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Haroot's avatar

I found out my ex-girlfriend has cancer. Your thoughts?

Asked by Haroot (2118points) January 8th, 2010

So…my ex broke up with me in late August. Ended on a bad foot too. We went our separate ways, no idea what she’s been up to, I met someone new, and life goes on.

Today, a mutual friend of ours informed me that she apparently had to go in for surgery yesterday because she had cancer. I took a look at her facebook (Tad stalkerish but whatever…) and she has a rather large scar across her throat now.

I really don’t know how I feel about this. I’m sort of a walking contradiction. I’m apathetic to her illness (Although I wish I was wasn’t,) but at the same time obsessing over it for no reason (Again, wish I wasn’t.) It intrigues me and I don’t know why.

I don’t seem to feel any sorrow or joy out of it. I feel…a little guilty maybe. I know my id went crazy over the months with fantasies of her dying (I’m just demented like that.) Sort of a “careful what you wish for” scenario. At the same time, as bad as it makes me look, I feel a small sliver of satisfaction out of it. Karma for her breaking my heart.

Regardless of my feelings, I want to send a little “get well” note. Not sure if it’s the greatest idea since she simply ignored my, “Merry Christmas, hope things are going well for you.” e-mail. If I do send it, I really don’t know what to say besides the obvious. There’s still all this tension and hate there.

Another concern is again the obsession over this. I don’t feel very comfortable being obsessed with her in any way, shape or form. I’m kinda worried if I do it will resurface my feeling for her which A) I took a while to get rid of and B) I don’t want back since I’m with someone else.

A very interesting start to the year. Your thoughts?

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18 Answers

frdelrosario's avatar

Do walking contradictions have a set of balls or no?

Get over it, man.

Morgan1's avatar

A long time ago (years) I stopped second-guessing my first thoughts/feelings. I’ve found them to be from the heart and genuine, regardless of how I might feel later. I don’t know anything about you so take this for whatever it’s worth…You loved her once, what could it hurt to let her know she is in your thoughts during what must be a difficult time in her life?

marinelife's avatar

With your feelings so conflicted, i would not send her a Get Well card. She does not need your kind of support.

Haroot's avatar

@Morgan1 I see where your coming from but I don’t think she’s in my thoughts in the proper way, if that makes sense.

@Marina Well put. This is what I was leaning at. I know I seem like an ass regarding it, but sadly it’s just how I feel. I’d probably do more harm then good sending an empty “Get Well Soon” card. Maybe later as I sink it in more. I really do want to feel bad, I just don’t. Hopefully that will change.

janbb's avatar

Your feelings are what they are. I would acknowledge them as the conflicting feelings that they are, let them float through your mind and try not to over-analyze or obsess about them. It seems to me that sending a card would be hypocritical at best since you don’t know your motivation for so doing and possibly destructive to youself at worst. What would you be looking to accomplish? Why do it?

john65pennington's avatar

I would drop whatever happened in the past between you two. that situation takes a second seat to her now having cancer. she may have dumped you and for good reason, i do not know. the point now is this: destiny has a strange way controlling peoples lives. this disease may have occured to her for a reason… get you two back together. i know you still have feelings for her, its obvious in your words. now that the cancer is present, she may have an entirely different outlook on you and her together. bottomline is that you will never know, if you do not send a text message, expressing your concern over her. if she replies to you, take her return message and decided what direction you need to go next. good luck to both of you. john

filmfann's avatar

When you say your relationship ended badly, do you mean stomping out, slamming the door badly, or throwing uranium in her coffee badly?

Haroot's avatar

@filmfann That last one would be quiet interesting. But in my case, badly enough to the point that she ended up trying to demerit my name across our university and “sicked” a few of her male friends at me.

It started mutual with us wanting to be friends. That sort of imploded. Sort of.

wonderingwhy's avatar

I’ve always found it best to go with honesty; if you honestly don’t care in the slightest (and it seems like that’s not quite the case), don’t do anything. On the other hand if you find you are genuinely concerned a simple card saying as much will likely do no harm, even if it hasn’t lessened the the bad feelings between you. Cancer (and life threatening experiences in general) has a way of putting things in perspective and feeling that someone who you’ve fallen out with is willing to put that aside to “lend a hand in a time of need” (as it were) can really be a positive force. But do not simply acknowledge her to assuage your own guilt, it will do her no good and likely make you feel worse for it.

Sophief's avatar

This may sound heartless and mean, but I wouldn’t do anything. You have a girlfriend. She should be your priorty. Don’t hurt your girlfriend.

Siren's avatar

I wouldn’t do anything either. You’re not her boyfriend anymore. You’re not even her friend, since she didn’t email you back since your last email greeting to her. She broke your heart, not the other way around, and you’re even describing your hurt flippantly as “stalkerish” but maybe it’s just your brain’s attempt at trying to still find closure. I suggest staying off Facebook to avoid seeing what she’s up to (without Facebook, you wouldn’t be tempted) and realize that she doesn’t need your help or support. If you offer it and she rejects it you will feel bad all over again. Move on dude.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Look, I don’t want to make assumptions as I don’t know you, but just reading your details, you sound maniacal to me and not at all like I’d feel, for example, in your shoes. The things you’re conflicted about are a bit psycho, you know? Like instead of wondering about all of these things, maybe you should offer her support (get well card or not, girlfriend or not, all bets are off when it’s life or death) and please tell her to call the American Cancer Society at 1800 227 2345.

loiyujhdduehf's avatar

i feel bad. ): even if she’s your ex give her some roses and chocolates

janbb's avatar

I really disagree with the people who say you should do something about it since from you responses you are still upset with her and ambivalent about her illness. It sounds like you are much more involved with what you are feeling, which is o.k., and also that she doesn’t care much for you since she didn’t respond to your Christmas card. What would sending her something now do? Maybe if the feelings you (and apparently she) had were not still so raw and more time had passed, it would be good to send a card. But hey, I’m just a bookreading penguin, what do I know?

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@janbb I don’t know, maybe you’re right – it just seems to me (and imo only) that a diagnosis of cancer should transcend relationship issues/emotions – we have only one life to live and should seize certain moments before people are gone.

janbb's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I’m just going by the details that he gave and I think an insincere or dishonest gesture is worse than no gesture at all. It could even upset her or sap her energy if she is still very raw.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@janbb very true – I just don’t get why anyone wouldn’t be sincere when showing concern – I think I’m just transferring but if an ex of mine (no matter how much I hated them or felt ambivalently about htem) found out they had cancer, I’d be there for them.

Haroot's avatar

The conflicting answers here are very interesting…

My tendency to want to be a decent human being want to do something, but At the same time I just want to move on.

To clear something up, I’m not distressed by this scenerio, I just find it rather interesting and a tad ironic. It really weird having no feeling at all towards it when I know I’d be freaking out about this a year ago.

But I appreciate all your answers. Both sides have merit to them.

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