Social Question

melanie81's avatar

Is it truly possible for a guy to dump a girl because he thinks she's too good for him?

Asked by melanie81 (792points) December 21st, 2009

Long story short: Dude is a huge pot dealer. I enjoy pot, but on a social level only. I have a professional 9–5 job that I love. We date for a month and totally fall for each other (before I knew he was a drug dealer). HARD. One day, a “deal” falls through – he freaks out on me, I stand up to him about his bad choices, he ignores me for a week, then emails to apologize and says that I’m too good a person for him and that he just knows I shouldn’t be with a guy who has such a volatile career.

Okay, so obviously we’re over. No question about it – our lifestyles are completely opposite, even though our attraction to one another was magnetic. My questions is – guys, does this happen a lot? I mean, is this a valid reason given the circumstances? Girls, have you ever experienced this? I know this guy really meant what he said about thinking I was “too good for him”, because I could sense that he felt insecure to me the entire time we were dating. I just never thought it’d be reason enough to break up. Especially since he would always reassure me that I was basically the girl of his dreams. I mean, is it really possible to cut out all feeling for a girl at the drop of a hat for this reason?

I know for me – even with all the “bad” things I’ve discovered about this guy – I’m having a really hard time separating my strong feelings from what I know is best. And I just can’t believe that he was able to do that, seemingly so easy.

Sorry for the drama – but I could really use some Fluther advice here because it always snaps me back into reality!

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41 Answers

TominLasVegas's avatar

Im sure it is but its a stupid reason.

kevbo's avatar

Sounds like you haven’t seen Heat.

Possible? Yes. Also, some people recreate abandonment when that is more comfortable for them than the present situation.

Freedom_Issues's avatar

I have had experience with this. Guys breaking up with me because they think I’m too good for them. That kind of attitude really mixes me up, if I were to be “too good” for him, wouldn’t he then be happy that he gets to be with me? Or does it damage his ego? I never thought I was too good for him. Or is this just a lame excuse, and he just doesn’t want to say he’s not that into me? So many questions, and never really got an answer. I feel ya…but with this guy it’s for the better you’re not with him, I mean a drug dealer as a career? Run far away.

melanie81's avatar

@Freedom_Issues Yeah, you just nailed it. I could tell that he was always afraid of losing me…that every time he made some kind of mistake, he was afraid of looking like less of a man to me…it’s just funny how he was so scared of losing me that he shut me out before I even had the chance to.

I do realize that this is for the best. Unfortunately I’d just gotten to the point of trusting my feelings with this guy. And when that happens it’s like letting the flood gates open. ARgghh, why hadn’t I just waited one more WEEK?!

@kevbo Very interesting – makes total sense. Thanks!

phillis's avatar

He did you the favor you could not do for yourself. He dissolved the two of you Yes, it IS possible for a guy (or gal) to break up for that reason. However, to use that reason is always a cop out. Instead of rising to meet the chllenge of facing his mistakes AND keeping you, he dumped you, instead. He chose his way of life over your love. His priorities were completely different than yours, and obviously, you didn’t even make the list, much less, the number one spot. Nice guy you chose.

Even if he WERE able to be a good boyfriend, your insistence on associating with him will eventually land you in prison. Maybe that’s a romatic notion to you, I don’t know. But count your blessings, baby. This one should have been a no-brainer.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

Possibly, in a situation like yours. You are too good for him, drug dealers are not a good sort to get involved with. He probably feels an obligation to you to spare you all of the unpleasant features of his life.

Judi's avatar

It’s a very sweet way to say I don’t want to be with someone who is not OK with my lifestyle choices. Smooth.

Jeruba's avatar

@Judi may be right, and I may simply be uncharitable, but I usually hear this one as a coward’s way out. It’s not to spare you at all. Rather, it’s a conveniently unanswerable point. He knows you won’t be saying “Oh, no, I’m not—I’m as bad as you are.”

More likely you are simply a reproach to him just by being who you are. People don’t like to feel judged, and he probably does, whether you say anything or not. In reality he doesn’t want to be any better than he is, and he doesn’t want to think about what that means or own up to it. Saying good-bye to you costs him less than making a change.

Don’t fasten on those words or try to consider them rationally. They don’t really have any significance. He said what he had to say to make you go away. That’s the part to pay attention to.

Sorry to be so blunt. Maybe Judi’s answer is better after all.

phillis's avatar

That’s the beauty of a community, don’t you think, @Jeruba? There are countless ways to say the same thing. You never know what approach will benefit a person. It’s a fantastic answer.

melanie81's avatar

@phillis YES, that’s the one thing that keeps me far away – is the possibility of being sucked into this life of his. Though I do care for him on a much deeper level than all of this, it’s not neeeearly enough to go to prison with him!

He did choose his way of life over my love. I really hate that. Because there’s no denying that we had something incredible. But to each his own. Obviously it just wasn’t meant to be with this guy.

@FireMadeFlesh couldn’t agree with you more. I have heard this line from guys before, and definitely saw through it as a cowardly way out with them…but I truly think this guy means it. (However, I’m not denying that it all comes down to him breaking up with me.)

phillis's avatar

@melanie81I’m sorry it hurt you. It is to your credit that you are able to see that he wasn’t the one for you. Well played, Melanie. I’m proud of you.

mynet's avatar

i would be glad if my parents and friends, church pasters and instructors be too good to me than my girl friend. in relationship i am in search of love and enjoying whatever good or bad is there with her, not only her being good in anyway . My understanding is love and good are not synonymies and good can not replace the love. when you are in love you can not see the bad as others see it, and it is when this happens that you are said to be in love.

Haven’t you find yourself being attracted to a man or a woman that is not good to you in anyway, declining other possibilities of being or becoming in a relationship with other people who are even sacrificing themselves in many way just to be with us in a relationship.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

@melanie81 It sounds like it, although I wouldn’t accept it from anyone else. It is good of you to see the good in him despite his lifestyle and business. As hard as it is, take it as a good turn from a nice guy, and move on.

cold_cut's avatar

@phillis AMEN to phillis’s answer and i complete agree with her through and through.

_Jade_'s avatar

Yes, I think it is. I also think there are several reasons why he/she would.
Low self esteem…they actually believe that they aren’t good enough for anyone

They don’t want to be with that person any more and it’s an easy way out while trying to make themselves look like they are making the sacrifice to benefit the other person.

They are being honest and care enough about the person to let them go rather than bring them down.

pearls's avatar

@phillis Very good answer.

Cotton101's avatar

@pearls agreed Pearls…

a drug dealer is a loser…he did her a HUGE favor!

CaptainHarley's avatar

Yes, guys can sometime realize that they are pulling a girl down to their level. It doesen’t always have to be because of illegal stuff either. The really interesting thing is that very, very few women will do the same thing.

john65pennington's avatar

I have another thought, concerning this situation. stating to you “you are too good for me” is a copout. its not the realtionship he is worried about, its you being a good person and he is afraid you will notify the police of his drug dealing. he made a choice and the choice was not you, it was his love of money selling illegal drugs and not his love for you. i see it this way, because of my dealing with drug dealers in my occupation. their love of money and the “fine things of life”, do not include a person they cannot trust. this may not be the situation at all, but based on past experiences, it appears this way to me. sorry you fell for a loser. his time is coming and you do not want to be part of his final act.

veronasgirl's avatar

I think it is possible but if that were the case. I don’t think he would think “she is too good for me” it would probably be “I’m not good enough for her”. Depending on what makes her so much better that could strain any relationship. Is her family rich or powerful? Are there unrealistic expectations set for her? Is she incredibly talented? The list goes on and on, but I think it would come down to more of a self-worth issue for the guy, for whatever reason he feels he isn’t capable of making her happy and giving her what she needs.

Cupcake's avatar

It is a copout. I’ve fallen for it before too.

When someone tells you they’re not good enough for you, believe them. They’re not.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

He thinks of his drug habit and dealing as a ‘career’..ya, good thing you’re not together
I don’t care how good the sex was

phillis's avatar

@Cupcake – Brilliant. GA.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir – classic Simone styling. Your answers have a distinct signature that I’ve come to appreciate.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@phillis lol, didn’t know I had a ‘style’ – I guess, in my head, I call it the ‘immigrant way’ because I think in Russian and English and what comes out isn’t always formed according to the English language rules

phillis's avatar

That does explain part of it! It’s the thought process behind them that comes out in the way you place your words. When I first started reading you posts I didn’t notice it; I was still getting acclimated. You have a unique way of viewing things that shows up often in your answers. It’s got a little twist to it. Anyway, I like it. Figured you might enjoy knowing. Have a great day!

MagsRags's avatar

At some level, he recognised that if he was going to stay with you, he’d have to change. And he felt unable or unwilling to change.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@phillis thanks, I am flattered!

Cruiser's avatar

Heck yes and visa versa! My ex left me because she felt she didn’t measure up to me and my successful friends and then chose to slum around with drug dealers and addicts. I guess she felt more comfortable around losers who were not accountable for their actions.

melanie81's avatar

YES to all! You guys are amazing. Seriously – it’s so refreshing to come here for advice.

@Cruiser Sorry to hear about your ex – this kind of sounds like this guy too. He used to have a couple of really great friends that I met last month…then they “fell through” (he probably shut them out the way he shut me out). Now he has practically no friends, and the friends he does have are just on the surface.

@MagsRags Yep. It sucks that he chose a “career” (@Simone_De_Beauvoir SERIOUSLY, I can’t believe he kept referring to it as a freaking “career”!) over what we had. If we were simply going on dates here and there, nothing serious, that would be one thing. But he gave up the best relationship that will ever happen to him, I know that for a fact. Not many quality girls would put up with this the way I did, but I am cursed to care and love people 100% unconditionally. It’s something I need to work on.

@john65pennington That could most definitely be the root of all of this. I didn’t hesitate at all to stand up for the fact that he was too smart for all of this, and that I don’t agree with it – and that’s when he did a 180 change toward me. Thanks for a refreshing take on the situation.

@Jade @veronasgirl Low self-esteem is right. Sucks, because he really had so much going for him that he doesn’t need to be involved in this bullshit. Seriously, if you saw him in the street, you wouldn’t think for one second that he even smoked pot, much less sold it. I wish there was something I could do to make him realize that he’s better than this, but obviously he’s entirely too caught up in it all. It’s like a black hole.

@phillis Thank you :)

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

From my viewpoint, despite his activities as a drug dealer, he had sufficient character and respect for you to recognise that his criminal activities would likely affect you adversely.
I doubt that was an easy thing to do. If he really wants to clean up his act, he will and he might touch base with you again, Depending on where you are at then, there may be an opportunity to reestablish some kind of relationship.

I don’t see any advantage for you in putting your life on hold, waiting for him to be worthy of you. Get on with your life and with time the life lessons from this experience may lead you to better choices in those with whom you get romantically involved.

I hope you life brings you all the good things you wish for yourself.


Pandora's avatar

@phillis Totally agree with you. He chose what he does, which is illegal over his love for her.
@melanie81 I had a guy dump me before years before I was married and I think it was for the same reason (but I had no proof, just suspected), He was probably right in that it wouldn’t have ended well for either of us, because he knew I didn’t do drugs and destested anyone who would prey on others to make a buck. His friends even asked me to try to talk some sense to him and stay because he was better with me. And he even try to make up with me after calling us off. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand by and watch him destroy his life. I think your ex thinks the same thing. He knew he would never change, even for you, and he would only ruin you in the end. You would resent him and he would loose the image of who you were too him. Nobody wins.

lovemypits86's avatar

I think it i had a guy think that about me. he didn;t know how to end it so he cheated on me

DrMC's avatar

It’s possible the guy was reacting to the confronation regarding his life choices was too negative for him to face. He recognized a situation of codependence developing and reacted on the gut level thinking how best to I avoid being treated like that again.

Then justification through what he believed “she’s too high, and I’m going to be hearing about it” – maybe even got that off a friend who advised him.

First. Avoid codependence.
Second. If you plan on working with someone as their therapist (I know that is not your interest) – you better learn the comfort zones of your target. Confrontation takes years to get good at, and some are just better than others. It’s a matter of working over an extended period until one day he says….

“you know these deals are screwing up my life”

Then you gently push the swing to make it swing harder, not at the wrong time but the right time.

This is a profession move done by professionals. With relatives, good luck. I’ve tried.

The only time you ever get to chose your relatives is when you chose who you’ll marry.

This guy has some work ahead of him.

Also If you feel so strongly about drug dealing, why date?

bean's avatar

when two people love each other your equally as good as the other.
plus, they wanted to be in a relationship with you… or you wanted to be in a relationship with them…obviously they are good enough.
But staying with some one like this could land you in trouble, so best thing for the both of you was to break up (even though it hurt heaps) for him, he didn’t want to change his ways… you can’t be with some one like that unless, again, your looking for trouble.

melanie81's avatar

@DrMC Thanks for the advice. Some friends of mine also thought this guy may have been ‘advised’ by one of his new scumbag roommates. Whatever though – this seems so far in my past! Your words are definitely ones to keep in mind for the next one (re: the co-dependent stuff).

@bean Yep – I always date 100% with my heart and 0% with my head…gets me into a lot of trouble, so I’m trying to change that for the future!

bean's avatar

@melanie81 I know how that is, feeling your heart and not using your head. good luck with it all~

TheJoker's avatar

If you really love someone you always want whats best for them…. even if that means your absence.

slopolk's avatar

It is very possible that your friend realized that you are too good for him. This person knows that they are not going to change and being with a person such as yourself, makes them feel 1) insecure 2) guilty 3) self-conscious. The magnetic attraction that you feel is: Every good girl wants a bad boy. The thrill of his non square life style excites you. This is why you still think about him, but if you love your job and value your life-style (free of jail and trouble with the police) then don’t get yourself caught up, because sooner or later drug dealers go to jail (its a hazard of the job). Besides haven’t you ever heard that everyone wants to be with (*%?>) the dopeman!

mowens's avatar

I once broke up with my imaginary friend because he didn’t exist.

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