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Sophief's avatar

Would this hurt you?

Asked by Sophief (6681points) January 2nd, 2010

I have what I believe a great relationship with a man a truly love. He seems happy with us and when I ask he doesn’t want us to split up and wants us to be together. He is very caring and I am happy with him BUT, he is secretive and very flirty. He knows I don’t like secrets, yet when he hears from his ex he doesn’t tell me. When I ask him why he flirts he says he does it for a confidence boost, but I tell him I love and want him all the time and I mean all the time. Is this enough for him? Am I not enough for him? He has been hurt in the past, do I have to pay the price for that? He has never said he loves me, is this why he does it? I know I am going on with this, but I just don’t understand what is happening. Does he want me or not? Sometimes I think he does then when I find things I think he can’t do this or keep this if he really did want me.

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30 Answers

lovemypits86's avatar

if you thinks he’s faithful to you and cares as much as you say then don’t worry bout it just let him know that it bothers and hurts you when he hides things from you. i’ve been there. if you trust him. and some guys that have been hurt before every girl after that one that hurt him is ’‘that girl’’. but if he can just start being honest ya’ll shouldn’t have a problem. hope it works out for you

Sophief's avatar

@lovemypits86 He doesn’t know I know most of the stuff I do and believe me I know a lot. I just thought that after 2 and a half years together he would stop all the secrets, or at least decide if he wants me or not. Everyday I wake up thinking “what will I find today” and it is so unbearable. I know I am very insecure, paranoid anyway, but feel he is taking advantage of that.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

Is the secretiveness and flirtatious behavior more of an irritation than the relationship is worth? I know that this sounds harsh and calculating, but if he is not willing to stop this it will probably continue to annoy you more and more. Whatever is truly unacceptable to you get out into the open and make it clear that the relationship hinges on this.

It sounds like you’ve both got some issues with trust to deal with.

Sophief's avatar

@stranger_in_a_strange_land I have major issues with trust. He knows this. He says he doesn’t want me to leave but if I am not happy then to go. Guess that says it all. He just likes attention from females, as all men do I guess, but he 43, shouldn’t he be past that now?

lovemypits86's avatar

oh. if it’s been going on that long maybe it’s time for you to decide if it’s worth fighting anymore if he still hides stuff

Sophief's avatar

@lovemypits86 I know, but I love him so much and when he doesn’t hide stuff, we get on so well. I just think he either doesn’t know he does it or just can’t help himself.

jca's avatar

if i were you i would consider going to a therapist – just for someone who is objective who can hear both sides of the story. if he went too, you could bounce these thoughts off them. you need someone to determine if you are just being too anxious and needy, or if he is really up to some un-trustworthy behavior. maybe he just does these things for an ego boost, but as the girlfriend that crap could get tiring.

i used to go out with a guy like that and i think half of it was him just being impressed by the girls’ attention.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@Dibley he seems rather selfish in that respect (flirting), IMHO it is far more satifying to give my complete attention to one lady than a bit of attention to many. As for the communication with his ex; if that relationship is truly over romantically, it seems like he should have nothing to hide. Are there issues such as property or children making it necessary to communicate with her? You deserve to be reassured that there is no ongoing relationship behind your back.

jca's avatar

i think sometimes men can be insecure (as can women) and they think this stuff is cute and it’s flattering to them, whereas in reality they love the person they’re with and they would not dream of breaking that up.

Sophief's avatar

@jca You are exactly right there, he even said he does it for an ego boost, but I love and I want him, shouldn’t that be enough?

@stranger_in_a_strange_land There is nothing going off between them sexually, she is with someone else but they were friends a long time before there relationship. There is no property or children. I just don’t know.

JustPlainBarb's avatar

Sounds like he doesn’t want to make a real commitment to you. You’ve allowed him to do that for awhile so I’m sure he thinks how he behaves is actually OK with you.
If you want more from him, tell him so. I would think you deserve better for yourself than to be with a man who just won’t stop playing games with your heart.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

To me, it sounds like he could feel the relationship is good enough until something better comes along. He could be sort of looking.

lovemypits86's avatar

Wow pandoraboxx made me think of me and my husband. lol

PandoraBoxx's avatar

@lovemypits86, guys that use their free time to do volunteer work usually don’t cheat. Stop it!! :-)

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@Dibley Then he should have the courtesy of letting you know what they’re talking about. I don’t know if that’s considered too much to expect; the only relationship I was ever in, we were so emotionally dependent on one another that secrecy and flirting were never issues.

ubersiren's avatar

How long have you been together? If he doesn’t say he loves you, then he very well may not. If he says he doesn’t want to break up and that he’s happy, he may grow into love with you, or he may just be using you as a convenient rebound. You should really have a serious talk and ask him what his intentions and feelings are. Just don’t come off as needy or desperate. Be firm and in control. You should prepare yourself to move on if his answers don’t make you happy. If you stay with someone who you know doesn’t want the same things as you, then you’re letting yourself be used. Good luck- be a strong woman!

lovemypits86's avatar

i know. he’s a great guy i was talking about him finding me

Judi's avatar

Flirting is in some peoples nature. To aak them to stop is to ask them to be someone else. It doesn’t mean they want to sleep with every girl, it means they are friendly and flirty.
If you don’t love him thecway he is, maybe you don’t love him as much as you think you do.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I wouldn’t be okay with the secrecy.

Allie's avatar

Yes, this would bother me. I wouldn’t like the secrets or the flirting with other people. If it’s out of fun (and it’s obivous) then I guess it’d be okay as long as he didn’t want to be with other people and I knew that for a fact. The secrets thing is pretty bad, you shouldn’t be keeping secrets like that from your other half. (And that’s a pretty big secret. It’s not like there is one cookie left and he didn’t tell you because he wants it later.)
So yes, it would hurt me.

Darwin's avatar

It sounds to me as if this is what he is like, and that he will never change. You need to decide if you can live with this or not, and then proceed accordingly.

Personally, I wouldn’t like it and I wouldn’t consider him a good choice for a long-term relationship, especially if I have told him that it bothers me and he has made no effort to change.

syzygy2600's avatar

He shouldn’t need to flirt with other women to get his “ego boost” if he’s really happy with you. Flirty people are more likely to cheat on their partners. I know everyone likes to say that some flirting can be just for fun and not mean anything, but when it comes down to it, who is more likely to cheat, someone whose flirtatious or someone who isn’t? I’m going to give it to the flirter every time.

Staalesen's avatar

@syzygy2600 Actually I believe people that do not flirt has the higher risk, based on all
those suppressed feelings and frustrations. :)

Jeruba's avatar

I agree with @stranger_in_a_strange_land, @Judi, and @Darwin. The essential question is this: you are involved with a man who is secretive and flirty. Can you accept that or not?

Do you believe that “when you don’t find stuff” = “when he doesn’t hide stuff”?

syzygy2600's avatar

@Staalesen I wouldn’t say you’re right about them being more likely to cheat, but I can see how for some people who suppress a lot of things how it could come out. There are also people who aren’t suppressing anything and are happy in their relationship who simply don’t feel the need or desire to be flirtatious, whether for an ego boost or any other reason.

Staalesen's avatar

And there are relationships where both sides find it OK if the other one flirts.
I guess it is more about the persons involved and the level of trust for each other than anything else.

Still, based on my observations amongst my friends, I must go with my earlier statement, but such things are very dependent on the environment you live in, and a whole lot of other social factors,

Sophief's avatar

@ubersiren We’ve been together 2 and a half years, living together for 1 and a half. I don’t know what to do for the best, I just don’t know.

@Jeruba Yes I believe that.

Judi's avatar

I look at my poor brother. He always had a natural twinkle in his eye and would occasionally give a knowing “wink” when he talked to people. His wife is SO jealous that he has changed the entire nature of who he is. If a pretty lady walks by be has to literally turn his head or risk getting chewed out by his wife. It is so sad to watch him transform into something he’s not.
That’s why I say, if you don’t like a flirt, get another boyfriend. Let the guy be who he is.

rahm_sahriv's avatar

I have to say, when his ex talks to him, do you give him hassle about it? Do you nag about it, want to know everything that was said? If so, I really can’t blame him for keeping it a secret. I wouldn’t say I had talked to my ex if I knew it was going to get me a fight, and nothing untoward had been going on. That being said, if he is hiding things because he is doing something wrong, then you would have cause to be on his case.

As for telling him you love him all of the time, maybe that is backfiring. Maybe it is too much for him. Back off a little. Not saying you don’t have to let him know how you feel, that is important, but you yourself say it is ‘all the time’.

His being hurt before isn’t your fault, but our past experiences make us who we are and hurts are going to accompany someone into their next relationship. Perhaps your insecurity with him is a product of your being hurt in a past relationship? Not saying it is, but it could be.

Love him for who he is, all that his, faults and all. Don’t try to change him, don’t think you would be happy with the results and if you were, I doubt he would be happy. No point in having a relationship where one of the parties is unhappy. That only leads to resentment.

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