General Question

smile1's avatar

Does this paragraph work? Or make sense?

Asked by smile1 (493points) January 18th, 2010

I have to write a paragraph with the vocabulary words:
heresy, impervious, incongruous, ingenious, irrevocable, lucrative, paradox, platitude.

This is what I came up with:
Once, there was a middle aged man who worked in an office for ten hours a day, going to meetings everyday. Scott would listen to his colleague’s speeches, full of meaningless platitudes that would never help the company for hours on end. Though these meetings gave him a lucrative job, allowing him to retire comfortably in very few years, Scott wanted to leave the company. His incentive of becoming a hermit was so strong, that his idea became impervious to the pleadings of his friends. Finally, Scott got fed up with the ways of civilization, and thought of an ingenious plan to have a reason to escape. He decided to wear shabby clothes to his company just to look incongruous to his fellow colleagues dressed in black suits. To add to that heinous crime, Scott committed the heresy of playing “Party in the USA” by Miley Cyrus in the office. His acquaintances thought him to be quite a paradox, as merely a few years ago he had spoken of the necessity to live in a civilized environment. Scotts actions in the office were irrevocable, and nothing could be done to change what had happened.

Does it make sense?

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15 Answers

Vunessuh's avatar

I see gailcalled is already on this one. I’ll leave it to the expert.

gailcalled's avatar

Not bad. Move the phrase “for hours on end” to just after “speeches.” And in last sentence, put an apostrophe after Scott…ie; Scott’s actions.

I give you an A for fustian, pretentious and bombastic prose.

smile1's avatar

Scott would listen to his colleague’s speeches for hours on end, which were always full of meaningless platitudes that never helped the company.

Trillian's avatar

Do you want an actual proof/edit? Because I see several editing, grammatical and syntax errors.

smile1's avatar

@Trillian yes please!! :) actual proof/edit would be great!

trailsillustrated's avatar

except for what @trillian is fixing, it’s pretty good. funny

gailcalled's avatar

@Trillian: Best, don’t you think, to let it be @smile1‘s work? There are some awkward sentences, but on the whole, it’s OK. The line about Miley
Cyrus made me smile.

faye's avatar

“idea became impervious’ sounds awkward to me, -his mind became impervious?

absalom's avatar

I like your idea of heresy.

Ten hours a day / everyday is redundant, kind of. Maybe just me.
I don’t know why Scott is full of meaningless platitudes.
See @gail’s suggestions anyway. But make sure you clarify what is/are full of meaningless platitudes.
Idea was impervious is probably better than became impervious, even with the passive voice. Resolve was impervious is even better (ideas aren’t really impervious).
Incongruous is used awkwardly. You don’t really need the to his fellow colleagues (neither do you need the fellow before colleagues). “He looked incongruous.” That’s sufficient.
Saying something is irrevocable and then saying that nothing can be done to change it is also redundant.

It’s hard to proof others’ prose; I’m bad at it. Jeruba will do better/is more experienced with that stuff. These are just things I noticed.

I wouldn’t worry much about some of the redundancies though. I know you’re supposed to exhibit your understanding of the words, and sometimes you can only do that by slipping in what are basically their definitions.

Edit: Unless Jeruba writes his/her own.

Jeruba's avatar

Look out, some film producer is apt to make you a lucrative offer for this ingenious screenplay idea about a character’s incongruous behavior. Make sure you demand an irrevocable contract and remain impervious to any accusations of heresy. You can afford to ignore those who utter platitudes. The paradox is that your character’s flight from convention could bring you commercial success.

I know exactly how Scott felt and think his solution was inspired. It sounds just like the workplace I abandoned in September.

smile1's avatar

@absalom thanks so much!! :)) entirely cleared up my paragraph!

@Jeruba HAHAAHAHHA!! thats amazing! beautiful. :)

dpworkin's avatar

…and yet… Jeruba has never written a movie…

Jeruba's avatar

You know this, @pdworkin?

dpworkin's avatar

I thought you said that yesterday. Mayhap I misunderstood something you said. It was in the editing thread

Jeruba's avatar

I don’t remember. It’s true. Just checking on you, though. Have to keep an eye on you.

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