How old are you?
If you don’t take care of yourself; if you let another person give you all kinds of shit; then it seems like you have pretty low self esteem. You may think you still love this guy, but you may have let yourself get so involved in a fantasy, that, in a way, you’re a bit crazy. In time, you’ll look back at this and ask yourself what you could possibly have been thinking.
But we’re here now, not where you will be. Low self esteem is hard to deal with. There are books you can read. You can go into therapy. There are various practices that people have. You could ask a question about how do other people raise their self esteem.
Another consequence of low self esteem is that you may be afraid you’ll never get anyone else to love you. You believe you don’t want anyone else, but underneath that you may feel you won’t get anyone else. And of course, there’s the feeling that you don’t deserve anyone else.
Well, here’s the thing. No one deserves to be treated like shit. No one deserves to be taken advantage of—treated as a vessel for semen. You deserve better. You deserve someone who will respect and love you.
Your fantasy that this guy will love you again—is, well, a fantasy. Not gonna happen. You know this, don’t you?
You say you can’t help it, but you are making yourself into a victim. You are the one who allows you to feel powerless. You are the one who imagines you can’t live without him. You are the one who lets him take advantage of you.
So, what can you do about that? It’s not a moral failure on your part. It’s just that you don’t have the skills you need in order to handle this. One way of gaining the skills is by learning. You can read books or even take courses in how to get what you want out of life. You can learn how to improve your self esteem. You can make a plan, taking one little step at a time, to make yourself more emotionally self-sufficient.
You don’t have to do this all at once. You don’t have to blame yourself for this behavior. All you need to do is take responsibility for changing and give yourself a chance to change. It may take a year or two, but surely you can manage that? This won’t last forever, and knowing that may help take the edge off your fears. You are not ruining your life doing this. You may be unhappy, but you’ll survive the unhappiness, even if it does last a year or two.
Think of this positively by thinking about what you can learn from this challenge. You have an opportunity to learn how to take yourself more seriously. This guy is giving you that opportunity, and for that, you can actually be grateful. Life is full of problems, and what we do; what makes us human; is solving those problems.
One little step at a time. Get a book about this. Read it. Maybe start going out with other friends a bit more. Especially in non-dating situations. You don’t need a man right now. In fact, you may do better by trying to avoid deep emotional entanglements until you have built up your relationship skills a bit.
Focus on work or studying or whatever it is you do. Start learning a new activity. Go hiking. Be in nature. Make music. Go dancing with your girlfriends just to dance, not to connect with someone. Take care of yourself sexually. Buy a vibrator. You are working on several things at once. Your goal is to become more self-sufficient for your emotional and physical needs. Just by asking this question in the way you asked it, you are taking responsibility for that. It’s an excellent start! Just keep it going.
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