What do you think of these lyrics/poem I wrote?

Why would you say that about yourself. I am pretty sure that you are none of those things.Dont be letting yourself down by saying bad stuff about yourself, because on the inside, you are a marvelous wonderful person

its kinda cool.
just makes me feel bad for the author..

@madmax303 It is a way of cleansing or therapy for me, I enjoy music,arts and just expressing oneself how ever it may be.

I was hoping for people to contribute or ideals more than anything.

It’s alright but to be honest – to paraphrase what you said – it reads like the angst-ridden rambling of a teen-aged boy consumed by his perceived inadequacies.

Give your ideas more room to breath, or rather, you should try to elaborate and more completely describe your feelings and ideas. This sort of thing has been done, and continues to be done. Whether or not it’s worth showing to an audience—I imagine it probably shouldn’t be unless the authour truly feels what’s presented is worthy of criticism; or perhaps, if it’s to be used as a segue into something more fully realised.

Really, it’s alright, and I would say keep writing. I try to write everyday and more often than not what gets put down on paper tends to lean towards nonsense or the disorganized, lacking in form stream-of-consciousness sort of stuff, until I either start into something worthwhile or I put down my pen for a time.

All the writing you do is valuable – to a point. If all you wind up writing is disconnected, incomplete ideas then maybe you should reconsider what direction your writing is heading in; on the other hand, a pure feeling never hurt every once in a while.

You shouldn’t mistake this as me saying that one should conform to standard literary structure and poetic forms but it helps a lot to first understand the rules before you try breaking them.

I’ve become disillusioned to the point where these kinds of lyrics are no longer shocking, just boring and trite. Typical self-deprecating emo lyrics that bands of today come up with to be “hard”. But let’s face it, it’ll probably be a hit.

Also, I’ve never been a big fan of incoherent writing. I mean, I know that’s the style, but to me it reads off more as a cut and paste poem. I like some of the metaphors, though. And the word choice isn’t bad. But the content itself is just so…ugh…

I suppose it’s not bad for what it is, though.

I think it is sad stuff but very well written. If you were around when I was young you would be reading your poetry in smoky rooms and all the beat niks would be applauding (snapping their fingers).

I don’t know what or where the market is for such writings today but I think you have talent and a definite style and way with words. For me personally I would prefer a lighter content, but keep writing anyway you want, I think you are good and if you stay with it, will keep getting better and your market will appear.

Optimistic and funny.

@DominicX I guess it’s the “style” but I do not listen to emo music very much, the bands I listen to the most are like old metal/rock from the 90’s Stone temple pilots,Metallica, Pantera,Slayer bands of that sort.

I listen to blues,classical(mostly beethoven), and few other styles and some older rap.

I don’t plan to put these in a song, just things I jot down and write. I am far from a writer, poet or anything.

But because you feel this is “emo” I think is a bit unfair as I believe you probably assume I have a “emo” hair flip, wear tight pants and cut my self.

Far from it brother far from it. but I am 19 so maybe I am just a little emo kid rofl :D

@rooeytoo Not really looking for market, just was hoping for more ideals,words, or the such. what would you add to it?

I have only done 2 of what are called poetry jams or open mics,(once my senior year) and then I went a little club/bar but the two I spoke out were not self-hating like this. So just so you know I do not sit around all day hating myself lol.

again its something I wrote in a moment kind of deal….its jsut for fun for me and like a sound good way to get it out.

Not to mention conquer some fears the first time was horrible I had the paper trying to express the emotions of words into the mic and shaking like a leaf, second time was a bit better. lmao oh man…

Really what I would like is for someone to add more lines to it, or give me some new words.

My vocabulary is not a good nor do I have amazing or proper English. So if you have some interesting words that would describe this self-loathing if you will, please give me some.

I could look them up thesaurus , but I enjoy hearing people’s own personal ones they have, because I think it tells you something about them ;) Yeah I am little weird lol

@Zen_Again Hehehe ;)

@Jamspoon You have a good point.

I usaully try to focus on a ideal or topic then from there like a old giant oak tree it has mant roots that spread out yet can be traced to the same place.

I would say main things I write about or jot down would be politics,news,lust,love,war,inner-strength,self-reflection,money,evil vs good.

Put cliche shit ya know. I can not reinvent the wheel or do anything new, its all been done before and far better than I can ever imagine.

So I will just keep enjoying myself with writing what cames to mind.

PS, how do you approach writing/poetry? For me I think of something that little lines or words come in and just work from there like legos or a house being built.

Hi Steve!

I disagree with @Jamspoon, saying it reads like the angst-ridden rambling of a teen-aged boy consumed by his perceived inadequacies suggests that this is a bad thing??? wtf? I think the fact that Steve is directed his angst onto the page and nowhere else is the sign of dedicated artist and intelligent chap.

Writing for me personally is cathartic and is freedom of self-expression. Someone quite hideous told me once that writing should never be self-indulgent and I sucked that up for a long time and it shut me up. That is the motive of those kinds of people. For you not to express yourself. I think sometimes what people read makes them feel uncomfortable because they just don’t want to know.

Fwiw, I think your writing is very elegant and once one gets into the rhythm, the words flow beautifully. I connect with your story and feel the emotions. I like it! and I agree with @rooeytoo keep going!!

now…I must go and listen to that song you sent me a while ago… sorry Steve…I got distracted and you’ve just mindjolted me!!

First of all, GET PROFESSIONAL HELP! Seriously, I know from experience that things can seem so realistically bad sometimes, but you just have to trust that your feelings are lying to you right now. Please don’t even consider hurting yourself.

That said, I like your poetry for the most part. It’s true that from great pain comes great songs/literature. There are a few tired cliches in there though, and if you cut those out and retain the substance of what you’re trying to say, you may get someone to publish or write a melody to go with it.

Revisit the piece later on and you may find you have some hope to offer at the end of the piece. That way if it gets published, what started as a real sad episode for you could really help someone who’s going through the same thing!

Well don’t call it ‘me myself and I’ – that’s one
Secondly, some of the parts are good but mostly it needs work.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Why not call it that and what do you suggest?

what parts need work, in what way would say they do?

@stratman37 So you are saying refine and strip it down better? A bit more direct?

@Steve_A well for one thing it’s a cliche sounding title – I’d rather you leave it untitled…the part I like is here
“I reach a wall where I must fly
but the wings are clipped, self use, self abuse
I die
where I lie
when tried to fly

and the angels cry

not for failure , or lack of divine.

rather for shame
That I even carry a name

With a whisper
from demons in my head
mist forms of mirror-mister
days I loved and dread

resurfacing old lies
where destruction thrives

thoughts distort
forced resort

introvert
never convert

destroyed life
dead god’s wife
”

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Yes I agree, I thought the same too but nothing came to mind so I went with that. Or maybe the title could be untitled in a way that would make sense yea?

@Steve_A yeah.

Just to add, I am perfectly ok , and I wrote parts and bits of this over a month or so and then piece them together. I do this a fair share with all things I write.

I don’t do drugs,drink,or hurt/cut my self in any shapre way or form.

This is exactly why I write,noodle, play music and keep my self entertained like I said it’s my therapy.

@Steve_A you shouldn’t just put pieces together – rather develop each piece.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Hm but how do I go about doing that?

The angel/demon part is trying to in a way to say you can not blame religion for everything, but rather see yourself for what you are.These demons and devils for me are not in a book or fake, but whats in me. A purging maybe via writing(for me) to each there own how to deal with it. The angels cry because I have the choice to be different , to change. But yet I do not.

I am just not good at putting it like that….

and when it gets to the thoughts distort part till the end is when I wrote that on another day so maybe I need a transition or something?

@Steve_A the only concept I like out of all of those is one of the angel tears, crying because you haven’t taken the step to change even though you could.

@Steve_A Yeah, ditch or rewrite the cliches. Instead of “Angels Cry”, you might think of a stronger/newer way to say it. “Heaven grieves”; “God’s hands are bound”..

Slap some chunky guitar and double bass drum on it and call it a day.

No low growling vocals though. Really sing it.

Its very deep in a deranged and troubled kind of way – I LOVE it lol

Well yes they are good lyrics, but to write about yourself…... but if u like doing that im not gonna disagree