@Sonnerr Ah. It’s not you. It’s her. She’s the one who is lost. It often happens with creative people. There are times when you don’t know what anything is or what it means, and you just want to run away from it all. She is in the middle of one of those, and doesn’t know what is real anymore. It’s sort of existential, sort of dramatic, sort of depression and probably a few other things. It makes you feel like things mean more when you wander around looking at the world through diaphanous curtains. That she has lost touch with your reality makes her feel like the world is more dangerous, and it might well stimulate her creative energy.
Of course, it’s annoying as shit to those around the artist. However, if the artist is interesting enough, other will buy into their fantasy. I suspect you have done this. It’s not a bad thing. Artists need muses.
The trick for you is to play along with her, while not letting her throw you off so much that you can no longer cope. It is kind of a power play, but it’s not malicious. Many artsy people have low self-esteem, so any time they can feel like they rock someone else’s world, they go apeshit.
However, I am concerned about you, too. You are beginning to question your own reality under this onslaught. Not good. The fact that you are already doing yoga and meditating and eating healthily, but you are still being thrown by this is also not good. You’re going to have to watch out. You may have to cut away from her if you want to maintain your own identity. Don’t get caught up wanting her so much that you let her decide who you are. She won’t mean to hurt you, but she will do it if you aren’t strong enough.
Maybe just understanding what is going on will help you. You just have to keep your feet on the ground, and that means, in this case, focusing on what you want in the world. If you let her define your wants, you will become her creature, and you may never figure out who you are. So yes, go on that self-esteem website. Work on your own self-esteem. It’s pretty rough not to care much about yourself and not to believe in yourself. I’ve just come through a significant patch of that, myself. I don’t want to go back, although I’m afraid I will.
I suspect that what you see in her is a spark to life. It’s like she lights up those around her to some degree. Maybe you even feel privileged to be her guy, because it really makes your life seem important.
As long as a relationship is unequal like that, the more powerful person will blow hot and cold, again, not maliciously, just because that’s the dynamic. Artsy people also need drama. On and off patterns make that happen.
Focus on yourself, and building yourself. And although I know you really really want to, you can’t afford to orbit her so much.
Ok. This all came rushing out as if I’m channeling something. It’s just a story I tell myself to make sense of what is admittedly very little information. But that’s what I do. So don’t act like it means something if my fantasy went far off base. Also, please don’t get angry with me because I make all these unwarranted assumptions. It’s ok if I’m wrong. It’s cool if I’ve got things right.
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