Is it justified for me to want to move out of my parents house?

Yes, you are justified. But do you have the financial means in place to pay your own bills?

You have basic human rights.

You have the right to be safe from harm.
You have the right to live without a hospital on speed-dial.
You have the right to exist for yourself, not as clean-up crew.
You have the right to defend yourself and your well-being.
You have the right to leave- even if your Mother isn’t willing to go.

@Val123 I have no financial means. I worked a summer job and I have approximately 1000 dollars in my bank account. I go to school full time. I dont know where to go, anyways. To be honest, I am a bit scared for my life if I leave. I dont want him to hurt me or anyone.

hang in there and get out when you can… traumatic events with parents drinking will haunt you forever, you’re not alone! i used to cope with similar shit by promising to never turn into that, and to do everything in my power to be a better/more responsible parent who doesn’t put their children through hell. head up!

@gemiwing Thank you. Really. I needed that.

@Samantha_Rae I tell myself that everyday. I can’t wait to leave.

Based on the information you’ve provided, I think you have more than enough of a justification to leave your home. Your mom has obviously made her choice, and the fact she chooses to risk your well-being to stay with your father makes me sad that these sorts of situations happen at all. So, yes. You definately have the right to leave, and aren’t being selfish at all.

@naivete : you will get to one day, and it will feel so effen amazing… i promise you!!!! and, i can’t say because i haven’t gotten there yet, but i think it will feel even better to not repeat these mistakes in your own life :) you have a lot to look forward to (as do i)

I once faced a decision like this, and my choice was one of self defense.

Justice is tricky, a very deep question indeed. The simple answer would be that leaving may better your situation, even if financially destructive.

I paid heavily for my choice, put myself through college.

My brothers suffered. I was the lightning rod. After I left if got really bad for them. None of us finished high school, although 2 of us got advanced degrees.

A friend of mine ran away. She was so stubborn she went into prostitution instead of going back home.

Leaving home can be extremely dangerous and destructive to a minor.

Can you stay with a relative till you turn 18, or put up with dad for 1 year and then go to college?

If you can GET OUT! I’m serious. You are way better off living with some friend than with your dad. I’m surprised he has custody of you! You should really call CPS and/or the police
Are you in Vancouver BC or WA?

@DrC I can live with a relative but like I said, I’m scared for myself and my family. Sometimes I feel like I’m blowing everything out of proportion but I look at myself and realize how destructive he has been. It is expected (in fact it has been said) that I can not go to a college that is far away from home. If he has his way, I’ll be staying here until I get married.

@naivete Your father’s choices are not something you have to own. He is a grown man, not a child (no matter how childish he may act). Your job is to take care of yourself and stay safe. He’s abusive if you are there and he will be abusive when you go. This doesn’t center around you- it centers around his addiction and illness. Don’t own his problems, give them back to him.

The first thing to do is to get yourself to an Alateen or Alanon meeting. You can learn coping methods so that you don’t go nuts until you reach a point where you can get out. If you can get your mom and siblings to go also.

Truly this is step one and it is free and you will get help on what to do and how to accomplish it. Look in your phone book, wherever there is an AA meeting there is almost always an alanon as well. Call and find out where the meetings are.

There is usually help available, you just have to know how to access it.

You can check out local meetings on line also.

@rooeytoo I’m contacting one right now. I’ve put this off for too long.

@naivete You can’t see it, but I’m giving you a standing ovation.

you are being physically and emotionally abused.. that is ILLEGAL! Going to meeting isn’t going to solve the problem.

Go to a meeting through Al-Ateen ASAP, you will be able to network and get some immediate help.

Seek legal advice specific to your state regarding emancipation as a minor.

No matter what, always remember that your safety and sanity must be top priority from here on out. Sadly, sometimes blood is not thicker than water. Please be careful, and confide only in friends who will be discreet. You can do it!! We are all cheering you on…

Why are you scared if you leave?

@Violet Maybe it will open up things to me that I didnt know existed. A little extra support never hurt, right?

You only have one life to live. You have to do whats best for you atm.

@mcbealer I dont know if they have a Al-Ateen in Canada

@naivete if my boyfriend was beating me, would you tell me to go to meetings, or to go to the police and get the hell out?

@Violet He used to hit me. It stopped at around age 10. He’ll get too close to my face from time to time and he is verbally abusive but trust me, I’d be out the door if he laid his hands on me or my siblings again.

So. Yes. In answer to your question, from all of the detail, you are justified. Are you of legal age?

@naivete I hate to advocate violence, but if you can, next time he gets in your face knock his ass out.

@naivete is your mother a good parent? I still think you are in an unsafe living environment.

@Sampson Hmmm.. I definately would.. If there wasn’t a 150 pound difference in weight.

@naivete – usually alateen and alanon go on wherever aa meetings are. Contact any one of them that you can. And remember not all meetings are the same, if you don’t feel comfortable at the first one, try a different one, they all have a life of their own so to speak and they all offer something good. Lots of info on line.

You will be okay, just stay low until you get to some meetings.

@Violet I love my mother to death. She’s been married to him for 18 years. She doesnt know a life without this man. She got married to him at 18, had me at 19. If I feel like crap all the time, I can only imagine how she feels. She’s threatened to leave but she just can’t bring herself to leave. She’s afraid he’ll kill himself (he’s suicidal)

@naivete “Find a safe environment. If you find yourself avoiding your house as much as possible, or if you’re thinking about running away, consider whether you feel in danger at home. If you feel that the situation at home is becoming dangerous, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE. And never hesitate to dial 911 if you think you or another family member is in immediate danger.”

Canada Al-Ateen/Al-Anon info

Thanks for the research, @mcbealer. You’re a winner (:

@naivete If anything does happen like that, you need to know for a fact, it’s not your fault.

I think the quick and dirty issue is, that if you feel unsafe, and worry for your family you have 2 angles that don’t involve the law. The relative, or your mom. First, I would definitely plug into Alanon. I needed that for when I moved in with the alcoholic relative. Another story, another day. Very enlightening.

I have to express concern, at this point – persons like yourself are high risk for all sorts of nasty outcomes, unrelated to your father. All would like to think of yourself as safe. Don’t do anything rash (like I did) if you can help it. If you are not safe call 911.

If your mom wont pony up to stand up to dad, even knowing it’s driving you out of the house, then it’s hopeless. Do what you can for your sibs. She’s lost.

No one can go through this and not need counseling. Go to Alanon first. See what they say.

There are lots of opportunistic sharks out there who take advantage of your desperation. Run away is last resort. There are numerous gov sponsored alternatives that are a whole lot safer. Your mom should be motivated to prevent that as well.

by the way, you could stay on campus when you get in college. Just don’t blow it out of proportion now. If you can safely work things out college will go easier for you. Alanon could be a reality check if you are over reacting.

Should I ever give up hope for him? Should I hang on to the belief that he can and will someday change? He’s been drinking since I was born.

you still have hope for him? It’s possible he’ll change.. but I wouldn’t keep my hopes up

In my exerience, I’ve seen a few change. It’s when the wife says it’s me or the booze. Often the booze is chosen. It’s not your choice. It’s his.

@DrC Staying on campus is very expensive. If I move out, I doubt I’ll receive any support from home. My mom told me that she’s got 40k in an education fund for me but I dont know if that’s still valid if I’m no longer staying at home.

@naivete you’re question was originally about moving out.. I think that is the best thing for you

Not everyone can do this, consider student loans, etc, or live with relative while going. When you are a graduate student you get paid. Afterwards you have a job. The military is another way I almost used. Focus your actions on the now and the later. The later you’ll have to get to later. The now, is how you will cope the next few days. Get through now, and work on later gradually. It’s time to find out about options, and financial aid. Don’t be a victim. Get to work.

you could call child services or petition the court to be an emancipated minor

@naivete I am concerned about you and the situation in which you find yourself.

Contacting Al-ateen is a great first step and your local Child and Family Services may be able to offer you a wide range of options that will protect you and other at-risk members of your family.

You deserve to have the best possible chance for a safe and healthy environment.
You were wise to ask for advice and help. Now it is up yo you to examine the available choices and go in the direction that will best satisfy your needs and concerns.

Keep us informed on your progress!

@talljasperman I agree 100%

I think the advice that has been given above is priceless and don’t really have anything further to add to it. I think @DrMC and @gemiwing and @Sampson have made some incredible points.

I just wanted to say that having been in abusive relationships myself I know that it’s incredibly painful, but they were not comparable what you describe. I really hope you do manage to get away from this situation safely and soon. Much love and do, please let us know how you are getting on… xxx

I think you should leave if you feel uncomfortable/fearful at home. As you are 17, you may be able to get government assistance for living away from home. A friend of mine did this. He was 16 when he left home, and the government gave him enough money to help him get on his feet and become a contributing member of society. They helped pay his rent and pay for his food for a while, until he got a steady job and could support himself.

If you cannot move out on your own (for whatever reason), you could move in with a relative or a friend. Do you have any friends who are independent, or who have understanding parents? If so, you could ask if you could move in with them. However, this kind of thing will be a huge imposition. You’ll have to get a job, and you’ll possibly have to help pay for groceries, rent, and a share of the utility bills (water, electricity).

If things are really bad, and your father escalates to physical violence, but you have no friends or relatives to stay with, you could temporarily stay at a shelter until you can find a place to go. Look up your nearest shelter on the internet or in the phone book, so you are prepared if you need to leave in a hurry.

Also, with regard to your mother…. if she does not want to leave, there really isn’t much you can do about it. You’re better off leaving on your own than staying there for her. She needs to make the decision to leave on her own. Perhaps you leaving will serve as a wake up call of sorts for her, and she will realize that living in an abusive household is not safe.

Whatever happens, good luck.

You did not say whether you are a male or female. looking at your avatar, i assume you are a male. 18 is not that far away for you. unfortunaltely, your dad appears to a person that has the gene that makes him addicted to alcohol. it appears your mother is on the defensive, because of the money and a nice home that she does not want to leave. where does this leave you? you are correct, your age, in most states, still makes you a minor. does that mean you have to live in this situation? no. have you contacted Childrens Services in your town? this is unusual for a child to request protection on their own, but it does and will happen. your mother is going to have to answer to authorities as to why she is allowing you to have to live under these conditions. you have two parents and apparently one is not capable of making a decision, so the other parent(your mother) will be held accountable for your safety. you do have resources out there available to assist you. but, you have to file a complaint first. call the police and meet a police officer at some location, other than your home. he will make a report and notify the proper people for you. do not go this alone. it will drive you crazy. make the call to the police. they will start the ball rolling for you. make the call.

Move in with a family member if you can, sometimes that may be the only option. If youre close with some kind of extended family try it.

I would suggest calling his side of the family as they may already know about this issue and sympathize with you. My father wasnt a raging alcoholic or anything but he would get drunk sometimes and become very nasty towards myself (his only child) and my grandmother (his mother) which upset me way too often, it became a bad situation of living in this stressful environment and i decided to live with my aunt (his sister) for a while because she knew how he was.

Alanon and Alateen
Vancouver Central Services Office
101–3680 East Hastings St.
Vancouver, B.C. V5K 2A9
604–688-1716

@jesuswasajewbot I’m a female. Just for clarification.

@naivete – Also look into ACOA so that you don’t end up in the the same sort of relationship as an adult.

I too grew up with a vicious violent alcoholic in my family, an older brother. I found Alanon too soft, they were too much of a coping with type attitude, I was furious, I wanted to kill the bastard. If you are full of fury, ACOA is good.

A good friend of mine always told how he had a plastic bag with clothes and money buried in the back yard. In case it got so bad he and his brother had to run away (his mom had already split), he was always prepared. It is always good to have an excape plan.

yes you are definitely justified! i’m 17 also, and i’m also going through some issues at home that are almost similar to yours, except at least your father provides for you, and i left! i have a job making about 350 every other week..my sister and i decided to be roomates and we got a small 2 bdrm 2 bathroom apartment, which costs 700 dollars and we got the hell out, with my lil sister…and i pay 350 every month for rent, while taking care of other stuf….it’s really hard making ends meet financially but trust me peace of mind is the most important thing, and i’d rather be struggling than be in a home that i’m not comfortable in because that can mess you up mentally, emotionally, physically, etc. you’re definitely justified :]

Just be careful, guys.

Your situation appears very serious. Consider contacting a local Domestic Violence agency. They will have referrals and resources for you, your mom and any other family members affected by this abusive homelife. These are professionals who are familiar with local laws and will be objective in reviewing your situation. They may also have transitional housing available.

Go.
You do not have to stay.
Their are support sytems all over the place for you..go and get help to erradicate yourself from this intolerable situation.
Your mother will leave after you are Ok.
She is an adult, you are underage.
Choose happiness rather than unhappiness if you stay there.
Good luck, you can make it.