General Question

ezraglenn's avatar

How should I break up with my girlfriend?

Asked by ezraglenn (3497points) February 19th, 2008

It is time to get out of this relationship for various reasons. If you read my question from a while ago you will know some of them, but it’s just the tip of the iceberg really. I know you are supposed to do this in person, but we live like an hour apart. Should I go all the way to Park Slope, break up with her, and come all the way back, or should I arrange something in the middle? Perhaps I should do it via telegraph or skywriting. These are other explorable options for sure.

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35 Answers

Randy's avatar

I dunno if I would do it via telegraph or skywriting, hahaha. Does she know its coming at all? Also ask yourself how much the “after break up” relationship will mean to you. If your answer is not at all then it shouldn’t really matter how you do it. It a friendship is desired then I’d do it in a way that would be kind and that shows you do care for her.

Perchik's avatar

I think Randy is right (second time I’ve said that in 5 minutes actually) It all depends on what you want afterwards. I’d suggest trying to meet halfway, as driving all the way is gonna suck, and not driving at all is kind of a lame thing to do. You could do something like a webcam or something (just to throw out other ideas.) Something that would make it seem more personal than a text message (absolute no-no) but won’t cause you to have to go way out of your way.

By the way, you deserve a bag of skittles for the tags on this one. :D

Spargett's avatar

This is one of those moments where you have to “man up”. That means driving there and meeting her face to face.

No one ever said it was easy, but it’s the right thing to do. You gain her respect as well, if not right away, hopefully in time.

row4food's avatar

you need to drive there. if you were breaking up with me, i would expect nothing less.

GD_Kimble's avatar

I agree with Spargett and row4food. Make the drive.

kevbo's avatar

Agree with above, do it in person. You could prep things by becoming a less than perfect bf. Start sending the signals now.

gailcalled's avatar

Kindness, respect and the Golden Rule are always the best choices. There will be many similar moments in your future life. Start the learning process now…an hour’s drive. Poor baby. I am about to drive 2.5 hrs in order to take my mother to a good dermatologist.

ezraglenn's avatar

these are good answers, basically what I was expecting. But for future reference, I live in NYC. We take the subway here. and I can’t drive anyway.
I thought about sending signals, but I would like to remain friends afterwards. Of course, I’ll give her time to be angry, but she is fairly sensible (I mean, I liked her at one point), so I think she will come around. The sentiment seems to be that I should haul out to Brooklyn (which, ironically will cost four dollars round trip) which is okay, but should I spend the day with her first? And then end it? Is that bad form? How about if I write it out in fireworks? Or in blood on her bedroom wall? The logistics of that one might get complicated…

gailcalled's avatar

Not fun, I know, Ezra. But at your age and w. your experience w. public transport in the NYC area, you can surely take the subway. Don’t you think that she might have a clue that the relationship is not going well? Just bite the bullet and end the misery for both of you. I don’t think that there is an Rx for ending a relationship…all are different. Good luck.

G

eadinad's avatar

This is what I would do. Call her up and tell her you’re coming out to see her that day, and that you want to have alone time to talk about your relationship. Take the subway out there, and go to a private, quiet place (but maybe not the bedroom) and, as soon as you are situated, start the conversation.

Tell her you think it’s time to move on, and list all the reasons why (unless one of the reasons is “your ass is too fat” or something like that. Those you can and should skip.) Be firm, but gentle and kind. Like you said, you did love her once. Let her respond, and make your best effort to listen to her reactions and thoughts without becoming defensive or lashing back. If you want to be friends, it’s important to watch what you say and how you act now. Make your mind up as to what you’re going to do before you get there. It’s okay to talk about it, but don’t be talked out of your decision.

After the conversation has come to a natural end, and both or one of you has finished crying, leave. Hug her, but don’t kiss her. Don’t spend the night, don’t hang around forever. Once you begin leaving, don’t stop. Then take the subway home and it’s over.

Good luck.

occ's avatar

Definitely do it in person. Especially if you know her friends. If you take the wussy way out and break up with her via text message, the other girls in school will all find out and call you a jerk behind your back, and this will jeopardize potential future friendships and relationships.

If you don’t want to go all the way to Park Slope, meet up with her for coffee at a midway point, maybe somewhere in the east village. I say coffee specifically and not a beer, because you definitely don’t want her to be drunk when you have this conversation. Just be prepared for tears to be shed and stay strong.

kt5405's avatar

The simple answer is ..how would you want someone to break up with you? How you handle this will be a defining moment in your character, or lack there of. Whether you still like her or loathe her, should be of no consequence. It should be handled the same & of course you need to make the drive. If you meet half way and she doesn’t take it well, would you want to be responsible for someone driving that shouldn’t be and had the potential to harm somoene else.

gailcalled's avatar

@eadinad: we had agreed in another question about relative morality, that I can no longer find, that using expressions directed towards woman such as “your ass is too fat” is counterproductive. And who among us can cast the first stone concerning our appearance?:-D

@Ezra, I hope that you are reading this as you ride the rails to Brooklyn.

ezraglenn's avatar

@everyone, I broke up with her on thursday. It was surprisingly terrible and she made me feel really bad about myself, but it was the right thing to do.
This is what happened:
I told her to meet me at the tealounge but we didnt go in. It’s right near her house. Instead we took a long walk into Windsor Terrace, almost to Greenwood Cemetary, and back into Park Slope. We finally sat on a bench near the edge of the park and talked for a while in the frigid February air. I think I caught a major cold in this part of the breakup. Basically after talking for a while, I said “I don’t think we should do this anymore.” And when she realized what “this” was, she got really angry and defensive and looked like she was going to cry. I just kept apoloizing. It was kind of pathetic. She made me feel really guilty, and I asked to stay friends and she just kind of said “oh.” It was bad. Then when we left, she just turned and walked away, and said “Bye.” very angrily. I felt like such an asshole. But really, the relationship was not good, I made the right decision, and it became clear through the way she responded that we were not meant for eachother.
And I got a cold.

kevbo's avatar

@gailcalled: may this discussion never die

@eszaglenn, a small price to pay to get part of your life back. good job.

gailcalled's avatar

@kev; I used several of your tags: morality, truth, and got too many pages to plow thru. I also checked under your account (seeming to remember that you triggered that melee – Hoss, Hawaiiguy, and the masses), but again couldn’t locate it. Thanks.

@ezra; Congratulations. I know that it must have been hard. But you both can regroup. All of us older folks have been both the breaker-up and the breakee, I am sure, on many occasions. Both roles are painful. Cold, I am sure, was caused by stress affecting your immune system. And wasn’t she the girl who never paid her way?

@eadinad: see Kevbo’s reference above for disparaging remarks about women’s bodies. It was an epic discussion. Morality redux
*

evanb_79's avatar

i’m in a relationship with my girlfriend since 2 yrs, she told me she loves me many times but she is acting strange recently after i annoyed & made her angry. she doesnt answer my calls smetime& doesn’t sms me just after along time and say “sorry didn’t answer you” i don’t know if she doesn’t want to be with me any more! does she want to break up with me? help

kevbo's avatar

Confont her and ask her to be honest about what she wants.

judochop's avatar

Man, just load up the Ipod or your Iphone with a bunch of sappy love songs from the 80’s, hop on the subway and head to PS and break up with her. If you two have seen each other naked then you probably have a good chance at having some good ol’ break up sex. If you do then you both will have some smiles and a hug good bye. Anyway, you should at least take the 4 hours out of your day to do it.

judochop's avatar

Oh dear Lord….I did it again. I see you have already done the deed.

Cat1118's avatar

Tell her face to face, and try to tell her why you want to brake up with her. Try as less as you can not to hurt her.

ezraglenn's avatar

you are just too late.

ezraglenn's avatar

(hi gail!
please continue responding!)

gailcalled's avatar

@cat1118; I know that you are new here, but check out the answers above ....well, Ezra beat me to it. Welcome, but do read the earlier answers before hitting that keyboard. (Hi, Ezra…hot enough for you?)

Response moderated
asmonet's avatar

Tell her firmly, kindly and honestly that it’s over. No speeches, no tears no lies.

She’ll respect you eventually. Ever heard the song Popular by Nada Surf?

gailcalled's avatar

@As; ancient history; Ezra is now on a college campus, far from home and onerous subway rides from Manhattan to Brooklyn. Check the date stamp on the question. This site does take a little getting used to, I know. G

asmonet's avatar

@gail: haha, I’m retarded. Sometimes I click through here just eager to help and fail to notice the simplest of indicators I might be off-track. Noted. :)

sbrannon's avatar

as a woman, you should “man up” be nice, go and visit her and take a nice walk and tell her that you need to move on. Don’t get into the whys, the you are horrible stuff, be thankful for what you had together and tell her that she will always be special to you. She will have fond memories forever, and it is a good example of respect.

punkrockworld's avatar

make an effort to at least make the drive over there to do it in person.
It will make things easier.

gailcalled's avatar

@punkrockworld @sbrannon: This is now really ancient history. Ezra has just finished his first year in college. Read twice, write once is my new fluther motto. (And for the record, Ezra is a man; he didn’t have a car but he did take public transportation – 15 months ago.)

azhaiaziam's avatar

Lol.. tell that person how you feel and end it on a good note. And cut all ties

Resistka's avatar

Probably to late for this, but reasons are Crap, It depends do you Love her? If not how much do you like her, because If you can’t have the Girlfriend/boyfriend relationship when you are dating, It is basically Ignoring eachother, or just Farmhouse pals.

EdMayhew's avatar

Make the drive, there’s nothing so bad as being dumped then having to drive home. Alone.

And just be nice – DON’T LET IT BECOME ANOTHER ARGUMENT!

There’s no point in more aggro if you’re breaking up no matter what, so just walk away if it starts to turn sour, you will have done what you came to do by then.

germanmannn's avatar

why even tell her?just start seeing someone else she will get the hint.

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