General Question

Oxymoron's avatar

I feel self conscious and distant from my boyfriend whenever we don't have sex?

Asked by Oxymoron (1239points) December 27th, 2009

We have sex on average 6 times a week but when there is that time when we don’t (whether he or I be tired or stressed, as we are full time University students) I feel like I have no sex drive the next day and that there has to be a reason for us not having sex that has to do with my appearance as well as feeling distant from the relationship. What is wrong? Does anybody else get this?

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39 Answers

Tink's avatar

I’m no expert but, maybe he’s tired of having sex everyday?

willbrawn's avatar

relax, sometimes people just aren’t in the mood. Don’t take it personal.

Axemusica's avatar

6 times a week? Shit I’d be fine with once. I’d be enthralled to have it 6 times a week.

Fluthermucker's avatar

@Oxymoron Oh, Oxymoron…I feel for you. I have some ideas that might be of interest to you. Maybe you could PM me here or we can talk on the phone, if you like. I feel very badly for your situation and would be more than glad to hear what you have to say. Maybe a shoulder is just the thing you need right now.

Just let me know how I can help. I’m here for you.

willbrawn's avatar

@Fluthermucker she needs to chill and stop over reacting

Axemusica's avatar

@Fluthermucker That’s almost the exact response from you on another thread. hmmmm

Fluthermucker's avatar

@Axemusica If it works…use it. Why break someone that fixes everything?

FishGutsDale's avatar

@Fluthermucker That works? lol not on any emotionally stable girls i know.

willbrawn's avatar

I get it @Fluthermucker is a person who loves rebounds lol

Fluthermucker's avatar

@FishGutsDale Exactly…who needs those. They are a dime a dozen. It’s the nutty ones I like. Crazy phucking is good phucking…and nuts need to get a nut, too

@willbrawn Call me “Jody from the Street”.

Oxymoron's avatar

But is there anything physically or psychologically wrong with me?

willbrawn's avatar

@Oxymoron I would say no, your having sex 6 times a week and sometimes more. Thats great and healthy. You just crave it more, nothing wrong with that at all. But just remember that not everyone is like you. There are other ways a person can show that they love you too.

Fluthermucker's avatar

@Oxymoron I’d hold out for diamonds

holden's avatar

I guess he just needs one day a week to…reload.

Fluthermucker's avatar

@holden Even the Big Man Upstairs rested on the seventh day.

Violet's avatar

Your sex drive is much higher than his, and you can’t change him. I hope you’re not pressuring him for sex. I think you should get a good rabbit vibrator, and just masturbate when you’re bf can’t keep up.

Fluthermucker's avatar

I’ll be a good little bunny, I swear…

Haleth's avatar

@Oxymoron Don’t take this the wrong way, but you guys are really having an impressive amount of sex. It’s not not normal, but you’re probably putting most of us to shame. :p

I noticed in your question that you didn’t mention having a physical need or want for all this sex. It sounds more like you need it just so that you can feel attractive and cared for. I’m really sorry if you feel this way. In our culture we have started to sexualize girls at a very young age. A lot of girls start getting sexual attention from boys and men of all ages at the onset of puberty or even earlier. This can lead to the unhealthy idea that your self-worth comes mostly from your sexuality, because girls that age don’t have much experience with relationships and often have low self-esteem. A lot of this is just guesswork on my part, but it sounds like you feel really bad emotionally when you can’t have sex, not like you’re just horny.

It can feel good, even validating, to have sex with the right person if you’re feeling messed up or neglected in other areas of your life. It can be an expression of love and caring, and it’s nice to feel their attention completely focused on you. It’s also really stressful if you went away from home to go to school because you’re far from your friends and family, and you always have to worry about studying. If your boyfriend is one of the few people you’re close to at school that could be part of the reason. It would probably help if you talk to him about this and get some reassurance that he cares about you and is attracted to you whether or not you have sex all the time.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

@Haleth Awesome answer. :)

Kelly_Obrien's avatar

So you’re saying you would like to have sex with me so you don’t feel distant from your boyfriend?

SABOTEUR's avatar

I don’t know if this applies to you or this topic, but I’m going to put it out there anyway and let you decide.

If your self esteem/image depends on anyone or anything other than yourself, you’ll always find yourself in a position to feel threatened.

My apology if my response is inappropriate to the topic.

Haleth's avatar

@DrasticDreamer :)

@SABOTEUR That’s very well-put. Basing your self-esteem on what someone else thinks about you means you will always feel uncertain and on guard. That’s too much power for any one person to have over another.

SABOTEUR's avatar

@Haleth; Thank you…astute observation via your own reply. Well said!

Cruiser's avatar

You are craving intimacy with your bf, while great sex is vital to a healthy relationship, there are other elements as well. Perhaps try building other aspects of your relationship so you won’t depend on just the sex to feel comfortable and secure in your relatrionship with him.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

You said there has to be a reason for us not having sex that has to do with my appearance as well as feeling distant from the relationship

Is your relationship only about sex? If you’re concerned about his not being interested in sex because that’s the main purpose of the relationship? It’s not uncommon to feel like you have to use sex to keep a boyfriend. Make sure the rest of the relationship is good, too.

Like @Cruiser said, there are other elements to a relationship as well.

Pazza's avatar

I used to feel really distant from my ex partner after sex, then I realised it was because I didn’t love her. Funny thing is, it took the birth of my first daughter with her to realise it.

Life is one big learning curve that gets harder and harder to climb, but you may find tools along the way to help you grip the slope.

daemonelson's avatar

I feel somewhat hypocritical in saying such a thing, but perhaps you’re doing it too much.

Really, you need rest. And not doing that for a while tends to put one’s sex drive right back up there.

JesusWasAJewbot's avatar

That is a lot of sex, maybe he needs to give his soldier a little time off?

@Kelly_Obrien i lol’d.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Though you’re having sex often, I am not sure that you’re having it for the right reasons – that’s one. Though you feel distant in the relationship, I’m not sure it’s because you’re not having sex.

Futomara's avatar

I bet growing up, you observed your parents resolve problems through sex and now you think sex=love, or the lack of it means no love. I’m guessing you had sex with your boyfriend the day you met.

I think @Haleth and @Cruiser provide excellent insight. However, the only way to get your answer is to understand your own behavior and the root cause of such behavior.

HighShaman's avatar

It would appear that the only connection that you two have is when you are in bed and having SEX….

Are you sure that there is any love at all and that it all isn’t just lust and sex ?

Maybe that is why you feel distant etc…. like you are with a stranger unless you are being sexual….

The two of you need to sit down together and talk your relationship thru… if it is just sexual; it will wear out soon and there will be nothing but total emptiness…

denidowi's avatar

Yes; it is funny about the actual act of having sex: if you leave it out more than a day, your natural motivation does tend to drop: it is almost like you need to have your daily feed of each other: but life is great fun really; it tries to keep you in habits – whether they be good habits or not good habits, one tends to be driven on a daily basis, if that is what you’re used toLOL!!

phil196662's avatar

@Oxymoron ; If you take a break do you notice the Sex is even Wilder??? talk to him, ask him if he’s building his little guy’s for a bigger party with you!

Merriment's avatar

It sounds like you feel the sex act validates your relationship. And to a degree that’s fine and normal.

But when you feel it says something negative about the relationship when one or both of you aren’t in the mood it can be a sign that you are counting on the sex to make the relationship. Not the relationship making the sex.

If you are feeling a strong disconnect when you don’t have sex it may be your mind’s way of hinting to you that there are facets of the relationship that aren’t that intimate.

When you seek daily sex to avoid this feeling it may be your way of hiding that thought from yourself.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

I think you have made the mistake of linking your sense of self worth to the frequency with which you have sex. Your worth and beauty as a person and a woman is not connected in any way to anything outside yourself. By all means, enjoy your sex life but don’t measure yourself or your value by it. Just as you would not want to have to make love when you are not up to it physically or emotionally, you would not want to demand that your boyfriend make love with you when he is too tired or stressed or not feeling well.

If your feelings for him are genuine you won’t feel less loving towards him on days where you don’t have sex. How does just plain cuddling work for you? I’m sure he does not care for you one bit less on such days.

If your feelings for each other are absent when you don’t have sex, your relationship needs to be ended. I doubt that is the case.

By the way, six times a week is very frequent and many couples are happy even with much less frequent lovemaking. Do what works for the two of you and enjoy all the good things about your relationship.

I hope this is helpful to you. If you want to discuss this further, off channel, PM me. I have no ulterior motives!

bean's avatar

I know how that feels!!! having sex with your boyfriend just makes you feel loved!!!
cept my boyfriend never made the first move :( and the way he ended up treating me only made me want to try and find that any way I can, even if that was trying to see him most of the time to feel like he cared (which he didn’t) or even if that meant trying to make the first move most of the time… but when he didn’t want to have sex with me he wanted a blow job… but I didnt do that cuz i wanted to make love :(

But you seem to have a much higher sex drive so don’t think too much about it.

denidowi's avatar

@Merriment – sounds good.

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