Social Question

mostlyclueless's avatar

Is it okay to just show up at your SO's house?

Asked by mostlyclueless (701points) November 6th, 2009

Hypothetical situation: you have been in a long-term relationship, let’s say for one to two years. At the moment, you live about an hour apart. On a Friday night, you call your girlfriend twice and she doesn’t answer.

Is it acceptable to show up at her house, text her, and say “I’m in your room”?

If you were the girlfriend, how would you respond?

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53 Answers

casheroo's avatar

“I’m in your room”?
No way. That is beyond creepy and stalkerish.

It’s one thing to show up and surprise the gal, which to me would probably be a great surprise..I’ve never had a real long distance relationship but from I read about them..the couples usually love seeing each other whenever they can.
Not sneaking into a bedroom though.

NaturalMineralWater's avatar

Yeah, that’s creepy. What about knocking on the door?

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

Minus the “I’m in your bedroom” part, it’s fine. Especially if it’s a long term, serious relationship.

Dog's avatar

Here we have a major double standard.

If a guy texts and says “I am in your bedroom” Major creeper.

If a gal texts and says “I am in your bedroom” she is a goddess.

mostlyclueless's avatar

@NaturalMineralWater: presumably if you could enter her room without her knowing you wer in her room…knocking on the door would do nothing because she’s not home.

jrpowell's avatar

How do you get in her house? If she gave you a key it would be cool. If you broke a window to get in you need help.

Judi's avatar

It depends on your motives. You couldn’t get a hold of her. Were you afraid she was somewhere or with someone you didn’t want? If you couldn’t get a hold of her, maybe she didn’t want to be gotten a hold of. Just because she’s your girlfriend doesn’t give you permission to stay at her house uninvited. You especially shouldn’t go into her home if she’s not there without her permission.

rangerr's avatar

Removed by me

mostlyclueless's avatar

@johnpowell: Let’s say for the purposes of this question that both the girlfriend and her roommate are incredibly lazy and notoriously bad at locking their door, and this is common knowledge among the boyfriend and other friends.

@Judi: Seems like the motivation was just wanting to hang out with the girlfriend…despite her ignoring two phone calls.

SpatzieLover's avatar

@mostlyclueless My cousin’s boyfriend did this..Let’s just say it didn’t bode well w/her and ended it.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

You have to be careful to respect her privacy. If showing up out of the blue isn’t normal, you probably shouldn’t.

ThePeanutGallery's avatar

It all depends on the dynamics of the relationship. Unless the girl has previously expressed that it’s okay to do things like that (surprising her, etc), I would say that’s a big no-no.

mostlyclueless's avatar

@ThePeanutGallery: We used to live together. So I guess he feels like my space is still his. I don’t.

I think I am angry because I feel like he left me no kind way to say, “No, I don’t want to see you tonight.” If someone drives an hour to hang out with you, there is no nice way to say, “Actually, I’d rather spend tonight by myself/with my friends, so you’d better turn around and drive home.”

faye's avatar

I’ve had a ten year relationship and its pretty rare to drop in without talking about it. just respect, isn’t it? But then we are solitary people. call her from a cafe, or text.

SpatzieLover's avatar

@mostlyclueless So you are the girlfriend in this situation?

Time to fish or cut bait!

mostlyclueless's avatar

@SpatzieLover: Yes.

I am consistently surprised that on the internet, the solution to every argument seems to be to break up. Obviously I am furious, but this hardly seems to warrant ending a very very serious relationship.

But maybe I’m fooling myself. Perspective is a hard thing to acquire.

SpatzieLover's avatar

@mostlyclueless No the answer is not always to break up. However, he did something to show you his mis-trust, and broke your privacy. Those are warning signs. When your instinct is to ask a question about a weird situation to strangers on the Internet, you already know what you should do.

mostlyclueless's avatar

@SpatzieLover: I continue to disagree…to the extent these are “warning signs” I think they are warning of different preferences, evidenced by the answers above. Some people think this is an acceptable thing to do if you are in a very serious relationship; some do not.

Unfortunately I do not have any models of functional, long-term adult relationships to draw on, so I often find myself second-guessing myself when upset by relationships. Hence the turning to strangers on the internet.

So I am not worried this boyfriend poses any kind of threat to me…I just wonder if I am justifiably or unjustifiably upset by this.

gemiwing's avatar

‘Right’ or ‘wrong’ you are upset by this. So I’d try to deal with what comes next and not worry about being one or the other.

Tell him it’s a boundary issue, he’ll apologize and you two can continue on.

(It would have ticked me off too)

jrpowell's avatar

Holy shit.. You are the girlfriend. I thought you were the “room-sitter.” Yikes. Good luck with this. I have nothing to add.

ThePeanutGallery's avatar

I think I am angry because I feel like he left me no kind way to say, “No, I don’t want to see you tonight.”
Tell him this. Honesty is the best policy, right? If the relationship is as serious as you say, he’ll understand. I would.

SpatzieLover's avatar

@mostlyclueless Welcome to Fluther!

It comes off as trolling when you present a question one way, then allow users to find out you are actually the girlfriend involved later in the discussion.

You asked as the “boyfriend” we answered as such. In Fluther, we appreciate honesty upfront.

faye's avatar

He has a key? that might grant some rights in his mind

Response moderated
ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@SpatzieLover GA! I feel like I’ve been lied to!

mostlyclueless's avatar

I apologize. I meant to pose the question as that of a disinterested party—I don’t think anyone’s answers should change regardless of the asker. Either this is an appropriate thing to do or it is not.

augustlan's avatar

[mod says] Duplicate post removed.

@mostlyclueless @ThePeanutGallery Welcome to Fluther!

bagelface's avatar

Nope, not cool.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

My reaction would entirely depend on what I thought his motives were. If I thought he did it to surprise me, it could potentially be a cute thing. If I thought he did it because he wanted to check up on me due to some kind of paranoia he might have, it’s definitely not okay.

pinkparaluies's avatar

I think.. Im in your room is a little odd.
However.. if you bring flowers and are in her living room? Fine by me!

buster's avatar

Maybe he is busy trying to make some money or helping a friend move or working on his car. I wouldn’t drive an hour to see him yet. Call him back in a couple hours. I have been with my gf for almost three years. Sometimes I don’t feel like hanging. Sometimes I get busy and I forget to call. I try too call but she understands or at least don’t get mad for long. I don’t want to spend every minute im not working with her and she feels the same.
My opinion is don’t show up. I like to know when my girl is coming over so I can clean, make the place smell good, wash the sheets and bedspreads, and i can get some old school booty bumpin music playing

Dog's avatar

@mostlyclueless Welcome to Fluther!
Please join us and ditch the generic avatar!

hearkat's avatar

You indicate above that you chose to ignore his phone calls so your claim that he “left you no opportunity” to tell him you didn’t want to see him is utter denial.

Also, when I’ve been dating a guy for 6 weeks, 6 months, or 6 years, our ongoing communication includes discussions of what the plans are for the near future… If you had previously discussed the possibility of seeing him that night and then changed your mind, it behooves you to communicate that to him.

It sounds as though you want to have your cake and eat it too, which is entirely unfair to this young man.

JLeslie's avatar

I think mostly it depends on how you have already established the relationship between the two of you.

If I had been dating someone for 2 years they would have my key and come and go as they please I would assume. You must have her key if you are in her bedroom. But, if I was not expecting to see you I may have other plans, so it might be impolite to expect me to drop everything.

If your relationship has changed, I htink you said you used to live together and now you don’t, then you have to have new ground rules, actually tell the other person your expectations. I don’t know if you don’t live together because someone got a job out of town, or you took your relations hip down a notch? (maybe I missed something when skimming the above posts.)

Lock your door. Next time it could be someone you really don’t want in your bedroom.

scamp's avatar

Sounds like the two of you need to do some talking about boundaries. Did he leave a voicemail? And how far apart were these calls? I have a feeling the two of you play games that aren’t good for either of you. If he drove an hour after 2 unanswered phone calls, he sounds kind of insecure.

But then again, if you ignored him and gave him cause for worry, he may have felt like he was checking on your safety. Stop playing games and talk to each other. Don’t rely on strangers on the internet to fix your problems.

Lightlyseared's avatar

It is at mine.

Haleth's avatar

It sounds like there’s a dynamic in the relationship where your boyfriend does most of the chasing, and you do most of the running. Usually when this happens, the chaser turns off the runner with their intense behavior, so they try to see even less of the chaser. This just frustrates the chaser, and they go to greater and greater extremes to try to see the runner. One thing that can make people act this way is if you send him mixed messages. You have to be clear with him about whether you want to see him or not.

This isn’t all his fault. You’re being passive by leaving your door unlocked and not answering his calls. You should lock your door and then decide whether you want him to have a key or not. While you leave the door open, he’ll probably justify his behavior by telling himself that you really want him there, because you haven’t done anything to stop it. If you lock your door, he can’t hang out with you. You should pick up your phone and tell him that you have other plans. I’m thinking that you avoid his calls because he will try to convince you to drop your plans and see him, but I don’t really know if that’s the case. Either way, for some reason it’s hard to convince him that you’re doing something else. But you have to tell him. Right now, he doesn’t know that you don’t want him to show up out of the blue, and he doesn’t know that you don’t want to see him some nights. Once you explain these things to him, he should never do this again. If he does, he’s way over the line into stalker territory.

Haleth's avatar

How often does he do this?

mostlyclueless's avatar

@hearkat: I don’t understand where the denial thing comes in. We did not have pre-existing plans; now I can see that he was trying to make plans with me and when he was unable to he forced me to have plans with him by showing up at my house.

And while we often do discuss our plans for the near future, we simply had not discussed plans for this particular Friday evening.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

My boyfriend and I show up at each other’s houses just about everyday without invitation. So to me it would be pretty normal, but each person is different. I could understand someone not wanting that to be a part of their relationship.

hearkat's avatar

You are claiming that he did not give you opportunity to tell him you didn’t want to see him… that is denial (you are only fooling yourself). He tried to call you twice, and you chose to ignore those calls. He reached out to you, and you inconsiderately snubbed him, and now want to say you didn’t have a chance to communicate that you didn’t want to see him that night? With the phone, text, IM, email tools available to you kids today, there is no excuse to not communicate, and you admitted above that it was your choice not to. Why not? What was your intention? Why should he tolerate that behavior from a so-called girlfriend?

How can you call this a serious relationship if you don’t chat about what you’re doing with your free time on the weekend? Or if you don’t want to see him after presumably not having seen him for a few days? Or if you can’t even be bothered to answer the phone when he calls? It seems that you do not take him or the relationship very seriously, and that you are playing games. I admit that we have only been given a tiny glimpse of your relationship, but this is the impression you have given to me (and apparently several others, since I’ve gotten some Lurve for that answer).

casheroo's avatar

I actually thought the OP was the girlfriend, and not the boyfriend. I just got that vibe from how the Q was written.

wundayatta's avatar

I like @hearkat‘s analysis.

If you don’t mind, could you tell us why you didn’t answer the phone?

Are you looking for excuses to be mad at him?

Is there a lot of drama in your relationship? Is that something you’re comfortable with?

mostlyclueless's avatar

I didn’t answer the phone because I was engaged in another conversation.

We frequently do chat about our plans but I don’t give him a play-by-play of what I plan to do with every hour of every day. We just didn’t happen to mention our plans for this one Friday night this one time.

I continue not to understand why you think this is denial. If I had somehow psychically known he was calling to ask me to make plans, and I had deliberately avoided the phone calls in order to avoid making plans, then I would be in denial. But he could have just as easily been calling me because he was walking somewhere and was bored, to get my lasagna recipe, to find out if I remembered the name of that band we heard that one time, etc.

If my dentist calls me to make an appointment for a teeth cleaning and I don’t answer, he’s not going to just schedule me anyway. If any of my girlfriends call to make plans and I don’t answer, they’re not going to be confused when I don’t show up. I don’t understand why a boyfriend should be entitled to my time without asking me for it in the first place.

I guess I am wondering if it is normal to feel resentful of his assumption that my time is his, or if I should just be so super excited to see him every time he wants to see me that I drop everything to hang out with him. Because I’m not. Obviously.

mostlyclueless's avatar

@hearkat: I really am not trying to be difficult but every time I read your answers I get more upset. I don’t understand why I’m obligated to pick up the phone every time he calls. I don’t think failing to answer my phone makes me inconsiderate…I think I was being considerate toward the people I was spending time with. I don’t understand why the act of not answering the phone is snubbing.

Certainly if we had standing plans and I stood him up and didn’t answer the phone, I would be a jerk. But do you really think that every time you silence a phone call you are inconsiderately snubbing someone?

faye's avatar

It’s your boyfriend, you said. a callback is not an unreasonable idea.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

@mostlyclueless You’ve been in a relationship with him for two years, so I think feeling resentful that he wants to spend time with you is definitely a little harsh, and you might want to take a step back and think about how seriously you feel about him, versus how seriously he feels about you. After two years, many people become ‘blah’ about relationships and the excitement dies. The fact that it hasn’t for him, to most people, would be a good thing.

There’s nothing wrong with having boundaries, but after you do some serious thinking, I would suggest talking to him. Not anger, no resentment, just an adult conversation. If you decide that you do love him as much as he loves you, and want things to go in the same direction he does, reassure him that you love him and aren’t trying to be mean. If you decide otherwise, it’s best to tell him as soon as possible.

wundayatta's avatar

Your boyfriend is different from your dentist in terms of call priority. If you disagree, then it sounds like your boyfriend is a pretty low priority. At the very least, I think you should have a good talk with him (and with yourself) and discuss how you want things to be.

In any case, I think you can forget about normal. If you are bothered by his presumption, then you are bothered. However, if you expect him to read your mind about this….. Well, you get the idea. You could tell him what he did is not good as far as you’re concerned, and you don’t want him doing that again.

And no, I don’t think you have to get super-excited every time you see him. It might be easier if you just try to be yourself, and express whatever feelings you have that are true feelings. If he doesn’t like that, then too bad. Maybe you aren’t a good match.

I think that when people ask questions like this, they are looking for validation for a choice they’ve already made. Maybe someone has already accused them of being whatever, so they need to find support for their position.

Well, relationships are not about voting about the course of action. Relationships are about communication and enjoyment and partnership and commonalities. No one should have to change their true selves for someone else. If they do have to, it’s a bad sign for the relationship.

But I think you should never apologize for who you are. Never ask what is normal. I used to do that, and screwed myself up the wazoo. In fact, I still am. Doing the wazoo thing.

You are who you are and you can’t change that much. Most people, it seems to me, are happier if they nake peace with it and do what they need to do to keep their lives livable, being as kind as possible in the process.

hearkat's avatar

Please note that your words above stated: “Seems like the motivation was just wanting to hang out with the girlfriend…despite her ignoring two phone calls.” That is different than the new twist on the story that you claim that you were in a conversation that could not be interrupted.

A “serious” relationship means that it has a high priority in your life. If you can’t take your boyfriend’s call at the moment, you return the call as soon as you can or send a text saying “Can’t talk now… TTYL” or something to that effect.

No one suggested that you are accountable to someone for every minute of your day… I simply said that in my relationships, usually by Tuesday or Wednesday, the conversation of what is happening in the upcoming weekend is brought up. This has been especially true in my more serious and/or distant relationships, because we were looking forward to spending time together.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

I’m with @hearkat on this, you received phone calls/texts and you could have easily and promptly responded with an answer that let him know you wanted the night without him, giving him time to make plans of his own without you. When you care about a person then you show respect for them which means not letting them “sit & spin” or ignoring them because you don’t feel like being bothered at the moment.

JLeslie's avatar

Seems like you are giving signals that you are losing interest without being direct with your boyfriend. If this is true, he is going to become insecure from the signals you are sending and either get more clingy or dump you. More clingy is more likely at first. Men rarely dump until they get someone new. He will be open to other girls if he feels insecure by your reactions to him. I might be way off base, I don’t know you well obviously, but I do know how relationships tend to work so if any of this rings true heed my warning.

SpatzieLover's avatar

@mostlyclueless, after reading through your other questions here in Fluther, I’d say either you’re playing games with the collective or playing head games with your boyfriend. Is the unrequited love question about this boyfriend or a crush? Does your mixed signals question deal with your boyfriend or with you?

scamp's avatar

@SpatzieLover amen sista! I was wondering the same thing!
@mostlyclueless are you upset with your boyfriend for showing up uannounced because you are seeing more than one guy, and you don’t want him to find out? I am asking because of the details in this question.

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