Why do I feel severely depressed?

You may not discover exactly why you are depressed, but you do not have to remain depressed. Depression is very treatable and a great deal is known about it. Seek out some competent assistance, and stop suffering.

Seek out help, post-haste. Stop doing this to yourself.

^^ What they said. Can you talk to a chaplain or someone on the medical staff for the assistance that you need?

@Moegitto
Some or all of this will help you. It is hard work to deal with depression, and it is easiest not to. Sometimes we take life to seriously, and sometimes not seriously enough.

Do NOT get used to being depressed. Don’t accept it as a part of you. It might sound silly to say this, but you don’t have to be depressed, and you don’t deserve to be.

There are many women who would love you, if they had the chance to. The only way to give them the chance is to let them get to know you. It will happen easier if you like and respect yourself.

•Get yourself to a therapist.
Just fucking do it. If you are not comfortable with that therapist, get another one. Don’t just drop it. If you feel better, continue to see that therapist.
This is not a solution for everything, it will not make you happy. What it will do is help you find a way, a direction. Therapists help you with the map and compass, but you’ll do the driving.

•Talk to people, especially when you don’t want to, when you feel bad. Just as reading in quantity is quality, talking is the same. It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to talk about anything special. Small talk with a lot of people. Especially strangers.

•Keep training. It is great that you keep your body busy. It needs it, and if your body feels healthy, it affects your state of mind. Mind and body go hand in hand.

•Pick out a challenge. Something that scares you or something you always wanted to do. Accomplishments is a gift of respect to yourself.

•Talk to your family. If they don’t want to listen, make them. “This is how I feel..”

There are times of ups and downs in life. And things will get better, if you don’t accept being depressed. It doesn’t matter what you do with you life. You can live your life any way you want.

But you need to respect yourself. You deserve to.

It seems clear to me that the reason “why” you are depressed is because of the memories that you currently have. If you had different memories, you would have a different outlook on life, since, what is life but a series of memories? Clearly without your memories, the universe as you know it wouldn’t exist.

Now, you just listed a long list of every bad thing you remember about yourself. Obviously these are the biggest most pertinent memories you’ve ever created in your existence so far. These memories shape your opinions and perspective of “reality.”

But imagine someone who isn’t depressed. Realize the fact that they don’t have all your memories bogging them down. realize that they have completely OTHER accomplishments and ideas and history which fills their heads. Realize that if they had the exact same memories pressing against their consciousness as you do, that it would absolutely affect their mood.

These memories are beating your ass down every day. Those memories serve as the popular kids and bullies of your mind and they need to be overthrown by bigger, more popular, more significant OTHER memories.

You’ll always have access to these old memories, but you need to have more pertinent memories that are positive to dwell on.

Social vs Anti-Social Behaviour

Social is what you need. Social is what you want.
Anti-social is what you don’t want. Anti-social is what you’ve been doing too much.

Playing videogames is anti-social. If you are confined to your home or room playing videogames alone, that is the complete opposite of where you want to be. You want to be (or learn to be) social.. good with people.. funny.. encouraging.. witty.. socially useful.

You have to learn to become this. And you cannot do that sitting at home alone playing videogames. You have to do research and you have to get out there and try to live this new life. There will be failures along the way that are necessary for you to learn from. They are the milestones of the road to the new you. Get out there and get them over with. A year from now, you won’t be ABLE to make those mistakes again, so enjoy them while you can.

Learn to be self-deprecating in a way that makes others laugh with you. Learn to tell jokes well. Learn to get drunk and have a great time without making a complete ass of yourself. Learn to dance. Learn to cook. Learn to get along with other people.

Fill your head with huge new positive memories.
Make a list of positive things you remember every day before bed.
And yea, go see a shrink too. Tell him/her what you want to accomplish and ask for help and advice on how to achieve it.

I think that at this point in history, the military would have no problem getting you treatment for depression. You could possibly find great relief with a simple anti depressant, although therapy to work out your family issues could help too.

There was a piece on the radio last night about why servicemen don’t get psychological help. They believe they will be marginalized and then dismissed from the service. In the military culture, everyone has to be tough, and anyone who gets mental health care isn’t touch, and therefore is not trustworthy. A real soldier sucks it up.

Of course, this is a very dysfunctional attitude. But that’s the reality. You could try to get help while you’re in uniform, but you would have to be prepared for the marginalization. You may end up in civilian life, and so you may want to think about how to find a job (preferably not anywhere near your home town) out in the civilian world.

Depression is hard to deal with on your own. But don’t let that kill you. Get help before it gets that bad. Remember, suicide is about how bad you feel, and about the belief that the pain will never end. It is about wanting to be loved and fearing you will never be lovable, and even if you are, you won’t find someone to love you.

What can I say? Sometimes I’m ready to end it. I tell myself these things. I do have help, and it’s still hard. I keep doing things that make it worse.

These ideas are just thoughts. You don’t have to pay attention to them. You can do something else. You can get help from mindfulness training, which you might find through a meditation center. That will help you. So will yoga. These things will also help you meet people.

I think you should also ask people what it is that bothers them about you. Don’t take it personally. Take is as something to work on. They’ve pointed out your body, but your personality may need help, too. Don’t be afraid to ask. You want to fix things and give yourself a chance. Do it!

@daloon ; you said “Remember, suicide is about how bad you feel, and about the belief that the pain will never end. It is about wanting to be loved and fearing you will never be lovable, and even if you are, you won’t find someone to love you,”
I don’t think that’s true in every case. I think my first husband who did commit suicide knew he was loved, he just couldn’t handle feeling the way he was feeling any more. He didn’t feel deserving of our love somehow.

Don’t worry it will get better, We live for the After life in Heaven, I used to be suicidal, and currently I am depressed alot, but what keeps me trying in life is my faith in god. And my Friends, and especially I fear if I killed my self, how bad my Biologicial Mother would feel. I cant Risk My life because crap happens, because good things happen too.

You need to focus on good times and let the fun/good things last, Go visit your family, im sure they do miss you. And try to keep God in your mind, He doesn’t hate you. He doesn’t exactlly control life, he controls Existence.

And the girlfriend thing, here’s a tip don’t make your standards to high, if she is ugly but you like her personality.. thats good, these days people take women and claim them like Smoking hot Blond Trophies :P Um..sorry about that.

Review.. *Faith in God | A Good Future | Keep standards at your level

GA, @oratio! What you wrote was well thought-out, compassionate, and thorough. When you’re dealing with depression, in a way it can be hard to think about all the things you should be doing, and aren’t. It’s like a mountain of things that need to be done. @Moegitto, you’re already doing good things for yourself by working out. Try to set small, doable goals for yourself. It can be really tough to be depressed, especially if you’re in the military. I have a friend who is dealing with issues like this, and he has trouble fitting in on-base and meeting people who share his interests in the civilian community. He’s taking it step by step to treat the depression and do things for himself that make him happier.

It’s great that you’re talking to someone, even if you’re just asking us on fluther. Even if you think there’s nobody in your life you can talk to, there’s always someone- chances are it just might be someone you haven’t talked to in a while. Family members usually hear each other out seriously over stuff like this, even if they don’t get along very well. Just let someone know that you want some help, because it’s really tough dealing with this stuff by yourself. It’s a lot easier to have relationships if you don’t close yourself off to people.

@Judi Yes. Yes.

It’s confusing. I knew I was loved (at least, on some level), but I didn’t believe it, really. What I thought was the only thing that would help would be more and more love. I don’t know if there is enough love in the world for me, but that’s what I thought.

In any case, I shouldn’t have said it like a sweeping generalization. I do believe it is true in a general way for everyone, but certainly it doesn’t play out the same way for everyone.

You said ”He didn’t feel deserving of our love somehow.”

I felt that same way. I still do, at times. Somewhere, deep inside, I know I’m unlovable. I know it. But at the same time, I want it so badly, that whenever I can, I try to get it. The mania is really good for that, because I feel so powerful and confident, and that works.

But at the same time as I know I’m unlovable, I also think that I would love me, if I didn’t hate myself. I have this idea that I’m a good person who may mess up a lot, but I’m essentially a person who really tries. But I also know I’m doomed to fail, and I will hurt people, and fuck it up really badly, and then I can’t forgive myself for that, and then I’m unlovable. Being unlovable is safe, because it kind of cushions all the other disappointments.

But when I’m depressed, I set out to hurt people in order to drive them away. Really, I’m hoping they won’t go. I’m hoping they can save me. But I feel so awful, and the only way I can explain this horribleness is to believe that I am essentially evil. Which I am. Except that I know that’s a lie. But it’s how I feel. And why can’t you see that? Why can’t you see that you need to be rid of me? Why can’t you see that I“m holding you back and I’m bad for the children and that every fucking thing is my fault and if you would only kick me out, it would be better and I could go die quietly and unlamented after spending some time being homeless.

Do you see the weird logic of it? It all comes from pain. An utterly, unbelievably black pain. For some people it makes the world look foggy and darkness seems to be creeping in wherever you look. And that pain, which is unreasoning and also implacable, makes us do all kinds of mental tricks to justify it. I can’t feel this bad for no reason. So I make up a reason, and the reason is me.

If you haven’t been there, you can’t possibly imagine. For 51 years of my life, I had no clue. I judged all those depressed people, and wondered why they just couldn’t get it together and get out of it.

So when I felt it, I blamed myself. I was an absolute failure of a human being, and if you can’t see it, I’ll show you. I’ll check out, and you’ll see how much better off you are. And all the while I’m hoping someone will show me it’s not true. But I put so many obstacles in their way, that they almost always give up. But when they do give up, it proves my point.

Depression is like a Kline bottle of defeat. A Kline bottle is a topological space where the inside is the outside, and vice versa. It only has one continuous space that is trapped inside itself. Imagine yourself believing the worst of yourself, and every time you think you’ve found the exit, you find yourself right back where you started. It can not be defeated!

But it can be irrelevant. It’s so not the point. And when I can do that, I can get some relief from the jangling nerves in my stomach and the weight on my shoulders and the pounding inside my head. It’s just not the point. Doing something else is. Like maybe writing these words so others can understand. But let’s not think about that, because praise isn’t the point, either. Doing life is what you do if you want to make the undefeatable darkness beside the point.

Although, I have to say, the depression is seductive. I’ll bet that sounds crazy, but there are times, like maybe now, that I choose it. But I have a reason for this one. When I feel it, I can talk about it. I think—hope, anyway—that my words are more convincing when they come from this place A thought which conjures up all kinds of inside-out thoughts, where good is bad and vice versa endlessly through time, until I can’t stand it and I stop it all forever. Let’s not go there, ok? Everything I create, I destroy. Everything I destroy, I create. Just so I can destroy myself, over and over and…. kind of reminds me of Kali…

Don’t know if this will be of any help but here it goes, it’s worked for me. Take these 26yrs that have disappointed you and weigh them against the next 50 or so yrs that you are in control now and shape to be whatever is best for you, what you want. The years coming belong to you. Sometimes your family aren’t the people you should put your energy into, confide to, look to for support or trust. Start building your own family from friends, start making quality friends, don’t worry about how church makes you feel. If you believe in a god then that’s between you and that god, everyone else, the buildings, the texts, the social hierarchies- put them farther out in proximity, keep what’s working for you closest and build it up from there to where the other things don’t sting you so badly. If you’re in the military then you have access to medical doctors and therapists, go now and tell them how you’re feeling because you must take care of yourself and also the others you serve with.

People verbally say, “fat” and “ugly”, or is this just your perception of what you think people think and say about you?

I have dealt with a negative self – image for years. I have found myself thinking, “no one loves me, everyone hates me, I am so stupid”, on and on…but it was only a negative fantasy I was creating in my head.

Moeqitto, there are people who do love you and care about you, but you refuse to see it. I like you already and don’t even know you [I mean that]...you have one in your corner.

Extra: “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly…” Proverbs 18:24
Sometimes we (you and me, kid) make it difficult for people to befriend us because of our unfriendly disposition. We can’t expect a potential friend to break into our man-cave and interrupt our video game to become our friend. We have to “shew ourself friendly” – get out and make a friend.

I know this goes against who you are, but it is what it is. My field of work, as a minister, has forced me to be “friendly” to people. I don’t love people any more now than I have in the past, but I had to change the way I deal with people. Before, I would be content to sit in the back of the church and remain invisible. That was fine with me because ‘every one hates me anyway’ – right? Now, I make it a point to shake everyone’s hand and say, “hello”. I have learned that if I neglect to shake someone’s hand they just might think that I have a problem with them or don’t like them. Wow, now the shoe is on the other foot.

@valdasta Your a Minister? I’m going to add you, Christ is something so big to hold on to with Believe, with some extra help, I’ll remain faithful to the lords way.