If someone asks if you did something, does that qualify as an accusation?

I think it depends on where it’s coming from.

If my roommate asked me, I would consider it at least somewhat of an accusation. If it was my boss, I would consider it covering tracks and investigating something I was involved with, rather than an accusation.

OMG. This is a perfect question. My husband feels I am accusing him of something when I am asking him a question. It drives me crazy.

It’s not an accusation, but it does send the message that the person asking considers that it’s a distinct possibility that you did it. So it does say something about what they think you might do.

it depends on the situation.
usually i’d assume it’s just a question, unless the tone they ask it in is accusatory.

If I didn’t do it, I’d try not to make a big deal out of it.

My neighbor has not spoken to me for two years because I asked her if her granddaughters had my daughter’s purse. It was a little girl purse with just little girl crap in it and my daughter said she left it on the porch and couldn’t find it. The neighbor’s granddaughters had been outside and I thought maybe they were playing with it. I didn’t care, just wanted it back if they had it. They play with stuff in our yard all the time. I went over and very nicely asked if they had been playing with it, we couldn’t find it. This lady went nuts and said I was accusing her granddaughters of stealing! Then I was pissed. I told her if I thought they’d stolen it I’d have called the police. I wouldn’t but I was trying to make the point that I wasn’t accusing them of anything So now she has snubbed me for the last two years. I just laugh about it. I can’t help it if she took what I said the wrong way.

Guilt makes a question seem like an accusation. But so does tone of voice, and body language…

It’s not necessarily an accusation, but just in case I always answer questions like this with “why do you ask?”.

I often ask “has anyone seen my keys?” that isn’t an accusation, but “did you take my keys?” is.

My husband takes everything I say as an accusation too @JLeslie . I think it is an extreme form of defensiveness. If you are living life on the defense then you let these kind of things bother you.

As @PandoraBoxx writes, it’s more in the delivery of the question. Some things you just know where the person is coming from and you can either clarify with as little gory detail as possible or you can rant and rave about the approach and torture the hell out them for asking. Being on the defense is no fun.

Asking if someone did something can sound like an accusation. It really depends on the words you use and your tone of voice and your history with the person.

For you women whose husbands seem defensive, I’d like to know what kind of questions you are asking. If it’s of the nature of questions like “did you take out the trash?” Or, “did you call the roofer?” Or, “did you fix the sink yet?” You might think you’re just looking for information, but a guy (and perhaps anyone) might feel guilty about not doing it; like they’ve let you down, or because they really don’t think it’s all that important, and yet they know it’s important to you.

My wife asked me something like that tonight. She wants me to talk to the roofer, and I really don’t like making phone calls of that sort. I’m happy to talk to them if they call me, but, for whatever reason, I don’t like being responsible for initiating the contact. I’d rather fluther.

And when I get a “honey-do” list, I am resentful. I mean, I know she thinks these things are important, and maybe some of them are, but I don’t feel like I really have a choice. I can tell her they aren’t important, but then things get uncomfortable. Or I can tell her I’ll get to it, and then kind of forget it (which is a real forgetting, even though it’s not totally accidental).

Another thing is that it feels like a boss-employee relationship. I ask my assistants if they’ve completed a task yet. That’s partly an expression of power—who works for whom. So when your wife asks you those kinds of questions, it’s this subtle rearrangement of power relations, and most of us aren’t really aware of what just happened, but it’s like we were socked in the gut. Of course we get defensive!

Frankly, I think the best thing to do is to try to do it yourself. You probably feel like you’re already doing too much, or you have too many of the household responsibilities, but if you take action, unless your guy is a real loser, he’ll step in and take over. Just because he can’t bear to see you making such a hash of it. Unless, of course, you are actually good at it, in which case you’ll end up doing it from then on.

I don’t know. It’s tricky. It’s part of the guy psychology that is probably a mystery to you. Don’t worry. It’s a mystery to guys, too, but we don’t worry too much about it.

A question can be an accusation, yes. A thank-you can be an accusation. A smile can be an accusation. The silent doing of a thing (she gets up without a word and carries out the garbage) can be an accusation. If you really have the art of it, you can even get the poor guy to accuse himself.

A question is not necessarily an accusation. But can it be? You bet.

@Jeruba remind me not to live within speaking distance of you, it sounds like you could give the Pope a guilty conscience. =)

How does one go about finding something out without asking a question. It would only seem an accusation if the person is implying that you did the question being posed but asking it for me is a why to get to truth.

@evelyns_pet_zebra, did I say I could do this? Or am I possibly talking about my mother? not to mention my father? and my grandparents? I have observed some masters at work.

Well, maybe a little bit of it might have rubbed off.

However, I have long entertained a fantasy of an Olympic event in which teams representing various religions and causes compete in laying guilt trips on people. Instant win to the team that can make the opposing teams feel guilty.

@mponochie, you can ask the question in such a way that it becomes conversational, with an out built in. Instead of asking “Did you call the roofer today?” You could ask, “Were you able to get hold of the roofer today?” or “I left you the roofer’s phone number on the fridge, in case you didn’t have it. Any luck in getting hold of him?”

@jamielynn2328 I just think my husband hates to be wrong. He is somewhat of a perfectionist, and wants to believe he does everything perfect and right. So, any indication that he has made a mistake or done something below par stresses him out.

It’s not so much question asking, as the intent behind the question. The delicate use of shame can change information gathering into accusation. The only way to counter this that I can see is to change our way of using shame to try to change the behavior of others. If we learn a pattern of using “I” statements instead of “you” statements, perhaps questions can go back to being questions.

I was going to say something cogent and witty, but there is really nothing left to say on this topic.

All this reminds me of the mom who asked her son “Did you take a bath?” and he responds “Why? Is one missing?”