General Question

sunshinedust's avatar

Where should I live?

Asked by sunshinedust (157points) January 23rd, 2010

Here are the options: Go back to Spokane Washington to be with my alcoholic boyfriend that hit me at my parents house on Christmas. Should I keep following him? He has seen me at my worst and always stuck by my side. He is like my family and my special someone. I can’t picture myself growing old with anyone else. I feel like either we grow old together or maybe I don’t grow old at all. Bryan is life. Substances are death.

Go back to Spokane in March when Dave gets out of prison and do crystal meth again.

Or stay here in Chicago and get a job and make a new life for myself.

Or I can go to California to live with my girl that is friend girl Amanda. Go to Cali and start over there?

Or go volunteer abroad and leave for 6 or 9 months to build schools in some jungle land.

What should I do?

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42 Answers

bigboss's avatar

brian is life with missing teeth. yey sounds like paradise.

Response moderated
The_Clouded_Mind's avatar

Don’t go back to any abusive relationships it will only end bad.
Doing drugs again isn’t the best option either.
I would start over go to California go build schools somewhere or stay I’m Chicago.

jeffgoldblumsprivatefacilities's avatar

Skip the crystal meth and living with a person who beats you. Go to Chicago or Cali.

dpworkin's avatar

Alcoholic boyfriends who hit don’t ever stop. I would stay right where you are and figure out what makes battering substance abusers appealing to you, and then make a decision.

Cruiser's avatar

What ever you are on seems like it is pretty good $hit…quit Bogarting the stuff and share like a good little Fluther should!

janbb's avatar

Well, it sure sounds like Spokane is not the place for you to go as I’m sure you know. It is not easy to get out of abusive relationships, but you clearly must avoid options one and two.

Getting as far away from either of those men seems like the highest priority. If you’re serious about volunteering in another country, that would probably be a great turn-around for you. Otherwise, girlfriend in Cali or new job in Chicago if you can get one, sound better than Spokane 1 or 2.

bigboss's avatar

wait…you guys are actually taking this question seriously? the hell? are you all on drugs? hehe

john65pennington's avatar

To date, you have had a very interesting life. actually, you have made a mess of your life. like the saying goes, “you are who you run with”. its time for a new chapter in your book of life. forget everyone and everything in your past(except your real family) and move to an entirely new state. let no one know where you are moving to and start over. destiny has not been good to you, but its not too late to make a 180 degree turnaround. i cannot do this for you. you have to do this yourself and stick with it.

life_after_2012's avatar

umm???? thats a very radical life you have there, if your going to allow someone to beat on you at your parents house, then your just going to get your self killed or you’ll just self distruct. im from New Orleans and im used to seeing human beings at thier worst, but you have the free will to change your life, if you choose not to, then i don’t feel sorry for you, life is not a game, its a blessing. my advise to you is say no to drugs ( i know that sounds corny ) but something is very wrong and it doesnt seem like its a big enough deal for you yet, but good luck and i hope you choose your friends wisley from now on

Trillian's avatar

Well, who is Bryan and who is Dave? I mean, whatever. I just got out of a relationship with a drug user so I’m maybe not the best person to advise you. Also, it sounds like you want to be with this hitting person. Is the hitting person Bryan? If the hitter is different than the crystal meth person, where did he come from?
Why does it have to be all this drama? “Grow old with him or maybe don’t grow old at all”? What? If you keep telling yourself that it seems like justifying something that you want to do but know that you shouldn’t. In which case, advice is futile. You know what you want to do and it differs from what you know you should do.
Do crystal meth again? What? Why bother waiting for Dave? Dave’s not here man. ;-)
If you break it all the way down, you’re asking “Should I do this and life a miserable existence outside the fringes of society? or should I start to live a life where I can respect and feel good about myself and become a contributing, useful citizen?”
I don’t know honey. What do you want to do? I’ll tell you what I told my ex; This is your life. Right here and now. Decide and live with the results. I can’t do it for you and I’m done fixing the mistakes you make.

dpworkin's avatar

@bigboss Why so cynical?

bigboss's avatar

@pdworkin becuase it just doesnt “feel” like a genuine question. it all sounds angry and hurt but the vibe im getting is its not a serious question..sounds like a joke.

bigboss's avatar

like hi everyone should i stay with a man that hits me or go do drugs in another city and die…..

dpworkin's avatar

Have you looked at her profile? I think this is what people call a “cry for help.”

HasntBeen's avatar

@pdworkin : That’s not helpful. She’s new, she is asking for community help—you’re offering ridicule.

bigboss's avatar

@pdworkin no i have not, just doesnt seem serious to me, we all have our opinions right? i may be wrong..either way my comment wont affect her health. “she’ll be iiigh”

janbb's avatar

@HasntBeen I don’t believe that’s what @pdworkin was doing. He was supporting her against the cyncism of @bigboss. .

bigboss's avatar

i have to say thanks you guys, before today i didnt know what cyncism meant. and yes @pdworkin was actually doing the opposite of what you said @HasntBeen im the one ridiculing here.

daemonelson's avatar

Sounds like a bundle of laughs. I highly recommend never contacting those people ever again. A fresh start should go down well.

dpworkin's avatar

@HasntBeen Quite the contrary, I take this very seriously, and was trying to explain why to @bigboss .

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

@sunshinedust You know what things are healthiest for you, physically and emotionally. The abuse relationships, either drugs or violence are not good for you. Get away from them. Sometimes helping people who are in worse straits than you are can bring you a new prespective and help your self-esteem. That’s how I met my lady, volunteering at a shelter for battered women.. Choose life and health rather than a downward spiral of drugs or violent abuse.

Scooby's avatar

Go to California & start over with your “GIRL” friend, forget about the druggie jail bird, he’ll just bring you down, stop doing drugs all together, it really is for the best!!! Get a life!! :-/

Response moderated
bigboss's avatar

YES!!! finally somebody agrees with me @johnpowell

Anon_Jihad's avatar

California is a great place for a fresh start and I got a Greydhound bus from to Riverside, California from Rhode Island when I was seventeen in desperate need of a fresh start, and California did wonders for me, if not saved me from myself.

I suggest you go there, find your friend and use the crutch you got there. With so many disadvantages you have, see as how you’ve lived before and the choices you’ve mad, you should take advantage of the opportunity you do have.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

I’m more with @bigboss on this Q. It just doesn’t seem real. For someone who can write in complete sentences, as the poster obviously can, to ask as if it’s a real Q “should I go back to the guy I can’t seem to live without, who punched me at my parents’ house. Or should I go there and take up a deadly drug habit (again)—with an ex-con?” Oh, sure.

This doesn’t seem like a cry for help to me. It seems like a mockery of that.

My advice to anyone asking these questions “for real”, as if they’re true options and being seriously considered, is: If you’re going to commit suicide, which I do not advocate, at least do it in a cleaner, quicker and less painful (for everyone) manner.

But I think this is more bullshit.

bigboss's avatar

yup yup oh and @pdworkin i did go on her profile and it says “SUCCESS MOTIVATES ME” and “i have knowledge of many things” if thats true then she would know that drugs and man beaters are a no go. plus where the hell is she? she hasnt commented, ..unless she’s currently duking it out with her “man” or boiling up sum meth in her kitchen.

dpworkin's avatar

I think the musings are genuine. The voice seems genuine. She already knows what not to do, but she is revealing how difficult it is to do the healthy thing. If you interpret her literally, she seems like an ass or a troll, but she is not being literal, she is just using her musings as an explanatory device. Something tells me she is a person in pain. Just a hunch, of course, you guys could certainly be right.

DrMC's avatar

Comrades, you are not being kind. Remember it is not each-other we are fighting, it is the demon of capitalism across the sea.

Response moderated
DrMC's avatar

addiction does things like this to young people from dysfunctional families.

love addiction, and drug addiction.

Has no one ever not gone back to a bad girlfriend or boyfriend before? It’s identical to meth.

Same dilema’s. Good question whether or not sincere, which is also not uncommon in the addicted.

It takes a great struggle.

In china we had to fight the Opium wars over this. Since then we have called the westerners white devils.

bigboss's avatar

thats my cue

CyanoticWasp's avatar

Okay. Having now read the OP’s first Q on Fluther, I take back my first reaction, and I apologize for that. Yeah, this is a real Q, even if oddly put.

I think (man, I sure hope) that the OP is intelligent enough to realize that the first two options she mentioned were slow, painful and deliberate forms of suicide. She can’t do those.

The guy who dumps you after your engagement, and then punches you when you travel to see him, well, he’s just wrong on too many levels. When you have worked through the pain of being dumped, the pain of being humiliated, and the pain of being betrayed and abused so flagrantly… someday (hopefully sooner, rather than later) you’ll realize what a good thing this has been for your life.

I know it doesn’t seem like that now, but believe me. I’ve been to that place. She married me, then one day she told me that she wanted to go to Cape Cod for the weekend. “But we don’t have the money for that!” I protested. “Oh, not us,” she said, “I got an invitation… to go with Bob.” That’ll take the wind out of your sails, kiddo. It did mine. To add further insult to that injury, while we were separated (from that weekend on until after our divorce) she moved in one floor beneath me in a two-family house… with Bob… because the muddle-headed landlord “felt sorry for her”. Let me tell you, she was a queen in my eyes until that point. I would have eaten ground glass for her. (I pretty much did that, after the separation.) And that was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. But it did take a long time, and a real marriage, to realize that.

So stay in Chicago, go to California, live in the jungle and build schoolhouses, or do anything else that suits you. But stay away from those guys; don’t visit your parents for more than a day or two. Live your life.

Tell us in thirty or forty years (those of us who are left) how it went. Give other kids hope and advice. There’s a life out there waiting for you, but it’s not in Spokane. Okay?

HungryGuy's avatar

Well, if you’re limiting yourself to America, then California is the obvious choice. It’ll be good to have a girl friend there to live with for a while. In time, you’ll find another guy…don’t force it.

Ugh, stay away from 3rd world jungles unless that’s your calling. Disease and poverty and all that. Noble of you if that’s your thing, but it’s against my religion to be more than 20 meters away from an air conditioner in the summer…

Response moderated
CyanoticWasp's avatar

@bigboss, well… I’m in some pain this week, too, and not talking about what’s really on my mind. I don’t blame her for trying to get her mind off the current huge pain in her life. I just hope she soon realizes that it’s more of a “post-op” type of thing, and all she needs to do now is recover and get healthy again. It’s still painful, though.

HasntBeen's avatar

apologies to @pdworkin: clearly the subtle undercurrents in this conversation are below my detection threshold

dpworkin's avatar

What, exactly, is subtle about the words, “cry for help”, and how could they be interpreted as ridicule?

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

I do not think place is the real issue.
You need to take charge of your own life and find a reason to make your life meamingful and valuable to you and those around you.
Look inward to your own values and choose a course of action that will truly transform your life by doing something you personally value and keep self-destructive people like drug abusers from clinging to you like barnacles. When you start valuing yourself and what you do, people of quality and integrity will be drawn to you.

You can do this anywhere, so long as you avoid the parasites who will drag you down so they can use or abuse you.

Go for it!

sunshinedust's avatar

Well I haven’t been following all your response due to the fact I got a DUI myself and was in jail for a month. Thanks for all the responses. I think the arrest and trip to County was the slap in the face I needed that I need to get my own shit together. I’m staying put here in Chicago, got court cases coming up and have decided maybe clean and sober all together is the right choice for now. And NO relationships, I for sure have enough on my plate all on my own. Thanks again for all the responses!

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