I need help with my current situation and have no idea what to do.

This reads like a Lifetime movie – and that’s not good news for you.

Get out of that apartment, be on your own for a good long while. And never speak to J again.

I think the key element here is that you were previously in an abusive relationship. So you have enough insight to recognize that pattern when it comes up again.

The first time you’re a victim. After that you’re a volunteer.

If you don’t want to spend the rest of your life subject to abusive men you need to get as far away from J as fast as you can. That’s as clear as I can make it.

It boggles my mind why women continually return to their abusers. If you would like to get some insight on this and prevent future re-occurence of this pattern in your life, you should seriously consider finding a therapist. Or perhaps even a group therapy situation with other women facing similar situations. Most places have some sort of a women or family center. This might be a good starting point.

You REALLY REALLY need to figure out for yourself why you find yourself attracted to an abuser and why on earth you would be confused about whether or not to leave him. If you don’t figure this out, you are just setting yourself up for another one like J to work his way into your life again.

@Buttonstc I’m currently speaking to a therapist about things. Long history of neglect and so on, thats part of the reason why I told him I needed space for a while.

Does it make me a bad person for being unsure if i love him anymore? What should I tell him? “I’m sorry I cant be with you because i’m afraid of you and if you do love me you really need to make an effort to prove it?” I’ve hurt him a great deal by being unsure what to do. He said he’s had feelings for me for a long time but didnt want to get hurt or used so he was afraid to bring it up but had he done so things would be a lot different between us instead of bringing it up when he thinks he’s losing me and causing this mess.

I don’t think “J” deserves any kind of explanation and you shouldn’t feel any guilt at all for not giving any.

I worked for a domestic violence hotline (well, it was a suicide, rape-crises, DV and child sexual abuse hotline) for three years, and this sounds very familiar to me. I suggest you call a local domestic violence center and arrange to speak with somebody, as soon as possible, because it sounds to me as if you are in danger, particularly where your ambivalence about returning is involved.

He told me that he would never hurt me that the only reason he’s like this is because he’s frustrated with me. He was never like this before either. Do you think that he would have eventually done this over something else? Like the anger in him would come out at another time in a different way? Thats what i’m so scared of, why i cant be with him mostly. I’m afraid that if i get with him and we work things out that every time he gets angry about something he will take it out on me. i dont like flinching from someone but i feel like i will around him. he never hit me but i guess choking and yelling is just as bad.

No, it doesn’t make you a bad person but it does make you a vulnerable person.

You don’t owe him any explanation at all. When a man resorts to violence against a woman, he forfeits his rights to have anything else to say about her life.

If you absolutely must say something, just tell him that you refuse to continue in an abusive relationship. Period.

Ignore his manipulations and promises of reform and get the he’ll out of there. As a matter of fact, leave first and then tell him. He knows how inappeopriate his behavior is. And if he doesn’t that makes it even more imperative that you leave as quickly as possible.

This is the same thing your therapist would or should be telling you.

I think my biggest problem is that I lack the nerve to do it. I already have an apartment lined up but i guess i’m just waiting for it to get worse. I’m scared to be there but i’m scared to leave.

I feel bad because i dont want to hurt him, its pathetic i know, i just cant get away from this feeling of regret for telling him that i loved him. maybe then things would be different. i dont know.

I just read pdworkins response and I concur. If you don’t feel empowered enough to stand up to this guy, call a hotline and get help immediately.

If you only knew how many times women have been suckered back by the guy pledging he will change. He won’t.

How do I know that? Because he is blaming you. That is SO SO classic. That’s what every abuser does.

What makes this whole mess worse is that we’re both in the military. He’s pretty much one of my only friends here. And i’m pretty much one of his only friends too.

So?

That’s a crappy reason for submitting to abuse.

Find new friend. Where? Try a womens center.

Don’t deal with abusers. Period. Don’t listen to any of their reasons, they’re never any good.

Go with the guy who’s been kind to you throughout this whole situation.

He told me that he would never hurt me that the only reason he’s like this is because he’s frustrated with me.

In this very statement, he’s telling you that hurting you is your own fault, he feels justified because you “frustrate” him. Frustrate is such a broad, ambiguous term. You will never, ever, ever not frustrate him. He will always resort to hurting you because he does not associate his actions with himself.

Why do you need a boyfriend at all?

@PandoraBoxx i’ve got codependency issues that my therapist and i are working on. she recommended that i get a dog to help with that. i’m trying to get myself to a point where i dont feel like i need someone. He said that he would help me through all my problems and be there for me to lean on. At the same time, I feel like he is part of the problem.

“He” as in J or T, or “he” as in your therapist?

Edit: Scratch that. Reread your post, and He must either be J or T. You’re correct. Both are part of the problem. Move out. Live by yourself. Get a dog.

T is not the reason you’re having problems with J. J is the problem you’re having with J. T could be a convenient excuse to leave J, but he’s really a red herring in all this.

Get out. The simple fact that J has made it clear you two will be together for a long time is a warning sign that he calls the shots. Say you find a need to get out of the relationship sooner than he finds long enough. What will he resort to then?

Move on, but I wouldn’t suggest moving on to T or anyone else. If you do love J you need to work through those emotions before taking on another relationship.

@Supacase I agree completely. Its a matter of getting myself to the point where I can stop feeling guilty enough to move on. I feel bad all the time. Like i broke his, J’s, heart. Now he wont even speak to me and its awkward as all get out in the house. He deleted my number from his phone and he wont respond to anything I send him or ask him. I dont know if he is being immature because i hurt him or if its because he’s trying to move on from me. I hate this entire situation.

All of that is yanking your chain to make you feel like you did something wrong. Get out and sort yourself out away from him. End the drama.