What attributes do you think fathers naturally teach their sons?

The ones they are least aware of and don’t give a moment’s though to. Those are the ones that are picked up every day, “naturally”.

I think the main thing is respect for women. In my house the greatest sin was to talk back to my mother. It’s also good for a son to see his father doing at least some of the cooking and cleaning. Seeing how their dad treats their mom will affect how they treat the women in their life. Which is one reason that no one should stick with a jerk just so their son will have a father. That son will just end up more likely to be a jerk too.

Frankly, other than that I can’t think of anything that can’t be taught just as well by a single mom.

Putting all else aside (because I do think your child will be just as well off) I think they give them a glimpse of all that men, as a gender, (in that particular class) are supposed to concern themselves with – which particular gender norms matter to them as adults and how they think a ‘real man’ is to act. This varies from father to father depending on how much value they attach to certain character traits (which they deem to be necessary for men only) or how much they value their manhood over their personhood. A father (and I’m generalizing) in our society will not teach their sons anything other than what’s expected of men in our society and if you don’t have an issue with gender norms then you can always have your sons learn this ‘code’ by spending time with other male figures, like your friends, or their grandfather. In our family, the above is not considered, our children don’t learn anything from their father that they can’t learn from me because both of us, as parents, place more value on their traits as good humans, not good male/manly humans…obviously, other adults tell them gendered stuff all the time but thankfully they put more weight into the words of their parents…example: head of pre-school refuses to put my son’s long hair in ponytail pointing out to him (in her infinite ‘wisdom’) that ‘only girls get ponytails’...he comes home and the next time I put his hair in a ponytail (which I have done previously and he never had a problem), he says ‘Ms…....said so and so’...I say ‘nonsense, you have seen your father with a ponytail for years before he shaved his head and you have seen your mother with a ponytail…this is because, when necessary, long hair (on ALL people) can be put into a ponytail and the problem with Ms…...... is that she is simply unable to do a ponytail for you, because she doesn’t know how…but thankfully, Mommy does know how and will continue to do so.

Growing up I had little or no contact with my Dad. My parents divorced when I was 5 yrs old. My philosophy with my kids is to be the best Dad I can possibly be to them & to give them what I was deprived of, a loving attentitive father who’s there for them come what may. God I love my kids!

Man, I had to juggle that ball. I had to figure out how to balance the mother-instinct that wants to explain the child’s behavior and say, “Oh, this and this happened in school, so now he’s feeling sad and that’s why he’s acting up. He needs some understanding,” vs the father thing that says, “I don’t give a crap what happened in school, he’s not going to act like that!!!” Whap!!

My poor son had it especially bad, I had three kids, two girls and my son, and he was not only the only boy (with no male role models anywhere in sight…no family, nothing) but he was also the youngest!

My Dad taught me how to be responsible and resourceful. He taught me about money, and how to save/spend it. From him I learned how to be selfless, how to drive, respect for my family, respect for women, how to deal with a difficult situation, sports, and how to be hard-working.

First, teach your child to be a christian. take him to Sunday School and church. after this, everything else will naturally fall into place. the Lord will see to this.

I think fathers teach sons how to fix things. Men tend to be more mechanical, love to tinker with things.

I think that women seek emotional outlets in words while men express anger and other strong emotions through physical release. Thus, the benefits of “gun” play and aggressive wrestling. I think fathers roughhouse with their sons naturally.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Is that a true story? The head of your son’s pre-school actually told him that “only girls get ponytails”? Man, my kid would be out of that pre-school so fast…

This is a great question. I don’t think there is a standard set of lessons that sons learn from their fathers, but obviously fathers serve as a model, both good and bad, for how to be a man. From my husband, I think my sons learned a great sense of responsibility and self-discipline, self-criticism, and how to be there for your family in terms of problem solving and supporting them physically. From me, they learned more about expressing feelings and analyzing emotions. I think for both of my sons, there are many ways in which they would hope to emulate their father and ways in which they would want to – and do – differentiate themselves.

@CyanoticWasp sorry but…was that supposed to be helpful? because I’m not sure I understand entirely, could you elaborate please? :-)

@Snarp thank you xx

@john65pennington eeeek…thank you but I don’t think God discriminates in that way…but anyway xx

@Marina I think so too thank you xx I must do this more x

to laugh at thier own farts. was that t.m.i?

My dad loved sports, especially baseball, but he neglected to pass on either his appreciation or knowledge of it. Despite the fact I live in a big football town, I couldn’t care less about it. However, over the years of never knowing what the hell the Monday morning quarterbacks were talking about, I’ve learned how to respond when someone asks if I saw the game last night.
“You bet,” I say. “I wouldn’t miss a good basketball game for the world.” Still, I have to say, I wish my dad had better prepared me.

My dad taught me the fundementals, most of it was completely inadvertantly. Through watching him as I was growing up I learned the importance of hard work, respect for people, a sense of humour, not giving up too quickly on things, being honest and appreciation for what’s around me, who’s in my family, my life,etc. My dad had a child-like quality about things he loved to do and it was infectious. My parents divorced when I was young but I still saw my dad fairly often. He died in 1991, and I miss him like mad.
He once told me (after he’d had a few whiskeys) he wanted me to be twice the man he was. This floored me because then and now I think if I could be HALF the man he was I’ll be a great guy!

I personally believe that kids without fathers can grow to be every bit as level headed, respectful and happy as those with fathers, the mothers can take on both roles, or a different male-figure can be in thier life as balance.
Sounds to me like you are doing a heck of a job and asking this type of questions shows your level of future care and concern – I doth my cap to you. :0)

“what you think male parents bring to sons that females might not ‘naturally’ ”

The experience and commoncy of being a man.

@Snarp well of course it’s a true story – I explained to them to not gender my child as much as they do everyone else…I will not take him out of that pre-school because I love their Montessori philosophy-led education…he has gained tremendously from being in that pre-school (a school I have chosen out of dozens others) and I am looking at the bigger picture here…they’re just Russian and traditional there…I realize being in an American pre-school, well he’d probably hear less of that kind of stuff, but still he’d hear it…he’d hear it no matter where he’d be…

Some of the things I taught my boys I know their mom possibly would not have taught or exposed them to is how to have messy fun, the jump in mud puddles, rub paint all over your body and body paint the basement walls kind of messy.

How to whistle at girls.

Take things apart just to see how they actually work…do that with old toasters, vaccums, anything! Boys love that stuff. This is part of that learning to use tools and knives, etc. to build stuff or repair things.

Taking them to ballgames with just the guys.

Letting them operate power anything lawnmowers, forklifts, drills and saws and teaching them not to be afraid to do so.

Climbing ladders was good experience for them to get over fear of heights.

Most importantly to teach them what men see as special about the woman they love so some day they will best appreciate those qualities in the woman they meet and choose.

The things my father taught me:

Don’t lie
Don’t cheat
Don’t steal unless you can steal enough to support you for the rest of your life.

If a job is worth doing, do it as best as you can.

Keep your appointments

Dress appropriately.

The nuns are always right (I never could follow this one)

Read

Write letters, especially to the Editor.

Don’t be a follower, think for yourself.

Don’t ask anyone to do anything that you are not willing or able to do yourself.

Language censors turn off during accidents in the shop.

@ lynneblundell Wow…great question! My mom was a single parent and would very much like to answer this question, but running short on time and would like to give the question my full attention. Will get back with you on this one.

I think the only things that fathers naturally teach their sons are the kinds of things that anyone could teach them. What people here have said are things that have nothing to do with sex and everything to do with personality. Your son is going to turn out just fine. the best thing you can do for him is to not lament the fact that he has no father in his life. As a child of a single mother myself, I can tell you that my mother made sure that I would never feel the lack of a father because, in truth, I wasn’t lacking anything. Your son is not lacking a father, he simply has a different family circumstance than a good portion of the world. Everything people have listed here are things that you can teach him.

I’m surprised at the number of sexist answers here. There isn’t anything listed that a mother couldn’t teach any of her children, including daughters. Hell, I do most of the stuff people say that a father should teach a son and I’m a girl raised by a single mother!

@KatawaGrey well I don’t think they mean it to be sexist (I know I know, how can I, of all people, say that?)...they are just writing what their fathers have taught them without necessarily making the connection that these lessons (important ones) could have been taught by any gender…on the other hand, it is the experiences of many people that certain knowledge is possessed by the men in their family and certain knowledge is possessed by the women…these separations are reproduced generation by generation and are assumed to be normative…

It’s not what you teach that’s different. It’s how to be.

Fathers have all kinds of different abilities. You can only pass on what you know. We don’t know everything. So I don’t think it makes a difference what you teach. What you teach could be taught by a man or a woman.

Where men and women do differ, I think, is with respect to their reactions to situations. So, for example, you want to teach your son not to be aggressive. A man might teach the opposite. A man might teach respect and strength instead. A man might teach the son not to be afraid to take on a challenge.

Part of this is that you can’t teach what you don’t know. Part of this is built into us genetically. Women, on average, are more risk averse. Men survive to pass on their genes by taking risks. My wife, on seeing my son climb the tree outside our house tells him not to climb “too high.” Meaning, in her book, above the first floor.

I have absolute faith that he will have no problem climbing as far as he feels safe. I have noticed how careful he is physically, even though he is very active. He is not stupid active. I have noticed how he keeps himself safe. Perhaps most important, I know that when I was his age, I was climbing up to the top of trees just like that. My wife has no such experience. She only has fear for him.

Yesterday, my son was playing tag, and he ran head first into a light pole. He was about to continue playing when someone pointed out that he was bleeding. Kind of gushing. So my wife had to take him to the ER where he got two staples in his head (like Frankenstein).

Today, driving in, I let him climb over the back of the third row to get in. Then, as we drive, my wife is telling him to walk, not run, and to be careful, blah, blah, blah. I’m getting seriously annoyed. Enough already. Then we get to school; he goes to climb out, and my wife tells him not to do that, but to get out through the door. He might hit is head if he climbs out the back.

I couldn’t take it any more, and burst out with “Oh, come on!” This lead to a spat about my “angry” outburst (which to me didn’t seem angry at all, just frustrated—another example of how men and women often handle things differently).

Well, you can’t do this. You can’t have a male attitude at this point in your life. You were born female and grew up female and it’s too late to change.

The only thing you can do, I think, is to become aware of these differences, and to try not to molly coddle him too much. Let him fight with the other boys. It’s not a big deal. It’s how we release our energy. Let him run and explore and be interested in things that scare you. Let him climb the God damn tree, already! Let him ride his bike up the curb. Let him out of your sight.

It’s not going to kill him. Or, the chances of him being killed doing it are about the same as the chances of winning the lottery.

But anyway, I don’t think there’s much you can do about it. You will be the best parent you know how to be. You will worry if you are doing it right. You will worry if he needs the vaunted “male” influence. There’s not much you can do about it. Life will take its course and he will grow up and become who he becomes. Part of that is due to how you raise him, but a lot is due to his genes and other things that are simply out of your control. Do you see any of his father in him yet? You will, and that may annoy the heck out of you.

My dad taught me all of the worst things I ever learnt about the nature of humanity. Now I only consider him a cautionary tale. Keep what your doing I’m sure your son will be fine.

As I said in my post, I don’t think there is one standard set of lessons that one learns from either gender, and of course, you can grow and learn just fine from a single parent. But there can be a benefit to having an array of abilities from two different parents to be exposed to and I think there still some gender identification with the parent of the same sex. I don’t think it is sexist to say that much.

“I’m surprised at the number of sexist answers here. There isn’t anything listed that a mother couldn’t teach any of her children,”

Love and caring for your child is about loving and caring for your child. It works no matter what sexual orientation you have.
As long as you love and care for your child everything will be good.

Everything else is extra and extra is helpful.
It is not too hard of a stretch to understand that a boy will/can relate to a man and a girl will/can relate to a woman.
Just on the grounds of common physical characteristics.

How to be angry.

@ChazMaz what does sexuality have to do with anything?

“It is not too hard of a stretch to understand that a boy will/can relate to a man and a girl will/can relate to a woman. Just on the grounds of common physical characteristics.”

And, a great deal of us do not and are not wired with a pansexual approach to life.
Not that there is anything wrong with that.

I think the most important thing a father can teach his children is how to love and respect their mother (obviously the father is not the only person to teach this, but the one with the most influence, if present). That and peeing standing up.

My father didn’t teach me how to be respectful and loving towards my mother, but my step-father did.

You’re doing great @lynneblundell. Really, really great.

I was answering the question that you posed in the subject line, without, I suppose, answering what you really wanted to know, “What should I teach my son since his father will be absent?”

I learned a great deal of “stuff” from my dad that he taught me because he thought I ought to know, and I taught my own kids (one son, one daughter) the same types of “stuff”, but not necessarily “the same stuff”. My talents and my dad’s are different. That “stuff” is not so important, really. You can pick up that “stuff” anywhere, and usually better, from people who have more skill, talent, training and education in various “things”.

But what I mainly picked up from my dad—the important things that no one else could have ever conveyed to me the way he did—were the things he never once even thought to verbalize—didn’t have to: integrity, honesty, courage (has nothing to do with aggressiveness and combativeness, although those are sometimes tactical elements, I suppose), forthrightness, keeping promises, following through, patience, attention to detail, working steadily and carefully until the job is done—the things I picked up just because he was who he was—and I adored him. Some of the same things that I hope to hell my kids have picked up from me. (I’m always tremendously proud when I notice some of my best qualities in them—as if I can claim any responsibility or credit for that.)

So, for example, my dad never knew or cared to know a damn thing about computers. He had nothing to teach me there. But he taught me about machines—and most of that, unfortunately, went in one ear and out the other. But I saw how he talked to other people; I saw how other people related to him and respected him, and he’d return that. I saw how he loved my mom. No one could “teach” me that kind of thing. And the things I taught my kids about computers? It’s all outdated now, and anyone who really knows computers can teach them much better anyhow. I know that they were paying attention when I just naturally worked, played with and occasionally disciplined them, though. I know that they’ve seen how I treated their mom.

I did try to be helpful; Dad taught me that. He’d change your flat tire to be helpful; I mainly just write. But he taught me to change a tire, too, come to think of it. Now I just call AAA. So you tell me, which is the more important lesson? Is my original answer more helpful now, given this context?

And to answer my rephrasing of your question that I posed at the top of this essay: What you try to teach him will hardly matter—and will be done by hundreds of others, anyway. He’ll pick up what he needs to when you’re quiet, when you don’t say a word to him, when you don’t even know he’s around. Be the kind of person you want your son to be, in other words. I can’t be plainer.

@CyanoticWasp Made sense to me and even more touching in expanded form.

@janbb, thanks. I’ve been missing that old dude for over six years now. He wasn’t done with that particular job, but he never could be.

Good question, loving answers, even from people who can only say their fathers weren’t so great.
I think that if a kid grows up with a man who loves him (or her) then it’s easier to feel
easy and appreciated with men for the rest of his (or her) life. My adopted son & my stepsons needed to live in a house with a woman who loved them dearly and didn’t get weird on them as they became sexually viable. Without a reliable “mother” (me) they wouldn’t have had a very strong opportunity to have their increasing gorgeousness appreciated & acknowledged, in utter safety. I thank my father for having given me the equivalent of that. I think that kids do best with deep support from both genders of significant older persons. Grandparents can do this for them. Uncles, aunts, step-parents. Takes a village, etc.

How to pee standing up.

thank you all, please do keep contributing

@lynneblundell My quip above is partly serious. My ex and I split up as my son was being potty trained. One day, when he was three, he came home from visiting his Dad and he was soooooo excited because he could pee standing up and just boys can do that! He never got over it, and he’s 22 now. :)

I think Fathers teach their sons how to treat women, and work ethic.
I got very lucky with my dad.

@Val123, what an adorable answer! You reminded me of when my son was about four years old and about to enter kindergarten (and this is one of the reasons I remain more or less anonymous here; I hope he never finds this—or if he does I hope he realizes that his anonymity is preserved, too). He used to pee by standing up—of course—but he would take his pants down to his ankles beforehand. I used to try to tell him, “You don’t need that much ‘freedom’, Little Guy!” I was so afraid that he’d do that in kindergarten and never live it down.

I guess he didn’t, because he’s going to be 26 in a couple of weeks, and the topic hasn’t come up again. I should have been a much better teacher.

From my experience, with my three grandsons, as long as there are plenty of men in their extended family, it probably doesn’t matter. Their father left them when the oldest was only four. Tthey spent every summer and spring break with us, plus their first few years living with their Maternal Grandfather. There were enough men around that they all appear to be well adjusted adults.

I wonder about this question often myself. My family is two mommies, two children (one boy and one girl), and one dog. I’m the mom who lets them play rough and be messy while the other mom looks at me and says “you are the one who is going to bandage and clean-up.” We realize that there is intrinsically much more to our kids becoming thriving human beings than what any one individual or even couple can fully represent. This means we hold an awareness that there are lots of things we ourselves don’t naturally think about or seek to develop in them. Part of this may be attributable to gender (we debate constantly just how much!), part to varying cultures, interests, etc. Knowing this, we work hard to surround them with a diverse community that can offer the different perspectives that we can’t or won’t between just the two of us. We have allowed certain men and women to be closely knit to their lives because we value and admire in them things we hope for our children to possess. In particular, these relationships offer our children a measuring stick for evaluating the other people they will meet in their lives. For example, they hang out with our friend John who thinks deeply and with complexity. He works hard to not view the world through stereotypes. He responds to others with compassion, respect, and joy. I like that, as my children encounter other men in their lives, they have John as a point of reference (okay, I also hope they use him for evaluating the women too). I also like that as my children encounter other women in their lives that they have our friend Cindy as a measuring rod. She rough houses like no one’s business and they are certain she knows how to make the best fart sounds in the world (and surprise~, surprise~, I hope they evaluate a man or two compared to her).

Yes, men and women have differences from one another. But as I’ve heard more than one sociologist say they are way more similar than different. I just mean to suggest that fears about the “male-vacuum” are often overstated. At the end of the day, we want our son to be a loving, fulfilled and well-rounded man. We have to trust that putting loving, fulfilled, well-rounded adults into his life regardless of gender will call him into a manhood others will, in turn, use as a measuring rod.

At the end of writing all this out I realize that this might not be what you were really looking for and I am probably just preaching to the choir. Yet, I spent so much time on it I want to post it anyway :)

@liminal our kids should hang together

In my case it was my grandfather who was the primary male role model in my life. My father was either at sea or on overseas postings for most of my formative years.

Grandfather was an “old school” Army officer (West Point 1912). He taught me the value of honor, duty and gentlemanly behavior. That a gentlemans word is the equivalent of a binding contract. He taught me great respect for ladies. The value of patriotism. Marksmanship with rifle and pistol, land navigation, military history. Principles of leadership, even though they didn’t come naturally to me. Formal manners, especially towards ladies. It was his mentoring that made me an adequate Army officer later in life. It tended to make me very reticent in my behavior towards women, as I would never make a “first move”.
It sounds like you are doing an excellent job raising your boy, Lynne. He might need a responsible male role model later in life to teach him how a gentleman should act. I admire you for your efforts in what is a most difficult time for you. You are an inspiration to me in my depressed state.

@CyanoticWasp Oh, that is so sweet and funny!

When my son learned to pee standing up, he wanted to pee everywhere! When we would be outside, at our house, “Mommy, can I pee over there behind that tree?”
“I don’t care!”
One time I was putting now new linoleum in the bathroom. I’d pulled the toilet. My son came in, saw the hole in the floor and got all excited! If he didn’t have to pee when he came in, he sure did when he saw that hold in the floor! (Thank goodness he always asked permission first!)

@val123 My son went through a floor drain obsession! He found being able to point and shoot so powerful! My toilet bowl misses those days of such determined accuracy.

I do love how conversations within the collective sort of gravitate to a lowest common denominator.

That’s not a knock, a rant or a whine. I do enjoy it. To the topic at hand (so to speak): I was just on a two-hour phone conversation earlier this evening, spending a lot of time pacing in the kitchen while on the cordless—and wondering if I would have to avail myself of the sink.

(Those who are wondering may rest assured: I did not succumb to that urge. I did have to find a way to end that phone call, though. Who knows how long it might have lasted, but I wouldn’t have. Teach your sons to end the phone call before going to the bathroom; there’s a lesson for the ages.)

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I agree

To amend my earlier remarks: I realize now that the customs and mannerisms I learned from my grandfather (father was at sea most of my early childhood) were that of a 19th century gentleman. He was born in 1888. Combined with my natural social reticence, this tended to make me the perpetual square peg in a world of round holes. I never realized that until recently. It was not his fault, he taught me in the ways that he had been taught (his father was born in 1859).

I can only assume that eveyone else has covered all the bases for a father-son, mother-son talk. so, i will only address one area and that deals only with retirement and money.

Back when my son was a student at Vanderbilt University, we had a long sitdown talk. our conversation was not about the birds and the bees, it was about his retirement. i highly suggested that he graduate college and use his degrees to his advantage for his future. this he is doing.

To date, he already has two pensions waiting for him, when he retires. one from The Federal Government and one from the state in which he lives. he is now working on a third pension from his local government, in which he is employed.

The key are the numbers…...1, 2, 3. my son is 44 years old and heading for not one, but three pensions, when he retires. my point to him was to plan everything, in his future, early in his life. to be prepared for his retirement and not depend on the government for a handout.

Whether you are a single mom or dad, i feel that teaching your child to be prepared, not only applies to pensions, but also the emergencies of everyday life. hope this helps. john

@john65pennington thank you xx