What would you do if you fall in love with a barren women?

Are you seriously considering terminating the relationship because she can’t produce children?

…What would I do? I would allow myself to love her and adopt if I wanted kids that bad.

If it is important to you to have biological children you can still use your sperm for a baby. Even if you married a woman who you thought was fertile, she might wind up not. These things can be hard to predict.

What holden said.

Barren? That sounds so Biblical. You mean she may be infertile? So was my ex wife, and we have 12-year-old twins thanks to IVF.

adopt?

Is this something you really need to ponder? If you love her, or believe you will lover her, it should mean nothing.

For some people that is important.

Apparently you do not love her that much.

Third date? Is that where you’re at now? Or are you into the “serious relationship” phase yet?

Early on (first few dates) you can afford to be picky. Don’t sweat it. Go elsewhere if you want.

In a “serious relationship”, though, I gotta think you’ve got a lot in common. That she’s good for you in a lot of ways. If you’re that far along and thinking of getting out now, I’m gonna wonder if it’s not the infertility thing, but something else… and you’re just looking for a convenient excuse to get out.

If you are gonna move on, make sure you act quickly. It’s not fair to string her along, regardless of your underlying motivation.

If you love her, just keep loving her. My brother dated a woman who, because of a disability could not have children. They have now been married 13 years and have two beautiful children. That. Simple.

Honestly @Ranimi23, not to sound too harsh here, but if her being unable to have children is a deal breaker for you, she is not the right woman to begin with.

I do want kids some day. Maybe not NOW, but I want them to be mine :-/
Is that a bad thinking?

I don’t blame her at all. The anorexic made her the women I like…

lolwut

@Ranimi23 wrote, “The anorexic made her the women I like…”

I won’t be navigating off this page for a while now.

If not being able to have ‘your own’ children is a deal-breaker for you, then she’s not the right woman for you. If she isn’t enough for you (because she can’t reproduce) then you are not the right man for her. It’s a two-way street.

Add- This isn’t about whether how you feel is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. Nor is it about whether I agree with you or not.

@gemiwing lurve for making a great point.

If you’re even asking this question, you’re not “In Love” with her.

I know its not the question, but how can being anorexic make a person infertile?

She deserves someone who will love and accept her for who she is. If you are unable to do that, you two are not meant to be.

BTW, what do you mean about anorexia making her the woman you like? I am hoping you mean what she went through helped her grow as a person?

I totally agree with @gemiwing. It’s not meant to be.

And just so you know, you may meet another woman and fall in love, get married and years down the road of trying for a biological child, you find out she cannot bear children, or you can’t. Most people find out that way. It’s not a guarantee that you’ll marry someone able to reproduce. Also, there are a lot of things that go into a marriage. What if one day your wife gets debilitating depression? Or cancer? Or is in a near fatal car crash and is paralyzed? I completely understand wanting biological children, but when you marry it’s “for better or for worse”. That may be something you need to consider.

Love is one thing, but @Ranimi23 is a human and it is instinctual to want to reproduce.

We had 9 viewing here, folks, a moment ago.

Waiting to hear what @Ranimi23 meant by this comment:

“The anorexic made her the women I like…”

Celebrate. I don’t want kids anyway. That just simplifies.
If you’re desperate, you can still adopt. Adopted kids are just as good.

If you have the idea that you want children that are “your own” then please never adopt. Never, ever adopt.

Also, if this is a deal breaker, then just break up with her but please, don’t tell her why.

I meant the “disease” made her a very mature person with a very good thinking about what is important in life and future, which is the same as mine

If you love her, then marry her and consider adoption or surrogacy or childlessness. However, if you want children that are “your own” then for her sake go find someone else and skip the idea of adoption. Let her find someone who will love her, not what she might be able to do for them.

We adopted children. We do not share genetics, but they are still “our own” children and have been since they were first put in our arms. Even if we both would have known that together we would not be able to make our own children we would still have married.

well the fact that you had to come on here to decide makes me think how much do you actually like her. If you want kids, you can sttill use you sperm, or you can adopt a child. Think of what it must be like for her to have this hanging over her, wondering what your gonna say. Don’t delay too long!

take in to consideration that there is a strong possibility that you want these children to be genetically related to you because of some outdated instinct that is no longer useful to us as a species.

do you have any real objective reasons for wanting to pass on your genes? if the desire is simply to feed some psychological need for obtaining some kind of immortality status, maybe you can look in to other ways of achieving that.

This shouldn’t be a dealbreaker. If it is, you may want to consider whether something else is wrong with the relationship.
Also, if this is only the third date, you have a long way to go before worrying about that sort of thing.

If it is important to him to have his own biological children, then it is important to him. His life. I have no problem with people pointing out other ways of having children and maybe suggesting he question if it is important that they are bilogically his, but I do have a problem with people saying there is something wrong or selfish with wanting your own biological children. It seems part of nature and innate to want biological children.

@JLeslie Good Answer.

@poisonedantidote ”… some outdated instinct that is no longer useful to us as a species.” Who are you to so inelaborately discredit the usefulness of human instincts?

Not everyone wants biological children. If this is really important to you, you have two choices: you can find a woman who is more likely to conceive, and have the life you envisioned. Your girlfriend will find another who is not so concerned with having his own children. Or, you can find a surrogate mother, who will use your sperm to conceive a child—it is yours biologically and your girlfriend (wife) will adopt the child. My cousins did this (although they did then conceive later, anyway—so they had two kids). I understand you wanting to have your own child. You may just love the woman too much to leave her—that is what you will have to decide.

There is this thing called adoption…look into it.

I feel like, if you really love her, there are options and ways to have children. It may not be the way you originally envisioned, but there are options. I agree with @JLeslie, but, being a lesbian, I also have a different viewpoint than most. What I mean is I understand the sadness and disappointment that comes from not being able to have a baby with your partner (or at least a baby that shares genetic material from both parents).

My wife had a hysterectomy shortly after we got married due to endometriosis, and now we have three beautiful children!

ivf

“She told me this at our third date. We knew it was going towards a serious relationship. She gave me time to be with myself, to think and decide what I want to do and decide if I want to continue with our relationship.”
So it sounds like you haven’t talked to her since then? Man, she must feel awful. She made a really brave decision by telling you so early on. And how do you know that you don’t shoot blanks? Impregnated anyone recently? Your views on this make me think that if it ever came time to talk about kids with this woman, you’d feel resentful towards her, which sucks for a marriage. If you adopted kids, would you always feel that they’re not “your own? You should only go forward with this relationship if you truly think you can accept this.

It just occurred to me that we can’t rule out the possibility that the woman in question lied about her sterility in an underhanded effort to get out of the potential relationship / dating situation.

On this platform, she could have also lied about it as a “test” or “obstacle” in an effort to ensure that she would be dating a nice, accepting guy.

I married an infertile woman, especially after the tubal ligation. Best thing I ever did. Who the hell needs kids when you have the love of your life? I’m not a big fan of children anyway, but most people know that.

Like cats, kids are trouble and can screw up a marriage. boy, I bet I’ll get a shitload of grief for that little personal opinion.

No gay guys can have kids of their own without envitro or adoption…

They still date.

@Psychedelic_Zebra Cats are not even half as whiny as children. Add that to your book ;)

I may be entirely off the mark, but judging from @Ranimi23‘s comments and misuse of the English language I get the feeling that he is not a native speaker and/or belongs to a culture that places a high value on women’s ability to have children.

@holden you are right. I’m not a native speaker. Sorry for the bad english, trying to do my best :(

@Ranimi23 you’re doing very well. There are lot’s of non-native speakers on fluther, so you’re not alone.

On your third date? Hmm.
Adopt. There isn’t any other answer. Love is love, right?

@Ranimi23 Do you live in the US? I was just wonder if the country you are in is very accepting of adoption? And, your English is very good, don’t be self conscious about it. @holden good observation.

I am not trying to be mean, but the question seems to reveal some immaturity. It may be your religious beliefs or culture that places a high value on children and/or family, but if a relationship can be ended on the mere fact of infertility, you will most likely have other problems and issues with women about things that are beyond their control.

Have you checked yourself out at the doctor? Maybe you are sterile.

What about invitro fertilization? (sp?)

@Psychedelic_Zebra if kids can ruin your marriage, your marriage sucked. period.

You should examine why you need to have a biological link to your children and weigh how important next to the intensity of your love for a ‘barren’ woman…the answer should be simple

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Or perhaps, if kids can ruin your marriage, you’re not a “kid person”.

what valdasta said! Do you know you are fertile? Maybe it’s a moot point

@Sarcasm nah…you can still learn you’re not a kid person without having to ruin your marriage

Cloning is so the answer! :3

Take a step in the time, I would say. Don’t give up love because of a thing like that. You can adopt, have a surrogat, or no children at all. Medical science make wonderful strides every day as well. It not unlikely that it will be possible to rebuild an ovary or splice raw dna.

Give it time. If this is real love, I say it is too precious to just let go. But that’s just me. Follow your heart.

It’s about determing what’s important to you. There is nothing wrong with wanting your own biological children. I don’t want children, and as such I would never be in a relationship with someone with dreams of a big family. You simply have to determine if something is too important to you to just let go. I think you can love someone without being compatible with them. If having biological children is a must, you aren’t a bad person, it’s just how you feel.

Only you can really decide how important an issue it is to you. As others have said, there is no right or wrong. If it is a “dealbreaker” for you, you probably should end the relationship sooner rather than later.

Blech. Supposed to be ..at a time. I wish people would correct my Engrish.

@oratio As requested, “English” – but I know that’s just a typo.

@janbb :p Thank you, but no, not a typo. Sometimes, I speak full fledged Engrish. http://www.engrish.com/ But I appreciate the response. It would be great to be corrected. I’ve never been, and finding my spelling errors after I can’t edit it anymore, just kills me. Sometimes I write really weird sentences.

If you have to ask whether or not you should stay with her, you must not be in love. If I had just found out today that my fiancé was infertile and most likely would never be able to get me pregnant, I would be very sad, but leaving him wouldn’t even cross my mind. Life throws you curve balls sometimes. You just learn to deal with it and make the best of things. There are always other options available.

The only problem is sterility? That’s nothin! If that’s her only downside, if you can even call that a downside, then stay with her.

Seems as if you don’t want a partner for life, you want a brood bitch.

Just like Charlie and Diana.

Give the woman a break and tell her to find someone who can love her soul, not her ovaries.

@Supacase and all:
What I said is that what she had as a young girl made her the GREAT person she is now. I never met a women on her age that is so mature, so sincere, so reliable and I know, it’s the first time ever, there is a girl out there that LOVE ME more than ever before :-(

That kind of charming personality you don’t meet every day. The Anorexia caused her to become that women I know.

Who knows…. You might not have swimmers. It might not be possible for you to have your own children. Something to think about.

@Ranimi23: I’ve noticed that you’re carefully avoiding the actual subject. Why do you care so much about her being able to have children?

Edit to add: That is to say, why is the fact that she may not bear biological children such a big issue that you are considering ending the relationship you have with her?

I want my own children, it is important to me and to my family. I love kids and I want them to be my OWN genes and not others. I also know about a couple who adopted 2 kids but I see it is different, no matter how much they say it’s not.

@Ranimi23: Okay, so, with all of the options for you to have your OWN children why do you want to break up with her?

If it is so important to you why are you asking, set the woman free, let her find someone who is interested in her spirit not solely in her biological capacity to reproduce.

If it is so important to you, you would probably always harbor a resentment towards her even if you decided to keep her despite the fact she is barren.

The kids can only be mine, not hers :-(
She can not give eggs if that is the question.

@Ranimi23 You need to get checked and make sure you have sperm motility before you insist that having your OWN children is the main thing. Again, you might not be able to have your OWN children. It might be you, not anyone else. This is something you definitely need to think about before you go making life decisions based on someone else’s fertility.

@Psychedelic_Zebra: I for one applaud your decision not to have children. The only people who should have children are those who are willing and able to take care of them. If you aren’t, good for you for knowing it. Enjoy yourself.

@Ranimi23 If it is so important then be greatful you know early in the relationship and move on.

@Ranimi23 If you know you want your own children, then you must find a woman who is fertile and have children with her. Say goodbye to the girlfriend—she is not the one for you.

This is not an easy thing for a woman to deal with. I am 33yrs old and recently married to my 2nd husband and soulmate. I have a biological child from my first marriage. Having my daughter almost killed me and her and it was a major ordeal to just make it to one day short of 32 weeks. I have been advised by doctors not to have anymore children because at this point my body could not handle another pregnancy. I was very open with my husband regarding this. He also has 2 biological children. I love his children as though they were my own and will be adopting them. I want the same things for them that I want for my daughter. For us there will be no child that shares our genes. We discussed this early on in our relationship and easily came to the conclusion that if we want more children we will adopt a child that needs a loving home with two great parents. If you cannot get past the fact she cannot have children then be upfront with her and end your relationship. If you decide you want to stay with her seriously consider if this issue is still going to be in the back of your head- you don’t want to end up in a situation where down the road you resent her because she cannot bear children.

Okay…..let’s say you really, really like her….and you think that you might one day love her. (It’s still early in the game.) I sense that you are a bit of a serious guy looking for someone to settle down with.

There are a LOT of options for you to look into…if you decide to continue. Adoption is one of them. But there are also a lot of acupuncturists and nutritionists that deal with issues of infertility. They can bring a body into balance——it’s not a guarantee——but Chinese medicine/acupuncture has been known to reverse infertility as is a macrobiotic diet. (You need to find a good acupuncturist/nutritionist that deals with this issue.) And you can find macrobiotic counselors who will help build up her reserves for childbirth.

Of course, this is only if you progress in the relationship. Either way, you should suggest this to her…because unless she has had her ovaries/uterus removed, if she is still within a fertile age group…there is always hope…it is not a guarantee…but it is not an impossiblity.

Whether you stay with her or not, please give her this information if it is of help.

And also, science is always coming up with new cures.

Wishing you the best.

Still waiting for acknowledgment that he might not be able to have his own kids, rendering this discussion a moot point. Entirely possible.

@skfinkel thanks, I was hoping someone would see my point without getting all bitchy about it. Not everyone is inclined to have kids, and it’s better to not have kids if you don’t want them than to have kids you don’t want. It’s too bad that here are already enough unwanted children in the world.

@Psychedelic_Zebra Yes. Happy to see your point—and I do.

Can I ask all the users who wrote “Don’t want any kids”. Why?
I love kids, I have two nephews which I love.
How can you don’t want your own generation to be continued?
Isn’t it one of the purpose in life? Remember the disney movie “The Lion King”, I think it this movie says it all about the circle of life.

@Ranimi23 There are plenty of good reasons for not wanting to have children. It’s still tough to tell people that you choose not to have kids. Our society idealizes having kids and raising a family, and it can be seen as selfish not to want children. There is a lot about raising a kid that’s very selfless. It’s a huge sacrifice of time, energy, and money. (Statistics from a few years ago say it costs $200,000 to raise a child from age 0–18, but it has to be higher not.) A lot of people will choose not to have a child so they can focus on other things in their life, like their marriage, traveling, or their career. Starting a family is a lot more likely to interrupt a woman’s career than a man’s, because she will take maternity leave and sometimes stay home to raise the children until they are old enough to go to school. I really admire parents for taking years away from work, losing sleep, and changing their lifestyle so they can raise kids, and for them it’s really an act of love, but it’s not for everyone.

In a way, having children can be a selfish act, too. It takes real humility to admit that you are not responsible enough to take care of a child, but I see so many parents that really couldn’t handle it going ahead and having kids when they aren’t ready. Sometimes parents are just thinking about themselves- they want to keep their marriage together and think a baby will do it, or they are lonely and want someone to love them. It would be a lot better if some people recognized that they can’t handle the effort it takes to raise a child, and that the cute baby they wanted will turn into a difficult teenager. A lot of the people in my generation had huge issues with their parents. One of my friends lived with only her mom, who had severe depression and wouldn’t get out of bed to find work or buy food. Almost everyone I knew had parents who were divorced, which can be a normal situation, but a lot of the parents dragged their kids into it. Sometimes they had custody battles or very often, one parent refusing to pay child support. I’m glad that all my friends and classmates were born, and I’d really hate to say that they shouldn’t have been born- nobody can make a judgment call like that. I’m just saying that a lot of their parents had them at the wrong time, or for the wrong reason, and the kid has to deal with most of the consequences.

Our planet is also starting to be overpopulated, so choosing not to have children will help ease the pressure that our population places on the environment. There are so many unwanted children already out there. Most people only think of adoption when they realize they can’t have their own biological children (and then they usually want cute little babies who look like them or come from overseas.) I don’t know what I’ll be like in ten years, but once I’m a responsible adult, I really want to raise an older foster child. There are soo many foster children in the US who need homes.

Those are just the reasons I thought of off the top of my hear, but I’m too young to think about children of my own, anyway. I’m sure a lot of other jellies have better, more personal reasons. :)

Actually, we discussed adoption long before we found out that as a pair we could not conceive. To this day we still don’t know whose “fault” it is because we never pursued the matter. It would have been expensive both in money and in time, and still wouldn’t guarantee a baby or two.

In addition, when we went to adopt, while we wanted babies, we didn’t care whether they looked like us or not. Actually, since neither of us are the most beautiful of people externally, we figured that it would be a good thing if the kids didn’t look like us. They asked us “What race?” and we said “Human.” They asked us “What about sex?” and we replied “Not until the child is eighteen, and then it better be safe.” They said “Stop joking.” and we responded “Who’s joking?”

We decided to adopt locally because of all the cases involving local children that my husband saw in the courtroom where he worked, and we decided on open adoption because we strongly believe that everyone has the right to know both their social and genetic roots if they want to.

We originally wanted to adopt four kids, but my husband’s health made that not a great idea, so we stopped at two. In addition, we chose to adopt “Special Needs” children because if we were to have had our own babies, whose to say they wouldn’t have been “Special Needs” children. In fact, every human baby is a special needs child one way or another. At the same time that we were adopting a friend finally managed to produce baby number two after many years of trying. The child was born with Down’s Syndrome and although they appreciate the special challenges that come with that disorder, they love her deeply, just as we love our two kids.

We wanted children and we really didn’t care about what they looked like. There are other people who want their kids to be a tiny replica of themselves, and there are some people who really don’t want to raise children at all. None of this is a sin or illegal in any way. It is just a reflection of our individuality. With that said, though, a couple who plan to marry need to be in agreement about children. Otherwise, someone will start feeling resentful.

@Darwin you deserve a thousand lurve points for that incredible story. My respect for you just went up a 1000% more, if that is even possible.

@Ranimi23 How can you not want to have kids? It’s easy. I have no patience for small children. I’m not even sure I like kids, except on a part-time basis. That said, it takes a lot of patience and understanding and other things that I have low quantities of to raise kids. I’m happy with my pets, my dog, my spiders and my Hissers, they are the sorts of ‘kids’ I can handle, and they don’t need school clothes, or want to join the extracurricular sports teams.

As for continuing my genetic line, which is all having your own kids is really about, I have siblings and they have kids, so my ‘line’ is not going to die out anytime soon. Why should someone who is honest enough to admit they aren’t great parent material go ahead and have children, just to satisfy some social standard that won’t be there to help raise the child for the 18 years. Not everybody is cut out to be parents. Reading the news should give you a pretty good idea of that.

Sure, I admit to wanting the love a child brings, and the thought of having a young girl or boy run up to me, yelling “Daddy’s home!” and throw their little arms around my neck and give me a hug is something I’ll never know. The thought of never experiencing that hurts me like you wouldn’t believe. I believe one needs to be honest with themselves first; you better know who you are before you start bringing new lives into this world. I am one of those people just not cut out to be a parent, and when someone argues the point, it makes it all that much harder. If you don’t know yourself well enough to know what you want, then having a child is the WORST thing you can do. We’d thought about adopting but my wife and I decided it wouldn’t be fair to the kid.

Some people have kids, and I say hooray for them, but being a parent is not for me. This answer might seem a bit disjointed and rushed, but I am running late for work, and don’t have the time to put as much detail and thought into this answer as I’d like.

@Ranimi23 Not everyone believes it’s their “purpose” in life to have children. You have to realize, not everyone even wants children. I see nothing wrong with that. I’ve always wanted children, and am on my second child. That’s what I chose to do. Not for some “circle of life” thing. Don’t have kids if you think you are supposed to because you are human or whatever…have them because you want them, and will love and care for them. and by have them, that includes adoption

@Darwin I love to hear you explain adoption every time you do. :)

@Psychedelic_Zebra Good for you for being mature enough to make a well thought out decision. There are plenty of people who aren’t suited to parenthood who do it anyway… and end up with majorly screwed up kids.

@avvooooooo Thanks. For us it was and is the right way to build a family.

@Ranimi23 you’re basing your ideology on the Lion King? there’s your problem

@Simone_De_Beauvoir lol4rl

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Its not the only one.

@avvooooooo apparently

All right, I’m going to take this from a different point of view. Let me tell you about my biological father. I’ve never met the man and I probably never will. That’s because he was an anonymous sperm donor. He, like you, fell in love with a woman who couldn’t have her own children. He married her. Because they could not have children of their own, he decided to donate sperm. Now I’m here.

Perhaps this is a chance for you to help someone else.