Social Question

beautifulbobby193's avatar

Can a man be a kind and loving husband and father, but still regularly sleep with other women to satisfy lust?

Asked by beautifulbobby193 (1699points) November 24th, 2009

If a mans emotions are firmly aimed towards his wife/partner and family, would it completely wrong to sleep (safely) with other women (including prostitutes), in order to satisfy an overwhelming non-emotive lust that his wife/partner would most likely not understand? Could this be considered a stress relieving method, in line with massage or therapy (i.e. physical therapy?)

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31 Answers

jrpowell's avatar

If he is comfortable with their partner doing the same I don’t see a problem. Well, the prostitution thing is another can of worms.

And, of course the SO would need to be informed of the activities and have no objections. Good luck with that.

BBSDTfamily's avatar

No, because it is blatantly disrespectful to his wife and could jeopardize his marriage, which is careless towards his children as well. Unless of course his wife is completely fine with his actions and he would also be completely fine with her satisfying the same need in the same way.

beautifulbobby193's avatar

Surely the prostitution thing would be less of a problem because it is merely hiring a service, whereas sleeping with a woman through more regular methods (i.e. via. chatting them up in a bar etc.) involves more emotions as one is trying to impress the other person so that they can later agree to sleep with them. My thinking is that attemping to impress or get on with another person is worse as it opens a window of opportunity for a potential “real” relationship (i.e. with emotions) to begin, compared to the use of a prostitute where both parties completely understand it is strictly physical.

beautifulbobby193's avatar

Also, if the wife did not experience the same “overwhelming non-emotive lust” (on the assumption that most married people would not), then her carrying out affairs purely as an act of revenge could potentially break down the marriage completely as she struggles to cope with what both he AND she have done.

If nobody is being hurt and the man keeps it strictly non-emotive and safe, and he also finds it satisfies the urges he has and reduces his stress levels, is he better off continuing without confessing because of the potential breakdown it would most likely cause in his relationship on the probability that his wife would not understand or approve of his actions?

LKidKyle1985's avatar

The answer to this question has a lot to do with how your culture views adultery. American culture doesn’t really approve of it, but in Japan it would be okay. I would say its selfish but if his heart is with his wife then its not terrible. But still pretty bad ln my opinion.

augustlan's avatar

In my opinion, the only way this would be ok is if she knows and approves. Otherwise, he’s lying to her (and pretty regularly, it would seem), which is its own problem. A very destructive one at that.

jrpowell's avatar

I should just let you know how this looks to others reading this. It sounds like you want us to say that this is OKAY. It doesn’t sound like a hypothetical. And clear your browsers history ASAP.

beautifulbobby193's avatar

I’m single and it’s not about me. But I have an interesting discussion on this topic recently, with some surprisingly mixed views. I think it’s a very valid topic and discussion as many people in a relationship will, at some point, be faced with a situation where they could potentially have a “secret” encounter with another person. A marriage is a very long time.

jrpowell's avatar

@beautifulbobby193 :: That is why I used the word “looks”. I was actually giving you a easy out, which you took. It’s cool.

beautifulbobby193's avatar

How clever of you.

rooeytoo's avatar

I think if you have these overwhelmingly lustful feelings that must be taken care of in order to relieve stress, it would be a lot better if you found a partner whose lust matches your own, then you wouldn’t have to search out prostitutes or one night stands. Or else don’t get married in the first place then you will be free to satisfy your lust anyway anytime you choose with no danger of anyone’s feelings being hurt.

If you choose incorrectly and your partner’s lust does not equal yours, I hope she is super understanding of your uncontrollable needs. But I really don’t think many women or men are going to be. And you better be making a hell of a salary to finance the lust because safe clean hookers don’t come cheap.

amnorvend's avatar

It can work, but only if the man’s wife knows and approves. If she doesn’t understand his needs, then is she really cut out for him?

nebule's avatar

sex is not simply a stress reliever…
it’s just not not not

well i wouldn’t want to be married to someone like that anyway <shudder>

BellaButterfly's avatar

If it were me, no way. In my opinion a man isn’t respecting his wife and family if he’s sleeping around with other women (especially prostitutes). If he experiences an overwhelming desire to constantly have sex, that sounds like he has an addiction to sex. In that case he should seek therapy to work through his issues. Not give in to them and use his addiction as an excuse to betray his wife and family.

On the other hand, I suppose if his wife is well aware and has no hard feelings about his infidelity, then I guess nothing is wrong with it. But what happens when the kids are old enough to start noticing. That could have a damaging effect on them.

veronasgirl's avatar

If a man’s emotions ARE firmly directed towards his wife then why would he want or need to sleep with other women? I don’t understand this, if a man truly loves a woman why would you want to sleep with some unimportant woman just to satisfy an urge?

Snarp's avatar

I don’t think its ever OK. Even if the wife “approves”. There is an argument to be made that it is all cultural, but I think it is more than that. Our social needs are part of our biology, and while they differ somewhat culturally, I expect that no matter how much someone __thinks__ it is going to be OK, when someone else is getting something they’re not (and it’s not just the sex, it’s the time and involvement), then there are going to be issues. Not only that, but people are notoriously bad at separating sex from emotion. You may be able to do it once or twice, or for a little while, but sex without emotion isn’t good sex. And repeated sex is likely to lead to emotion. That’s a primitive biological development to keep fathers from abandoning their children too early. There’s some research on this, but I don’t know how good it is. It makes sense to me though.

trailsillustrated's avatar

I would seriously resent the money spent on the hooker.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I think this scenario is possible but I wouldn’t want to be with someone whose sexual needs are so different from my own – our lust level would have to be at the very least similar

sebastian_von_tulu's avatar

@rooeytoo Yes, exactly!

When you marry someone you make a promise to be completely faithful to that person. If you’re sleeping with prostitutes behind her back I don’t see how that promise is being honoured.

And just imagine how devastated and confused the children would be if they found out. This kind of thing could potentially destroy the family unit.

If remaining faithful is a problem than marriage shouldn’t really be a consideration, unless both parties feel the same way and there are no children.

Ivan's avatar

If you have an incredible lust to have sex with someone besides your SO, you probably don’t really love them.

beautifulbobby193's avatar

That’s not true Ivan. One can still be deeply in love with a person but lust after others.

Ivan's avatar

I agree to disagree.

Snarp's avatar

BTW – Haven’t these people ever heard of masturbation?

NaturalMineralWater's avatar

This is the kind of thinking that leads to divorce. If you (hypothetical you.. not you you) can’t control your lust and desire.. than you probably shouldn’t get married.

sliceswiththings's avatar

@Snarp Yes! I was just thinking that! True, I don’t know the first thing about male sexuality, but if it’s a “stress reliever” can’t the guy just get himself off?

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

Yes but he’d be damned lucky to pull it off. The odds are against him to successfully keep his emotions in check and his extracurriculars a secret. Even one slip up or discovery would unravel so much. Is it stress relief? Oh sure as long as he doesn’t develop a conscious guilt or nervousness about what he’s risking his family for or struggle in guilt or self disgust over his particular lusts that are so odd they cannot be satisfied by and shared with his loving partner.

wundayatta's avatar

If a man has very different sexual desires from his wife, I think that at least a part of that would be due to problems in the relationship.

I do think it is possible for a man to be a kind and loving husband and father, while schtupping other women, so long as it doesn’t take him away from her in any way, shape or form. I think it is extremely difficult, though, and unlikely to work for very long. And in the end, I think it will come back to marital problems. It’s not just a sex issue.

Of course, over on the casual sex question, people do feel there can be sex just for fun. I feel if casual sex is ok while you’re single, then it is ok when you are married, too. I’m not a big fan of casual sex, and I do think that it isn’t just sex that people want. It may feel that way. A person might be having his cock doing the thinking, but I think that what he wants, underneath what he thinks he wants, is love. Which again gets us back to fixing the marriage.

Which addresses the “stress reliever” argument, too. It’s not just a stress reliever. Good sex involves feelings of being wanted. Masturbation, even if it’s mutual, just doesn’t have that.

When my wife and I had a huge difference in sexual desire, our counselor suggested that she hold me while I was “relieving” the stress. It didn’t work for me. There was some emotional connection happening, but I needed her utter and complete attention. Being “held” didn’t do it. The only solution that worked was having our levels of desire become more equal. That’s a work in progress.

God! I wish marriages weren’t so hard! These people who meet when they are 17 and are happy with each other and perfectly matched until they die—just kill me. I am so not a natural married guy. Aaaaaaaggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!! I hate not fitting the standard model of relationships. Maybe if I had been gelded….. naw. That wouldn’t have worked, either (think eunuchs “guarding” the purity of the harem).

fireinthepriory's avatar

Is it possible? Yes. Anything is possible. If the man’s wife is 100% ok with this, and they have an open and honest dialogue about it, and they have unlimited money so there’s no way she can be resentful of the money the man will inevitably spend on sex (which is all also possible), then you have your answer. Better hope that it doesn’t get out, though, because that is the kind of arrangement that very few people could ever understand.

justme1's avatar

Yes if both parties are ok with it

noodle_poodle's avatar

dont see why not…have often wondered if the common perception of monogamy is truly the way to go,,,peoples sex drives are diff afterall and could otherwise lead to resentment

avvooooooo's avatar

Nope. It doesn’t work that way. Unless a wife is fully aware of what’s going on and approves, its not possible to be kind and loving husband. When dalliances affect the relationship and therefore the kids if this isn’t the case, no. Not possible to be a kind and loving father while doing this either. Not to mention the kind of crap kids can be exposed to at school if people figure out that someone is screwing around and is indiscreet and tells them/teases them about the goings on.

Prostitution is illegal. Getting caught soliciting prostitutes gets you arrested. Not to mention the things you could be bringing home from screwing in the sewers, so to speak. So while casual sex outside the relationship without the knowledge of the wife is wrong, casual sex with prostitutes is even worse.

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