Do you think it is rude for people to show up unannounced at their friends home?

Most definitely. YOU MUST CALL FIRST.

Now, as far as enforcing this with girlfriend/boyfriend, that’s a different story.

Wow… those friends are clingy. That would annoy the shit out of me.

It is very rude, and if I’m in the middle of something important, they may get ignored. After they spend enough times hanging out on my doorstep, they’ll learn to call first.

@jeffgoldblumsprivatefacilities: My thoughts exactly.

How should we handle this? D; With out being rude, I guess.

btw @Haleth, thought that was funny :P

Yes. Definitely rude and thoughtless.

But one is under no obligation to answer the doorbell. Or if caught unawares, just state you’re busy and ask them to call next time to save themselves the trip

Good manners and consideration of others is a timeless quality which never goes out of style.

How do you handle this. It’s known as assertiveness. Set boundaries and stick to them. You don’t have to be nasty but you do have to be firm.

Just because you tolerated this in the past doesn’t obligate you to continue. It’s your home. You get to decide the rules and what you are comfortable with.

It’s a new year. Time for a new way of doing things. No further explanation needed.

It’s a cardinal rule with me and my friends and family know it very well: call first and be invited or risk a near-definite no response to your knock on the door (I tend to be half naked most of the time and there is much to much paraphenalia lying about to quickly scoop up and hide). See ya…..Gary/wtf

haha…a friend of mine used to do this when he was in 8th grade and everyone makes fun of him for it now. He still does this sometimes, though; he has a habit of inviting himself over to things. He’ll call you and say “so I’ll be there at 6, see ya” without giving you a chance to protest. I don’t like it, personally. I’d prefer some notice or I’ll invite you.

Honestly, the only way I handled this was I confronted him about it. It’s the only way to go. Of course, he’s the type of person who isn’t bothered by anything. Someone added what I would consider a sexually harassing comment about him in an email that got sent to many people and he didn’t care at all. He thought it was funny and told other people about it.

i’m a big fan of the pop-in. love the pop-in.

@Glow “How should we handle this?”

You could always hire a bouncer for you front door. Works on those pesky Jehovah’s witnesses as well. ~

I split my time between my divorced parents’ houses, and if I want to visit one parent’s house on their off week, they both ask me to call ahead. I’m sure if I’m expected to give notice before visiting my own home, friends and acquaintances can do likewise. It’s rude to assume that some people can just drop everything to accommodate and entertain you.

To stop it, a simple “Sorry, now’s not a good time.” should suffice. Soon she will get the message. Answering the door in the nude or in pyjamas after lunchtime ought to have a similar effect. Maybe introduce them to some other people they can talk to. Then close the blinds and pretend to be out.

You can politely say that you are busy, that maybe you can hang out some other time and if they don’t want this to happen again to please call and talk to you first (don’t show up if the call is not answered).
I don’t have a problem with friends doing this, I think it would bug me to have to entertain when I haven’t planned on, or even want to. But when my family shows up at my house – with no invite or a heads up, I don’t mind – I guess because I know I don’t have to entertain them, I can just sit around and keep working on whatever project I have at the moment and I know they won’t think I’m being rude.

It is totally rude. they must call before coming.if a person is doing some personal things or if he is already disturbed then it isn’t good to bother them.

A couple of people I’m okay with, otherwise phone first.

wow you guys are rude. If someone pops by and you’re busy, why not just say so? Or that you’re not in the mood to talk or whatever? It’s awfully passsive-agresssive to not answer the door. Sure advance notice is good but sometimess you just drop by cause you’re in the area or some other reason.

I really like a call before stopping by. These days I may not be dressed before mid day. :)

@Buttonstc – Good response :)

@jeffgoldblumsprivatefacilities – I like to call that bouncer a pitbull! Well… in my case it’s a schnauzer….and he barks like a wuss! The witnesses never bother me since they are kind, but MAN, once they start talkin’ they never stop **cries* *

As for those who mentioned family, for me, and the person who this is about, it is NEVER an issue! Family is always welcome… so long as they don’t come to complain…

Oh, also, one of the excuses they tend to give for showing up unannounced is that the phone is never picked up. They claim that if they didn’t show up at all, they would lose contact forever. Mostly, it is just about getting some alone time and not having to deal with people and all. So they probably figure that since they usually see nothing going on they can just show up. I just want to figure out a way of letting people know with out making them feel hurt, because I know what it is like to be lonely and bored and needing a friend to be there to just hang out. It is not easy to be there for them when you have your life too.. and it is more than just one person. 5+ people at different occasions each. It gets old fast!

@hug_of_war – totally understandable. For the person I am speaking for, Saying no is very hard to do because of the person is always sad and disappointed. I personally still find it rude, but I also understand it from their point of view.

I feel it is going to be hard to let people know how it is with out hurting their feelings even slightly :/

I hate when people do that! My fiance’s father had a really bad habit of doing this to us. He’d randomly stop by our place with no notice at all. And if the door is unlocked he’ll walk right in after a half-assed knock. One time my fiancé and I were in the bedroom fooling around and his father decided to stop by and let himself in. Very awkward! We made sure to lock the doors everytime after that!

If you don’t call then I might just not answer. If you do call I just might not answer then either. If I want to visit with friends I usually like to do it outside of the house.

Its not rude, you all are on crack. What happened to the community or the village? Maybe they don’t have a cell phone or a pager, or a land line? or they thought that food for their kids was more important then the Verizon bill, however, they still had something important to say to you and the only thing they could spend money on that facilitated communication was gasoline seeing as how that is what they need to spend money on in order to get to work and make money to feed their kids? I show up all over the place and I have a cell phone and A land line. What ever dudes, get over it, your way to 21 century; do you need to get permission from your government before traveling? maybe these people need to take a car ride and not care about the results, and that ride happens to be to your house because they just had their wife leave them? or maybe its because they live in my state, Oregon, where it is illegal to talk on the phone and text while driving? and knowing that these people can’t afford a blue tooth wireless head set because they have 5 kids and its the holidays? is it okay then?

To me, the very definition of a friend is someone who can come to your house any time, and help themselves to your refrigerator without asking. The other people in your life that need to call first are merely acquaintenances. In this day of every stranger on the computer calling each other “friend” is way out of hand.

Wow so many against it should I add my 2 cents?

I see myself as spontaneous & really don’t mind the unannounced, if I could remember the last time it happened although what @Glow discribed does sound a bit clingy & I could see that getting old.

I’m usually not busy as of lately & most recently & wouldn’t mind a surprise from a friend….. Wait let me clarify, wouldn’t mind from a male friend. No, I don’t have a girlfriend, but I do know a few that wouldn’t be to happy if they knew I said that, ;P otherwise, females would be welcome so long as I consider them a friend, haha.

Absolutely, when people do that to use when don’t even answer the door.

Not sure I’m a great one for answering this. I’ve never had particularly close friends. I would find it incredibly rude.

It CAN be rude, but for some folks it’s the “done thing”
I personally hate it when friends or family arrive unannounced. I have a CCTV camera on my front door and if I dont like the look of you I wont answer the door. lol
Sounds like @Glow ‘s friends are desperate for attention, bored, and see you as soft touch…......... best to knock it on the head if you can.

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. If it is rude, thoughtless or something else depends on the person these “friends” are dropping in on. I know people who love it when people drop by and wonder hard if no one drops by. They seem always prepared, snacks, coffee etc. They seem to love hosting guest. I also know people who can’t stand it (like the OP). Having people pop in right when your favorite show is on, or you were planning to catch a nap is annoying (especially if it were not important). I guess the bottom line comes down to the understanding between the dropper-by and the droppy. If they have that understanding that so and so can drop by at any reasonable hour (I have friends that tell me that all the time) then it is OK. If you are told to call (and you have to make that very clear) then they would be out of pocket to drop by with out a call, invite or getting the go ahead to do so.

@whatthefluther EXACTLY!

I actually do, so much to the point that my own boyfriend knows I’m coming before I go over there. There’s just something about “inviting myself over” when I don’t make it known that I’m coming that doesn’t sit well with me. If a friend is visiting from out of town, though, or a mall in the area, that’s totally different. He or she can drop by, especially if I haven’t seen him or her in a long time. If a guest has been told that he or she is always welcome, he or she is always welcome. If he or she starts abusing the privilege, that’s a different story. Hopefully that’s understood, though.

Popping in unannounced when you have a purpose—delivering a present, returning something your borrowed, etc. is one thing. So are people who live out-of-town and stop by to say hi. Showing up because you’re bored and expecting to stay is something else; it’s extremely disrespectful of other people’s time. When people show up unannounced and expect for you entertain them, you have several options, the first of which is to not let them in the door. Tell them that it’s an inconvenient time, you’re getting ready to go out, studying, etc. whatever, and ask them to call before they come over because you’re busy, and would like to be able to spend time with them when you can arrange your schedule for it. If they get past you, don’t sit down with them, keep standing. People tend to not stay very long when their host doesn’t get comfortable.

This works at work, too. When people show up unannounced in your office or cube, stand up. They will almost always cut to the chase and leave. Meetings also tend to be very short if there are no chairs.

It’s really bad when people who have a key to your house, like parents or in-laws, and use it to let themselves in whenever they feel like it. That’s disrespectful of you as an adult.

Some part of the country, “back door visiting” is more common, but that assumes that everyone has the same amount of free or leisure time, and welcomes visits.

Depends on the friend. Have one friend can show up anytime he pleases! Others, please call!

@PandoraBoxx That’s a good point about returning borrowed things and delivering presents. I forgot about that.

In ‘50s sitcoms like “Ozzie and Harriet,” friends and neighbors popped in all the time. But then, on TV, nobody had sex, got sick, felt depressed and wanted to be alone, or took a dump.In real life, popping in unannounced (even to drop off a gift) is a bad breach in etiquette. Calling ahead is always wise.

If someone shows up at my door, I am always gracious, but it does annoy me.
I always call first, and I expect the same courtesy.

We had friends who did this to us. One time I was not feeling well. They did not speak with us for Years. I was sick in bed and they came over. They showed up one Saturday morning . I told my Husband to go out with them he did not want to.
It is rude. When you must work all week despite that you are sick. People should comprehend that you need to rest on the weekend. They should understand that every one needs space. They should have called first.
Years later they invited us to a party. We went. They admitted they were wrong.
I have another old college friend that does the same thing. I told him. Never do it to me.
People think letting them pop over anytime is proof of real friendship. I do not think that is true.
I have many responsibilities I must set priorities . True friends must respect each other. They should understand each others needs. They should not test each other in Childish ways.
The saddest thing of all is time lost over silliness. My Husband and I must take care of our Autistic Son. We don’t have much free time anymore. I miss these old friends. I can not be friends with people that do not understand how difficult my life is. I realize people do not understand . I can not spend my life explaining.

Actually I’d kinda love it – any of my friends can come over any time – they know the rules anyway ‘if you’re coming over, you will be asked to participate in watching the kids, helping around to make food, etc.’

@Simone_De_Beauvoir really like that answer !

@Cotton101 heh, that’s why no one every comes over unannounced – they’re not ready for the crazies..that’s what I call the babies

Is you friend complaining about this constant visitor? It almost sounds as if you might be a bit jealous! Your friend should be mature enough to handle their own affairs and visitor protocols.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Loll…

I don’t mind them coming by if they are bored but they are in my house, my four cats will entertain them. If I need to discuss an idea of mine about homework, I’ll bounce it off them, if my house is messy, too bad for them, I’d probably ask them to help me clean it.

I won’t hesitate to get them to help out in the house. All my friends know I have four cats and one of them is extra extra friendly… hint hint…

Well yes it is rude…they should call first and find out if you can facilitate company. I also suppose this friend of yours show up at uncomfortable hours at times…I mean what if you and your loved one wants to have some alone time together, or what if you are handling a very important but personal problem or sometimes youre just not in the mood to “lime”. Then again maybe that person is experiencing problems of their own and need a friend more than ever…. you should ponder this…..

I don’t like it. I have a friend that used to do this- she also will make plans then not show up- I finally said, ‘look you need to call first’- she got it

Depends on the friend. Personally I don’t mind it if a friend does the pop in, stop by. That’s with close friends only… with more informal acquaintances or short time friendships.. there better be a call.

We have one friend who actually opens the door and walks in. He is a younger clone of “Rodney Dangerfield” though, so he gets a pass. There is just no changing him.
Most of the time I like it when people just pop by, but it doesn’t happen very often. I guess it really depends on the nature of the relationship. I wouldn’t want my Mother in law to just stop by, but when my friends do it’s a welcome treat.
After my kids moved out they would come home and just walk in the house. My husband had to pull them aside and say, “Now that you don’t live here, you can’t just walk in. You never know what your mother and I might be doing.” He got a lot of ,“ewww, sick,....TMI,” but now they will usually call first.

did anyone actually understand that seinfeld reference i made above?

I don’t know if I think it is rude….but I think it is inconsiderate.

I work at home so people assume that if I am home…then I am “free to chat”. No.

I finally had to put a sign on my door that said, “Please do not disturb. I am busy working. Please only knock if you have a package that needs a signature. Thank you.”

Well, that worked…except for one friend. She thought that it somehow did not mean “her”....it meant her most of all….because she would stay a very, very long time. So, I finally just drew the curtains and ignored her knocking.

“Oh, I came over and knocked….but you didn’t answer, ” she would say.
“I was busy working”, I would answer.

Eventually, she got the picture. But, just draw the curtains and ignore the door. That may appear rude, but honestly, some people don’t respect boundaries.

I even ask when I call people….“Hi, Amandine, is this a good time for you to chat? Or are you busy? If you are, I can call another time.”

I suppose this is because my own boundaries have been trounced for most of my life….I don’t want to do the same to others.

@deni Yes. XD

I would not use the word rude, but I do prefer if someone calls first.

I see nothing wrong with telling someone you are unable to talk at the moment if they do come by unannounced.

It seems each household and each community is different. When I was young friends stopped by all of the time, I would guess that is fairly common when there are children in your house? I mean your own kids are running in and out, everyone is probably up and around. But, people knew better not to stop by at dinner time or early on a weekend. Different if you are working from home as @DarlingRhadamanthus mentions. Friends should be aware of your circumstance I would think?

Let them know you have a busy schedule and to please call before coming over. You should let them know and set some boundries.

I agree with @JessicaisinLove people don’t know what you desire unless you tell them, people cannot read minds. Waiting around for people to piss you off makes no sense. I have a relative who does this, its like she WANTS to complain about other people, she would rather let them screw up so she can talk about how rude or uncouth they are. It drives me crazy. I am married to a man from a different country and culture, when I ask a question about what they prefer they say, “oh, there are no rules.” But they have rules, MANY rules in their heads that I am not privy to, but seem to trip on them. If they let me know what they prefer or expect I would be happy to oblige. My perception is they suck at communication and feel better about themselves putting others down.

Yes it is defently rude. I hate it when my friends do that, Most know better :)

Especially when they come in and take your food out of the fridge without even asking
That fucking Kramer!

@NaturalMineralWater thank god for you!

My friends are always welcome here. This is their home too. Acquaintances need to make a call before they show up.

it doesn’t bother me at all. I guess if it is bothering the people it is happening to they should explain that to the person who pops in. I personally like it when my friends show up unannounced, it is a cool surprise for me. I don’t care what we are doing, we don’t do anything that we wouldn’t want our closest friends to “catch” us doing or anything.

@deni Well I heard shades of George Costanza there but it could have been Seinfeld. B-)

@NaturalMineralWater “with more informal acquaintances or short time friendships.. there better be a call.”

ohhhh, good call. This would be an instance where I wouldn’t like it. Completely agree.

If they bring food, I am all for it.

Unless the visit was planned at least an hour ahead of time and was discussed with you first, then yes it is extremely rude. Unless it were a dire emergency there’s no reason to call five times in a row, and then just show up. If they are bored tell them to get a bf/gf, read, surf the internet anything but barging in on you and interupting your life out of boredom. Personally I wouldn’t really care if they just came in as long as I had some warning and I wasn’t doing anything important. But if it became repetitive then yeah I’d have a huge problem with it.

In the days before cell phones it happen all the time BUT now that we have Cell Phones you Always Call before showing up at someones house, if the don’t answer then you WAIT and call again Until they answer the phone!

they could be busy having Sex with there partner!

Yes, so then you don’t answer the door.

Their problem, not yours. :-)

If they are at the door they should hear the Grunts and Screams of Pleasure unless they are Talking on the phone!

YES. And I’m glad I saw this question, because otherwise I would feel like a complete dick.

There was this girl in middle school who was my best friend, but when we went to different high schools I kind of grew apart from her and made new friends, while she remained very clingy. I know that makes me sound like an asshole, but it was more complicated than that – I kept talking to her and was never mean to her, but as we grew up we turned into two completely different people with completely different views on life and it just wasn’t enjoyable to hang out with her anymore. It got to the point where I’d be hanging out with a friend and she’d call, and I’d ignore it because we were watching a movie or about to go somewhere, and even though I hadn’t answered the first time she would call three more times.

I remember one occasion where I was hanging out with a friend of mine and she called. I didn’t answer because frankly I was smoking pot and knew she would blow my high. She only called once, but ten minutes later when me and my friend went outside to get in his car, she was parked in the street in front of my house. I completely ignored her and we left. It was psycho shit.

Once I was actually having sex and ignored her phone call, and she actually came over and came into my house without knocking or anything, and came down the hallway to knock on my door. Seriously?

Some of my friends still come over unannounced, but it’s usually when they’re drunk or high, and they apologize about it once they get sober.

If one of our GF’s walked in the house while the Wife and I were at it i would look at her and ask her to strip because she walked in on something. as for the drunk friends @stemnyjones I guess they wanted a place and a friend to feel safe until they landed in soberland.

@phil196662 If that were the case I would be happy to let them in and let them read out of my NA book :) ... there’s one friend in particular who usually does it, and he drives all the way to my house from the next city just to tell me something stupid he did, or drop by on his way to somewhere else that is completely out of the way from my house.

Gues he doesn’t know how to “text” @stemnyjones

I had neighbors like that. But I would take care of it by not answering the door. I’ve also have made a point to friends and relatives not to come over unannounced. I’ve told them if I’m napping or showering or cleaning or just plain fooling around I will not open my door unless I’m in the mood to recieve guest. Some days I just like to be left alone or I have so many things to do and I don’t want to be distracted. So not to take it personal because the rules apply to all who know me. Except my kids, my mom (who would never show up unannounced) and of course my husband who lives with me.

All RIGHT! I get it!
I’ll start using the fucking phone! Christ!

you’ve all changed man. it’s that chick/dude you’ve been seein’.

(I know this is long, feel free to skim, read select parts or run away in terror!)

@scrumpulate – Hey, don’t be telling everyone they are on crack. Your response didn’t even make sense, I don’t know if it even relates to the question! o_o

But to those who say “hey, it is not rude! We should welcome all friends with open arms!” Yes, of course. We should welcome our friends and enjoy their company, because after all, some people don’t even have friends. But like what one person said, some people tend to abuse the privilege.

The person I speak for is my boyfriend, and the people I speak for are our friends, mostly his though. They each fight for his attention separately, but it is getting to the point where they come over if he doesn’t pick up… that sounds clingy, indeed! I did that about twice to my boyfriend early in our relationship, and when I saw he was obviously upset, I never did it again. I call first! And yes, they have at VERY inconvenient times.

It is wrong of him not to pick to avoid telling them that he does not want to hang out, yes, but that does NOT give some one right to come over with no good reason at all. They come over only if they need his company in something, and one time, some one came over unannounced JUST for HW help! They stayed 4 hours. They did not ask, they just said “hey I need help with this”. My bf then lost HIS 4 hours of HW time. Why couldn’t they ask and set time up for it? They used him and I resent them for that >:|

@Cruiser – Yes, my bf is annoyed by this, and he has before turned people down, but he finds it hard doing it time and time again. He does not like to have to explain to them why he can’t hang out or they can’t come over because then their voice becomes saddened and he is guilt tripped. He figures that if he doesn’t pick up, they should understand, he is busy. If he wants, he will call back. If they think he is not being a real friend, why fight for his friendship so hard anyway?

“Eventually, she got the picture. But, just draw the curtains and ignore the door. That may appear rude, but honestly, some people don’t respect boundaries” @DarlingRhadamanthus . Exactly! Some people may complain about US being rude, but why can they not respect our private lives? Have they none of their own?

@deni – Oh NOW I get it! Haha, Seinfeld is a good show, but it does little to portray reality in a real way :P

@Pandora – Great way to sum it up. Now if only I knew how to sum things up like that!

Like I said before, I’m beginning to think there is no easy way to tell some one “please don’t come over with out calling first”/“no, I don’t want to hang out” over and over with out them feeling offended, even the slightest bit. But our life beckons, and some people need to learn how to pay more attention to their OWN lives.

Glow everyone has to learn how to say NO; because the alternative is you will be taken advantage of. It really is that simple. Even if he has to stand in front the mirror and practice.

I agree, I think it is very rude.

Yes. Me and my so called ‘best friend’ are in that type of situation all the time. She doesn’t understand what ‘no’ means. It drives me insane because she NEVER listens when I tell her to leave, and comes over even when I tell her I’m busy. My younger sister is only a year younger than us, so we’re all friends, so if I say no, my friend immediately goes to my sister because she gives in easily. My sister has told me how my friend is intimidating and scares her, and it pisses me off how she takes advantage of her. My friend calls CONSTANTLY until I pick up, or turn off my phone. Then she goes to the house phone until my mom tells her to stop calling. So yes, I understand completely.

Hi Julies:
Read what I told glow until I learned to say NO. I had the same problem. No one dare try anymore. They can ask but NO is NO. My Sister In Law tries all the time. She manipulates everyone but me. I tell my Husband just say NO. She constantly ask him why I am so angry with her.
She is a self absorbed bitch. If we call her and she is busy she says,” I have go buy ”. I keep telling my Husband to treat her exactly the same way.
One Thanks Giving she asked my Husband to come over and fix her Computer . I was cooking. She was eating out.
Each time I put her in her selfish place she gets the message a little better. She calls herself the Queen of mean. All her friends follow her every word.
I follow no one and ask no one to follow me.

See, the thing is, I do say no. She just doesn’t listen. I am pretty much the only one at all who stands up to her. Her and your Sister In Law sound a lot alike actually. I’ve known her for 9 years, and she says she has to be my best friend because I’ve known her so long. Really? If she’s really a good friend she should just be happy we’re friends at all.
Everyone thinks she’s stuck up, and I keep telling myself they just don’t know her, but I’m starting to believe it a little bit myself.

I am glad that i am not the only one that thinks this is bad behavior, i finally said something to my wife’s sister about not giving us enough notice and just showing up unannounced. I said it as nice and calm as possible. She got up and left with her family. She called me rude and i fired back. This woman is so conceited, inconsiderate and thoughtless towards me and her sisters and she is calling me rude?! She has no sense of family and feels everyone should think and live their lives like her. It felt good to get that off my chest but my wife didn’t feel i should have said anything to her, i told her she had it coming, people are different and i don’t like unannounced or short notice visits.

@Kent1974
Your right never allow people to take advantage of you.
My sister in law never stops trying. She is cautious with me because she knows I can be blunt. I am usually tactful and polite.
I observe and plan. I treat people as they treat us.
LOL