He's blowing hot & cold. Should I move on?

Tell him straight out that you like him. Obviously he panics when he picks up your hints. If he likes you, hopefully he will tell you. If not, he won’t

Thank you – that’s what it feels like; he seems to panic and withdraw.

He might have self esteem issues. It might seem to him that your hints are just him having wishful thinking or something, and he withdraws into himself. You have to be absolutely clear with him. I am sure that it will work out.

Maybe that’s the problem. I dread to think how I’ll feel if he doesn’t feel the same. But I think he’s worth the risk! Thanks for the advice :)

How long have you been together? Have you ever discussed feelings? I’m not sure I would, if you haven’t. But you can discuss behavior—behavior that you don’t appreciate, and what you would prefer him to do. If you’re clear about what you want, he can either do it, or not. Then you know where you stand, and can choose to continue, or not.

Before you do anything, I would strongly suggest a trip to the bookstore. Read the entire book and then decide. It may be the best thing you have ever done for yourself.

The book is

He’s Just Not That Into You

Forget about the stupid crappy movie of the same name. This is a non fiction advice book written by a guy who tells it like it is.

Heed the warning signs…that’s the biggest downfall in the end. The warning signs are always there, even in the beginning, but we are so ga ga in the beginning that we ignore them, justify them…...

I would actually NOT advice you to read the book He’s Just Not That Into You, but that’s just me. OK, why don’t you read it and judge for yourself, but personally I think reality is more nuanced than the book tells. I’ve been in the same situation as you, and what it means is: He is afraid of commitment (yes people can be afraid of commitment, and it doesn’t always mean that they are not into you), and possibly he’s been hurt in a past relationship or had is heart broken and is being wary.
What you have to do is be very strong and act like it doesn’t bother you. When he sees that you can deal with his issues, it will calm him and he will begin to trust you and open up.

But you have to be patient, and this could take time. And be strong. You have to decide if it’s worth all the effort in the end. If you like the guy, go for it but be aware that it may not be an easy path.

I’m willing to bet he’s just as confused as you are. Don’t rush things.. just have a good time.. If it is meant to be it will work out.

Ask yourself- is this what you want? Is this how you want to feel? If it’s not- then change it. Either let him know you’re thinking of leaving and why or stay and be blissfully happy because it’s what you want.

@Mary

Unfortunately the title is a bit simplistic but that’s marketing for you.

Have you actually read it or heard the author speak? If not, please don’t judge a book by it’s title. There is quite a lot of useful info on what makes men tick that most men aren’t that aware of or don’t want to admit to.

But it also depends upon what the goals of the women are. If it’s just to have fun with casual dating and occasional sex, then don’t bother.

It sounds as if the OP wants more than that. If that’s not what he also wants, then the sooner she moves on the less time wasted. And that is her question. Should she move on.

No one can answer that for her. Bit she should have as much of the pertinent facts as she can get her hands on in order to truly move on if she decides to.

The plain fact is that men don’t have a problem keeping several women in “suspended animation” waiting for them while they make up their mind.

The plain fact of the matter is that once they find the one for them, they will move heaven and earth make sure no one else claims her.

And this is what every woman who desires a committed relationship eventually leading to marriage deserves if she desires it.

You can tell where a man is at in this by his actions. Words just muddy things up. Actions speak. When they find “the one” the days of the little black book and the booty calls are done. He is no longer alternating between calling and not calling, needing his space and all this other blather.

He is totally focused upon assuring that he does not lose the one for him to anyone else and he acts like it.

If you are not that one for him, why would you be willing to settle for being just among the rest of his “friends”?

If one is content with that, all well and good. I don’t know about you, but to me she doesn’t sound that content with the status quo.

This is not a situation that calls for nuance, but for honesty. He has been nuancing around the issue for long enough.

To the OP. Much of what I have just said in this post is a distilled version of what the author himself has said.

It matters not to me whether you stay with this guy for the next millenium. It doesn’t change my life either way. Paying a few bucks for a book that is very pertinent to the question you asked seems a small price to pay to get some clarity for yourself on what you want to do.

I’ll just leave it with one more bit of advice from the author.

Don’t waste the pretty.

I agree with this:

“The plain fact of the matter is that once they find the one for them, they will move heaven and earth make sure no one else claims her.”

I’ve enough man friends to know from experience if a man wants something then he’s going to let it be known and he’s going to try all he can to get it and keep it. If your guy isn’t making himself clear or if he’s good with you but not “all in” then he shouldn’t be upset or much surprised when some other guy comes around and wants to step up to you. Trust me, someone’s always got their eye out waiting for someone else to slip up or pass up a good thing.

Triple H

You are absolutely right.

But a problem arises if the woman is still so emotionally enmeshed still with the fence sitter that it stifles the availability signal.

That was a good part of the authors emphasis to enable a woman to move on emotionally so that she can encounter the one for whom she is “the sun, the moon, and the stars”. And every woman deserves to be adored like that rather than just strung along and along and along…

He described his own experiences after he met the woman whom he knew he wanted to spend as much time as possible with for the rest of his life. They were both busy professionals and his life involved considerable travel. But after his work commitments, she was his first priority and he made certain to act like it.

All of the other women whom he had dated intermittently just faded into the background.

And if you ( the woman) are not that one, you deserve to be with someone for whom you are. Wishing that he is the one won’t make it so. Making all sorts of excuses to yourself for him won’t make it so.

One of the women in the audience asked him about this guy whom she had fabulous chemistry and conversations with on the phone but the problem was that he would go for long periods without any calls. Them he would explain about his hectic work schedule bla bla bla.

The author then asked her if she felt that was sufficient explanation for her. She kind of hesitated and then he just told her the point blank truth.

If you were truly the one and only for him he would call you even if he had broken fingers or arms. He would find a voice application or get one of his friends to dial his phone for him. He would find a way. The only feasible barrier would be if he was in a coma or six feet under. She finally got the point.

@hungryhungryhortence Hi!

@Val123: Hi lady :D

Okay, so after reading all of the responses, I’m feeling that if he is actually interested, then he would act on that. If he’s too shy or whatever, then maybe he’s not ready for anything. I know I can’t keep putting myself through these motions. I’m going to end up getting more hurt than I already am. Thanks for all of the responses!

He may be interested but he does not have the quality you are looking for. If talking about things is important to you (as it is to me), you should be with a man who has this character.

Try not to settle for less than what you need.