Social Question

NaturalMineralWater's avatar

Has your SO ever gotten irrationally angry with you for trying to help them?

Asked by NaturalMineralWater (11295points) November 7th, 2009

I’d been unpacking boxes all day while my SO was at the gym and.. well.. who knows what else.. throwing away the trash, boxing up all the packing paper and breaking down the smaller boxes… I swept the house and the bathroom, fed the kids lunch and played with them during short breaks. I put what I could away but truth be told 97% of the stuff in our house is hers.

She comes home and the first thing she does is get hopping mad that her stuff is unpacked. She starts yelling at the kids and fuming that I had left some things out (because I was taking a quick break).
She flips out and tells me she wanted to unpack all the stuff herself and put it away .. finding a spot for each little thing as she went. There are only a couple of counters full of stuff I unpacked.. the rest is put away.

Am I being selfish, irrational, or crazy to be pissed off that all my work was for nothing? Should I have left the house a mess? I’m just beside myself right now.. Have you ever tried to help out only to have your SO turn on you?

If I’m not being fair I want to know. I’m just tired of these kinds of reactions from her. Did I do something wrong?

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30 Answers

gemiwing's avatar

‘Wrong’ depends on point of view. Talk to her and ask her specifically about Why it bothered her. Did she need to unpack to feel that this was her space too? Did you put things in the ‘wrong’ place?

We can try to guess all night- but only she will know.

NaturalMineralWater's avatar

@gemiwing Even if things are in the wrong place.. does that really warrant being bitched at for unpacking all day and cleaning up? I thought she would be happy… wrong again slim.

gemiwing's avatar

@NaturalMineralWater No I don’t feel it was an appropriate reaction. My point is that you have to talk to her about it to really figure it out. Then, if she calms down and apologizes, it will mean something.

chyna's avatar

Did she tell you before leaving that you were to leave her stuff alone? I have to wonder why someone would be at the gym all day when there was unpacking to do. Seems her priorities are mixed up. I have a quick temper (but short lived) so I probably would have slammed out the door because the other person wasn’t appreciative of all my hard work. My reactions are no way meant to say what your reaction should have been.

NaturalMineralWater's avatar

@gemiwing I hope I can do that in a few minutes.. right now I’m just pissed. Good thing fluther is here to be my hate sponge.

@chyna no she didn’t say anything about it. I did exactly that. I said something along the lines of “i’ve been working all day and this is the thanks I get? this is bullshit” and then I slammed the door and walked out. Sometimes I’m not able to control my quick temper either.

Val123's avatar

She should have told you what she wanted up front! Does she think you’re a mind reader? She sounds awfully selfish….

PretentiousArtist's avatar

If anyone knows more about women and rave music than me, it’s DJ RareDenver!
take it away gu-gu-guv-nah

RareDenver's avatar

I’ve found that when moving into a new place women need to ‘nest’ (this includes the putting everything in it’s place thing) this doesn’t make her reaction okay though.

Iarumas's avatar

There’s a meaning behind every action, you should just let it go and apologize then let her yell at you all she wants I suppose.

tinyfaery's avatar

Unacceptable, in my opinion. It think her reaction was rude and insensitive. But you both reacted inappropriately. Is this typical?

chyna's avatar

@Iarumas Why should he apologize? She started it by yelling at him for doing something that needed to be done. And she should be rewarded by letting her yell some more?

Iarumas's avatar

@chyna This sounds just like the relationship between my parents, this method seemed to work best.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Not an SO, but my aunt was like this. It was confusing to me when I was a kid; very crazy-making. I felt like I was on eggshells all the time and never did anything right, so I feel your pain.

Remember, though, whatever she said or however she behaved, it had nothing to do with you, so do your level best to not take it personally, breathe and be calm. Not for her, but for your own sake and that will help.

Later, when she’s calmed down, tell her that you feel confused and upset when she goes off like that. Maybe knowing that will get you both to a resolution. At the very least you will have told her how you’re feeling.

NaturalMineralWater's avatar

I’ve already apologized for what I said but than she immediately got pissy because the dryer wasn’t hooked up yet. I had planned on doing it.. I was just busy unpacking. I can only get walked on for so long. I think I’m a patient person.. but I’m running out of it.

faye's avatar

I used to be very territorial. is it because she’s moving into Your house? or is she stressed to the max about something else. should have had some drinks made, maybe. sounds hurtful to me

NaturalMineralWater's avatar

@faye It is our house.. courtesy of the US Army.. my employer.

faye's avatar

@NaturalMineralWater then i kinda wonder why you were doing this by yourself. maybe she works at the gym?

NaturalMineralWater's avatar

@faye No I didn’t do it all by myself. She has been unpacking during the weekdays too while I was at work. I was just trying to help as I am home for the weekend. There are plenty of boxes to unpack and I had long since unpacked my 3 or 4 possessions from the stack.

Val123's avatar

Something I noticed @NaturalMineralWater is that you don’t seem to sure of this relationship all the way around. In your detail you said she was “at the gym and.. well.. who knows what else”

NaturalMineralWater's avatar

@Val123 There is a lot of history. Much of it is here on fluther. I’m not totally innocent.. in fact a lot of the problems I’ve had are completely my fault. But I’m trying to move on. I’m trying to be better. Helping out today was part of that. I had just hoped it would be received better.

Haleth's avatar

It sounds like she’s just looking for excuses to rant and rave. From your posts, she got mad about the packing, yelled at the kids, and yelled at you about the dryer. She’s way out of line.

rooeytoo's avatar

I don’t know all the past history but I will tell you how I feel. If there were things that only you could do (like maybe hook up the dryer) then I would have appreciated if you had done those things first. If she is super sensitive then your unpacking and doing things she could do herself instead of what only you can do, that could be construed as criticism. That is a bit of a stretch but if life is tense to begin with, it could be. I probably would prefer to put the things that I primarily use in places where i want them.

I will give you an example of what happens in my life that is similar. Because we live in the middle of nowhere I do most of the grocery shopping when I go in town. Everything has to be put in leak proof plastic bags and packed in the cooler, then unpacked when I get home. My husband always wants to help with the unpacking but he just grabs anything and puts it anywhere then when I want it I can’t find it. I wish he would say to me what can I do to help or where would you like this to go? I have suggested it but he gets hurt/pissed that I don’t appreciate his effort. See what I mean??? If I bitch I sound ungrateful but the fact is, its not help if it makes my life more difficult in the long run.

I would say it sounds like some counseling would help you both. I always try to remember that I really was head over heels in love with this person at one point in time and this is still the same person and maybe it is a question of how I am looking at them that is different.

Not preaching to you mate, but a third objective opinion is often helpful (meaning talk to a counselor, not what I am saying.)

RareDenver's avatar

@rooeytoo similar situation, when we do a big load of shopping the wife puts everything away and my job is to stay the hell out of the way, it’s just the way we work.

rooeytoo's avatar

@RareDenver – it all amounts to a dance I think, with very intricate steps that must be delicately executed so that no one’s toes get trampled! But in the long run, when you are sitting in the back yard enjoying a moment of camaraderie and peace, it is all worthwhile.

RareDenver's avatar

@rooeytoo so worth it, I am a very happily married man, just looking at my wife sleeping on the sofa next to me now, she’s been very epileptic today and I’ve had to look after her, she looks so peaceful now that I almost don’t want to wake her to tell her it’s time for bed

NaturalMineralWater's avatar

@rooeytoo Must it be such a delicate dance? Do I have to walk around on pins and needles and guess what she’s thinking? If that’s the case then I’d rather just tip my king and be single. LOL

In all seriousness.. I see where you’re coming from but.. I find it a bit difficult to let that justify the bitch session I received.

I know we need an impartial third party to set us straight… I guess I’m just reluctant because as a kid I went to just such an impartial third party and I’m hard pressed to see a modicum of benefit as a result.

rooeytoo's avatar

@NaturalMineralWater – no it is definitely not good to have to walk on pins and needles but somehow that seems different than a choreographed dance where everyone knows their part and respects their partners part as well.

I understand how you feel about a third party, but I try to look at it this way, I go to a doctor, plumber, accountant and flight instructor, because I am not expert in those fields. So when my relationship needs help I go to the damned counselor because hopefully they are the expert in refereeing disputes.

Good luck.

NaturalMineralWater's avatar

@rooeytoo I can understand the whole dance concept but this was like opting out of the dance and pushing me onto the floor. xD

We will end up going to counseling and in time my reluctance will likely fade… I hope. Thanks for the thoughtful insight.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

Some women really are nesters or want to be the know-it-alls for everything in the home which isn’t the worst thing in the world except you didn’t realize this about her, she probably hasn’t owned up she enjoys being a control freak, you thought you were doing something great and helpful to be appreciated for and she flipped out because you ruined her ‘ritual’ of settling in. Lay down together, hug, laugh at one another and move along.

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