What would/did you do if you found out that your "SO" cheated on you after you cheated on them?

Think that you deserved it.

Think that the pain you caused your partner caused them to lash out to get back at you.

Perhaps in your pain understand what you had done to them and to your relationship?

Oh I forgot to add that she did it twice.. my bad.

I wouldn’t cheat in the first place. In your case, I think you both have issues and probably should consider whether you belong in a relationship together.

I would ask myself “If I don’t want to be with her, and she doesn’t want to be with me, why are we still together?”

@NaturalMineralWater Why are you obsessing on what she did instead of what you did? Your focus is wrong.

You only slept with someone once and that’s OK, but she, in her hurt and pain, then slept with someone twice so now you’re counting?????

You guys are missing the big picture here!

Be hurt just as he is/was/would be.

I would ask myself why I said “Jeebus”. Then I would take a serious look at my life.

@Marina I’m not obsessing. I just found out ten minutes ago. Do I not get to be at least a little distraught or something? Damn.

@erichw1504 mmm k

@Facade Are you saying I deserved it so I should be forgiving?

If one person cheats it’s bad enough. If both do you’ve got to be asking yourself why are we together at all since we’re obviously not fulfilling each other.

Make an appoinment with a marriage counselor…

why did you cheat in the first place??

@NaturalMineralWater I don’t think I said that at all…

look them in the eyes and say…............. ”...touché”

@Facade I’m not trying to imply that you said that, I’m just wondering.

@wenn That’s sort of the approach I’ve had so far. I can’t really be angry or sad. At this point all I’ve done is sort of chuckle and say “wow”.

@NaturalMineralWater okie dokie

After one person cheating, it’s time to take a serious look at the relationship and work hard at repairing it if both parties think it’s worth it.
If the other person then cheats, it’s a pretty sure sign the relationship is dead.

It wouldn’t matter to me who cheated first, me or my partner. I wouldn’t be with someone who would cheat to get back at me, nor would I sleep with someone else to get back at my partner. I’m an adult, and put a lot of work into my relationship. There is no room for pettiness.

@Sarcasm GA.

Why the heck do people cheat? Can’t you clean up one mess before you make another one???

@Judi I don’t know.

I love her too much to cheat on her in the first place, so assuming I found out she did out of nowhere; I’d probably spend the day (...or week) crying.

I should also add, that feelings are just feelings. You should acknowledge them because trying to only have “appropriate feelings” never works, you just end up burying them and not dealing with them. Who you acknowledge them to, and how you handle them is another story. She doesn’t need to know that you are hurt or anger or shamed, but denying those feelings to yourself would not do you any justice and would probably cause you problems in the future.
She doesn’t need to know how this makes you feel, but you do need to find someone you trust to process this with.

you are screwed. Let her/him go.

@uberbatman Actually what I said was not that I’m hurt.. but that I’m not angry or sad. But yes.. I am a moron.. that much is for sure.

Cheating is a sign that something is seriously wrong in the relationship.

If both of you are cheating on each other, it’s probably time to split up.

I think my reaction would really depend on the circumstances. Why did I cheat? Why did she cheat? There are so many possibilities. Is this a response to the relationship and the parties not getting what they need from each other? Is this because the relationship is all but over? Is this vengeance? Why did she tell you? What did she tell you? Is this second time with the same guy as before, or someone different? Do you want to fix the relationship, or get out? Do you still love her?

I’m sorry, but the devil is in the details, and if you don’t provide more, I think the answers will be meaningless to you. I think what you are really doing is just asking for sympathy. I’m afraid that most people are more likely to be judgmental than sympathetic (see @uberbatman‘s comment above).

You’re probably in shock. You probably don’t know what to think. As everyone says, a couples counselor might help. Also some introspection might help. Of course you have to talk to each other. If you care about each other and really want to fix it, you will listen to each other without being defensive. If it’s over, you’ll just fight and assign blame and it’ll be miserable.

People make mistakes. It’s usually because we don’t know what to do and we are miserable. We reach out or lash out in the heat of our emotion. As ever, two wrongs don’t make a right.

I think you should sit down are write out your story. First, what happened (for your infidelity). Then the story of your actions when she cheated and just now. I think you should do this for your own understanding, and as a starting point. It might give you some idea of what you are looking for, and a basis on which to start healing or separating. Whether you share the document with us is up to you. If it’s as raw and open as it should be, you’ll not want to share it with us, although if you have great courage, you might.

I wish you peace. I wish you reconciliation, if that’s what you both want. I wish you the grace to identify what you want out of life, and the ability to learn from your mistakes and do better next time. Your relationship (marriage?) is not over, but it is 90% of the way there.

Ten minutes is too soon to figure out what to do. First, a relationship can never be fixed by one partner going outside the relationship. Now, we have a situation in which both partners have gone outside the relationship.

A big old time out is needed here by both parties.

Do you love her and do you want the relationship to work?

Does she love you and want the relationship to work?

In either case, both of you involved other people and other relationships before finishing your business with each other.

Both people should stop all interaction with other parties. Break it off. Stop it now. That includes more than just sexual contact. No lunches, no emails, no calls.

Then you should start to talk to each other about what you each want. This would probably best be done with a marriage counselor because there is so much raw hurt and anger floating around that it will be hard to get past that without help.

Then as you work on things, you can determine what is right for your relationship: working on repairing it or letting it go. Try to get to one of those places with compassion for yourselves and each other. You had love for each other once. Work from that place even if it is only to respectfully end what you had.

Once two people start cheating on each other.. I think its time to break it off and move on.. there’s no point in continuing to hurt each other.. It’s just not worth it.

I couldn’t be mad. What right would I have to be mad about something that I had previously done to them? But I would also have to question why in the world we were still together. Two wrongs don’t make a right. And it’d be clear that there are some serious issues that need to be addressed.

All of you that are saying that it’s time to end the relationship obviously haven’t been in @NaturalMineralWater‘s shoes.

I would feel terrible guilt for even putting my spouse in the situation and then I would have a long heart to heart with my spouse. It is possible to get past something like this but it is a long, difficult road.

I wish you the best @NaturalMineralWater and hope that the two of you can work this out. It is now time for the two of you to move forward and not dwell on the past.

Payback’s a filthy bitch.

@onesecondregrets That’s for sure!

Makes me wonder what the payback is about. It seems like the person paying back might not really even want to cheat, but feel such a strong sense of vengeance that they do it anyway. But does it really help? Do you really feel better? Is that what you really want?

She said we are now “even”. I understand that.. but I also know that I never intended to hurt her in the first place. I’m not sure what she intended. Either way it’s my fault.

@NaturalMineralWater I think you have every right to be just as hurt or angry as she was when you cheated. I question someone who would intentionally have sex with another person as revenge toward the person they love.

As for your infidelity… I have never understood the whole “I never meant to hurt you” thing. What did you think it would do to her? Of course you knew it would hurt her, you did it anyway. Seems rather intentional to me.

I’m sorry, but I’m just going to say here that I simply do not understand “cheating” for any reason, or in any circumstance what-so-ever. Either you love someone (emphasis on 1) or you don’t.

@Supacase What I mean by “I never meant to hurt her” was that I didn’t do it with the sole intention of hurting her. In the back of my mind of course I knew it would hurt… yeah.. I know.. sounds like shit to me too… whatever

Is your SO aware you cheated first? Not that it matters who goes first, more my curiosity if you think this is a retaliation for what you did and that’s why you say you’re kind of chuckling it off. I’ve never been in your situation but I imagine I’d be crushed, feeling like crap not only because they cheated but that I’d never really know and not really have much right to know if they did it out of retaliation, bitterness for the inability to forgive me or if they just lost desire and respect for me over time after I first disrespected them/us/our relationship.

@hungryhungryhortence Yes I did it first. The whole ugly cat was out of the bag long before today. I was only chuckling out of shock.. it has been a long day.

@NaturalMineralWater: this is painful then. I’d be almost afraid to ask your SO why they did what they did because I’d feel it would just bring up your initial incident and you two would end up in a huge emotion pile of doo, sifting through whose hurt came first, why, which is worse, who is guiltier, all that and still, the relationship is terribly damaged. I’m sorry, really.

@NaturalMineralWater So what happens next?

@daloon Communication.

Lack of communication is usually the cause of something like this.

unless the guilty party is a habitual cheater

@jonsblond I hope so. I really hope so.

me too

how mad could you honestly be?

I’ve forgiven her but I couldn’t promise not to bring it up again. I just can’t believe she never intended on telling me… I had to find out on my own. When I told her it was after four days of deadly guilt.. but only four days. I know.. sounds like I’m making excuses… Gahd I hate this and deserve it at the same time.

The truth is you brought it on yourself, which it looks like you’ve realized. If you wanted her to forgive you, now it’s your turn to forgive her. If you’d have stayed faithful she most likely would have too, so thank yourself for the position you’re in whenever you feel like bringing it up in the future. You can’t bring up the past and move forward in the relationship at the same time. It’s time for you to both re-commit to the relationship or go your seperate ways. I know it’s tough, and this situation stinks no matter how you look at it. Good luck.

I am the “SO” I would never have done anything out side the marriage. I guess I was so hurt and the fact that he was away for nearly a year and a half during the time he did it twice to me really pierced my heart because I had been fully faithful and committed and my heart was his. I felt like I died from the lies!!!!! I did not plan to tell him about what I had done because I did not want to hurt him and I figured he would never understand.