What can I do? I just found out that my husband likes to watch and be watched on webcam with gays...

You two should talk about this.

I talked about it. I just can’t trust him when he swored in vain.

If you don’t trust him, you have bigger problems than his sexuality.

Take away his webcam and internet privileges. And ground him.

This is a good time for marriage counseling. This is something big and it’s important you both have professional help to deal with this.

Curious as to know how this question would be worded if he was video chatting with women.

I understand you’re in pain, @2late2be, but I think that’s an interesting discussion.

I think you will have to accept the fact that he is gay or ambisexual. If he is attracted both to men and women, I should think that he would honor his marriage vows anyway, and perhaps compromise by masturbating to gay porn, rather than interacting with live people.

If he is gay, you both may wish to reconsider your marriage.

Actually, just ignore me. Isn’t the place.

Good luck, @2late2be.

@Grisaille it would have been the same, I think. I can’t say it for sure. I don’t know… My head is just spinning right now..

I can understand how painful this is to you. I would think it would be difficult to resolve without some kind of counseling. Good luck with it.

@pdworkin has the only real answer you can consider. Either work it out, or learn to deal with it. If he has bisexual tendencies, and wacks his penis to gay porn, but doesn’t physically cheat on you with other men, I don’t really see the harm in it. It isn’t a trust issue unless he continues to sneak around behind your back.

It comes down to honoring his vows. Wacking off to gay porn is NOT a violation of the marriage vows. Of course, some people feel they need to control every aspect of their partners life, including their sexual oddities, and then they have problems.

I hope this works out for you, and that you both come to some sort of understanding that you both can live with. Counseling wouldn’t hurt, though.

Perhaps this is an instance where internet anonymity, technology and pornography collide. If you found he was watching guy/guy would you be as upset as if it were heterosexual or girl/girl porn? Probably not.

It’s the “participatory” element that the camera provides that takes this into another place. Would it be less upsetting if it were with a women instead of men? To me, that would be much worse.

Counseling would be helpful to work through this.

The first thing I’d address in your relationship is the lack of truthful and honest communication. Why would he see a need to lie to you? I know what terrible things can happen when you find out that someone lies to you. You start thinking whether they’ve lied about this, or that. Perhaps you may even start wondering whether he lied to you when he said, “I do” (webcamming with other people on such websites isn’t a very good way to honour this vow). I personally believe that honest and open communication is the bedrock upon which relationships should be built. In some ways, it would appear as if this bedrock is missing in your case. You need to find out why.

Secondly, yeah.. As @pdworkin and @Psychedelic_Zebra have already said, you need to talk to him about his sexuality. He’s possibly bi. Or even a closeted gay. Either way, I think knowing why he’s hidden something like this from you for so long is extremely important. Call me a paranoid doomsayer, but if he’s been hiding his sexuality, a part of me tells me that you may even need to ask him why he married you.

What you need to understand is that if there are sexuality issues involved, your husband cannot be blamed for them. Depending on his background (was he raised in a conservative society, by any chance?) he could be just as confused about his sexuality as your are. I suspect this is the case.

No matter how strong the temptation is, do not blow up at him. That will only make things worse. But do tell him that you’ve been hurt badly by him. Counselling is most probably in order.

And… This is so not the place for this… But.. I don’t know why… I was reading the last paragraph I typed, and to me it seemed extremely familiar somehow. Then @PandoraBoxx finished typing what she wanted to say, and for some reason I felt like I had seen that exact same paragraph with the exact same wording somewhere before. I went to check the archives for anything like that, but came up with nothing. Oh gosh..

Is he otherwise honest, loyal and trustworthy? Almost everyone will lie when confronted with something they might be ashamed of or expect to be ridiculed and judged about. Is your relationship as open a s you think? Is he as comfortable talking to you about issues and himself as you think? Could be you have been deceiving yourself about the nature of your relationship?

Tell him what you found (and the fact that you snooped doesn’t say much about your trust or trustworthiness) and ask him point blank. See what happens from there.

@Saturated_Brain I think knowing why he’s hidden something like this from you for so long is extremely important. Call me a paranoid doomsayer, but if he’s been hiding his sexuality, a part of me tells me that you may even need to ask him why he married you. That isn’t a good way to dig into this. Accusatory questions such as this only make it worse. Obviously, he kept it hidden because he is ashamed of it. Sexuality is NEVER cut and dried, there will always be certain aspects of a person’s sexuality that changes over time.

To me, it seems there were trust issues to begin with, and not to be unfiar to the OP here, but without an open means of communication between married persons, any relationship is doomed from the start. My wife and I have been together for over 20 yrs. We fantasize about other people when we make love. Doesn’t mean anything except that a fantasy is where you can explore the forbidden. She just told me that if I stopped sharing my fantasies with her and she with me, sex would be boring and chore-like.

But back on topic, I don’t understand why she felt the need to check the Internet history on the computer after he left. Trust issues? Oh yeah, big time. I have never checked the history of my spouses’ Internet ramblings, and she never checks mine, there is no need. We tell each other everything because we know trust and communication are the most important part of a relationship. It is way more important than even naming the kids or what college to send Jr. to.

This marriage needs help, and professional help at that. I hope they get it straightened out, because one thing no one needs is another divorce. I really hope things work out for the best.

@tinyfaery I usually dont like to watch what he was looking on the Internet, dont check his cell phone or calls record, BUT to come home and see him in boxers in front of the camera… I just had to ask and check the pc. He wouldve done the same. And for those who ask what if he were watching with a woman, I feel like it is the same no matter what, he should tell me if he needs something or feels like there are somethings he would like to try. If he is bisexual… He needs to tell me.

Trust can be rebuilt, though that often requires assistance. Being of differing sexual orientations, however, though it was not infrequent in the past due to closeting, is no longer as necessary, and would not seem to me to predict for a successful resolution here.

@Psychedelic_Zebra True. That is probably the most obvious reason why he hid it. But I have a feeling that sooner or later they’re going to reach that question: “Why did you marry me?” And to me the future state of the relationship depends very much on the answer to that question. It isn’t an accusation. It’s a pained and confused plea for understanding.

I, too, don’t want another divorce. Hate the thought of them.

@pdworkin Being of differing sexual orientations, however, though it was not infrequent in the past due to closeting, is no longer as necessary, and would not seem to me to predict for a successful resolution here. Could you elaborate on this? Because if I understand you correctly, you’re saying that them being of differing sexual orientations would probably mean that their relationship might not end up successfully.

How have you felt about your relationship lately? Is there any distance between you that didn’t used to be there? Have you felt like there’s anything missing in his presence with you? How have things been sexually? Does he want more than you want? Do you want more than he wants? How has he been, otherwise, in the relationship? Do you still feel close to him? Are you connected with him?

I would believe him when he says he’s never met anyone in person. Online sex can be very intense. It can be a way to blow off steam and to feel like you are still attractive, as well as to get your rocks off. It can feel like it’s same, because everything that happens is in your head. No actual touching of body parts or exchanges of fluids. Many guys would think “what’s the big deal?” It’s just porn and whacking off, except in his case, he’s showing off to guys. He may not even be interested in any physical relationship with a man. Rather, it could just be the sense of being powerful and attractive. Some guys like showing off their privates, especially if they haven’t felt all that good about them before.

Sometimes people can do this even in good relationships. It’s not about infidelity, although I’m sure you interpret it that way. It’s about finding something you feel is missing from your life—excitement; meeting new people; feeling like you’ve still got it.

As the @Psychedelic_Zebra said, the fact that you went and searched his history is a sign that there are deeper problems in your relationship. I would ask you to think about how long you haven’t trusted him? How long has it been since you’ve been wondering what’s going on? Have you felt these things but been afraid to talk to him?

And on the other side, has he been asking for things and you haven’t wanted to give them? Does it seem like he’s frustrated with you? Have there been a lot of fights and sullen silences lately?

Couples counseling, of course. It helps you talk. If he doesn’t want to go, it may be because he’s afraid you’ll beat him up. He already is ashamed of what he did, and he isn’t interested in giving you more opportunities to make him feel worse.

A good counselor will help you both express your anger without beating each other up, or perhaps just help you get beyond the anger to problem solving. I have to ask if there is a problem. Have you been missing anything from him? This doesn’t have to be a blow to your ego. It doesn’t have to mean you should feel bad or inadequate. You don’t have to be threatened. For him, it may just be a way of whacking off. He may have no relationship at all with anyone. All they do is display themselves to each other.

I think this is a shocking thing that you can’t wrap your mind around. I would ask you to try to let time go by until you can see this without the haze of hot anger. It may not be whatever you are imagining it is.

That is correct. If he is not attracted to women, that poses a big obstacle. If he is, as I said, ambisexual, that is a different question.

@pdworkin Well, that’s something only time will tell. Let things develop first.

Time has nothing to do with it. He has to tell.

@daloon GA my man. You are very eloquent and give the most thought provoking answers of anyone on Fluther. I’d GA you until my fingers bled, if I could get away with it without being accused of gaming the system.

@pdworkin As in, we don’t know right now because @2late2be is currently in a confused daze. We’ll know for sure only when they approach this (be it in the next hour or day or week).

:::sigh:::

I think trust and his sexuality/sexual preference are equally important issues here. If he won’t be honest with you on his own, then you should seek professional help. Maybe he’s not even being honest with himself. I don’t see this being resolved with on its own, or in time.

How many URLs are we talking about in the history here? Like, a whole bunch? Or just one from each site? If it’s one (or two) from AFF, it could be that he was looking at porn and then a bunch of popups exploded.

Of course, if it’s a bunch, then that’s different.

@2late2be, Is there is an unusually high level of tension and frustration between you as a couple that is related to this question and internet web cam porn is one way for him to handle stress in the relationship?

Before you treat this as a problem, it might be beneficial to understand if this behavior is a reaction to something else. I know this probably sounds strange coming from me because I’m usually Miss Priss, but same sex cam porn does not sound like an entirely implausible way for someone to seek release from tension when a situation gets out of control, and the idea that same sex is somehow less cheating than heterosexual cam sex is not that far fetched, especially if you love your partner, and don’t want to cheat on them. Trying to cover up when asked about it would seem to be understandable if you weren’t really clear yourself as to why you were doing what you were doing, or you didn’t feel like you could articulate it.

The history actually said “webcam with gays”? I don’t really believe that…

@PandoraBoxx I don’t think it has anything to do with that, we had this same issue maybe year ago, I caught him chatting in gay rooms and found out that he had an extra email as if he were a woman.. There are many things now that makes me think he might be or gay or bisexual, and of course I want to know..

Well ask him. Don’t be emotional, don’t be accusatory or judgmental, and don’t get upset. I know it sounds difficult, you must be very hurt and confused, but the it is likely that the only way he will open up about it is if he feels he is a non-threatening environment. Try to think of how he is feeling. The biggest problem you face is the unknown. Once you both know the circumstances you can act.

Even if he is attracted to men, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you or that your relationship is doomed.

It always could be that there’s some part of his sexuality that he’s been too ashamed to talk about and has to have met in another manner.

It may not feel like it, but he could have been doing this to protect you.

@delirium how he can protect me that way?

Because he knew you’d be hurt.

You know, like you are right now. Also, I’d imagine this is so, so very embarrassing for him. I’m not being apologetic, but he must be crushed.

Or because he thought you’d be so revolted at his kink that you wouldn’t be able to reconcile yourself with it. That it wouldn’t be a “Hey, I am totally for supporting you in that way. Sounds fun.” and instead would be a “WTF is wrong with you?!”

@2late2be, I feel for you. If this is part of a pattern of behavior, then probably marriage counseling is the best place to work out what the truth is, so that you both know what’s what. As @tinyfaery said, the biggest problem you face is the unknown.

At the very least he is Bi-curious.
Tell him how you feel, and ask him not to do this if you object to it.
Good luck.

Just a possibility…But something has been redirecting me to that site. It won’t take me to the actual page but it shows up on my history. Maybe he wasn’t doing anything after all. Mine isn’t the only computer I’ve seen doing that either lately. It mostly pops up when I watch free movies or go to a site with pop ups and advertising.

@Clair Erm… Multiple account mix-up much?

@Clair He accepted that he was being watched in boxers.. He has accepted everything, except that he is bisexual or gay

@2late2be ooohhhh….ok. That changes a lot. Did he accept that he was being watched by a man or did watch another man?

He essentially did. A little earlier she explained…

“don’t think it has anything to do with that, we had this same issue maybe year ago, I caught him chatting in gay rooms and found out that he had an extra email as if he were a woman.. There are many things now that makes me think he might be or gay or bisexual, and of course I want to know..”

@Clair He accepted he was being watched, 4 times he said he did it…

wot.

I believe many people fall in the shades of Gray between completely hetero and completely homo but there is always a choice in how to act out. Maybe your husband has been faithful but his fantasies include gay interaction and for him online is a safe interaction. Having said this, I wouldn’t be able to handle such a relationship where it’s more than viewing porn but is actually live exchange between two irl people using webcams. He needs to be clear on why he’s gone so far as to seek out a live person.

@hungryhungryhortence That’s what bothers me the most..
I was fine with the idea of looking porno if he likes to, everybody watch it sometime, but the idea of him watching and being watched by another person that I just can’t handle it, if it were me the one who did it, I’m pretty sure he would have done the same, he’d forgive me but wouldn’t want to be with me again, I think that if I try to be with him again I would have this images of him taking out his boxers for another person and there is no sense on being in a relationship like that.

@2late2be: I’m a believer in there are some things you can’t unsee that forever change how you feel about that other person, how you feel about yourself every time you are intimate or whatever.