How do I tell my mother I'm moving in with someone who lives very far away?
I have lived away from home on several occasions in the past. I recently moved back home to help my parents and so that I could get back on my feet. At this point I’ve been back home for about a year and a half. I’m 28 years old. My parents are very kind and they are not generally unreasonable about most things.
The problem is that I’ve been dating a guy who lives fairly far away for several months now. He’s only been to visit once because of scheduling issues that we both have. He wants me to move up there and live with him, about 1000 miles away from where I live now. Whether or not this is a good decision is not really the point since I’ve already decided that I want to do this.
The problem is that while my mother is kind and caring, she is also very opinionated about many things and I have a feeling she is going to try to forbid me from doing this. How do I tell her that I’m moving without implying that I’m asking permission, but keeping our relationship intact? Is there really a good way to do this? Or is the best thing just to tell her that I’ve already made up my mind and that I’d like her blessing if nothing else?
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11 Answers
Whatever you do, don’t phrase it like you’re asking for permission. “Mom, I’ve decided to move in with ____.” You can ask her what she thinks if you want in order to keep communication open. Just make sure that she knows it’s not a question, it’s a declaration.
Maybe start by thanking your parents for helping you get back on your feet, and then tell them your plans for the future. Tell them you appreciate them allowing you to move back in temporarily, and that you’re ready to move into the next phase of your life. Be prepared to tell them you’ll visit often.
And your 28 – your mum can’t ‘forbid’ you anything.
“Mom, guess what – (friend) has asked me to move in with him, isn’t that great? You have done so much for me, I almost feel guilty to leave, but I’m really excited.”
“Mother, I want to let you know of some plans I’ve been making. Guy and I have been keeping in very close touch, but the distance is hard on us. We’ve decided that it’s time for us to be together. So I’m going to be moving up there right after the first of the year. It’s been great being here with you, and it’s meant a lot to me, but we always knew I couldn’t stay here indefinitely. I don’t want to cast a shadow over the holidays, so let’s enjoy celebrating them together, and then I’ll be getting ready to move. I hope I can continue to count on your love and support as I make this transition. I’ll miss you a lot and come see you as often as I can.”
You’re 28 years old?? Then tell her like this, letting her know that it’s what you’ve decided and want so she’ll be less likely to be negative: “I’ve got something to tell you that I am really excited about- I’m moving in with ______!” And then answer her questions with kindness but firmness. You’re 28, so time to not ask but expect your mom to treat you like an adult.
@BBSDTfamily, You’re 28, so time to not ask but expect your mom to treat you like an adult. The caveat to this statement is, And it’s time to make responsible adult decisions.
You have to go into this decision understanding that by doing so, you may burn bridges behind you with regards to your parent’s willingness to help you out if this arrangement doesn’t work out as you expect going forward. If you’ve worked out the full impact of the situation, with respect to self-sufficiency and are making the move as a responsible adult, then yes, you should expect your parents to come to terms with it. And if you convey that you are making this move as an adult.
If you are moving from having your parents be responsible for your living expenses, to having this other person pay your living expenses, you may not be happy with how your parents interpret the situation.
I recently went through a similar but not exactly the same situation in my life. My son who is 26 has been in and out of our house for various work reasons over the past 3 years. This summer, he decided to ride his motorcycle across the US and has settled on the other coast. While I was unhappy about the motorcycle part and told him, I knew I didn’t have the right or ability to forbid it. And as far as him moving so far away, I miss having him around terribly, but I know that at 26 or 28, it’s your own life to live and also that he’s made a good choice for himself. It may be useful to have your boyfriend spend a littl time with them so they see who you will be with. (BTW, at one point I asked my son if he was bothered by my qualms about the bike ride and he said, “I’d be more upset if you were my mother and you weren’t worried.’) I think if you have a healthy relationship with your folks and tell them unequivocally what you are going to do, and them give them room to express feelings, it will work out o.k.
“A parent’s job is to give their children roots and wings.”
You can let your mother hold you back. You will have to move out some time. Might as well be now.
@PandoraBoxx I agree it’s time to make responsible adult decisions, but it seems to me the issue here is her mother’s criticism when she makes decisions. At 28, it’s not her mom’s decision to make regardless if her daughter’s decisions are responsible or not.
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