me for the girl I married, who wasn’t available then.
It was worth the wait!

Perhaps you should start off with different expectations. Instead of moving from “I push people away” straight to I want to find someone I could marry, take small steps.

Start with I would like to meet some guys and have fun with them.

Before you begin that process, take a personal inventory. How do you push people away? What are you avoiding? (Intimacy, perhaps?) You might find it usefull to have a few sessions with a therapist to make sure your issues are clear to you and how they might be sabotaging potential relationships.

Also, while I am not sure everyone is a potential partner, on the whole @jack79’s advice is right on the mark. Relationships don’t just happen. They take tending and work. They are worth it though.

Good luck.

I’m with Jack79 and mrentropy. I don’t really believe in the whole ‘soulmates’ thing. Relationships take a lot of hard work and compromise on both sides in addition to that basic chemistry that makes ‘em fizzle and pop. You’re only 22, and while it seems like its already been a long time- you also have a long time to go to finding the guy that’s right for you. And I wouldn’t lower your standards because, in the end you won’t be satisfied. Don’t just settle for the first guy that comes along that seems interested. It takes longer this way but, you’re looking for a keeper right? Worth the wait.

My only other advice I can think of giving since I don’t know you personally, is to just be more social to meet more people. You already know I think, where you could do some work by being more open and letting your guard down a bit. But please don’t change yourself to get a guy. Because then he’s not really loving you for you. Good luck!

I agree with a lot of what people have said here.
Another thing to look at is the body language you use. Do you cross your arms on front of you or ate you open when you meet people?
The subtle art of flirting comes naturally to some and must be learned by others. Simple things like touching your hair or touching someones shoulder when they speak communicate volumes. Closed body language warns people to stay away.

The best place to meet someone is where you are doing something you enjoy. I think the principle of this strategy is to be in a situation where you can get to know each other slowly. You can see each other in a variety of situations, and have unpressured conversations before you start becoming a couple.

I met my first serious girlfriend on an outing club trip. We actually met underground, in a cave, believe it or not. We started talking while waiting for one of our party to climb up a chimney. I remember bouncing little pebbles off her helmet. How’s that for flirtation, eh?

My second serious girlfriend was one of her friends. We’d broken up a year or so, and her friend wanted to come live in NYC, where I was. For some reason, we’d been writing each other a lot. I was depressed about my loss of my girlfriend, and she was kind of depressed for other reasons, so we had that in common.

I met my third girlfriend at work. It was the kind of work that people did out of commitment, not for the money. So we were both idealistic and we both worked at the same place, and that gave us a chance to get to know each other before we started doing stuff together, privately.

My last girlfriend, who is now my wife, I met while dancing. It was something we both enjoyed, and the dance happened every week, so we had a chance to get together regularly to get to know each other slowly. Interestingly, I knew I wanted to marry her within a few weeks after we met. I didn’t tell her that at the time. I waited a couple more months, I think.

I think that work or doing things like yoga, or dancing, or working on political issues, or joining a book group—all have possibilities. You can also meet people at bars or on the street, but that’s more of a hookup kind of thing. I don’t think it’s a good way to find a relationship.

You can also use the internet. You can get to know people fairly well over a period of time if you hang out on social networking sites. I’ve heard many a story of a romance blooming online that later transferred over into meat space. I think it’s a bit more risky in the sense that you only know a person’s words or voice, and have generally only seen them through other media (photos and video). That leaves out a lot of information that is very important. You have no idea how a person moves in the real world.

On the other hand, if you’re meeting online, it’s probably with another person who has trouble in real life, and so you may share a kind of shyness, or other issues in common. In any case, I think it’s much easier to fool yourself about someone you’ve met online. You can fool yourself about real world people, too, but I think you can see through your fantasies more quickly in real life.

I was never a pickup artist, and I never felt good about meeting strangers in bars and whatnot. I think I got one date that way. I think that dating is a more pressured situation. You are essentially interviewing each other, and depending on the other person to accurately describe themselves. Or, if you are doing something besides food, it’s a movie or a walk, or some other activity that’s just the two of you. It’s not seeing each other in groups or doing something they care about. I think those situations help you know a person a lot better than dating does.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I want to assure you, that I am in no way going to settle for the first guy that comes along. I want someone that is right for me, and I do understand that relationships are a lot of work, I wouldn’t want it to be easy, where’s the fun in that?
I DO need to get out more and be more open and sociable. That is my main problem, I don’t get out where I can meet people, I’ve just always been very absorbed in school, my art, and my close friends. I want to make an effort to do these things, and I will. Not simply so that I can meet a guy, but so that I can learn and grow socially and perhaps build a little more confidence in myself.
So thank you again everyone!

The harder you try to look for someone, the worse luck you have.

You need to be happy and content in yourself. You need to be a whole person. Focus on finding happiness where you are, as you are, without relying on another person to make you happy. And then be active and meet people, and be open to dating, and it will take care of itself.

@veronasgirl What kind of art do you do? That’s a great way to meet other people who might be people you like. Also, close friends can usually set you up if you tell them you are interested. Maybe they’ll even hold dinners or something. Most people like to be matchmakers.

@daloon I’m mostly into painting but I’m getting more into sculpture as well, I did want to look into some art clubs on campus. I’m a dancer as well, and they have some fun dance classes at our gym that I have been wanting to sign up for.

@cwilbur, it’s not that I am not happy and content with myself, I am. I haven’t been in a relationship my entire life, I have had plenty of time to develop who I am as a person and be independent and whole and happy. I just want to find someone to share all of that with.

Hehe, I almost recommended that you keep your eyes open on campus but- from one art student to another… sometimes dating another artist is the furthest thing from what you want in partner. But, if it doesn’t phase you- looking for a person when doing something you enjoy like Judi says, I agree with. But I also agree with cwilbur. In my experience often I find people who I’m really compatible with when I’m not really looking at all! Sometimes you’ll be really surprised who you end up being compatible with.

My current long term bf, (we’ve been dating for a year)... it was completely unexpected. Not only did I initially really dislike him when I met him, but I met him in Physics, a class I took just out of curiosity and ended up hating the crap out of.

You seem to have a lot going for you veronasgirl so I’m sure in time the right guy will make himself known to you. There’s no easy answer to how you could grow to be more social, but I know it helps when you have someone around that you are comfortable and familiar with! Got any schoolwide events that you could attend? Any casual friends you could get to know better, just for starters?

Yes, you need to find an art Patron :-)