I am concerned about my son. He is 19 and seems to be depressed a lot. Is this typical at his age and what is the best course of action.

Hey, I was trying to be helpful.

Oh, man, do I feel for you. I’m so sorry. Let him know you’re there for him. Does he have friends yet at school?

The girlfriend situation will work itself out quickly, what, with him being a Freshman. But it’s estranging to be away at school. Is he in any clubs?

Full ride scholarship for wrestling. A lot of pressure to perform. His older brother on same team. He and his brother have always been best friends. His brother is getting engaged and feels like he’s loosing his best friend.

How far from home is his college? Under the best of circumstances, the first few weeks are tough for everyone, no matter how they pretend.

The school will have a counselling center where your son can find someone to talk to.

Like @andrew said, definitely ask him if he’s joined any clubs (any clubs other than wrestling, to give him a little space from his brother). It’s the fastest way to make new friends and create a niche for yourself in college. Starting college is tough, a lot of people get depressed or anxious in their first few months. Give him a little while before you start to panic though… most likely, he’ll be just fine.

Hello, I have been a special education teacher for seven years and have worked with many students with depression. In the last two years I have become a massage therapist, movement therapist and have found great results with temporary depression through massage. Try finding a massage therapist that he feels comfortable with and see how he feels after two or three massages.

Other clubs are a good idea. Not panicking is also a good idea. I guess its been a long time since I’ve been in college and its easy to forget how hard all the changes can be. I remember wanting to come home all the time. Lots of good things to think about.

Its amazing how much it helps just talking about it, especially to some one not involved.

Can you send him some “care baskets?”. It seems cheesy but when I was a Freshman at college everyone adored them, whether they admitted it openly or not :) It’s just a nice touch of home.

I also agree that “clubs” are great while in college. I found one as a Freshman that literally helped me survive college. It is a way to get great resources, meet friends, get involved, and feel important. It really boosts the ego.

If you are really concerned about depression you may also suggest he check out the on-school counselors. They are typically pretty mellow and students see them for all types of things.

Care baskets are good. So is sending him directions on how to find the university counseling center, which is free at most universities. My daughter said that was the best thing I could have done for her, pointing her in the direction of the counseling center. But they told her want she needed to hear—that she was not the only one feeling the way she was, that she will feel more at home, will eventually decide on a major, will make new friends.

It’s hard, because you can’t make it right for them, but what you can do is keep updates from at home as constant as you can, and you can encourage his brother to go visit him on his own, so he doesn’t feel abandoned by his brother,

I’m just going to go out on a limb (and do a fair bit of projecting my own college issues on your son’s situation). If it’s not useful, feel free to ignore.

Most basically, he’s probably doing a fair bit of ruminating on everything that’s coming at him and is probably too overwhelmed to know where to begin. Part of what makes depression happen is a perceived inability to affect one’s situation.

So, he probably really needs to be heard with respect to everything that’s going through his head, and mentored or coached to a degree toward making those issues and problems manageable—not solved, but properly sized up with some internalized sense that yes, he has mountain or two to climb, but also a reasonable amount of confidence or assuredness that he has arms and legs that work properly—tools at his disposal to make some headway and minimize backsliding. He needs to learn how to view the problem as an external set of circumstances toward which he can choose to problem solve or ignore or make his life’s work. In kind, he needs to see that the problem is not inside him where the best he can do is play it over and over in his head until the script magically changes on its own or by just willing it to somehow be different. He needs to learn this now, or at least make an attempt, because it will not get easier until it is learned. Also, he can’t be talked or argued into it. He has to be led to some degree to discover this healthier perspective.

I don’t know much about co-dependency, and I don’t assume this is the case, but it may be worth ruling out or parsing.

If he lacks a sense of balance in his life (like how some people are slobs and let the days slip away and others successfully find times for things they enjoy, social
gatherings and family time) it might be helpful to “lead him to discover” that sensibility as well as a way of giving him at least a few handles to hold onto in life.

The triangle between me and my parents during that time in my life was not conducive to solving my problem, and it continued long past graduation. So, if warranted, please try to be a different kind of parent.

My battery is going to
die.

There are many different kinds of depressions. Some are related to circumstances, and others are related to brain chemistry. Often, it may not be clear where a depression comes from.

I got depressed in college—but for some reason, I never really took it seriously. I kind of thought it was cool. I just let it be, and it went away. Other classmates of mine went to school counseling services. If you’re a self-reliant or anti-therapy type, it can be really hard to get yourself to get help. It’s hard to know when it’s bad enough that you need help.

The dynamic between a parent and child complicates things. I don’t know what kind of relationship you have, but some kids go off to school, and they don’t want their parents hovering over them, telling them what to do. Others are the opposite—missing their parents horribly.

In my family, my parents never would have dreamed of asking me about my psychological health. For them, it was “suck it up” and do something. I could have no more shared my inner life with them than I could have lifted a truck over my head on the tip of my little finger.

If you’re there for him, you’ll be a non-judgmental sounding board. I’m not sure there’s a parent in the world who can remain non-judgmental about their kids. These days, parents seem to hover a lot more—they call them helicopter parents.

These parents are calling the school all the time, and getting them to take one action or another on behalf of their children. I don’t think this is such a good idea, but if it helps you allay your concern, you could do it.

Personally, I think you can tell him that you are concerned. If he wants to talk, you’re there. But don’t try to make him talk. Just be there as a backup, if you’re needed. I don’t know what else to tell you until I know more about your relationship. And, of course, since I know nothing about your relationship, this advice could be totally inappropriate.

He probably is, but I say let him just go through this. I’m 18 and I’ve been getting depressed lately as well, but I’ve been learning absolutley a lot. I just graduated high school this year and it’s been really tough to make the switch from my used-to-be high school life to my real world life. I have to find a job, make whole new friends and deal with the fact the majority of them will leave. I’ve been dealing with the idea of “What am I doing with my life now?”. My older brother went through this who is now 21. He’s helping me a lot. I say let him go through this and work it out himself because it’s something I need to figure out myself too. But keep an eye out for syptoms of clinical depression

@AlyxCaitlin That’s actually really good advice, GA.

@J0E why thank you (: haha like I said, I’m learning a helluva lot!

Thanking yourself huh? :)

@J0E why yes (: haha

Everyone goes through that confused, “what the fuck am I doing here in lifeohgodwhymemylifesucks” phase. Some early, some later. Give him space, let him find himself.

Thanks for all the great advice and suggestions. I am taking them all seriously. Hardest job in the world is being a parent.