Social Question

Xilas's avatar

How do girls have the ability to shut you out completely?

Asked by Xilas (825points) December 9th, 2009

I just came out of what I thought was a mutual breakup.. and now there is no contact, I have made an effort to be her friend – but she went as far as deleting me from facebook.

(nothing went wrong, just timing and circumstances were bad, we cared about each other a lot.. or so i thought) I just don’t get it…

is this some sort of defense mechanism to avoid pain and heartbreak?

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35 Answers

delirium's avatar

One word: Yes.

Xilas's avatar

@delirium yes they have the ability or yes its a defense mechanism?

Haleth's avatar

I think girls do this when they have very strong feelings about the relationship. I’ve done this when I was in love with someone, and hearing from after the breakup would have just been too painful. It takes a long time to get over that sort of thing. If I heard from that person now, several years later, it would probably still upset me to some degree. I also broke off contact once when a relationship ended on bad terms. The relationship itself was great, but he handled the breakup in a really immature, asshole kind of way. I cut off contact because by the end of the breakup, I thought he was completely revolting.

delirium's avatar

Defense mechanism!

Let her have it. When she’s ready, she’ll be willing to start up the friendship. Just don’t pressure her and OH MY GOD DO NOT SHOW UP AT HER DOOR MULTIPLE TIMES EVEN IF YOU ARE LEAVING THE COUNTRY IN A COUPLE OF DAYS EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS ASKED YOU NOT TO SEE HER AND IS POINTEDLY AVOIDING YOU…..

(That was supposed to be the text version of a trailing off rant, btw)

DominicX's avatar

It’s not just girls who do this. Guys do it too. I knew a guy who did it to his former girlfriend. He even deleted me from his Facebook and I didn’t even do anything! I just happened to be friends with the girl he broke up with and we met him online (because they were going to the same college), so he just cut out all the San Franciscans he met during this summer…what a crazy summer…

Anyway, it’s definitely a defense mechanism and don’t try to get back in her life right now. I have a friend who was completely shut out by his former girlfriend but he kept texting her randomly way after they broke up and making her angry and it’s completely stupid and childish of him. She doesn’t want to associate with you right now and I would honor that if I were you. The same goes for my friend. She just wants to move on and this a way of doing it.

Grisaille's avatar

I’m a dude and do it all the time.

Xilas's avatar

@EVERYONE .. i think I’m just an

Roory's avatar

Yes, it makes it easier for us to get over the guy, but it does not eliminate the pain and the heartbreak… when i broke up with my exboyfriend of 4 years, i did not want to talk to him or see him, and i stayed away from him for a few months…. eventually we now talk to each other, but i always try to avoid him because it might stir up feelings and take me back to my pain of leaving him… so it is normal just give her time and space..

YARNLADY's avatar

Everyone has the superpower called “Ignore”. Some just know how to use it better than others. Sometimes it comes in handy to help handle the pain and heartbreak.

You don’t make it sound very “mutual” to me. Mutual is when both partners agree that they are over the relationship. If one still has feelings, then it’s not mutual, but still has to be handled the same. Don’t dwell on what once was, but wait and look forward to what comes next.

jrpowell's avatar

I’m a dude and I have done it. I went as far as to leave the state for a few months so I didn’t have to deal with any crap.

I do think it is funny that people seem to be upset about the Facebook thing. Maybe they don’t want to hear about your future relationships.

delirium's avatar

@johnpowell exactly! Watching a guy who just broke my heart pledge his love back and forth with his brand new girlfriend [on facebook] is nauseating at best and devistating at worst.

tb1570's avatar

I’ve also been the one who had to completely break off contact, just to maintain some sense of closure, and self-respect. What I don’t understand is how some people expect it to be otherwise, like we can go from being lovers and in a committed relationship one day, to just being good ol’ pals the next day. I don’t understand how some people can just turn off their feelings so easy, or expect the other person to be able to the same, or how they seem unable to comprehend that continuing to see them, when you still love them and want to be with them, is excruciatingly painful and torturesome.

Anon_Jihad's avatar

I’m a goofy bastard, far more in mannerisms than appearance. My ex won’t speak to me at all or engage in any degree of communication with me. She ended the relationship by cheating on me and not speaking to me once I got filled in to the details as I was out of town. She had strong sexual urges and I think it’s a mix or maybe more of one than the other of me being not the ideal handsome guy and more of a comedian who refused to take little things seriously, and that she knew she’d cheat on me eventually and just didn’t see the point of putting me through the whole ordeal and just cut me out.

tb1570's avatar

@Anon_Jihad If she ended the relationship by cheating on you, why the hell would you want to continue contact with her anyway?? Just curious…

FutureMemory's avatar

I guess it depends on the circumstances. If you love someone dearly and have a LTR with them, and then it ends on bad terms, it can be extremely painful to somehow magically revert back to a friendship-only level relationship.

flameboi's avatar

guys do that to, is the best thing to move on, think of it as leaveing your house after a hurricane alert, you close all your doors, windows, pack whats necessary (in this case, just the good memories) get in your car and leave, in the middle of the road, you hear in the radio that one house was destroyed, just one, and happens to be your house, just like what happened to Ned Flanders (to point out that it’s possible and can happen to the best of us)... so there is nothing left, no reason to look back, no reason to return, go get a new house where your heart can live…

Anon_Jihad's avatar

@FutureMemory Because regardless of her wandering eyes I loved her. It was no lack of self-esteem on my part, she really was a fantastic woman, while its certainly a big one, that was really her only downpoint. She was kind, had a warm heart, was intelligent and always craved more knowledge, even when shit got pretty rough due to things like our living situation and employment issues, or lack thereof, she always knew how to take my discouragement and twist it around to get me to strive for the best for us.

I’m ranting about love lost and I know I sound like a melodramatic tard, but she really was always able to bring out a motivation and desire in me I didn’t know I had, I was able to toss out my meds I’d been reliant on for years in order to accomplish anything, and succeeded at whatever I tried to do, like it was easy.

I guess for all her goodness though, she just really, really liked dick.

MissAnthrope's avatar

Some girls play games, so that’s one of the reasons. As other people said, I personally often have to have no contact with the person I broke up with because I love them and watching them move on is torture and highly painful.

The first girl I fell in love with, who ripped my heart out and stomped on it (or so it felt at the time), I didn’t speak to her for years afterwards because it was just so painful. Two exes ago, it took me about a year. Most current ex, I wasn’t so emotionally involved (gradual process of losing feelings for her), so once I moved out, it wasn’t that hard to revert to being friends again.

FutureMemory's avatar

@Anon_Jihad I think you may have meant to direct your last post at @tb1570

FutureMemory's avatar

Oh and @tb1570 I agree 110% with every word of

I’ve also been the one who had to completely break off contact, just to maintain some sense of closure, and self-respect. What I don’t understand is how some people expect it to be otherwise, like we can go from being lovers and in a committed relationship one day, to just being good ol’ pals the next day. I don’t understand how some people can just turn off their feelings so easy, or expect the other person to be able to the same, or how they seem unable to comprehend that continuing to see them, when you still love them and want to be with them, is excruciatingly painful and torturesome.

I’ve been there myself and felt exactly the same way. It makes you wonder how much did they truly love you in the first place

zephyr826's avatar

For me this is the only way to go. When I broke up with someone, I went on complete radio silence. No contact whatsoever for at least three months, sometimes more. It’s not that I don’t care about the person; it’s that I do care – too much, perhaps – and that seeing them hurting could cause me to make choices (like getting back together) that wouldn’t be right for me.
Only once did I break the code. I sent an email to my ex about a month after the break-up, apologizing for how things had turned out and wishing him well. He never responded. A few days later, I saw how he had dissected my private email on his website, inserting comments about how I was a horrible person who had destroyed his life and I needed to rot alone for eternity (or something along those lines). I was floored, and it brought back all of the initial pain and sadness. Never again.
I sympathize, @Xilas, but you just have to let this go. After she gets over things, she may want to rekindle the friendship. She may not. That’s one of the hazards of love*, picking up the pieces when it’s all over.

*Decemberists reference, sorry

CMaz's avatar

She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child, but she’s always a woman to me

She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth, but she’ll never believe you
And she’ll take what you give her as long it’s free
Yeah, She steals like a thief, but she’s always a woman to me

Ohhh… she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants, she’s ahead of her time
Ohhh… and she never gives out
And she never gives in, she just changes her mind

And she’ll promise you more than the garden of Eden
Then she’ll carelessly cut you and laugh while you’re bleeding
But she’ll bring out the best and the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself ‘cause she’s always a woman to me

- Billy Joel

pinky's avatar

Yes it sounds like a defense mechanism. Guys also do that too, not just girls. Just give her some time, if she really cares about you and wants to keep the frienship she will come around, but she has to have time to get to the point where she can see you as just a friend in her eyes.

xshortiex's avatar

its a deffence thing. If we break up with someone we care about, its sometimes too painful to stay friends, so we shut them out. Then we avoid the pain of memories. Just give her time, she’ll speak to you sooner or later.

Xilas's avatar

Well here is whats going to happen… She is going to wait around to long.. I will grow cold.

by the time she comes around i will not want to speak to her – she is only hurting herself more..i hate that she cant see this.

Thanks for the responses everyone

jessicamarie's avatar

It goes both ways…usually it is the guy that does it…my ex JUST did that to me
The best you can do is just try to move on and find someone else…
or maybe things will actually end up working out,,if you guys were meant to be together, you will be (:

dogkittycat's avatar

First of all yes.
Second I did it after being told by my cheating boyfriend that he deserved better than me his senior year. Funny part is I might graduate top of my class and he was barely able to walk at graduation. Not to sound conceited but I’m a nice looking person and I’ve never been out right nasty with anyone unless they were picking on one of my friends and even then I did just enough to support them and get the other person to back off. So I didn’t understand why he would do that especially since I was going to take him out to dinner and discuss it and decide where to go from there. I was hurt and angry and disgusted with him and his behavior, if I saw him flirting with someone on facebook i would have had to refrain from making some very unlike me comments. So in a way I do see why she deleted you from facebook, give it time and see how things go.

Xilas's avatar

@johnpowell im not upset, lol – its just not rational for me – but if it works for her, thats cool.

tb1570's avatar

@FutureMemory It makes you wonder how much did they truly love you in the first place

@jessicamarie usually it is the guy that does it
That is precisiely because, contrary to popular belief, if a guy truly cares about a girl, study after recent study has shown that when a guy truly loves a woman, the break-up is actually much more emotionally devastating for the man, and men who were truly in love take much longer to heal emotionally, if they ever heal completely at all. In fact, some evolutionary psychologists and sociologists have suggested that it is an evolutionary development that allows girls/women to get over their lost love quicker, so as to find a new mate to provide for them and protect them and their children quicker.

And my personal experiences certainly seem to back these findings/theories up…

FutureMemory's avatar

@tb1570 We’re definitely on the same page, preach on brother!

Axemusica's avatar

@tb1570 I’ve been curiously following this thread & that was awesome and couldn’t agree more. If there was slobbery lurve hug button, I’d be mashing it right now.

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