How important is age difference?

Yes. She is really too young. Period.

I know girls are more mature than boys, but a 17 year old boy isn’t right for a thirteen year old girl.

Depends on your own ages… when you’re seventeen and she is only thirteen, I feel the difference is huge. Four years is about 33% of her lifetime!

Besides the obvious differences in maturity and possible implications from that, I think there may also be many legal issues, depending on the ‘depth’ of the relationship. Especially in the US.

I would say there should be many other girls out there, that would be a wiser, better choice to date.

Yes, it’s a major problem. And depending on what happens between them, it’s a crime your friend is waiting to get into trouble for.

If she was 17 or so, the age difference starts to become more understandable. But in terms of maturity, even though females tend to mature faster than some males, there is no way that a 13-year-old is on the same level as a 17-year-old. You should caution your friend away from her before he gets into trouble.

Besides – the relationship won’t be healthy for either of them. There’s no way they can connect. And well, sex with her is illegal.

I’m older (ancient to you teens) but I was told to abide by this interesting equasion, tell me what you think jellies: the man’s age (in my case, all you cougars and feminists chill!) divided by two, add 10 years is the maximum – as a guidline.

E.G. Half of 44 is 22 plus 10 equals 32. So thirty is the youngest a 44 year old guy should date. Make sense?

That is a huge problem. A 17 year old guy is starting to get his freedom, and a 13 year old girl is only just starting to become more than a child. I hope her parents keep a close eye on them. In general age is not a problem though, the people should just be at a similar stage of life and looking for similar things.

@Zen I’m 18 – by your equation the youngest I can date is 19…. good thing my SO is 19!

@omgwhat You might want to show this to your friend: http://www.ageofconsent.com/california.htm

as long as they are just friend without sexual relations,I don’t see any problem

@Christian95… and of course he shouldn’t inhale, either.

I’m betting the 13 year old’s parents would have a REAL problem with it! Everyone has a different maturity level, but there is no way a 17 year old boy should be hanging/going out with a 13 year old girl. It’s totally asking for trouble in so many ways.

I’m sure your friend can find someone his own age – or perhaps a 21 year old?

My spouse and I are 10 years apart. But we’re also 37 and 47. If we had tried to date at 13 and 23, it would have been criminal, and so is this. She needs time to ripen.

I was 9 when my husband got married the first time (and no, I didn’t know him then) and I tease him sometimes that I could have been the alluring flower girl at the wedding. But it’s just a joke.

@Zen The rule as I know it is: the age of the oldest person, divide by two, add seven and you should get the minimum age of the youngest person. Guess times change ;-)

Anyway, as long as it’s not sexually, I don’t really see an objection, but I find it hard to imagine a seventeen-year-old feeling attracted to a thirteen-year-old, simply because, well, it differs how mature they are. Being nineteen, I really wouldn’t be attracted to, say, a sixteen-year-old that fast.

As she is only 13 I think, yes that is too much of a difference and agree with everything @DrasticDreamer has said. Once the girl is past the age of consent then age differences start to matter less but until then he needs to be really careful.

@Zen I can’t agree with that equation as it doesn’t quite work for my partner and I (close but not quite!). Don’t worry though, there is nothing illegal going on and I am way past the age of consent!!!

“She needs time to ripen.” made me cringe.

17–13 that’s not really an age difference, it’s just that they are both too young, particularly the girl, and if you’re in America, there’s all sorts of legal problems with that too. It would have been the same if he was 15 and she was 13. And worse if he was 18 and one day and she was 17 and a half.

Age difference in general is not an issue itself (eg in 10 years he’ll be 27 and she’ll be 23 and that’s fine), but huge differences mean the two people want different things in life, and have different experiences.

I’m 23 and my husband is turning 27 soon. No one bats an eye….because we’re adults not. Teen years are very different. One year can make a huge difference (like, hearing a girl is 17 is different than a 16 or 15 year old…in the sense of maturity, not always though)

I personally think they could “go out” and call each other boyfriend and girlfriend, but definitely not have sex. She is much too young. People will judge him for it. It’s just how society is…since we view 13 as a child, and 17 as almost an adult.

Sounds like a bad idea to me. When things go bad it will be very bad for him. What if she says they had sex and he ends up a registered sex offender because of it? Even if it is an innocent relationship, it doesn’t sound like a good idea to me.

Having a 17 year old daughter I can’t believe I put that maybe the guy should find a 21 year old. No way I would want my daughter to go out with a 21 year old! it was early But thinking about my daughter being 17 – she would never go out with a 13 year old boy. With that perspective, right or wrong, it seems like the 17 year old boy would only be trying for one thing. I know it’s wrong to think that way, but I’m cynical.

Tell your friend to check age of consent in your state… Not that i’m condoning he have sex with her or anything (and in fact highly oppose the idea and don’t recommend it for at least 3 years), but even making out can be considered a sexual offense (after he turns 18 that is). My state (ohio) is 16, I think Utah is 14 (the lowest is 14 I’m pretty sure).

Anyways…. dating is fine, if her parents are cool with it, and he’s not out to score or something, then whats the harm? I’m 24, dating an 18 year old.

I don’t know, doesn’t sound like such a huge deal to me. I see both 13 and 17 as pretty immature and all sorts of things are possible…

Well, since this guy is almost a legal adult, has been through high school, has had more experience in relationships than she has (I’m assuming) and is more mature, I don’t think it’s a good idea to date, whether they are having sex at all.

Also, as awful as this sounds, why would this guy want to date a girl that young? I’ve known guys who only date much younger girls and there tend to be some issues there. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, but it does go against everything biologically and mentally to be attracted to a pre-pubescent person.

I’ve always heard that the age equation is whoever’s oldest has their age divided in half and adding 7 to it.

Like 17 / 2= 8.5 + 7 = 15.5

So, yes. She is too young.

@Sampson who knew there was a formula?

A 13 year old shouldn’t be dating a 17 year old, especially when the girl is younger.
In my relationships, I need a man at least three years older than me. My man is six years my senior

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Umm… I did :)

@Simone_De_Beauvoir
Actually, the way I was told, the formula was supposed to remain a secret amongst men. ;-)

In most cases I would say that it depends on the individuals involved, and sometimes an age difference can actually serve the relationship better. But in this case, this girl is thirteen, and I don’t care how mature she seems, she is much too young.

@Facade I have never been attracted to a man that is any less than 15 years older than me although I didn’t have my first relationship until I was in my late teens.

@Leanne1986 If what you’re saying is that you like older men, I’m completely with you… I think it’s the salt and pepper hair and facial lines :)

@Facade Hell yeah!

When it’s 17 and 13, it weird. But I think as you get older the same age difference doesn’t matter. Being 17 and 13 does matter, but 24 and 20 doesn’t. The legal age in MI is 16 with parental consent.

A 13 year old is not going to be as mature as a 17 year old. I agree with @AlyxCaitlin the older they both get the more acceptable it would be.

When I was 19, I met some girls from the south of France, that were much more mature than I was, probably still.

@laureth GA for She needs time to ripen.

Ah yes. The plump, sweet fruit that is youth!

My rule of thumb is: If you are ready to get married right now, then it’s OK to date – period. If not…go do your homework or listen to the Jonas Brothers.

I am sure that a 17 year old boy (who can’t control his testicles) would want to get involved physically – and that is statutory rape.

The older you get, the less of a difference it makes.

When you’re teenagers, it makes a big difference though. We go through a lot of changes from 0 – our late 20s, and those changes can be harmful to relationships (I’m not saying people can’t change once they hit 30, but I’d say the amount of changes is lower). She might like him now, but she and/or he might change and they don’t quite click anymore.

Immaturity can hurt relationships too.

Not to mention all the crap they’d get if they do start dating, and the ‘I told you so’ shit when/if they break up. And it could be legally dangerous for the guy.

Bad idea, all the way around. Doesn’t mean they can’t hang out with each other, but the should hold off on the parts that make it a romantic relationship for a few years.

I believe that if you are under the age of 18 and dating somebody that is either 4 years over or under your age, that is wrong. However, if it was a 22 year old and a 26 year old, I see no problem with that.

I’ve definitely got the minority view here. When I was 13, I was definitely as mature (if not more mature) than most kids aged 17 that I encountered, but I also don’t remember being much of a kid beyond the age of 6. I’m not one to encourage such a relationship, but I know the scenario does have its exceptions. In extremely few cases it makes perfect sense, but the two individuals must be mature, responsible, rational enough. My own pairings have been 15 & 24, 18 & 35, and now 20 & 23 for life. I am aware that this is not usual and really isn’t a good idea for most people. I think the equations are good general rules to keep in mind, but regarding them as absolute standards is silly.

Unfortunately, in most cases where the girl is this young, it is usually a combination of infatuation and reckless hormonal behavior. Studies have also shown that girls that begin dating too young are more likely to end up in abusive relationships.

If your friend, or this girl, is still any bit an immature kid then it’s a terrible idea. If they’re mature far beyond their years, I see no problem. The added complications of existing consent laws and parental reactions need to be considered very, very seriously. Your friend could definitely mess up his life (and possibly this girl’s) if he makes poor decisions.

@MacBean – purposely so – the whole situation makes me cringe.

It’s been a normal thing since the genesis of life on Earth, for a 17 year old boy and a 13 year girl to get romantically involved with each other.

Only in the last 150 years, has this somehow suddenly become some sort of “dangerous” or “risky” situation.

Let’s not blame normal teen boys for the manipulative, overbearing, control freak men who have harmed girls over the years in America. It’s because of THEM we have these fake morals and strict laws. We as a society have a guilt complex for having such evil men, and then we stupidly attempt to solve that with laws that restrict not only unhealthy relationships, but healthy ones too.

Rather than assuming all men are predatory and all girls are weak and pathetic… it’s time to assume that this young couple can handle being in love, and dating, and seeing each other. And if one of them at one point disproves that, then at that point, start introducing pressure to end the relationship. But not before that point.

And using the law as a guide, is always a mistake. It’s a factor to be weighted, not a guideline for what is always right.

Our culture needs to get off its fake high horse, and relax. Let these two lovebirds do what has been natural for teens their ages, for thousands of years.

Encourage intelligent handling of it, not abolition of it. Teach teens to start weighing in the emotional, spiritual, social, and legal factors that are involved with their relationships. Yes, they’ll make mistakes, but within a generation, we’ll have a society that is a hell of a lot smarter, and far more relaxed. Overall. There will be positives and negatives to anything of course.

@Kraigmo Hear, Hear!

Also, I’ve certainly known a far greater number of aggressive or predatory girls than boys in my time.

And your 17 year old friend doesn’t feel odd dating a 13 year old?

ok well i showed him all the answers that you guys wrote and this is what he says:
“this girl is different, i feel like i need to be around her all the time and every word that comes out of her mouth makes my heart skip a beat. i know the law in my state and thats why we promised not to get into the physical stuff. i know all of you are thinking that a seventeen year old teen can’t control himself but i swear it wont get that far as silly as it sounds i love this girl and she loves me.”

yea my friend actually wrote that and at this point he doesnt care what i think or what i say about his situation. he is a little mad at me for posting this question, but i only wanted to know the truth. thanks for the opinions and replies, i want to hear more

That’s just weird. See, if she was 18 & he was 22 that’s a different story. At this point she is way too young to like older guys like that..

Acceptable Age is found by taking the square root of each age, multiplying the results by 47, rounding the number, subtracting the difference between them from each, taking the tangent of the age of the male and the cosecant of that of the female (both in degree mode), and then multiplying each by pi and then by e. If the resulting difference is greater than 1, they shouldn’t be dating.

Just kidding. While I don’t think there’s a magic formula for what is “right” in this case, I do think 17 and 13 is a little steep (I don’t think I would ever date an 8th grader at my age).

At that age that difference shows that she has some issues if she really likes him and that he has some problems if he likes her back.

Depending on the truth of his statement in your previous post, however, I think he might have something real, but if he can’t control himself enough to wait then he is invalidating his own statement. They can stay close friends.

@Kraigmo It’s not just that people have a problem with men dating younger women, it would be the same way if a 17-year-old female dated a 13-year-old boy. You think it’s weird simply because something changed that was done for several hundred years? Slaves were around for hundreds of years and no longer are. And it’s better that way. I could make an entire list of things that were done for hundreds of years, aren’t anymore, and never should be again.

I don’t think anyone is saying that a lot of 13-year-olds aren’t at least somewhat sexual, because they are. But if they’re going to be sexual, let them be sexual with someone closer to their own general maturity level. Science has proven, innumerable times, that a 13-year-old brain is much different than a 17-year-old brain, regardless of sex. Their live experiences will not be equal, their maturity levels will not be equal – the entire relationship would be unbalanced in multiple ways.

Using the argument that something was done a certain way for hundreds of years just doesn’t hold up. Especially because people used to die younger and didn’t even have the time to be a kid because everything was so urgent and dire. Why do certain people have such a problem with letting kids be kids – just for a little while?

I know this might sound like stating the bleeding obvious but the fact that the girl was 12 not so long ago (although it’s not been mentioned when she turned 13) makes it seem that little bit worse.

I hope, for your friends sake, that he can be true to his word and hold off the physical for a very long time. I was mature at 13 years old, a lot more than every teenage boy I came into contact with, so I understand what some people have said about maturity levels etc but even so….

The maturity of a seventeen-year-old boy is sixteen and the maturity of a thirteen-year-old girl is fourteen. So they are a little closer. It might work (for a while).

@Kraigmo – Yes, a long time ago, that couple could have done the Romeo and Juliet thing, especially if he was more like 25 and she had just started menstruating. That was the way it was, because the older man was usually financially able to support a family at that point, and the woman was young and presumably fertile, and needed to be taken off the hands of her father. Perhaps they’d go build a log cabin on the frontier and put in a crop of barley. And she’d sew his clothes, milk the cows, and have sixteen kids to help in the fields, and he’d do his best to manage his land and provide for the five kids that survived.

But life is not like that now, as evidenced by how they met at a mall. She may or may not be fertile, but I’m not sure the 17yo is as financially stable now as he would have been expected to be back then. Life expectancy is also much greater – they may live well into their 80s, as opposed to being old at 35 and dead at 40. There’s no rush to start breeding field hands, and no dowry/land to distribute to the kids when they grow up anyway. Times have changed, and peoples’ behaviour needs to mirror what is appropriate now (if they want societal approval), not what was appropriate when news came by Pony Express.

@DrasticDreamer you’re right totally right about my conclusion being based on a false premise. Although I still have the same conclusion, based on other premises; but the one I brought up, and you addressed, was faulty in the exact way you described.

I still feel the harm of preventing such relationships once they start, unless there’s stronger personal factors beyond just age difference of 4 years for two teens, is greater than the potential harm of the relationships. The couple in question here… sounds like they’d be tormented if broken apart… and for no definitive reason, either. Just reasons that are used generally. And I hate to punish or control responsible teens for the general irresponsibility of many teens. The harm caused by that creates…. what we have.

@laureth, I would take everything you said, and since it’s true, I would apply it to the dangers of teen sex. But not teen relationships. I don’t think we should assume that the relationship automatically means sex. Nor should we assume the opposite either of course. But the harm caused by breaking up these types of couples is so immense, compared to the relative few number of problems they create.

I was a teenager once. :) They are sexual creatures, even if adults try to isolate them from such activity. (In fact, I was a bigger horndog as a teenager than I am now, heh.) Teenagers in relationships may very well have no sexual inclination toward each other, but I think that is unlikely. Even the ones who pledge virginity until marriage often don’t keep that pledge.

On the other hand, there were boys I wanted when I was a teen that didn’t want me back. I KNEW at the time that I was missing out on THE ONE who was MEANT for ME, but I also learned later that that was hogwash. Perhaps they suffer now, but at age 25 or 30 they’ll look back and say, “What was I thinkin’, wanting to start that young?” Or perhaps they’ll be 30 with a teenager of their own, looking back and saying, “What was I thinkin’, starting so young?”

So, do you think the age of adulthood is a median age in which people generally start having sex, or is that a whole new question?

@bumwithablackberry you mean 18? And yes, probably a new question.
That’d be a difficult (or at least time consuming) one to answer. You’d need to find the percentages of first-timers for ages 8—...60? and then find census bureau data for the numbers, and then line them up (or do some modulo arithmetic to make it much more manageable,) then find the middle! Seems like I could write a simple script to deal with the data, but even then, it wouldn’t be a very accurate estimation. :( headache!

@Beta_Orionis you shouldn’t need to go throough all that trouble to answer @bumwithablackberry‘s question. He’s not asking what the median age is; he’s asking what you think it is. But yea…. other topic. (@bumwithablackberry, I took you to be a he, if not…. sorry)

@whitenoise heh. I suppose you’re right. I’m just too scientifically minded!