How should I explain death to my four-year-old?

I think you should wait for her to bring it up again before saying anything. If you’d like, maybe you could explain dying as “a never ending sleep”. That’s a tough explanation. But then again, she may be afraid to sleep then…. Sorry, no clue then.
Maybe you could just say that it’s nothing she has to worry about, and that it’s a grown-up matter.

My daughters have both brought this up in the past. Children are surprisingly more understanding and capable of dealing with complex emotions than we give them credit for. Just let her deal with it at her own pace. She may or may not bring it up again. Be consistent and reassuring, and she’ll come to terms with it on her own.

Thanks @curiouscat and @simpleD you both made me feel better. So basically just keep up with the types of things I was saying today?

Tell her that you don’t have to be a Grandma to die, and that Grandma’s have a lot more people who love them around them.

May I ask if you have any religious affiliation or spiritual beliefs (like a Heaven, etc.) that you could use to help explain crossing over?

I remember being terrified of death as a child. I used to wake up crying in the middle of the night afraid of dying. One thing my dad used to tell me was that it wouldn’t happen to me for a very very long time and when I got to the point where it was my time to go, I would be ready, and I’d just sort of go to sleep. Now, that’s sort of a sugary version. But my advice would be to not bring it up with her unless she is wanting to talk about it and to be as honest as you can be. I don’t know if you have a religion to help you explain it. But here are some books that I came across with a quick amazon search that may help.

@Taciturnu We are raising our kids Catholic, we believe in Heaven and all that.

@ubersiren Did that make you feel okay about it?

Missy I wasn’t 4 when it was explained to me but probably about 8 years old. My dad in a casual way said that someday he won’t be around when he dies. (He had a hepetitus) I told him I didn’t want to be in a world without him and that God would be cruel. He said that we are like beautiful flowers each waiting to bloom in the spring and when we reach our full beauty than God would pluck us and take us home, where we would never lose our beauty. I then told him God was selfish because I would need him forever. He then said not to worry because one day I would have children and their love will mean even more than I could dream. The same way my love meant the world to him. He said he would have to go to make room for more love in my life. . And he asked me to trust him in what he is telling me. I believed everything my dad said and so I never forgot but I wasn’t frighten by death either. He also told me not to worry because he was going to stick as long as he could.

@missyb : temporarily, at the time, yes. As it turns out, my fear of death is a bigger problem than just childhood naivety and has extended into my adulthood. I’ve got big problems with the issue. But I feel like if I was just a normal confused kid, it would’ve blown over. Perhaps I would’ve appreciated a little more honesty, looking back, but I know that anything my dad said was going to make me feel better.

Wow….I just have an 18 month old and one of those things I dread is when its time to explain what death means. good luck with it and give me some pointers

I’m wondering if your daughter is feeling scared about being separating from you now, and her fears of death were secondary; just one way for that to happen.

But on the topic of death, I had that conversation with my son when he was 4 concerning his sister, who had leukemia. Strangely, I don’t remember how I explained it to him. But I do remember how I tried to prepare my old-souled 2½ year old daughter. And the strange thing was, she got it. Having a child in heaven has taken away any (ok, most) of the scariness at the thought of dying.

@missyb Then one option I would consider is talking about death as an exciting event, and teach her not to view it as “the end.” We cry sometimes when we’re happy, and sometimes when we’re sad. We are sad that we are going to miss them for a while, and happy that they are angels with Christ, and that we are going to see them again one day!

By the time she is capable of grasping the full concept of death, she will also (I can only assume, according to your response) have a greater sense of religion and spirituality to coincide with that.

Hope this helps you. :)

I totally disagree with the “neverending sleep” comment. Children are very literal, and if you say they that they may develop fear themselves of going to sleep.

My daughter was 5 when my dad died. I said, “Grandpa died. People will be very sad, so if you need to be alone, or away from people, that’s okay. If you want to stay with me or mom, that’s okay too. It’s up to you.”

Death is the extension of life in which we continue to grow spiritually and get closer to God. It make sense to try teaching our children that concept in any way they can understand.

Thanks everyone for your input/insight. I guess everyone (including kids) deals with this stuff differently, and it all comes down to doing what seems right for my own kid. And hope I don’t screw it up too badly!

I disagree also with the “extension of life” and “get closer to God” comments. Again, it may literally put the fear of God into them.

@Rarebear What would you suggest?

@nitemer I suggest what I said in my comment above. See “My daughter was 5…”

I did this my way when my kids were younger, they are much older now and the love of God has been a profoundly positive and strong foundation of their lives.

Nevertheless, the concept of a god is new and scary for a 4 year old. When my dad died he rabbi gave me two books to read. I read them quickly and here is the gist.

Tell the child that Grandpa has died. Don’t use words like “passed on” “gone to a better place”, “with God” or “sleeping”. Say that people will be sad and it’s okay for the child to be sad also. If he wants to be with people, fine. If he wants to play by himself, that’s okay too.

Give the child the option of going to the funeral or not. Tell him exactly what will happen. (Everybody will be dressed in black, and many people will be crying. There will be a few speeches made. Grandpa will be in a big box and be lowered to the ground.)

If it’s an open casket funeral (which Jews don’t have so I didn’t have to deal with this), you can give the kid the option of seeing the body, but generally advise against it. It may frighten them, because it looks too much like they’re sleeping.

Expect the kid to experience inappropriate behavior like laughing or giggling, and don’t get upset. Tell the kid that that is inappropriate at a funeral, and it may upset everybody around. Take them to another room if it continues, but don’t chastize them.

The kid may show grief in other ways, and it’s important to look out for it. They may have a tough time getting to sleep, or be afraid to get to sleep. They may act out. They may break things to get attention. They may somatasize pain. They may cry. It’s important to recognize these for what they are. Sometimes a family grief counselor that specializes in kids will be of help.

It would be easier for me if there had been a death, but there hasn’t! She just started thinking about it and crying one day. If she were sad about a pet or a grandparent or a sibling or something I would have a better idea what to say to her, but this….I mean the truth “Yes, everyone dies someday” is just so bleak for a child. She hasn’t mentioned it since. Thank goodness, because I still don’t know what to say to her.

My son is 6 and asking about death at the moment. Our dog recently died which is what I think has prompted his questions. We simply told him our pet had gone to doggy heaven.
Since then his mind has obviously been wondering what happens to all of us when we die.
I am struggling to explain this to him, we have told him that our souls go to heaven to be with god and it’s a lovely place where we don’t need our bodies and don’t ever feel sad.
I have also told him its not something that will happen to us for a long long time.
It’s a subject that is very difficult to explain to a child.

I would say that he ran out of lives. Like in a video game.