General Question

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Relationships and nasty fights, how many do you have a month?

Asked by Hypocrisy_Central (26798points) December 27th, 2009

I know people some even family who are very irked over the fact that my fiancée and I may have a few points where we disagree but we don’t argue over them or get into knock down drag out shouting matches that many, many others seem to have. How strange to you believe it is for a couple not to have arguments are vicious nasty fights? I am told that you HAVE to have those nasty fights in order to come together, find common ground. Do you believe that? Is that what works for you? What do you believe the yearly average of nasty fights constitute a “healthy relationship”?

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27 Answers

DominicX's avatar

I remember a question like this before where people kept making claims of “fighting is healthy”. I don’t know, all I can say is that my parents never fought. Doesn’t mean that they didn’t disagree, they definitely did sometimes, but there weren’t any real fights and I preferred it that way. Secondly, my boyfriend and I haven’t fought once. I think the worst it got was I was impatient with his unwillingness to participate in something he said he would. I know that some people believe a relationship is bad if there aren’t bad arguments and fights, but I simply disagree.

However, I don’t believe that a relationship is bad just because they do have bad arguments and/or fights (non-violent of course) every now and then.

Berserker's avatar

My boyfriend and I have the occasional spat…but I mean, he’s so awesome and sweet. He knows how to stop it all and convert it into something mature and constructive. I’m the one who’s all dramatic and bitchy alla time, I don’t even know how he puts up with me.

phillis's avatar

First, we have to get beyond the initial stumbling block of what constitutes a knock-down-drag-out. To some, it means physical violence. To others, it means even the slightly elevated disagreement. For me, the latter is what makes it a “bad” fight. Hubby and I have an elevated disagreement about every 6 weeks, I’d say. Neither of us fight dirty (bring up past mistakes, keep a score card of every sleight, withhold sex) and it’s over nearly as quickly as it started. We match in that respect; neither stays angry for long.

gemiwing's avatar

We disagree but yelling means you’ve stopped communicating. Our ‘fights’ are peppered with ‘I feel’, ‘How it seems to me’, ‘So you’re saying-’ and lots of laughter afterward. We work hard to keep the discussions civil and respectful.

Violet's avatar

The worst arguments I have with my boyfriend are really pretty mild. Those I think are healthy, because we’ll apologize, and learn from the experience. 99% of the time, I’m the one who starts the argument because he flaked on me, or he was late, or something else silly like that.
Shouting fights are not healthy.

randomness's avatar

My boyfriend and I never have nasty fights…. or fights at all really. We do disagree, and sometimes we disagree more strongly than other times… but I don’t think we’ve ever had what I’d call a fight, and we’ve been together for almost two years now.

I don’t think relationships need fights to be healthy. In fact, I think relationships without fights are healthier. It shows that the people in the relationship can deal with their disagreements in adult ways, without resulting to yelling, ignoring, denying sex, physical violence, or being snooty.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

@randomness THAT is exactly what I try to say. But nooooooo…....many think it shows lack of passion or real concern because you can’t get worked up enough over it. I can’t see where hurling insults and screaming like 4 year olds on a playground shows more passion than being adult and civil.

randomness's avatar

@Hypocrisy_Central Exactly. There will always be disagreements…. that’s a given. However, how two people deal with those disagreements shows how healthy their relationship truly is. If they deal with it by fighting, they obviously have some issues. If they deal with it with a reasonable discussion…. kudos to them.

phillis's avatar

That’s retarded, HC! Truth from fiction, fact from diction :)
Tell them THAT, next time they say that fights are a healthy way of showing “passion”. C’mon, guy, where’s that famous personal strength? Put ‘em in thier place. Or either walk away, leaving them to stew. Either way, you win :)

HumourMe's avatar

No relationships-no fights. It works for me.

gemiwing's avatar

I think of it this way- I’m passionate about Pixar movies. I love them and think they are marvelous. That doesn’t mean when I talk about them to someone I should scream at them, throw things at them or call them an asshole.
although I’m having a good chuckle at the thought.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

@phillis Go figure? They believe that they have to see some sort of manifestation of interest in order to have passion. That it is unhealthy not to have nasty fights that get truly ugly, the lack of such shows you don’t care enough to make a fuss. Why they feel that, who can tell?

phillis's avatar

I have an odd notion of what “passion” and “healthy” are. Looks like you’re odd, too. We can be odd together. Works for me!

nebule's avatar

Having been in abusive relationships where arguments would occur at least once or twice a week, ranging from verbal slanging matches to full blown beatings I now believe that loving relationships shouldn’t involve any fighting however disagreements are a necessary by-product of human interaction, full stop. We will never always agree on everything but there are calm, honest sincere ways of interacting that don’t involve ‘fighting’.

So, good for you that you don’t have nasty fights and I think it’s something you should be very proud of. well done you! xx

denidowi's avatar

Quite often, depending on upbringing, cultural differences, etc., people arguing or fighting over something can be more a reflection of the passion levels of their beliefs than that there is something wrong with their love or relationship.
But it does eventually get down to whether they are gradually learning to respect one another, and grow their relationship.
Because, largely, of the considerable cultural differences beteen my wife and myself and that each of us was largely brought up by our older grandparents in those 2 separate cultures, it has taken us 25 tough years of marriage to considerably reduce much of the past friction and relationship contradictions between us.

denidowi's avatar

Often humour or just making physical contact or physical connections between you can settle the nervous system, and make all the difference in building a closer relationship as well.
Lesson: never underestimate the power of the physical: that does not necessarily mean ‘sex’ ... but, of course, ALL physical things that draw us together make for a great relationahip help.
Obviously, sex is a component, but one usually built towards through prior physical contact. It all comes from the heart, even when there are genuine serious differences of opinion, or upbringing, the feelings of the heart will help you surmount these differences over time.

CaptainHarley's avatar

My wife, Vicky, and I agree on so many things that even mild disagreements are quickly resolved. We’ve never had a fight, much less a “nasty fight.”

denidowi's avatar

That is just Great, CaptainHarley :)

CaptainHarley's avatar

Thank you! I helps that we’re old enough now that what seemed so vitally important at 26 or 36, now seems to have greatly diminised in significance. : )

NaturalMineralWater's avatar

Suffice it to say the ratio per month has gone drastically up.

denidowi's avatar

Well, fortunately, mine has gone drastically DOWN!! :)

Don’t worry, Mineralwater, if you truly love each other AND you Love God, eventually [even 20 or 30 years up] all those differences will melt away, you will each gain respect between you and you will love each other more than ever! ;)

NaturalMineralWater's avatar

@denidowi I hope you’re right. Right now it doesn’t look very promising.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

I lived with a man for 4yrs who never called me a bad name, never raised his voice in anger at me, never shoved me or stormed out on me and it was a passionate and loving relationship. We had a few disgruntled moments but nothing to get steamed up about, he was a blessing to my life every day we were together and I told him so. Before him and since, I’ve had some words with partners and it seems to me it does more harm than good, more of a standoff until someone just gets tired out and wants the relief of affection again rather than working anything out. In my current relationship I make as many efforts as I can to not give in to old patterns and in 6mos, I can say we’ve not had any nasty fights but a few disgruntled moments we have always nipped in the bud quickly and with as much respect as possible.
I lurve re programming!

Judi's avatar

My husband and I have been married nearly 20 years. We fight, (argue) but we never get personal and we never get nasty. This is the most important person in the world to me. Why would I treat him with less respect than I would a total stranger?

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

If it weren’t for my temper issues my fiancé and I would hardly ever fight. He tends to be the quiter one. He’s laid back and doesn’t sweat the small stuff. I’m the opposite but he always figures out a way to bring me back down to earth. I think we compliment each other quite nicely.

Response moderated
Janka's avatar

I do not believe at all that you have to have “nasty fights” for the relationship to be healthy. I fight with my husband very rarely, definitely not once a month, and it very rarely gets any sort of nasty even when we do get cranky with each other. We do disagree on some things, of course, but that’s completely different.

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