If your spouse had been pretty recently unfaithul, would you trust him with female friends?

I think you know the answers, to these questions, and maybe just want confirmation. DTMA.—dump the mf already-

Your initial question- Would I trust him with female friends- is different than the body of your q. My answer would be “probably” for the original question. I also don’t have a spouse, though.
But what you describe is different. This is not a man who is working on regaining your trust or on rebuilding and strengthening your union. This is a man who is treating you like he thinks you’re a moron. Prove him wrong.

Kick him to the curb.

My ex, I should’ve left the first time she was unfaithful, but I thought I felt something & she continued a few other times.

This guy sounds like he’s trying to be slick, but what you describe sounds obvious, so I agree with @Likeradar and you should “Prove him wrong.”

He sounds like a total dog. He’s obviously lying and using you. It’s people that cheat and lie straight to their spouses face about that really get to me; it’s pathetic. You can do much better than this schmuck. Tell him to hit the road and move on.

I agree with @trailsillustrated. TRUST YOUR GUT. It is seldom wrong, and it sounds like you already know that he is not being trustworthy. Don’t waste anymore time on someone who does not respect you and put your feelings first. Put yourself first! You deserve nothing but the best!! Don’t accept anything less than that, and kick him to the curb. Prove to him you aren’t going to be walked all over. I guarantee there is someone out there for you who will treat you well.

If he gets away with it once, what is to stop him from doing it again if there’s no repercussions?

Lets do an overview:

He has a history of affairs.
He has intimate sexual pix of himself on his phone and they were not for your benefit.
He is contacting at least one woman 5x a day.

The latest one to me is the most disturbing. 5x a day means extreme intimacy.

After reading all this I have no question as to what he is up to but I do have questions for you.

Why do you think you deserve this type of treatment?

Why are you not with someone who respects and loves you enough to commit to you the way you have to them?

You know the answer in your heart. You’re gut is telling you the truth. You don’t want to believe it, but you know. Listen to you’re gut, and make all future decisions with you’re eyes wide open. Don’t deceive yourself. Don’t try to get him to admit what’s going on. It is just not in his nature. He can’t tell the truth.
You have to decide for yourself if these circumstances are acceptable.

In the words of the Famous Amittville Horror ghost…...GET OUT!

I would trust my friends or they wouldn’t be my friends.

You didn’t say if you have children or not?

Trust your instincts – they are not wrong. We can all see this clearly because we have no emotional attachment to the situation. Try and re-read your post as if you didn’t write it (or use @Dog‘s review).

What would you say to someone in your shoes?

You may have lost a husband -but don’t give up your integrity in the bargain. I’m really sorry you’re in this spot with such a despicable person, but you truly deserve better.

Also, I can’t help but assume you were looking through his cell phone for a reason….not a good sign.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It really doesn’t look good. As Judi says, I also think you know deep down what is going on, or at least what is about to happen. I think your next step is to start planning what you want to do with the rest of your life. Do you truly think you can continue in a marriage where there is no respect or trust?

I think now is the time for you to decide when and how you will spend the rest of your days, and make sure they are spent with someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve.

If you have kids and you’re staying in the realtionship for their sake, it is not a good life model for them to emulate when they are adults. And believe me, most kids do grow up to be at least somewhat like their parents

If you don’t have kids, then I woudn’t even think about it, just leave. It is so much better to be alone than to hate and pity the person you see when you look in the mirror.

Any partner that was unfaithful would no longer be my partner. I strongly believe “once a cheater always a cheater”.

Why is he still your spouse?

You must be very very careful in this time of trouble. Your peace of mind is the only thing that matters (along with any children involved). You must use this time wisely, lest you pass up opportunities that will help you later in court.

Start a journal immediately and document every event with as much detail as possible. Keep the emotions out of it… just the facts mam. Judges LOVE journals, clearly depicting you as the one with the clearest head and the ethical motives. Let your journal be your witness and the Judge will look at him as a blithering idiot.

Don’t complain to him any more. Just smile and wave as he digs his own grave. Don’t give him any further motive to suspect you are spying on him. Your job will be much easier with his guard down. Just let him do his thing and know he will pay the consequences later… soon enough.

I’d actually have fun with it. Make dinner plans far in advance and hope he forgets about it. Log the journal. Conveniently get a flat tire when he is “indisposed” and when he cannot assist… Log the journal.

Get as many of the bills in your name. Stash as much money away as you can behind the scenes… cash only. Smile and wave, greet him with joy and comfort. It will sting him all the more when you finally pull the plug.

Ask for sex a lot… Journal the refusals…
12–10-09 Too tired for sex
12–11-09 Too busy for sex

Be so kind it hurts… your shatter will become his shatter in spades… and all by his own hand, not yours. This is a tough and critical time for you. Use it wisely.

Keep your friends very close. Keep your enemies closer.

A better life awaits you. A mature companion is out there right now, waiting for you and only you.

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies ; I feel sorry for any bastard that tries to cheat on you!!!

@Judi

I don’t date dumb bastards. I date heartless bitches.

Listen to your woman’s intuition. It’s usually right.

Sounds like you’ve allowed him to manipulate you into thinking that he’s the victim. Cut that shit out, and listen to the people on this thread. Make sense of the situation: does this sound like a rational question at all?

“Do you have a sister?” . . .

. . . is the quip I would make if you didn’t so desperately need to hear the words, “SHOW THIS ASSHOLE THE DOOR!”, over and over again until it clicks.

He’s clearly having some kind of sexual relationship with another woman. It might be an online relationship, or it might be a real life relationship.

You tried to fix this once, but here you are, in the same situation. Did you do any couples counseling the first time? Or did he just promise to change his ways and leave it at that?

Do you still want to have the relationship? Or are you done? If you want to try to fix it, then you have to get into counseling together. There’s a reason he’s doing what he’s doing, and saying “he’s a cheater” doesn’t begin to explain why he is doing what he’s doing.

When I did that (including the underwear pix), I was desperate for closeness and sex with someone who really was into me, unlike my wife. I was too scared to ask my wife for what I really wanted. I thought if I asked her, we’d end up divorced.

We did end up in counseling and I had already told her what I’d been doing. Our therapist said that if it’s going to work, the guy (or woman) has to admit what he (or she) did. If they don’t, it’s just too much to get through. How any person can face such details like you’ve got and deny they are doing anything is beyond me. He must be horribly afraid of the truth. But what does he really want? Honestly, I have no clue. I eventually told the whole truth.

If you’re past that, then I think @RealEyesRealizeRealLies advice is pretty sound, so long as there are no kids. If there are kids, then you don’t want a horribly acrimonious divorce, if you can avoid it. Of course, many guys are real jerks, who won’t cooperate with anything, forcing you to take them to court, and stringing it out for years while they use up the resources.

So what do you want to do? This must be a horribly difficult time for you. It’s like a very slow death scene. You may or may not be ready for it. Oh hell, no one is ever ready for it. It’s just really hard. Line up support, if you can. Be prepared to be depressed. You’ll have a lot to fight through. Good luck. Come back here to ask any question you like. Maybe we can help.

Set him up! Oh hell that would be fun for you and all involved. If you don’t want to call Cheaters, then set him up with one of your girlfriends friends that he doesn’t know. Trust me dear, if he’s cheating on you then he’ll also cheat on the wench he’s cheating with. Oh man you gotta do this and post it all over the web!

Radio Shack has small recording devices and surveillance cameras. Or set him up at a public place and just walk in on him with video. The Jane can help testify as to the reality of the encounter.

You’d have fun, and also get your Moxy back where it belongs. Call him out and do everyone on the planet a favor by exposing a liar!

You can always forgive him, but then you’ll have to forget what happened too.. otherwise, you will never get over what happened..If you are asking this, is because you haven’t forgoten what he did to you, but you can decide to do it right now, and start from scratch.. or you can just let him go and find someone else for you.
To me, cheating is by far the most terrible betrayal, if it ever happened to me I would stop the relationship, but that’s just me.

Oh my stars….to quote Samantha Stevens.

First of all…..I know of what I speak….unfortunately. Trust him with your female friends?

I wouldn’t trust this man with a dozen donuts from “Krispy Kreme.”

He is not being truthful. His “friend” is not just a friend. Photos of him in his underwear? That you never got? That were deleted? Call it “Boxer-gate”. Hide your friends.

Let’s say….just for grins…that he has not slept with her. It’s not normal for a friend to call him at work five times a day. Read the book,“Emotional Infidelity”. You can still be
unfaithful without the sex. I have a lot of male platonic friends. I don’t send photos of them in my underwear. (They’d probably never talk to me again….:) I have two very close male friends, like brothers and every man I have dated, meet them and socialize with them. Do you know his friendly girl friends?

It took me a few spills to finally hone my “Cheater-dar”. It’s beeping “Code Red” on this one.

Be careful…you deserve so much better, you really, really, do.

@DarlingRhadamanthus ; I think you are going to be a wonderful asset to fluther!!

@Judi…........_Thanks I hope to aspire to the heights you’ve set! _ :)

Get out while you can. He doesn’t love you. He probably loves himself more than anything or anyone.

Don’t let fear based insecurity get the best of you. You are a special gift to. existence. Everything is going to be alright. I promise you. Everything is going to work out perfectly and you will be so happy very soon. Don’t be afraid. You will be so strong from this. I’m already seeing strength in you from this brave question you’ve shared. Live baby…. Live!

Even provided you could forgive the infidelity, you wouldn’t ever be able to forget it. The doubt and mistrust will eat at you little by little every day until you become a shell of what you formerly were. You already don’t trust him as you’re breaking privacy barriers and snooping around. There just doesn’t seem to be anything to go but down. You are wasting your time staying in this relationship.

I’m willing to bet $20 that he’s still screwing around or intending to do so eventually once you’re off his neck. Kick his ass to the curb, you deserve better than that.

I just looked at her profile. She is a stay at home mom with 4 kids. That makes things a lot more difficult. Not impossible, but difficult.

@Judi Good find. You are so right

Given this information I realize the practical realities make things more difficult then just walking away.

I would begin a paper trail as @realeyes mentioned and concentrate on enjoying and raising the kids as he sows his own divorce.

You do deserve better. Your kids really deserve a lot better too.

Four kids?!? – that’s really dispicable. What a schmuck he is.

@cprevite That was my first thought.

I’d like to make one point. I had been married for 10 years with absolutely no trust issues, no problems like that at all, when my husband began an affair. I filed for separation and it just ran it’s course. Then he wanted to get back together, so, reluctantly I agreed. I would have been willing to forgive him for his one indiscretion…but within the first two weeks he started up again with a different girl, and I filed for divorce immediately.

My point is, it is a little different if a boyfriend of a few months or a couple of years starts cheating you, vs a husband or wife who you’ve had children with, who you have built a life with, and who had always been faithful until that one moment…..what is that saying? One time, shame on you. Two times, shame on me.

OK @turtlegrrrl, enough about us and our fixes for your life. It’s your turn to talk, my turn to listen. You are hurting and need an outlet to express yourself… so air it out. Come on girl just get it all out and share your sorrow honey. I don’t want you to hurt… I hate that for you. You are important. Your feelings are important. So speak… Speak now!

@Judi….Wow….had not seen that….four children and at home….?

@turtlegrrl :

I am deeply sorry that you even have to be put through this sort of thing, turtlegrrl. I have been there (unfortunately) and it is one of the hardest things to go through. None of us here are standing in judgment ( I don’t think.) If I sounded flip, I didn’t mean to….it just burns me up when men mess about and are not truthful. I still stand by the fact that you do deserve to be respected and loved….loved dearly and faithfully.

Please know that we are here….if you need to vent, talk, share….whatever.

BTW I have a three month old son and a twelve year old from a previous disaster.

@turtlegrrrl Are you and/or your husband in counseling of any sort?

niether, but I am getting into it.

@turtlegrrrl ; glad you are back. Please let us know how things go for you. A lot of us here are really concerned for you and hope the best for you. You are in a very tough spot. It must be really hard.

Oh wow, guys…I am tearing up now! I didn’t think I had any more tears left, but these are bcause I am touched. Thank you:}
The past few days I have been devastated beyond belief, walking around on “automatic” taking care of my baby and 12 year old. My husband has been sleeping on the couch and hasn’t even attempted to talk to me about anything, which is good because I can’t really think of anything I want to say to him. There really isn’t anything left to say. He’s perfectly aware of what he’s doing and doesn’t care one bit about what he’s doing to me or anyone else. Especially his son, which truthfully h\makes me the maddest.
We have been together for almost twelve years, during which time other women have regularly popped up into his life. It is a routine with him (one that I no longer care to share in): things go well, he becomes more distant, indifferent, as cold as ice, stops talking, he begins treating my older son and I cruelly and nastily, and I start finding evidence of female “friends”.
Lately he has been very involved with facebook, erases all of his phone messages, texts like mad constanty, has begun using mulitple email addresses, changed the passwords on our mutual accounts and locked me out of our tmobile account. While I don’t think he’s physically done anything it’s just a matter of time. In our life together it was always what he wants, when he wants, how he wants, etc. I live in HIS world. There is no OUR world. He believes that since he works and I am a stay-at-home mom, his opnion counts and mine doesn’t. This also is much worse now.
Three months ago I had a disastrous C-section and had cervical cancer
removed after a enduring a very,very difficult pregnancy. While my husband has never been a sympathetic man whenever I am unwell (which is frequent as I am not now and have never been a very healthy person), but this is markedly worse. I think if I were to die he’d be relieved, but even if I had ten different kinds of cancer I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction; if I had to I’d become a zombie and drag my dead body around each day before giving in!
The worst part of all of this is what he is doing to the new baby boy he professes to love: he won’t even be able to remember what it was like to have his parents living together in the same house. How can he do this to his own son??

@turtlegrrrl Oh honey, I felt terrible reading your last post.
Please remember that you do not need to spend your life with this sorry excuse for a man- and he does not deserve you.
The best gift you can give your children is a content, available mother whether or not she shares a home with their father.

Oh @turtlegrrrl I am so, so terribly sorry. I am so sorry. It’s true, your son won’t remember what it’s like, but in a way that’s better than knowing, then losing it…...please stay in touch and let us know how things go.

@turtlegrrrl You have been through a lot more than most of us. You are a very strong person, and you are strong for your children. Now, you have to be strong for yourself. Your husband does not deserve what a beautiful, caring person you are. Like @Likeradar said, the best thing you can give your children is their loving mother whether or not your husband is involved. It is his loss that he is missing out on the incredible wife and children he has. My prayers to you and your children.

(((((big teary hugs))))) to all of you. You are helping me tremendously. I have been packing his shit all day and into the evening…when he rolls his eyes at what I’m doing and says nada. He’s so full of himself that don’t think he believes I’ll really throw his sorry ass out. But here goes!!!!!

@turtlegrrrl ; This could be messy. It is very nice of you to pack his stuff, but do you have a plan for how you are actually going to get him out? Be careful here my friend. Don’t do anything that is going to make you look like the crazy out of control person. Get a plan. I am sure that people here may have ideas for a plan. We just don’t want to see you and the kids get hurt.

Do you have family? Do you have friends and neighbors.Do you have support from the local groups who help with abused mothers? Do you have a lawyer? Do you know how to dial 911 fast if he should flip out? Be careful.

This is not an action you should do alone, particularly with young children.

All our prayers and good wishes are nice for your morale but will not help when the moment arrives.

Agreed with all….tread carefully.

Good luck and don’t take him back ever. He doesn’t deserve you or his family. I was in a similar situation, and once I realized that my ex-wife would never be honest, it was full speed ahead towards divorce. It’s hard to deal with the idea that someone you love has no respect for you and you wonder why, but that question will never be truthfully answered. I ask myself almost everyday that question, whether I am with my kids or not, but it will never be answered. Best of luck to you, and hopefully better luck with love in your future.