I need advice on relationships where one person smokes and the other doesn't.

I smoke. I don’t get into relationships with people who are staunchly against it- either they don’t want to be with me because I smoke, or I don’t want to be with someone who nags and doesn’t understand that when I quit it will be for me and when I’m ready, not when someone harasses me into it. I’ve been with people who just don’t like smoking, and so I’m respectful and don’t smoke in the car with them and am careful to not blow it in their direction.

I’m not sure how someone who is very bothered by smoking could magically find themselves with a smoker.

I was in one, playing the non-smoker part. My then boyfriend quit smoking for me because of my asthma. I didn’t force him to, but he understood if he smoked in the apartment or around me too often, I wouldn’t be able to hang out with him because my lungs couldn’t handle it. We’re no longer together due to other issues. Whenever I’m looking for a relationship smoking is usually a turn off (again, just because of asthma), but I don’t judge people if they do smoke. It’s their choice and I have no right to lecture them about it.

When I began dating my (now ex) husband, he stopped smoking because I could not kiss anyone who tasted so foul.

I was in one and after that swore I would never be in another. To someone who doesn’t smoke, a smoker stinks. Their skin, their breath, their clothes, everything. Most of the people I know who date smokers and do not smoke themselves are grossed out by the smell. Even some of them that used to smoke themselves! If you want to, you can make it work even w/ the unattractive smell, but if you want your partner to be happier and you be healthier then quit smoking.

I am in one, used to smoke weed often. I stopped cause of him. Whenever I smoked it would just become a problem because he would get mad that I would do that at “such young age”.

I’m in one where I (the cheerful smoker) am married to the “staunch anti-smoker”.

We have done all the “helpful” articles left on my desk for my edification.
We have done all the guilt tripping (just makes me want a smoke bad)
We have done all the sneak smoking to avoid the hassle (ditto on the makes me want to smoke more)
We have done all the my pointing out the habits of his that I find just as intolerable and offensive.

And were we wound up was this:

If I choose to smoke it’s my choice. I don’t do it around him. Never in the house or car. In other words, I’m respectful in exercising my choice.

He exercises the same freedom on those issues of his that make me say grrrr!

And we rub along fairly well.

My friend smokes and her husband doesn’t. He hates it and gripes at her all the time. She finally got fed up and told him “I smoked when you married me, so get over it!” He backed off some but it is still something they fight about. I personally wouldn’t date anyone that was totally opposed to it. If it is something one partner cannont tolerate it’s probably never going to get better. You have to accept people, warts and all.

Like a million other little annoyances in any relationship, it grows with time.I don’t mean that to sound cynical, just that it needs to be dealt with and prioritized for importance. Easier said that done, I know. I’m a non-smoker and detest the smell of tobacco, so it has been—and will continue to be—a deal-breaker for me.

I’ve been the nonsmoker in a relationship. It was fine, because for whatever reason I’ve never minded cigarette smoke, and because I thought (and still do think) that he looks sexy with a cigarette.

Weed, now, is a different story – I’ve met only one couple who could make it work with one a smoker and the other a non.

I (a non-smoker) am in a relationship with a smoker, and I can tell you that what @BBSDTfamily says is not true for everybody. I have never been repulsed by the smell of his skin, clothes, breath, etc. I think that if you really do feel that disgusted by something your partner does then there is an inherent problem with your relationship that the object of disgust only brings to the surface.

Except for his frequent need to take a cigarette break I barely notice this habit of his anymore. Sure, it’d be nice if he’d take his health a little more seriously and invest that $10 a week into something else, but hey, it’s his life. I can’t tell him what to do.

I’m extremely anti-smoking and I just don’t think I could last with a smoker. I’m even displeased by the fact my boyfriend’s parents smoke and I very often tell him they should stop. His father is now dealing with the disease that killed my grandfather so if my boyfriend smoked my constant nagging would surely have driven a large wedge between us. Some non-smokers are fine with smokers and some are like me.

@hug_of_war mind your own business, maybe?

@hug_of_war You think he (and they) doesn’t know they should stop and that you’ve imparted some great insight?
Smokers know the risks. Children of smokers know the risks. nagging and complaining does nothing.

I’ve been on both sides of this. Before I started smoking, I dated a smoker. I thought that in general, he smelled pretty good, but I would ask him to chew some gum if he wanted to kiss me right after he smoked. It was never an issue.

Later, once I started smoking, it never became much of an issue with anyone. The guy I’m dating now said he was fine with me smoking when I first met, but has become less and less okay with it. That bothers me. I only smoke occasionally, like one or two cigarettes a week, but every time I smoke around him or smell like smoke he complains about it.

@Likeradar @holden—I am allowed my own feelings, beliefs, opinions. I don’t mind my own business on matters that affect people I love. What you do is your own business, I don’t care about you. But I will not be silent on my views on smoking, not ever.

@hug_of_war ditto.

@hug_of_war Nagging someone about smoking does nothing but make them not want to be around you. Have fun with that.

When I met the man who became my husband he was a smoker. He wasn’t allowed to smoke in my house, and he followed that rule carefully. However, after he witnessed several of my cigarette-smoke induced asthma attacks he decided to quit. I am glad he did because it would have been a small thorn at first, but later on would have grown into a barrier equal to that around Sleeping Beauty’s castle.

My mother was a smoker and my father was not. They set rules about when and where she could smoke, she followed the rules, and that was that. Once we kids came along we tried to get her to stop, but he just let her be. She finally quit when she was around 70 or so because she started having breathing problems. Soon thereafter she was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. Apparently nicotine can mask the symptoms for many years.

I never went out with anyone who wasn’t at the very least okay with my smoking – when I got pregnant for the first time, I quit…It was always very easy for me to quit…I’m lucky, my biochemistry doesn’t go batshit when I quit…my first husband promised to quit but didn’t and that was a big issue for me once my son was born…of course he never went through anything and I’m glad I’m not with him anymore…my love that I’m with right doesn’t smoke, never smoked, but he doesn’t care that I smoke occasionally…he carries my cigarettes and lighter around for me ‘cause I’m a spazz…I smoke only when I am away from the babies and can change clothes and take a shower before seeing them again…and I am perfectly aware of all the risks and have no tolerance for people telling me to stop it…

I know of many coupes where one smokes and the other does not. it apparently makes no difference to either party. when you love someone, you accept them as they are and learn to deal with everything about them. same apples to people that chew tobacco. now, thats nasty.

@Likeradar that isn’t necessarily true. While it might not be welcome from a stranger, a loved one reminding you of the dangers of your behavior because they are concerned for you can help you change. I would never respond negatively to a loved one nagging me to take better care of myself, they do it because they care.

Don’t mean to offend smokers…but I don’t date smokers…at all.

I grew up with two chain-smoking parents. I grew up coughing and with bronchial trouble that was linked to their smoking. I finally kicked it having a smoke-free home and embracing a more holistic lifestyle. My father died at a very young age due to smoke related diseases and my mother refused to stop smoking and is now dying from a host of maladies. I have never seen a pair of people so afflicted. It is really sad.
It really does kill you….and if it doesn’t kill you with lung cancer or lung disease it will do it more slowly with everything from Parkinson’s (the chemicals in the tobacco begin to affect your neurons/synapse responses) to heart disease. I’ve seen it.

There was once a man who wanted to date me. I knew he smoked, but I thought, “What the hey…” Because of a rainstorm, we made a dash for his car, where I sat for thirty minutes as we talked and waited for the downpour to abate.

I went home and smelled like I had spent the night in an ashtray. It was just from the smell inside his car (he had not smoked while with me.) I had to wash my clothes, my hair and had to send my coat to the dry cleaners.

I decided that it wasn’t worth it. He was a nice guy, but I really can’t stand the smell of smoke….or what it represents to me personally.

Until the law against smoking in pubs in the Uk was enforced…I never went into a pub as they reeked of smoke. I avoid smoking places if possible. I just can’t stand the smell and it often irritates my lungs again.

Sorry….don’t mean to offend anyone…but it has affected my life and my family and not in positive ways.

So, I would not make my partner quit——I just would never date a smoker. And if you are a smoker, make it clear from the beginning that you are going to be a smoker and won’t quit…..just to make sure that the non-smoker knows where you stand. It’s only fair.

@DarlingRhadamanthus – you didn’t offend this smoker. Your personal history with smoking makes it perfectly understandable that you feel this way about it.

@DarlingRhadamanthus Not offensive to this smoker either. :)

@Merriment and @Likeradar….Thanks so much…but I will still worry about your health…you know….be good to yourselves.

:)

@DarlingRhadamanthus – I, too, grew up knowing family members that smoked, all of whom ended up with nasty health problems because of it. I was determined from an early age never to date a smoker. However, when I met the man who is now my husband I had to decide between loving him and hating smoking. Although I despise smoking, I chose him because he meant more to me than my hate of cigarettes. Fortunately, he felt the same about me and quit smoking.

After years of basically saying that I would never date a smoker, I am now with one. If he chooses to quit, that’s up to him. (He’s said that he’s quitting without me even asking him to, but I don’t expect it to happen right away, even though he’s said that. I understand that smoking is a habit, and a rather disgusting one at that, but it in no way “makes a person”). I used to think a smoker would be gross to kiss and all that. He proved me totally wrong. He’s more important to me than his smoking. He’s a great guy and I’m not about to dump him just because he also happens to be a smoker. I’m a non-smoker and don’t plan on ever starting. I don’t want to be that girlfriend who forces him to stop when he doesn’t feel he’s ready to. While I care about his health, it is not my job to “control” him. I knew he was a smoker before I got with him, so yeah. He’s very respectful of the fact that I don’t smoke, so much to the point that in the beginning he would not even smoke around me. Now, when he does, he makes sure to not blow it on me and stuff like that. I know this might sound a little messed up, but I think he actually looks sexy when he’s smoking. I’m not repulsed by him at all. So far, it’s worked for us. We’ve been together for 3 months now.

@AnonymousGirl – I tried to do that too, and I have the same mentality that I wouldn’t ever want to change the person I’m with. The problem is, I found it increasingly difficult to change how I felt. I couldn’t help but feel annoyed every time I saw him smoke (he quit for a brief while before going back to it). I knew that it wasn’t a big deal, but felt differently.

@eeveegurl This isn’t something that everyone can handle and you shouldn’t feel like you “have” to be okay with it. You don’t. If you ever end up leaving him, you can take a lesson from this to avoid dating smokers if at all possible. Go with your conscience, not necessarily with other people’s experiences in the hopes that it “might work out”. If it’s not working, it’s not working.

@AnonymousGirl – Mmhmm. He’s currently in the process of trying to quit for himself. I explicitly said that I never wanted him to quit for me. That should never be the reason for him to quit. (I just found it strange that I had an ex-boyfriend that constantly smoked, and I didn’t mind it one bit, while I mind so much with my current one. (It’s probably because I genuinely care about this one.)

@eeveegurl That’s actually really interesting. Maybe it just depends on the person for you whether it bothers you or not.

I know someone who married a smoker. He was staunchly against smoking all his life but, after a few years, I noticed him smoking with her on their backyard patio! He told me that she “convinced” him to start and now he looks forward to when they smoke together (his only restriction to date, apparently).
I guess that’s one way to work it out. :)